Getting Over a "Bad" Wedding Day

knottienyc

Q--->You seem to equate dancing around and being intoxicated with frat party.  And yet when asked for specifics you can't say how he was acting like a frat boy - just that he was dancing around and rapping.   But what song it was  you don't say.
A: From my POV, for a 40-year-old man to rap pretty much any song with lyrics ranging from b-words to the never-acceptable n-word (as most sadly have, including this one) I'd say that's clearly not appropriate, especially when kids and coworkers are present.  

--->And you say that you could have left and he would not have noticed.   Is that true?   Did you point blank ask him?  Did you have any other slow dances together or greet guests together or do anything together?   At any point in the reception did you use your words to tell him that you wanted to do things TOGETHER? 
A: I don't think I should have to chase my husband on our wedding day to hang out with me. The way he behaved was his choice, and I found it inappropriate because he chose to be focused on partying with friends instead of his wife. If I wanted to crawl on the floor and be drunk and scream inappropriate rap songs I could have partied with them too, but that's not how I'd ever behave, especially in front of my family and his coworkers. 

Hope that explains it! Sorry if I missed other questions, just trying to read through it all.

banana468

Here's the thing:

1) How you equate his behavior with venue choice is your choice.   If you didn't say anything to him about what you thought he'd do I don't think you can blame him here.  I've seen weddings in fancy dancy places where the bride is singing Katy Perry's "Kissed A Girl" and the family priest managed to stay through the whole thing.   It wasn't a dry event either.

2) Your post above - From your POV.  Did you have a DJ?  Did the DJ play the songs or did your H grab the mic?   Was he rapping Kanye's Gold Digger?   

Have you talked to your H yet?  All of this just smacks of really poor communication in your relationship.

knottienyc

Q-->Previous to this, have you actually talked to your husband when you've had concerns/have been upset? Or is this a pattern you've had for awhile, and it's just blown up? I definitely think you need to talk to him about the events, and I think talking to a counselor is a good idea, but you have to let some of this go. 
We actually never had any big concerns or issues outside of the wedding so this was the first time we really didn't see eye to eye on something in a big way. Usually our disagreements are small and quick and he can see my POV, but for some reason the wedding was different, and I think it has a lot to do with his parents' influence (again, that's a whole new post!) and pushing him to defy what I wanted. Either way, the big underlying issue here is that I sort of always feared this might happen and asked him to promise he wouldn't get to that level of drunk, and he did in fact promise he wouldn't (a few other posters asked this). So to me, a promise is a promise and I would never break it. But I have started to get over it as time goes by.

knottienyc

To all: Thank you for your advice! I think I answered all the questions now and have gotten less angry about it as time has gone by.

banana468

There's something off in this though
-You feel like his parents have influence on his actions.
-You feel like his friends influence his actions.

You're Primo PISSED that you don't have the same influence.

I'm with you that if someone promises me something I expect them to hold that end of the deal but it almost sounds like he made what Mary Poppins calls a pie crust promise: easily made - easily broken.  

I'm not saying that you're the enemy here - but I am getting an impression that there are some clear boundaries that you two have that are going to go unresolved unless you talk to a counselor. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

Q-->Previous to this, have you actually talked to your husband when you've had concerns/have been upset? Or is this a pattern you've had for awhile, and it's just blown up? I definitely think you need to talk to him about the events, and I think talking to a counselor is a good idea, but you have to let some of this go. 
We actually never had any big concerns or issues outside of the wedding so this was the first time we really didn't see eye to eye on something in a big way. Usually our disagreements are small and quick and he can see my POV, but for some reason the wedding was different, and I think it has a lot to do with his parents' influence (again, that's a whole new post!) and pushing him to defy what I wanted. Either way, the big underlying issue here is that I sort of always feared this might happen and asked him to promise he wouldn't get to that level of drunk, and he did in fact promise he wouldn't (a few other posters asked this). So to me, a promise is a promise and I would never break it. But I have started to get over it as time goes by.

You usually resolve things by him seeing your POV, and that's it? Have you never had to see his POV before? That's a problem. And then, he defied you because of his parents. Doesn't he have any autonomy here at all? He's not a child!

You made the assumption that a nice place means a certain type of behavior, but as you've seen, that correlation doesn't apply to everyone. You have every right to be disappointed, but you're still upset at him for not reading your mind. That's never going to work. You have got to learn to communicate with him, instead of getting upset at him for not making the same assumptions you do. But you also are going to have to respect that sometimes you aren't always right. 

LondonLisa

knottie16eae4c3e8a5f5ec said:

To all: Thank you for your advice! I think I answered all the questions now and have gotten less angry about it as time has gone by.

This makes me so so so sad.

Your feelings are valid. It’s ok to feel disappointment at his behaviour. It’s ok to feel let down when your groom ignores you. Its ok to be resentful that he broke a promise.

What is 1000000% not ok is to just bury your feelings rather than saying out loud to your husband (!) “you made me sad and upset”. 

That is toxic people pleasing. And it’s a recipe for a miserable, resentful life. Please TALK to your husband. 

STARMOON44

You married him even though you know he likes to get drunk and inappropriate with his friends. You knew this about him and decided to do it anyway. Why? 

maine7mob

I think you need to let go of what happened and figure out how to make this marriage work going forward. By "let go," I don't mean pretend it didn't happen, but to sort out the issues that his behavior brings up, and to learn how to communicate your needs better.

Definitely begin seeing a therapist. I believe that it's useful for every married couple to have an occasional tune-up with a therapist, the way you go in for a physical check-up, but when the start of a marriage is as rocky as yours is, you should start right away.

Don't rehash the wedding. Yes, it was a downer, but you need to look forward. What do you expect from marriage? How do you view your roles? How can you serve each other better?

It won't help you to be bitter about something you can't change.

LD1970

Wait, I want to understand something - this song with the terrible lyrics, your DJ played it?  Did you discuss an appropriate playlist with your DJ before the wedding?  Because honestly, if rap in general, or even just "rap with questionable lyrics" was on a "do not play list" and your DJ played it anyway, you have an issue with your DJ.  And if it wasn't discussed or on a "do not play list," then you share some of the blame here for allowing it in the first place, knowing the age range of your guests.

That said, I was 38 and H was 30 when we got married at a VERY fancy, VERY formal venue.  One of my favorite moments - and resulting favorite photos - was when the DJ put on AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long," and my H slid, in his rented tux, on his knees into the middle of the dance floor, where he proceeded to play air guitar and headbang to the entire song.  The shot our photographer captured is of H on his knees playing air guitar, with me behind him, leaning over to my sister to say, "NOW it's my wedding!" before I went on to headbang myself through the whole song, singing it at the top of my lungs.  Off key.

No one keeled over.

charlotte989875

LD1970 said:

Wait, I want to understand something - this song with the terrible lyrics, your DJ played it?  Did you discuss an appropriate playlist with your DJ before the wedding?  Because honestly, if rap in general, or even just "rap with questionable lyrics" was on a "do not play list" and your DJ played it anyway, you have an issue with your DJ.  And if it wasn't discussed or on a "do not play list," then you share some of the blame here for allowing it in the first place, knowing the age range of your guests.

That said, I was 38 and H was 30 when we got married at a VERY fancy, VERY formal venue.  One of my favorite moments - and resulting favorite photos - was when the DJ put on AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long," and my H slid, in his rented tux, on his knees into the middle of the dance floor, where he proceeded to play air guitar and headbang to the entire song.  The shot our photographer captured is of H on his knees playing air guitar, with me behind him, leaning over to my sister to say, "NOW it's my wedding!" before I went on to headbang myself through the whole song, singing it at the top of my lungs.  Off key.

No one keeled over.

H’s brother, H’s cousin, his uncle & a few our our groomsmen took their shirts off and danced to “it’s raining men” with me at our black tie-esque  (as we had all the elements of black tie, but didn’t tell people what to wear) wedding. Then we went on the patio & Hs friends all dropped their pants and we have a photo of me + all of them in their boxers. 

If people were scandalized I didn’t hear about it. And my very conservative family probably laughed the loudest. 

Venue expense doesnt really have much to do with this IMO. 

ETF: typo 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

LD1970 said:

Wait, I want to understand something - this song with the terrible lyrics, your DJ played it?  Did you discuss an appropriate playlist with your DJ before the wedding?  Because honestly, if rap in general, or even just "rap with questionable lyrics" was on a "do not play list" and your DJ played it anyway, you have an issue with your DJ.  And if it wasn't discussed or on a "do not play list," then you share some of the blame here for allowing it in the first place, knowing the age range of your guests.

That said, I was 38 and H was 30 when we got married at a VERY fancy, VERY formal venue.  One of my favorite moments - and resulting favorite photos - was when the DJ put on AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long," and my H slid, in his rented tux, on his knees into the middle of the dance floor, where he proceeded to play air guitar and headbang to the entire song.  The shot our photographer captured is of H on his knees playing air guitar, with me behind him, leaning over to my sister to say, "NOW it's my wedding!" before I went on to headbang myself through the whole song, singing it at the top of my lungs.  Off key.

No one keeled over.

H’s brother, H’s cousin, his uncle & a few our our groomsmen took their shirts off and danced to “it’s raining men” at our black tie-sequel (as we had all the elements of black tie, but didn’t tell people what to wear) wedding. Then we went on the patio & Hs friends all dropped their pants and we have a photo of me + all of them in their boxers. 

If people were scandalized I didn’t hear about it. And my very conservative family probably laughed the loudest. 

Venue expense doesnt really have much to do with this IMO. 

Exactly.   We had kids at our wedding and I'm pretty sure Paradise by the Dashboard Lights, You Shook Me All Night Long at least a couple songs from Grease were on the playlist.  

I went to a different wedding that was in a high end location with at least cocktail attire and heard the DJ play "Strokin" by B&G request.   I managed to get over it. 

climbingsingle

Some of the wildest wedding receptions I've attended have been at high end venues. The classiness of the venue doesn't dictate the behavior of your guests. I guess I just really fail to see why you thought having your reception at a "fancy" place meant that no one would be drunk or acting crazy. 

Did your DJ play the song your H was rapping to? Were others really that bothered by what he did/said? 

Again, I think you and your H need to go to counseling.  

thisismynickname2

We specifically told our DJ to make the music sound like "an early 2000's frat party" with radio-edit versions. And the dance floor was full and people had a blast, because nothing gets 30-somethings going like Usher's "Yeah!".

I don't consider the groom rapping to be an issue here either, haha. 

VarunaTT