Addressing envelopes...save the dates

kahluakoala

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Thank you etiquette experts!

Jen4948

kahluakoala said:

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

Actually, save-the-dates can be addressed informally. Titles can be omitted and initials and nicknames can be used. But I answered your questions below for addressing invitations.

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

The best way is to follow the couple's own preferences. If they prefer Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, then that's how they should be addressed. I agree with you that this form of address is annoying because it's sexist, but I would default to it if you don't know anyone's preference and can't find it out before sending out your invitations.

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

No. In this instance, use "Dr. Her First HerLast and Mr. His First His Last." 

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Correct etiquette for a widow is to continue to call her whatever she went by when her husband was alive. If she was Mrs. HerFirst HerLast, she still is.

But if she went by Ms. HerFirst HerLast then or has since switched to that form, then address her and her SO the way you have listed them here, on separate lines with no "and."

Thank you etiquette experts!

STARMOON44

Jen4948 said:

show previous quotes

kahluakoala said:

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

Actually, save-the-dates can be addressed informally. Titles can be omitted and initials and nicknames can be used. But I answered your questions below for addressing invitations.

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

The best way is to follow the couple's own preferences. If they prefer Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, then that's how they should be addressed. I agree with you that this form of address is annoying because it's sexist, but I would default to it if you don't know anyone's preference and can't find it out before sending out your invitations.

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

No. In this instance, use "Dr. Her First HerLast and Mr. His First His Last." 

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Correct etiquette for a widow is to continue to call her whatever she went by when her husband was alive. If she was Mrs. HerFirst HerLast, she still is.

But if she went by Ms. HerFirst HerLast then or has since switched to that form, then address her and her SO the way you have listed them here, on separate lines with no "and."

Thank you etiquette experts!

On number one I always do the opposite.  If I know or can reasonably find out, I do. If not, I make the default giving both people a first name. 

kahluakoala

STARMOON44 said:

show previous quotes

Jen4948 said:

kahluakoala said:

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

Actually, save-the-dates can be addressed informally. Titles can be omitted and initials and nicknames can be used. But I answered your questions below for addressing invitations.

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

The best way is to follow the couple's own preferences. If they prefer Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, then that's how they should be addressed. I agree with you that this form of address is annoying because it's sexist, but I would default to it if you don't know anyone's preference and can't find it out before sending out your invitations.

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

No. In this instance, use "Dr. Her First HerLast and Mr. His First His Last." 

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Correct etiquette for a widow is to continue to call her whatever she went by when her husband was alive. If she was Mrs. HerFirst HerLast, she still is.

But if she went by Ms. HerFirst HerLast then or has since switched to that form, then address her and her SO the way you have listed them here, on separate lines with no "and."

Thank you etiquette experts!

On number one I always do the opposite.  If I know or can reasonably find out, I do. If not, I make the default giving both people a first name. 

Same here - I don’t really want to argue about it but I’m just simply not going to default to erasing a woman’s name. But since this is “improper” it’s not immediately obvious what the cleanest way to do this is. 

I have over 200 guests, and getting everyone’s mailing address, SOs name, etc is enough work without asking every single person their title

ernursej

kahluakoala said:

show previous quotes

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

kahluakoala said:

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

Actually, save-the-dates can be addressed informally. Titles can be omitted and initials and nicknames can be used. But I answered your questions below for addressing invitations.

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

The best way is to follow the couple's own preferences. If they prefer Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, then that's how they should be addressed. I agree with you that this form of address is annoying because it's sexist, but I would default to it if you don't know anyone's preference and can't find it out before sending out your invitations.

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

No. In this instance, use "Dr. Her First HerLast and Mr. His First His Last." 

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Correct etiquette for a widow is to continue to call her whatever she went by when her husband was alive. If she was Mrs. HerFirst HerLast, she still is.

But if she went by Ms. HerFirst HerLast then or has since switched to that form, then address her and her SO the way you have listed them here, on separate lines with no "and."

Thank you etiquette experts!

On number one I always do the opposite.  If I know or can reasonably find out, I do. If not, I make the default giving both people a first name. 

Same here - I don’t really want to argue about it but I’m just simply not going to default to erasing a woman’s name. But since this is “improper” it’s not immediately obvious what the cleanest way to do this is. 

I have over 200 guests, and getting everyone’s mailing address, SOs name, etc is enough work without asking every single person their title

One could argue that it is important to take the time to find out everyone’s preference. It really doesn’t take any more time when asking for an address to ask how they would prefer to be addressed. 

Im one of the people in the camp that hates Mrs. Hisfirst HisLast. I find it sexist and old fashioned. 

ahoywedding

ernursej said:

show previous quotes

kahluakoala said:

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

kahluakoala said:

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

Actually, save-the-dates can be addressed informally. Titles can be omitted and initials and nicknames can be used. But I answered your questions below for addressing invitations.

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

The best way is to follow the couple's own preferences. If they prefer Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, then that's how they should be addressed. I agree with you that this form of address is annoying because it's sexist, but I would default to it if you don't know anyone's preference and can't find it out before sending out your invitations.

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

No. In this instance, use "Dr. Her First HerLast and Mr. His First His Last." 

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Correct etiquette for a widow is to continue to call her whatever she went by when her husband was alive. If she was Mrs. HerFirst HerLast, she still is.

But if she went by Ms. HerFirst HerLast then or has since switched to that form, then address her and her SO the way you have listed them here, on separate lines with no "and."

Thank you etiquette experts!

On number one I always do the opposite.  If I know or can reasonably find out, I do. If not, I make the default giving both people a first name. 

Same here - I don’t really want to argue about it but I’m just simply not going to default to erasing a woman’s name. But since this is “improper” it’s not immediately obvious what the cleanest way to do this is. 

I have over 200 guests, and getting everyone’s mailing address, SOs name, etc is enough work without asking every single person their title

One could argue that it is important to take the time to find out everyone’s preference. It really doesn’t take any more time when asking for an address to ask how they would prefer to be addressed. 

Im one of the people in the camp that hates Mrs. Hisfirst HisLast. I find it sexist and old fashioned. 

I think we've had this conversation here before and the general feeling was that if the default option is more inclusive, it's okay unless there is someone you know prefers to be addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. My personal feeling is that defaulting to addressing everyone with their own name is more inclusive, and more people are likely to get upset over being addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast than the reverse. 

For our wedding, I checked with my mom & MIL about relatives and what their preferences may be, and used everyone's own first and last names for our friends. I do agree if you're sending an email or calling to gather addresses it doesn't take much longer to ask how that person prefers to be addressed. I did it with a few cousins when I wasn't sure if they changed their last names after getting married. We did get an invite for my cousin's wedding that was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisName and I was pretty chapped about it. 

kahluakoala

I mean, I’m not reaching out to over 200 people individually - groups of folks are helping me collect addresses. My FMIL collected and sent me all the addresses from FIs side, my cousin who just got married shared her list of addresses and then I filled in by asking a few people to help - like my great aunt sent me all the addresses from all her kids and adult grandkids (my second cousins), etc. so, I’m not going back like “hey, do these women have first names or not?”. I am assuming, unless told otherwise, that everyone has a name they prefer to use, and they can correct me if they wish. 

ahoywedding

kahluakoala said:

I mean, I’m not reaching out to over 200 people individually - groups of folks are helping me collect addresses. My FMIL collected and sent me all the addresses from FIs side, my cousin who just got married shared her list of addresses and then I filled in by asking a few people to help - like my great aunt sent me all the addresses from all her kids and adult grandkids (my second cousins), etc. so, I’m not going back like “hey, do these women have first names or not?”. I am assuming, unless told otherwise, that everyone has a name they prefer to use, and they can correct me if they wish. 

That's why I asked my mom and MIL. My family keeps a google doc with everyone's addresses, and MIL had all of the addresses for H's side of the family. The only people I really had to ask individually were some friends who I don't often mail things to or cousins who had recently moved. I checked on preferred name for people when I wasn't sure what last name they used, because that's a big thing to not get right. 

charlotte989875

ahoywedding said:

show previous quotes

ernursej said:

kahluakoala said:

STARMOON44 said:

Jen4948 said:

kahluakoala said:

i am addressing my save the dates and want to check on a few titles / addressing and ask a few questions. 

Actually, save-the-dates can be addressed informally. Titles can be omitted and initials and nicknames can be used. But I answered your questions below for addressing invitations.

1. I want to address my married guests with the same last name using both first names (I HATE Mr. and Mrs. HisName - makes my skin crawl). Is the best way to do this “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast” or is there a better way?

The best way is to follow the couple's own preferences. If they prefer Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst HisLast, then that's how they should be addressed. I agree with you that this form of address is annoying because it's sexist, but I would default to it if you don't know anyone's preference and can't find it out before sending out your invitations.

2. For a married couple when the woman is a doctor and the man is not and they have the same last name...thinking “Mr. and Dr. HisFirst and HerFirst TheirLast”. Is this correct?

No. In this instance, use "Dr. Her First HerLast and Mr. His First His Last." 

3. A widow who is bringing her SO (unmarried, and she still uses the last name of her late husband) I was thinking:
Mrs. HerFirst HerLast
Mr. HisFirst HisLast

is this correct or should I use Ms.?

Correct etiquette for a widow is to continue to call her whatever she went by when her husband was alive. If she was Mrs. HerFirst HerLast, she still is.

But if she went by Ms. HerFirst HerLast then or has since switched to that form, then address her and her SO the way you have listed them here, on separate lines with no "and."

Thank you etiquette experts!

On number one I always do the opposite.  If I know or can reasonably find out, I do. If not, I make the default giving both people a first name. 

Same here - I don’t really want to argue about it but I’m just simply not going to default to erasing a woman’s name. But since this is “improper” it’s not immediately obvious what the cleanest way to do this is. 

I have over 200 guests, and getting everyone’s mailing address, SOs name, etc is enough work without asking every single person their title

One could argue that it is important to take the time to find out everyone’s preference. It really doesn’t take any more time when asking for an address to ask how they would prefer to be addressed. 

Im one of the people in the camp that hates Mrs. Hisfirst HisLast. I find it sexist and old fashioned. 

I think we've had this conversation here before and the general feeling was that if the default option is more inclusive, it's okay unless there is someone you know prefers to be addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. My personal feeling is that defaulting to addressing everyone with their own name is more inclusive, and more people are likely to get upset over being addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast than the reverse. 

For our wedding, I checked with my mom & MIL about relatives and what their preferences may be, and used everyone's own first and last names for our friends. I do agree if you're sending an email or calling to gather addresses it doesn't take much longer to ask how that person prefers to be addressed. I did it with a few cousins when I wasn't sure if they changed their last names after getting married. We did get an invite for my cousin's wedding that was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. HisName and I was pretty chapped about it. 

H's cousin just texted me this. I appreciated she reached out to check. I don't know that she did it with every guest (possible, since it's a DW), but we're fairly close so I thought it was nice of her. 

Casadena

Since save the dates are informal anyway, I would probably just use HisFirst & HerFirst Lastname and skip titles for everyone. 

MairePoppy

Being addressed as Mrs. James Poppy really grates on my nerves. I will stop short of saying that it's rude to use the traditional default, unless the person has received correspondence from me. I prefer no titles for us, Maire and James Poppy or vice versa. I did take my husband's last name, but I still have a first name, please use it. 

Now, what to do about the 200 person guest list that was partially assembled by your FMIL? It's fine to proceed with the addresses, as your FMIL presented them. When you receive cards, gifts, rsvps, kindly update the titles and addresses accordingly. 

There's also the option of addressing those invitations to married couples as: Mr. and Mrs. Lastname on the outer envelopes. Write their first names on the inner envelopes.