Wedding Woes

Groomsmen is rude and disrespectful - What should I do?

Help!  I'm having a dilemma.  I'm getting married in September of 2019.  I have 6 bridesmaids.  FH has 5 groomsmen. One of the groomsmen is SOOO mean, rude, nasty, and straight up disrespectful - he seems to treat the women in his life like garbage. 

There is much more to the story though.  We used to be best of friends in college and a few years after - so for 5 years or so.  Like he has called my mom "Mom" in the past, that's how often I would see him.  Then one thing led to another and he moved to where my at the time bf, now fiance lives to take a new job.  At the time FH and I were long distance.  During that time, FH and my friend ended up becoming best friends, at which point, this friend decided to pick one of us to be best friends with and from then on treated me like GARBAGE. 

I moved up to be with my FH where I was happy that I already had at least one friend, but it was a very rude awakening when I realized that things had really changed.  My transition to moving to the middle of nowhere was really difficult.  I had started to have extremely severe health problems which made socializing really difficult.  It was a time when I needed a friend the most and instead he talked insane amounts of crap about me to the group of friends up here who, for a full year and half pretended I didn't exist because they thought I was worthless due to everything this friend was saying (it has gotten much better with them but that is a story for another day).

At one point we had a complete falling out where, even though the whole group was hanging out, we refused to make eye contact or speak to each other because he refused to apologize for being a complete a******.  FH was on a work trip and I went out with the group and I was having a separate conversation with someone - I wasn't loud or ridiculous, and I didn't even speak much during the night, but he goes, mid-sentence "can we put a muzzle on this girl" - at which point the entire table went silent for probably 60 seconds.  He did not apologize for about 10 months (yes, we did the whole pretending the other didn't exist even though we were forced to see each other because he was bf with my FH).  The only reason he apologized was because I told his gf that FH and I will not be traveling and splitting expenses with them to a friend's wedding because of his refusal to apologize. 

Anyway, finally he did apologize and prior to all of this he would only say rude things when FH wasn't around.  Even after he apologized he soon started being nasty again, and this time he's not afraid to do so in front of FH.  I realize I have an additional separate problem with FH not sticking up for me, but I'm able to deal with that separately (he has some severe confrontation issues).  For now I just need to know what to do about this kid (and I say kid because he actually acts like a 12 year old). 

How do I deal with him being in the wedding party?  Do i ask FH that if he continues to treat me this way for him to ask this guy to step out of the party?  I'm not sure he even would. All of my BMs treat FH with kindness and respect - they wouldn't be my BMs if they treated him any less.  Or, if he continues to treat me this way, is it possible for ME to ask him to please step down out of respect for my FH (clearly not for me) because he is putting him in a position where none of us will be happy if he remains in the party.

Also, in between the time that he apologized and when he started treating me like crap, he told us that he and his gf were having a baby, at which point I stupidly and in-the-moment volunteered to throw them a jack and jill shower, with a date set and everything.  Now idk what to do because I care deeply for his gf and obviously can't bail because this part is about her, not me, but I'm not sure how to host for someone who treats me like garbage. 

Please help!  What should I do??

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Answers

  • Help!  I'm having a dilemma.  I'm getting married in September of 2019.  I have 6 bridesmaids.  FH has 5 groomsmen. One of the groomsmen is SOOO mean, rude, nasty, and straight up disrespectful - he seems to treat the women in his life like garbage. 

    There is much more to the story though.  We used to be best of friends in college and a few years after - so for 5 years or so.  Like he has called my mom "Mom" in the past, that's how often I would see him.  Then one thing led to another and he moved to where my at the time bf, now fiance lives to take a new job.  At the time FH and I were long distance.  During that time, FH and my friend ended up becoming best friends, at which point, this friend decided to pick one of us to be best friends with and from then on treated me like GARBAGE. 

    I moved up to be with my FH where I was happy that I already had at least one friend, but it was a very rude awakening when I realized that things had really changed.  My transition to moving to the middle of nowhere was really difficult.  I had started to have extremely severe health problems which made socializing really difficult.  It was a time when I needed a friend the most and instead he talked insane amounts of crap about me to the group of friends up here who, for a full year and half pretended I didn't exist because they thought I was worthless due to everything this friend was saying (it has gotten much better with them but that is a story for another day).

    At one point we had a complete falling out where, even though the whole group was hanging out, we refused to make eye contact or speak to each other because he refused to apologize for being a complete a******.  FH was on a work trip and I went out with the group and I was having a separate conversation with someone - I wasn't loud or ridiculous, and I didn't even speak much during the night, but he goes, mid-sentence "can we put a muzzle on this girl" - at which point the entire table went silent for probably 60 seconds.  He did not apologize for about 10 months (yes, we did the whole pretending the other didn't exist even though we were forced to see each other because he was bf with my FH).  The only reason he apologized was because I told his gf that FH and I will not be traveling and splitting expenses with them to a friend's wedding because of his refusal to apologize. 

    Anyway, finally he did apologize and prior to all of this he would only say rude things when FH wasn't around.  Even after he apologized he soon started being nasty again, and this time he's not afraid to do so in front of FH.  I realize I have an additional separate problem with FH not sticking up for me, but I'm able to deal with that separately (he has some severe confrontation issues).  For now I just need to know what to do about this kid (and I say kid because he actually acts like a 12 year old). 

    How do I deal with him being in the wedding party?  Do i ask FH that if he continues to treat me this way for him to ask this guy to step out of the party?  I'm not sure he even would. All of my BMs treat FH with kindness and respect - they wouldn't be my BMs if they treated him any less.  Or, if he continues to treat me this way, is it possible for ME to ask him to please step down out of respect for my FH (clearly not for me) because he is putting him in a position where none of us will be happy if he remains in the party.

    Also, in between the time that he apologized and when he started treating me like crap, he told us that he and his gf were having a baby, at which point I stupidly and in-the-moment volunteered to throw them a jack and jill shower, with a date set and everything.  Now idk what to do because I care deeply for his gf and obviously can't bail because this part is about her, not me, but I'm not sure how to host for someone who treats me like garbage. 

    Please help!  What should I do??
    You are correct that this is a FH issue not a GM issue.
    All you can do, until you FH stands up for you, is kill him with kindness. If that isn’t possible, ignore him like you have been doing. 

    I am kindof appalled that your FH would ask this guy to be his GM knowing your history.
    STARMOON44charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK
    2500 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Just to echo PP, 100% you have a FH problem not a friend problem. On several levels.

    Lurkers: don’t ask your wedding party until 9ish months before the wedding. Too much can change!
     
    STARMOON44NBSquared2017
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    This sounds (in tone) a little bit like me complaining to DH last night - I realized after a point that trying to pin down and explain for a while what makes me stressed and annoyed with something made it seem like I hated that thing, which is actually not true. It happened because stuff that is minor enough for DH not to notice was annoying me and then getting blown up in my head as well. Is it possible that you are overblowing things?

    Because if this guy is so awful, I genuinely don't understand "Let me throw you a shower!" as a gut reaction, or really you or your FI having any contact with him at all. It should be a no-brainer that you guys don't hang out, or if you end up in mutual company, you just don't really interact. That would be the adult way to handle this, if it's really as bad as you're making it out to be. And the supportive FI course of action would be not to engage with this guy, much less ask him to be in the WP.

    Anniversary

    short+sassyInLoveInQueens
  • eileenrobeileenrob
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Ditto others, this is a glaring FI problem.  I don’t care for all of my H’s friends and I didn’t care for them back when we got married and they were groomsmen, but they never treated me with disrespect.  That’s a hard red line- everyone in my life better not be a [email protected] to my H.  
    charlotte989875flantastic
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    Like the PPs say, your problem is with your FI tolerating his BF treating his FI like shit when he should have nipped that in the bud long ago. 

    I think you need to have a come-to-Jesus discussion with your FI about that.

    As for the shower, I think you need to follow through on that. But going forward, your FI needs to insist on polite and respectful treatment of you by this guy. No ifs, ands or buts.
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