Getting Over a "Bad" Wedding Day

knottienyc

Hi all!
I've seen a few posts about husbands getting too drunk/things going so wrong the bride couldn't enjoy the day, and I'm one of them Would love to share what happened & get some honest opinions before we discuss w/ a therapist this week. First, I didn't want a "wedding" - just a small, intimate destination celebration with only our closest friends and family, but he said he MUST have a big crowd/party and wouldn't relent. I was already upset about that, worried it wouldn't be about "us." So here's what happened:
-We don't live near all of our friends and family anymore, so my husband was excited to catch up with everyone who came to town. I left the bar around 11pm to drive back to our hotel because I wanted to sleep, and he chose to stay out with his friends & Uber back later. Fine. Figured he'd be home by 1 (two more hours), but I woke up every hour to find him STILL gone, and at 7am finally flipped out and texted everyone. I was shocked and so worried that maybe someone tried to drive him home drunk & something happened. Turned out he went up to his brother's room (the bar was at another hotel where his brother was staying) and passed out, but that's no excuse to leave me alone all night worried. His mom gets my text at 7 and wakes him up. The day begins with me getting no sleep, being freaked out, and now very angry at him. 
-I had appointments starting at 9am so I left before he got back. By the time I got back it was basically 2 hours til the wedding and I wasn't sure what to do. I was married before and this day/decision was really important and meaningful to me. I said I need to be completely happy about marrying you and now I'm not, it's not fair. He swore he wouldn't drink a sip of alcohol all day and I knew he realized he had made a mistake. Reluctantly, I agreed but said you absolutely cannot drink another sip and he swore to me he wouldn't.
-His parents arrive late for photos, then are off talking to their friends instead of coming with us for the actual marriage license signing, which is the whole point of the day - OUR marriage. Not his fault, but contributes to my stress. I have to awkwardly sit around fuming mad from the night before with my family and the officiant as he runs all over the hotel property to try to find his family (mine, of course, followed us to the room, because they were focused on us, while his are focused on chatting with their friends who I didn't even want to invite - remember I wanted an intimate day, not a huge crowd of strangers distracting from the point).
-The pictures sucked. I was too angry and it didn't feel authentic. That made me so mad because those are the memories of the day we'll keep forever, and I'm fake-smiling. The ceremony was better - his vows were nice and obviously it was just us on a platform and no one else, so I started feeling a little better because IT WAS JUST US.
-As soon as the reception begins and we get back to his friends, things go downhill. After the ceremony as I'm saying hi to everyone, my husband is at the bar drinking with his friends after he JUST swore he wouldn't. By the time they announce us to come into the room, he's drunk again and makes a big production walking into the room as if to present himself, with me literally trailing behind him trying to keep up. I was so shocked. We begin the first dance and I'm basically back to where I was for pictures - fake-smiling and miserable. The moment is not romantic, just sad and awkward.
-I try to dance with him a little after people come out on the floor and the real music starts but I'm so annoyed that he didn't come home all night, swore he wouldn't drink, and then starts drinking again. He steps on my dress and rips the bustle out. I spend 30 minutes in a bathroom with my friends having to safety-pin it and it looks terrible and falls out every 20 minutes for the rest of the night.
-My husband continues drinking despite telling me he's "not drunk." I remind him of his promise and he says "I thought it was ok to drink now." He's not falling over or anything but he's doing all sorts of crazy dancing, grabbing the microphone and screaming obscene raps, and just basically turns the night into his bachelor party, my worst fear. I sit off in a corner with my friends and we are all watching him and just embarrassed. For the next few hours he is just dancing with his friends loving the attention and I'm off to the side upset not enjoying the night at all, literally praying for it to end.

Soooo... I get that the "party" element of the wedding is really exciting for many people, but having been married before, it was important to me that I do this with a clear conscience, really feel connected and romantic on this day, and that it be about us. I couldn't believe that despite knowing that and making many promises to me that he'd focus on me and not drink, he went back on all of those promises. Even in his vows he said he'd "always put [me] first" so I felt like he broke his vows ON our wedding day. I reiterated all of this to him when we got back to our room and went to bed. Obviously didn't have sex. I woke up the next day still so mad and feeling like my day was taken from me. My friends and family just wanted to see me finally happy and instead spent the night seeing my husband act like a frat boy and consoling me. It really wasn't fair to me at all. I know he is "sorry" but there is no way to fix a wedding day. It's one day. Our honeymoon was nice (I planned the entire thing) but I was also disappointed that he didn't surprise me with anything the entire time. I kept asking him if he would do something to make up for the wedding and he said "Yes" but then the honeymoon comes and goes and he didn't even so much as order flowers to our hotel room. I just feel confused. I know he is a good person and "it's only one day" but it's a huge day to ruin for someone. He knows how he gets when he's drinking with his friends and he had months of warnings/requests from me not to do that on our wedding, but did it anyway -- twice (because he had a chance to turn it around after he didn't come home the night before but then made the same mistake again). I am just having trouble getting over it. How do you get past something like this? Has anyone else had a similar experience and gotten over the sad/angry feelings? If he had hired a photographer to take some pictures of us on our honeymoon that would have been an example of how he could have made up for it, but I just feel like he's not DOING anything? Any help is so appreciated.

GBCK

you say know he is 'sorry', but, can you tell me how you 'know' that?
You say you know he's a good person, can you tell me how you know that?

I'm not sure a 'grand gesture' like flowers or standing outside your house with a boombox or whatever SHOULD make up for it. 

I"m sorry your husband is an ass, and I think he might be able to come cloestst to 'make up for it' by going to AA.

banana468

There's a lot to dissect here:

1) You agreed to a big party.   That you can't hold over his head because you compromised about it and agreed to it.   If that would make you upset to even have a guest list then you should have held that as a non negotiable point.   To bring that up as a point of contention repeatedly isn't appropriate on your part.  

2) Attending to guests is what hosts do.   That your ILs attended to their guests at the event isn't bad.  That is what you do.   Who was hosting this event?   Did YOU greet them?  The ceremony is about you and your H but guests need to be greeted and welcomed.   That your ILs greeted their guests should not be viewed as something bad.

3) I'm confused by your vows.   Did you invite your guests to view them?  Did you scoot away for private vows to come back to a party?  This part wasn't explained well.   Can you elaborate? 

4) I think you put a lot of pressure on how you're supposed to feel vs. reality.   That doesn't mean that you should be harboring grudges, but I think that expectations are resentments waiting to happen.   And in this case, you wanted to feel a certain way and didn't.   Now you're blaming your H for how you felt like it ruined all the things.

Onto your H
1) Is it normal behavior for him to go boozing and not go home or check in?  Is his boozing with friends super common?   Has he ever shows to change this? 

2) Was he really drunk on your wedding day or did he have a couple cocktails and accidentally trip on your dress?  I'm not saying he's blameless - I'm just curious about how you knew he crossed over from party mode to can't operate machinery mode.   Tripping over a dress isn't really a great barometer IMO because wedding dresses are so huge and I'm pretty sure mine was stepped on by klutzy women.   

3) Did you TELL him that he wasn't going to drink that day before he swore he wouldn't?  Was it a request or did he volunteer this? 

4) Agreeing that he screwed up, has he done this before?

5) In the past, has he made up for this in other ways and what does he consider making up for this? 

6) What has your communication been like outside of wedding planning when conflicts arise? 

7) If you planned the honeymoon was it in a location that he could easily call for flowers or find a photographer?   Are those gestures in keeping with things that you would reasonably expect from him or are they things that you WANT him to do that are not the type of things he's ever done? 

I guess I want to know
-How was the wedding day completely ruined?
-Do you ever drink at all? 
-Do you want additional credit for booking the honeymoon or do you want to use it as something he DIDN'T do? 

You and your H seem to have a lot of issues but one of the big ones seems to be that you harbor grudges and allow his actions to be what makes or breaks your mood.  I'm confused about how you two have resolved past conflicts and if his actions are in keeping with how they were previously resolved or if this is something brand new.

charlotte989875

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

Hi all!
I've seen a few posts about husbands getting too drunk/things going so wrong the bride couldn't enjoy the day, and I'm one of them Would love to share what happened & get some honest opinions before we discuss w/ a therapist this week. First, I didn't want a "wedding" - just a small, intimate destination celebration with only our closest friends and family, but he said he MUST have a big crowd/party and wouldn't relent. I was already upset about that, worried it wouldn't be about "us." So here's what happened:
-We don't live near all of our friends and family anymore, so my husband was excited to catch up with everyone who came to town. I left the bar around 11pm to drive back to our hotel because I wanted to sleep, and he chose to stay out with his friends & Uber back later. Fine. Figured he'd be home by 1 (two more hours), but I woke up every hour to find him STILL gone, and at 7am finally flipped out and texted everyone. I was shocked and so worried that maybe someone tried to drive him home drunk & something happened. Turned out he went up to his brother's room (the bar was at another hotel where his brother was staying) and passed out, but that's no excuse to leave me alone all night worried. His mom gets my text at 7 and wakes him up. The day begins with me getting no sleep, being freaked out, and now very angry at him. 
-I had appointments starting at 9am so I left before he got back. By the time I got back it was basically 2 hours til the wedding and I wasn't sure what to do. I was married before and this day/decision was really important and meaningful to me. I said I need to be completely happy about marrying you and now I'm not, it's not fair. He swore he wouldn't drink a sip of alcohol all day and I knew he realized he had made a mistake. Reluctantly, I agreed but said you absolutely cannot drink another sip and he swore to me he wouldn't.
-His parents arrive late for photos, then are off talking to their friends instead of coming with us for the actual marriage license signing, which is the whole point of the day - OUR marriage. Not his fault, but contributes to my stress. I have to awkwardly sit around fuming mad from the night before with my family and the officiant as he runs all over the hotel property to try to find his family (mine, of course, followed us to the room, because they were focused on us, while his are focused on chatting with their friends who I didn't even want to invite - remember I wanted an intimate day, not a huge crowd of strangers distracting from the point).
-The pictures sucked. I was too angry and it didn't feel authentic. That made me so mad because those are the memories of the day we'll keep forever, and I'm fake-smiling. The ceremony was better - his vows were nice and obviously it was just us on a platform and no one else, so I started feeling a little better because IT WAS JUST US.
-As soon as the reception begins and we get back to his friends, things go downhill. After the ceremony as I'm saying hi to everyone, my husband is at the bar drinking with his friends after he JUST swore he wouldn't. By the time they announce us to come into the room, he's drunk again and makes a big production walking into the room as if to present himself, with me literally trailing behind him trying to keep up. I was so shocked. We begin the first dance and I'm basically back to where I was for pictures - fake-smiling and miserable. The moment is not romantic, just sad and awkward.
-I try to dance with him a little after people come out on the floor and the real music starts but I'm so annoyed that he didn't come home all night, swore he wouldn't drink, and then starts drinking again. He steps on my dress and rips the bustle out. I spend 30 minutes in a bathroom with my friends having to safety-pin it and it looks terrible and falls out every 20 minutes for the rest of the night.
-My husband continues drinking despite telling me he's "not drunk." I remind him of his promise and he says "I thought it was ok to drink now." He's not falling over or anything but he's doing all sorts of crazy dancing, grabbing the microphone and screaming obscene raps, and just basically turns the night into his bachelor party, my worst fear. I sit off in a corner with my friends and we are all watching him and just embarrassed. For the next few hours he is just dancing with his friends loving the attention and I'm off to the side upset not enjoying the night at all, literally praying for it to end.

Soooo... I get that the "party" element of the wedding is really exciting for many people, but having been married before, it was important to me that I do this with a clear conscience, really feel connected and romantic on this day, and that it be about us. I couldn't believe that despite knowing that and making many promises to me that he'd focus on me and not drink, he went back on all of those promises. Even in his vows he said he'd "always put [me] first" so I felt like he broke his vows ON our wedding day. I reiterated all of this to him when we got back to our room and went to bed. Obviously didn't have sex. I woke up the next day still so mad and feeling like my day was taken from me. My friends and family just wanted to see me finally happy and instead spent the night seeing my husband act like a frat boy and consoling me. It really wasn't fair to me at all. I know he is "sorry" but there is no way to fix a wedding day. It's one day. Our honeymoon was nice (I planned the entire thing) but I was also disappointed that he didn't surprise me with anything the entire time. I kept asking him if he would do something to make up for the wedding and he said "Yes" but then the honeymoon comes and goes and he didn't even so much as order flowers to our hotel room. I just feel confused. I know he is a good person and "it's only one day" but it's a huge day to ruin for someone. He knows how he gets when he's drinking with his friends and he had months of warnings/requests from me not to do that on our wedding, but did it anyway -- twice (because he had a chance to turn it around after he didn't come home the night before but then made the same mistake again). I am just having trouble getting over it. How do you get past something like this? Has anyone else had a similar experience and gotten over the sad/angry feelings? If he had hired a photographer to take some pictures of us on our honeymoon that would have been an example of how he could have made up for it, but I just feel like he's not DOING anything? Any help is so appreciated.

There’s a lot going on here and before you head to therapy together (which I think is a great plan) might to be to focus on a few things. What do you want to happen from here on out? He can’t change what he did, but what do you need moving forward. The other would be to identify what he had control over that day, what you did, and what was out of your control. His parents chatting with their friends? Not comething you can control & should just let go. Him stepping on your dress? Happens to perfectly sober people. Let it go. 

Things he could control? Not texting/calling the night before. Absolutely should have done that. You deserved an apology. Him getting drunk? Sure, maybe he should have cut back a bit. But it’s not just your day, it’s his as well. I think it’s a little extreme to tell another adult, on the morning of, that they can’t drink a single drop of alcohol on their wedding day. 

There are also things you could have controlled. You chose to be angry with him all day. We all choose how we let our emotions/feelings get to us. I’m not saying he wasn’t wrong for some of this (he was) but you can’t let someone else’s actions dictate your entire mood. 

I also think waiting/excepting/holding on to him doing something “to make up for it” is a recipe for disaster. He made some big mistakes. Hopefully he apologized for them. But how much do you want to hold on to this? I know it’s a big deal and I’m not trying to diminish your feelings. You’re entitled to feel sad/disappointed things were not what you expected. But you also can’t this over his head forever. 

ei34

Has your H drank to the point of it bothering you in the past?  Or was this its own isolated incident?

The not calling/texting the night before and him being drunk enough to be acting in a way that embarrassed you at your reception aren’t okay.  Some of the other things maybe just bothered you bc you were already upset?  (Your in-laws are welcome to socialize at a wedding...several people stepped on my dress pre-bustle, etc.)

My H didn’t do any big gestures on our honeymoon.  (Is that a thing H’s are supposed to do?)  And if your H had- would all that you posted here have been forgiven?

Counseling is smart (did you go before you were married?). Something to reflect on is- are you always the one compromising?  You wanted ABC wedding and he wanted XYZ wedding, and you had XYZ wedding.  Is that a common theme?  Just something to ponder.  I hope none of my thoughts came off as rude, I’m really sorry that you feel this way!

ShesSoCold

Oh, man. This is a lot.

First off, like PP said, you seem to have had some pretty huge expectations of your husband and your wedding day. You sound like you were already upset and holding a grudge and being a martyr about having a large wedding in the first place. You agreed to it; it's not fair to your husband to keep holding that over his head. And TBH, I think you're using small things like his parents being late and him stepping on the dress as unnecessary "ammo" to be all "SEE?! I didn't want this anyway!". Also the tone of your "of course my parents were there" is kind of icky and just sounds petty.

I also don't think it's fair to hold things he didn't do against him. Would it have been nice for him to surprise you with something on the honeymoon? Sure. But unless you outright said to him, "It would be very important for me if you would have flowers sent to the room", then you can't expect him to know that.

For example, I've told my husband, after an argument that sure, some flowers or something would have been nice. He's told me that (since a good portion of our arguments used to be about money) he thought flowers would upset me more because I'd see them as a band-aid approach and not an actual solution or that I'd be mad that he spent money. He doesn't know what I don't tell him and I can't expect him to.

I'm not dismissing his drunken foolery and I would have been irate. It does sound as though he didn't take your wedding seriously and that's genuinely sad. But you need to stop dwelling on that and think about where you go from here. You can't change what happened but you can control what happens next.

Is is common for him to drink like this and not come home? That would be a HUGE red flag for me and probably a dealbreaker. He may need some help with an addiction. Would he be willing to dig a little deeper and consider that he may have a problem? If not, that's an even bigger red flag. 

He could also very well just have let the weekend and his friends and the fun get the best of him (definitely has happened to me!). If that's the case - what do you expect from him now? If you want him to kiss your ass for the next however long, you need to communicate that to him. 

I'm sorry this happened and I hope you can both use this as a good communication and boundary builder. But please try not to hold this over his head because that won't help anyone here. Remember you're on the same team and should have the same goal at the end of this issue. 

Jen4948

I'm sorry that your wedding day didn't go as you hoped. I think you are doing the right thing by seeking therapy.

But while you're there, you have some serious issues to address. You aren't going to get another wedding day back, so you need to focus on the here and now.

Your husband's drinking, failure to come home, and failure to respect his promise to you not to drink on your wedding day are serious issues. I'd consider Al-Anon or a similar support group in addition to your therapy.

That said, as PPs note, you agreed to the big wedding even though it wasn't what you wanted, and his family was entitled to visit with each other. I'm not clear on why the license signing was a moment that required their undivided attention (I would have thought the vow exchange and being pronounced married was the highlight of the ceremony). And yes, while it's understandable that his behavior was obnoxious and made you angry, you chose to be in a bad mood.

I'm also not clear on what gesture he was supposed to make that would have "made up" for his wedding day antics. If you didn't specify what you wanted him to do, let alone didn't make clear that the gesture was supposed to compensate for what you missed in your wedding day, that may be why he didn't make o,e on your honeymoon.

knottienyc

Thank you for your advice. We did family photos outdoors before the ceremony and then asked everyone to follow us inside to sign the marriage license directly after that, before the guests arrived. We were on a schedule trying not to be seen by arriving guests, plus everyone knew how stressed I was from him not coming home the night before, so it would have been nice if his parents could have just stuck to the task at hand and focused on us instead of falling behind to chat with friends and delaying everything. We hosted the wedding fyi.

As for drinking, I barely do. He barely does around me either -- but had a reputation in the past for being a huge partier throughout his 20s and 30s. By the time I met him he was almost 40 and in a different place. So the person I know is a mature adult, and I've only seen him be "party guy
 2-3 times at some other events (being loud, dancing wildly, wanting all eyes on him) and it was annoying for sure but I never thought he'd do that at our wedding, and we had specifically discussed that before I agreed to have one. He agreed he wouldn't act like that months ahead of the day. In our day to day life he is kind and respectful and has a career and responsibilities, so he isn't interested in getting drunk. I felt like the wedding was a bait and switch where I showed up to marry the person I know, but then he reverted back to old habits to impress his friends and disregarded everything we talked about. 

The specific issues for me were just that I had to feel hurt on the day of (by him not coming home the night before, him acting like an idiot instead of the person I know, dancing like an idiot and rapping inappropriate lyrics on the microphone) instead of it being romantic and fun for me. We spent SO much money on the wedding because he wanted this big affair at a beautiful high end venue, so the fact that he acted like a drunk fool was offensive and a shock to me. I can't get that money back, and I deserved to have a nice wedding day too. So what I expect is really for him to a) never get that drunk again. b) realize he doesn't "owe" his friends anything and stop trying to impress him like he did in college. c) some sort of romantic moment/gesture on the honeymoon to make up for the wedding (which didn't happen). I just felt like he should know to do this, but maybe I'm wrong to expect it?

climbingsingle

So, you made him promise to you to not drink during the wedding, but then you were shocked when he did drink and acted like a fool? It seems like you did have an inkling this would happen - otherwise why make him promise to not drink? 

The grudge you are holding against his parents is petty. Let it go. 

How long have you and your H been together? Have you ever done any couples counseling?

ShesSoCold

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

Thank you for your advice. We did family photos outdoors before the ceremony and then asked everyone to follow us inside to sign the marriage license directly after that, before the guests arrived. We were on a schedule trying not to be seen by arriving guests, plus everyone knew how stressed I was from him not coming home the night before, so it would have been nice if his parents could have just stuck to the task at hand and focused on us instead of falling behind to chat with friends and delaying everything. We hosted the wedding fyi.

As for drinking, I barely do. He barely does around me either -- but had a reputation in the past for being a huge partier throughout his 20s and 30s. By the time I met him he was almost 40 and in a different place. So the person I know is a mature adult, and I've only seen him be "party guy
 2-3 times at some other events (being loud, dancing wildly, wanting all eyes on him) and it was annoying for sure but I never thought he'd do that at our wedding, and we had specifically discussed that before I agreed to have one. He agreed he wouldn't act like that months ahead of the day. In our day to day life he is kind and respectful and has a career and responsibilities, so he isn't interested in getting drunk. I felt like the wedding was a bait and switch where I showed up to marry the person I know, but then he reverted back to old habits to impress his friends and disregarded everything we talked about. 

The specific issues for me were just that I had to feel hurt on the day of (by him not coming home the night before, him acting like an idiot instead of the person I know, dancing like an idiot and rapping inappropriate lyrics on the microphone) instead of it being romantic and fun for me. We spent SO much money on the wedding because he wanted this big affair at a beautiful high end venue, so the fact that he acted like a drunk fool was offensive and a shock to me. I can't get that money back, and I deserved to have a nice wedding day too. So what I expect is really for him to a) never get that drunk again. b) realize he doesn't "owe" his friends anything and stop trying to impress him like he did in college. c) some sort of romantic moment/gesture on the honeymoon to make up for the wedding (which didn't happen). I just felt like he should know to do this, but maybe I'm wrong to expect it?

I'm sorry to be blunt, but to the bolded, yes, you are. You cannot expect anyone (even especially your husband) to read you mind and know exactly what you want if you're not willing to tell him. You need to communicate your expectations to him and be prepared for him to disagree. You'll need to compromise but most importantly COMMUNICATE. COMM.UNI.CATE.

Several of us have asked questions and tried to help you focus on the what happens next, not keep dwelling on what happened. You posted again about all of the things that went wrong.

You really need to try to let go of what specifically happened and think about the future. How are you going to get over this? How are you going to talk to him about how he hurt you and what you expect of him in the future? How are you going to communicate your needs to him? 

banana468

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

Thank you for your advice. We did family photos outdoors before the ceremony and then asked everyone to follow us inside to sign the marriage license directly after that, before the guests arrived. We were on a schedule trying not to be seen by arriving guests, plus everyone knew how stressed I was from him not coming home the night before, so it would have been nice if his parents could have just stuck to the task at hand and focused on us instead of falling behind to chat with friends and delaying everything. We hosted the wedding fyi.

As for drinking, I barely do. He barely does around me either -- but had a reputation in the past for being a huge partier throughout his 20s and 30s. By the time I met him he was almost 40 and in a different place. So the person I know is a mature adult, and I've only seen him be "party guy
 2-3 times at some other events (being loud, dancing wildly, wanting all eyes on him) and it was annoying for sure but I never thought he'd do that at our wedding, and we had specifically discussed that before I agreed to have one. He agreed he wouldn't act like that months ahead of the day. In our day to day life he is kind and respectful and has a career and responsibilities, so he isn't interested in getting drunk. I felt like the wedding was a bait and switch where I showed up to marry the person I know, but then he reverted back to old habits to impress his friends and disregarded everything we talked about. 

The specific issues for me were just that I had to feel hurt on the day of (by him not coming home the night before, him acting like an idiot instead of the person I know, dancing like an idiot and rapping inappropriate lyrics on the microphone) instead of it being romantic and fun for me. We spent SO much money on the wedding because he wanted this big affair at a beautiful high end venue, so the fact that he acted like a drunk fool was offensive and a shock to me. I can't get that money back, and I deserved to have a nice wedding day too. So what I expect is really for him to a) never get that drunk again. b) realize he doesn't "owe" his friends anything and stop trying to impress him like he did in college. c) some sort of romantic moment/gesture on the honeymoon to make up for the wedding (which didn't happen). I just felt like he should know to do this, but maybe I'm wrong to expect it?

I AM STUCK IN A BOX! 

OK, there's a lot to unpack in your response too.   Things that stick out to me:
-A lot of your sentences start with "I" rather than "we".   

-Just out of curiosity, how long have you known him?     Have you seen him at any other parties or weddings where he wasn't party guy??  I'm curious if he's with the same group if this is what he does and if you say it's "only been 2-3 times" but coincidentally that's also the same amount of times you've seen him with these friends. 

-You are still blaming his parents as a reason that you're mad at him.   You need to let that go.  

-Has he ever gone out and not checked in?  I can tell you that I would be irate if DH did this but when he is out I ask for some kind of check in at least around 1 AM.   Did YOU message him?  I know that there have been nights when DH was out without me and if I've gone to bed and woken up after midnight I'll send a message with, "ETA?"   It's a nudge and it may annoy him but at that point I just want to know if I should anticipate seeing him within minutes of sunrise or that text.    Regardless it was still a jerk move on his part. 

-I'm also curious: Are your friends like his friends at all?   In your last paragraph it sounds like you sat there and watched him have fun but again I'm curious - what was he rapping?   Were HIS friends and family having fun?    What I"m trying to understand is if this is a case of two groups that clearly don't mesh at all or was he making a spectacle of himself with all other guests standing there aghast?   Clearly it upset you but I want to know if it was just you and your friends who sat there with the same opinion.

-Aside from this how was your wedding day "not nice"?  Do you really think that one person's actions are what contribute to you enjoying the time?  You're giving him way too much control over your mood here.

-It seems like you know he enjoys to tie one on.   Did you think it was a reasonable request to ask him to be not like what he normally does at parties?? 

Also, regarding your comments:
A) You want him to never get that drunk again.   What if he does?  Will all future feelings for him hinge on this request?  

Do you think he's trying to reclaim his youth?  Again, what's his normal mode when dealing with his buddies?  Do you think he's trying to prove something? 

C) How have you communicated that you want a romantic gesture?   Are romantic gestures part of something he normally does and have you said as much to him? 

I'm going to be honest - so much of what you're saying seems to be getting upset with your husband for not being a mind reader.   His drunken actions and lack of respect for your feelings are poor.   But if you don't tell him what your feelings ARE and what you're expecting how can you expect him to know them? 

I'll be married for 11 years this weekend.   I can tell you that if I don't tell my husband what I'm wanting I can't expect to get it.   That may mean that I send links to what I want for Christmas down to a link with the color chosen of a handbag I want and I may say, "I like flowers.   You should buy them for me more often."  Yeah, it takes away from some of the romance but it also means he's listened to me when he follows through.   

ILoveBeachMusic

@banana468 I've been married 35 years and H knows my favorite jeweler so well she calls him when she gets a piece she knows I will like! He now knows just to go there when shopping for gifts. Point being OP, you can't expect your H or any other person to read your mind about what you want. You have to tell them.

MesmrEwe

The best thing about the past is - it's OVER!  

There is a lot going on.  Give your IL's a "pass" because they did what hosts are suppose to do.  Your H OTOH, the problem is that you BOTH didn't set the ground rules before the event even started planning this huge event (there's a reason most employers have a policy for behavior/consumption of alcohol at events).  You now know he cannot keep track of how much alcohol he consumes once he starts and this is something that is going to need to be addressed.  There are just a lot of warning signs regarding him and alcohol in your post which needs you both when he's in a sober state to have a "come to Jesus" about because people don't change just because you've now got a ring on your finger, this should have been addressed before you said "I do" because it sounds like you've got buyer's remorse in the tone of what you posted, OTOH, you're one of the "L's" in his life and need to stand firm for what you're willing to accept.  His behavior didn't/doesn't respect you, period.  "Knows he messed up" in YOUR mind and "He knew he messed up and changed his behavior such that I've never experienced that form of stupidity ever in my life since our wedding night" are two entirely different things.  This should have been part of premarital discussions because how you both behave around alcohol can easily become a deal breaker.  

That said, you aren't the first and you won't be the last bride whose groom either was still inebriated while saying vows, or wasn't up to the what you thought was their task on their wedding night.  The question is what's next, you say "I'm glad that's over! Now I'm reminded of why I didn't want the big wedding in the first place!  I never have to do that again, is there any leftover cake?  What's on Netflix tonight to watch while on the treadmill?"...  Give yourself a time to grieve the perfect day wasn't, and decide what you want to focus your attention on next because this is wasting far too much of your time already that you can be out doing other things instead..

ernursej

Agree with PPs. I do think you should give yourself permission to be very upset about everything for 1 evening. Eat all the cupcakes, watch sad movies, do anything you want to grieve the loss of an expectation. After that, you need to move forward with plans for how to communicate better (both of you need to do so), deciding on how to decision make together and determining how to move forward. Counselling is great and I believe that more couples should go before AND after to ensure they stay on the right track.

The number one reason marriages have problems is communication breakdown. It sounds like you had different expectations but failed to properly communicate those expectations to each other. This can be fixed going forward.  

charlotte989875

So I just want to add; drinking “too much” one night, even two nights, does not *necessarily* mean the H has a problem with alcohol/is an alcoholic/needs help with his drinking. I get there is a lot of confusion about addiction and/or substance use/misuse but (and I know I say this on a lot of posts) getting drunk doesn’t automatically = a drinking problem. 

Im not trying to say the OP shouldnt talk to him about alcohol use if she is worried about it, absolutely she should, but unless there is much more to the story the idea that there are a ton of red flags about his drinking seems a little rash to me. 

MesmrEwe

charlotte989875 said:

So I just want to add; drinking “too much” one night, even two nights, does not *necessarily* mean the H has a problem with alcohol/is an alcoholic/needs help with his drinking. I get there is a lot of confusion about addiction and/or substance use/misuse but (and I know I say this on a lot of posts) getting drunk doesn’t automatically = a drinking problem. 

Im not trying to say the OP shouldnt talk to him about alcohol use if she is worried about it, absolutely she should, but unless there is much more to the story the idea that there are a ton of red flags about his drinking seems a little rash to me. 

I agree - I'm primarily referring to just in general drinking things like "if you're going to stay out all night please give me a call to let me know" type things.   Or "if you think you've had too many, call me and I'll pick you up.."  

knottienyc

Thank you all! Trying to answer all of the great questions. We were together a year before getting engaged. I've seen him at plenty of other weddings when he acted completely fine (just normal drunk and we danced and had fun), and one where he was annoyingly drunk and embarrassed me a little (whistling and being too loud and immature, etc.) but I let it go because it was just the one time. The drinking to this degree (where he forgets to check his phone/passes out and doesn't come home) has never happened before, so it's not something I worry about happening again, I just thought it was so disrespectful to do it at our wedding since we had discussed that I hate when he acted like that another time at a friend's wedding, and in this case it was another level with not even coming home PLUS the drunk antics the next day after I was already upset. I think he got overly excited around his friends, but it sucks to take the backseat to other people and feel like the person who is less important when it's YOUR wedding.

HIS friends had a great time, but if any of them acted like he did their wives would be livid. My friends were split -- some were like "Ha, he's so fun!" and others were like "Oh man." It's mostly that he let an extreme side of his personality out that's a bit shocking and not really appropriate for a wedding at our venue and at our age. Specific example of what upset me: You don't grab a microphone and rap a song with explicit lyrics in front of my niece and nephew and your boss, nor do you do it at a fancy and expensive venue like we had. It just wasn't right and sober him would NEVER do that. 

I tried to be specific about how he could make me feel better (and I know "plan a surprise on the honeymoon" wasn't "specific" but it was some direction at least). I also suggested breakfast in bed, things like that. He didn't do anything though, because he thinks everything is fine since I'm acting perfectly nice and normal, but inside I'm still upset about it. If he did something like that right away, before this lingered and festered, it would have made me feel better. But I didn't feel like he made any such gesture and am still upset, so that's why we're going to therapy.

I definitely don't think AA would help here. He barely ever drinks and knows there are only specific situations where he drinks THAT much and gets that drunk and annoying, so it's not something that happens regularly -- just a rare glimpse into his single partying days of the past. Literally 3x in our entire 2 year relationship, one being our wedding day, did I see him annoyingly drunk.We've never been to counseling so I think this will help just put a nail in this so I can move on. Reading all of these great responses, and appreciate the advice!

LondonLisa

It sounds like he got caught up in his old 20s personality and reverted back to that. That is pathetic for a man in his 40s. I am not going to sit here and pretend that I was stone cold sober at my wedding, but I was always focused on my H. 

Firstly, you are playing mind games by acting nice and normal when its not. You cannot expect someone to read your mind. You cannot blame the guy if you are pretending everything is fine, when he thinks everything is fine. That's not cool. 

What does he say when you actually try to talk to him? Not how he could make you feel better, or the subtle hints,  etc. Have you actually spelled out to him: a "I'm hurt and disappointed because I did not enjoy our wedding. It was all about you. You kept me up all night worrying about where you were, you got drunk after you promised not to drink anymore. And you frankly embarrassed me by getting so drunk in front of everyone. It was like you wanted to party like you were 20 again with your friends but I felt like you didn't care if I was there or not. I know we have talked about this, but nothing is getting solved. I don't think you are understanding how serious this is. I feel incredibly rejected and hurt by you".

And also, the whole "make it up to you" thing: it kind of goes back to his selfishness and your coy, pretend everything is OK. I would suggest you read the love languages book, some people like gifts, some people do actions etc, how they express love. But it sounds like you H really isn't doing anything. I fully agree you need to communicate with your H, but don't just say "I want flowers", spell out how he made you feel. Say "I am still hurt by your actions at the wedding, and it would mean a lot to me if you could make it up to me. Maybe taking me out to dinner, or something. Because right now I feel unimportant. Your behaviour made me feel like you wanted a uni party with your friends, and you didn't care if I was there or not. I don't know how this could work, but please could you have a think about what you could do, because I feel very rejected right now. Any effort to make it better would really go a long way. Because this is something I just cannot ignore."

banana468

Have you addressed with him what he did?    I have no idea what rap song he used but did you tell him what he did and who saw it?? 

You said "fancy and expensive" venue to describe that TWICE.   Do you think how people act at weddings has anything to do with the kind of event that you're hosting it in?  To a certain degree I'll agree with you but an open bar and drunken antics can happen in a tux or on a trampoline. 

I just get the impression that you had a vision in your head of how things went and when his actions were incongruous with this vision in your mind it's led to unresolved feelings about the event as a whole. 

Honestly - I think "Plan a surprise on the honeymoon" is terrible direction especially if you planned it and especially if it he lacked any knowledge about the local area.   Are surprises his thing?   If I told my husband that I wanted him to plan a surprise in an area he's never been to before he'd probably look at me like I had 8 heads.    

He's messed up and owes you an apology but it also sounds like you feel like he owes you some grandiose gesture and you aren't using your words.   You want him to have these feelings on his own of remorse for his actions and you're pretending that everything his fine so he's not seeing how upset you are.   Do you understand that to him he sees that you're over this if you are acting like everything is fine and yet on the inside you're boiling over?   

You need to speak up and manage your expectations.   You need to say, "I'm so incredibly upset at your lack of respect for me the night before our wedding that you were out all night and not once did you reach out to tell me where you were going to be.   I'm upset that you used words in front of our niece and nephew that were so bad they never heard them before.   I feel like you discounted my feelings and felt ignored.   I think we need to take some time for US without all the antics.   I want a night out with you that you plan at a restaurant that is X or like it and I want you to want to talk to me about the cowboy that showed up on our wedding day and whether I can expect to see him again or if he's back at the ranch for good."

And you need to leave all the things that you agreed to in advance and how his parents acted completely out of the conversation.   

OliveOilsMom

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

Thank you all! Trying to answer all of the great questions. We were together a year before getting engaged. I've seen him at plenty of other weddings when he acted completely fine (just normal drunk and we danced and had fun), and one where he was annoyingly drunk and embarrassed me a little (whistling and being too loud and immature, etc.) but I let it go because it was just the one time. The drinking to this degree (where he forgets to check his phone/passes out and doesn't come home) has never happened before, so it's not something I worry about happening again, I just thought it was so disrespectful to do it at our wedding since we had discussed that I hate when he acted like that another time at a friend's wedding, and in this case it was another level with not even coming home PLUS the drunk antics the next day after I was already upset. I think he got overly excited around his friends, but it sucks to take the backseat to other people and feel like the person who is less important when it's YOUR wedding.

HIS friends had a great time, but if any of them acted like he did their wives would be livid. My friends were split -- some were like "Ha, he's so fun!" and others were like "Oh man." It's mostly that he let an extreme side of his personality out that's a bit shocking and not really appropriate for a wedding at our venue and at our age. Specific example of what upset me: You don't grab a microphone and rap a song with explicit lyrics in front of my niece and nephew and your boss, nor do you do it at a fancy and expensive venue like we had. It just wasn't right and sober him would NEVER do that. 

I tried to be specific about how he could make me feel better (and I know "plan a surprise on the honeymoon" wasn't "specific" but it was some direction at least). I also suggested breakfast in bed, things like that. He didn't do anything though, because he thinks everything is fine since I'm acting perfectly nice and normal, but inside I'm still upset about it. If he did something like that right away, before this lingered and festered, it would have made me feel better. But I didn't feel like he made any such gesture and am still upset, so that's why we're going to therapy.

I definitely don't think AA would help here. He barely ever drinks and knows there are only specific situations where he drinks THAT much and gets that drunk and annoying, so it's not something that happens regularly -- just a rare glimpse into his single partying days of the past. Literally 3x in our entire 2 year relationship, one being our wedding day, did I see him annoyingly drunk.We've never been to counseling so I think this will help just put a nail in this so I can move on. Reading all of these great responses, and appreciate the advice!

To the bolded: This is why your H felt there was no need to do anything further after embarrassing you at the wedding.  HE THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER EVERYTHING.  While your H behavior was embarrassing to you, he never fully knew the extent that you were upset because you acted like everything is ok.  He can't do any of the grand gestures you expect to help make up for the wedding, if he thinks that you are a-ok.

This is something that you should bring up in the therapy.  "I realize that part of the after effects are my fault.  I hid my true feelings and acted like everything was fine."

When you are in therapy, have specific examples ready.  If that means writing down some things now, so you don't get flustered once in your session, that would be good.  Maybe write out your full list now, then review it and edit it down to the most troublesome things.  Also take a look at the list to see if what you are upset about is really your H's fault, for example, you shouldn't be holding his parents actions against him.

A PP mentioned the love languages book, I think that would be useful to you both.  It will help you each to learn how the other shows affection.  It can also help you both to learn what the other expects for apologies.

climbingsingle

You need to communicate with your husband. Stop pretending everything is OK, and talk to him! 

mrsconn23

climbingwife said:

You need to communicate with your husband. Stop pretending everything is OK, and talk to him! 

This. But when you start the conversation, you need to apologize to him for telling him you were 'fine'.  Because if you just start in on him about how you're not over it, it's going to feel like it came out of nowhere and that you're rehashing what he thinks is a closed issue. 

And before you even approach him, I recommend writing down a list of things that you are upset about (however big or small) and then edit the list down to the things that are truly important (drunken behavior/not calling or coming home) and let go of the rest of it.  Because if you bring up every little thing, he's going to feel like he didn't/can't do anything right to make you happy or live up to your expectations. 

MRDCle

Have you ever had a difficult discussion with your husband before? Letting it fester while you pretend everything is fine and dandy is not the way to go. 

Casadena

I've been re-reading these posts for days and I really really feel like this is getting blown way out of proportion.  In my opinion, I think the only thing H did wrong was not come home or call the night before the wedding.  Definitely something that is justified to get mad about.  Not necessarily that it happened, but that he didn't communicate with you and I definitely would have had words with him about it.

It's absolutely not fair to try and force anyone to "not drink a drop of alcohol" at their own wedding (or any event really).  Tell them how you feel, sure, but insisting and making them promise?  That's ridiculous. 

It seems to me that you are mad you had a big wedding in first place and are looking for reasons to continue to be mad about it.  Your in-laws did nothing wrong, and you only need 2 witnesses (not even, depending on which state you're in) to sign a marriage license and it seems way over the top to chase his parents around the hotel just so they could watch you sign your name. 

You're H getting drunk at the reception with his college buddies may be annoying, but I absolutely do not understand how this affected you so much that you sat in a corner crying all night and then passive-aggressively hinted at flowers and photographers to make up for it and then got madder when he didn't read your mind.  He may have embarrassed HIMSELF a little, but I just can't see getting so embarrassed and horrified that it ruined your whole perspective of your wedding day and honeymoon.  Even in your response you mentioned that your H, all his friend, and many of your friends had a great time. 

Also, you mention many times about the fact that it's YOUR day and YOUR wedding and what YOU envisioned for your wedding day.  But guess what, it's your H's wedding too!!!  But maybe a large party and celebrating with rap music and crazy dancing was what your H envisioned!  My H and I didn't spend much time together at all during our reception because we were focused on making sure our guests had a nice time and speaking to everyone.  We ate together and danced together a lot later in the evening, but also spent a lot of time with our respective friends and family.  I think it's a little ridiculous to get upset because he wasn't "putting you first" at the reception. 

I get the sense you're upset bc you didn't get exactly what you wanted - but have you thought about it from his perspective? Maybe he did! 

Tell him how you feel and what it will take to move on.  Agree with PP that getting drunk does not mean alcoholic or alcohol problem.  Therapy bc of the events you described seems an overreaction to me, but overall I don't think therapy would ever hurt a relationship.

Bottom line, COMMUNICATE. 

levioosa

When I first started dating FI, I had a lot of maladaptive behaviors that were the result of a previous long term and abusive relationship. One of those was expecting FI to know when I was upset, why I was upset, and how to fix it. In my last relationship, I actually started off with really good communication skills, but when it was ignored repeatedly I started to change to become more sullen and passive aggressive. Or I'd pretend everything was fine until I'd get really upset. Not healthy. When I started dating FI, I found myself repeating those patterns. I had to stop and consciously tell myself to communicate again. And guess what? When I stopped expecting FI to magically know what was in my mind, things got way better. He wasn't frustrated that my anger was coming out of the blue, and I wasn't frustrated because I felt like my concerns were being ignored. 

Previous to this, have you actually talked to your husband when you've had concerns/have been upset? Or is this a pattern you've had for awhile, and it's just blown up? I definitely think you need to talk to him about the events, and I think talking to a counselor is a good idea, but you have to let some of this go. For my FBIL's wedding, there are no family photos. FI's sister didn't show up to the wedding ceremony (she decided morning of to schedule a non-essential maintenance appointment at her apartment) and his brother decided on the fly not to go to the reception (no actual reason, just decided day of he didn't feel like it). Was that annoying? Sure. It was really rude. I expect something similar like that at our wedding. But I'm already letting it go and giving it a good eye roll because it's out of my control. People will act how they want to act. Your H's family dropped the ball. Okay. Let it go. Holding onto it is not helping anyone. 

knottienyc

This makes a lot of sense: "I just get the impression that you had a vision in your head of how things went and when his actions were incongruous with this vision in your mind it's led to unresolved feelings about the event as a whole."

That's definitely a big part of it. All the months of planning a fancy, sophisticated wedding led me to believe my groom was not going to be so drunk he wouldn't come home and then act like a frat boy and embarrass me at the reception. If that was the case we could have had a backyard BBQ wedding. It just set up the entire day on a terrible note, and when he promised not to drink and be on his best behavior, but then did/wasn't, it felt like it went even more downhill after an already bad start - double the disappointment.

So, yeah, it would have been nice if he did something on the honeymoon that made me feel special since the entire wedding ended up with him as the center of attention (it looked like his 21st bday more than a wedding), but at this point I just need a way to let go of the disappointment. That is actually what I want, it's just hard because I see brides saying how it's the "best day" of their lives and feeling so special, but I didn't. I could have left and he wouldn't have even noticed. I appreciate all of the comments helping me sort this out!

banana468

Here's the thing that I get and correct me if I'm wrong:

To YOU, a wedding in a hotel is a dignified affair without intoxicated guests, without rap music with explicit lyrics (what those lyrics are you still haven't said) and without a rowdy dance environment.

To YOU, a wedding needs to be a romantic affair with you being at the center of your husband's attention the entire time. 

You keep saying that he acted like a frat boy and yet some of the guests thought that they were having a good time.   

You talk like a hotel wedding can't possibly have those things and yet...yours did.   And somehow that doesn't mesh yet TONS of weddings are exactly as you have described. 

You seem to equate dancing around and being intoxicated with frat party.  And yet when asked for specifics you can't say how he was acting like a frat boy - just that he was dancing around and rapping.   But what song it was  you don't say.

And you say that you could have left and he would not have noticed.   Is that true?   Did you point blank ask him?  Did you have any other slow dances together or greet guests together or do anything together?   At any point in the reception did you use your words to tell him that you wanted to do things TOGETHER? 

I can't tell if you're not answering questions because you don't want to or you feel that they aren't necessary but I can tell you that if you're willfully omitting things from your H then you can't blame anyone but yourself here.   

I also can't tell if you made him promise or if he promised to you.   And again, all of this just tells me that neither of you talked about what you were expecting and now somehow you're mad at him for not reading your mind. 

LondonLisa

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

This makes a lot of sense: "I just get the impression that you had a vision in your head of how things went and when his actions were incongruous with this vision in your mind it's led to unresolved feelings about the event as a whole."

That's definitely a big part of it. All the months of planning a fancy, sophisticated wedding led me to believe my groom was not going to be so drunk he wouldn't come home and then act like a frat boy and embarrass me at the reception. If that was the case we could have had a backyard BBQ wedding. It just set up the entire day on a terrible note, and when he promised not to drink and be on his best behavior, but then did/wasn't, it felt like it went even more downhill after an already bad start - double the disappointment.

So, yeah, it would have been nice if he did something on the honeymoon that made me feel special since the entire wedding ended up with him as the center of attention (it looked like his 21st bday more than a wedding), but at this point I just need a way to let go of the disappointment. That is actually what I want, it's just hard because I see brides saying how it's the "best day" of their lives and feeling so special, but I didn't. I could have left and he wouldn't have even noticed. I appreciate all of the comments helping me sort this out!

No- the last thing you need to do is just get over it. You need to put your big girl panties on, talk to your Husband and actually say the words “you hurt me. I’m angry. I’m frustrated and we need to talk about this to move on.”

Because what you are talking about is not moving on, you are talking about surpressing feelings. This will just manifest itself in terrible ways. 

TALK TO HIM! 

charlotte989875

OP, would you have been as upset imwith his actions had the venue been a backyard BBQ and not, as you put it a fancy/expensive/sophisticated venue? 

thisismynickname2

I'm really sorry you're so disappointed. There is great advice above. My takeaway from the situation is that, well, you're trying to control him. So he passed out and left you worrying- that requires a huge apology but not a promise not to drink the rest of the wedding. Weddings are fun! My husband (and most of my guests) were drunk as skunks and we had a blast! I could see him thinking that you didn't want him drunk before vows, but once the party started... it started. 
Then, you're mad at him for having fun, really, and expecting him to read your mind and "make it up to you."  In my experience, keeping score and thinking one person has to "make it up" to the other just... doesn't work. Genuine apologies and forgiveness work.
Multiple posters have said and I concur- if things are not fine, don't say there are fine. 
You're at the point where the wedding was what it was and if you dwell on it, you're going to poison your marriage. Quit waiting for him to make it up to you. Express your sadness over not having the romantic day of your dreams. Hopefully the two of you will get your feelings out and move past this. 

knottienyc

If he told me he wanted a more casual, inexpensive venue (e.g. backyard barbecue) so that he could act wild I would have been able to say right then I'm not comfortable with that. He wanted something impressive and high end, so to me that implied a certain level of behavior from him That's where I felt duped.