No uterus (or boobs), no opinion.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I plan to conceive in the next several months. My sister-in-law is pregnant, which has prompted some conversations with my husband about how to act once I get pregnant. His sister is very private about breastfeeding. With her first child, she essentially hid upstairs and no one, not even the child’s father, saw her do it. I’m not a particularly private person, and I think that breastfeeding in front of other people is not a big deal. My husband says he wouldn’t like it if I did that in front of his family or in public and wouldn’t go to a restaurant with me and a baby if he knew that I would have to breastfeed. Obviously, since I am not pregnant, this is more of a hypothetical problem we shouldn’t even be arguing about yet, but who’s right?

—Breastfeeding in Public

CharmedPam

it's hypothetical NOW but soon won't be.  You need to have that talk.  If she's private about it, great.  But LW isn't and that's her choice.  

baconsmom

She's right, of course, and her husband needs a smacking. Fuck's sake, asshole.

banana468

Husband's too ignorant for his own good.

Also, husband flat out doesn't get it.  Is his answer then to not go out at all? Because frankly that's the only option here. 

Wife needs to advise that should BF work for them that kids don't care how long its been since they last ate, they don't care if they're in public and they sure as shit don't care if Dad wants it to be private.   They will yell when they're hungry and stop when they're fed. 

LW's H sounds like someone who is not around a lot of kids.     He's going to need to start to understand what's involved in parenting.    

Casadena

I don't think you should be arguing about it at all. I fully believe he doesn't get even a tiny ounce of say in where or when you breastfeed. If it were me, I just wouldn't engage about it, and then when you do have a baby, feed it when and where you see fit. If others are uncomfortable that is their problem.

short+sassy

Is it too late to get an annulment?  Because that guy needs to STFU.

Dude, I know this might come a shock, but feeding babies is what women's breasts are FOR.  They aren't there just to sell beer, pick-up trucks, and magazines. 

ShesSoCold

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I plan to conceive in the next several months. My sister-in-law is pregnant, which has prompted some conversations with my husband about how to act once I get pregnant. His sister is very private about breastfeeding. With her first child, she essentially hid upstairs and no one, not even the child’s father, saw her do it. I’m not a particularly private person, and I think that breastfeeding in front of other people is not a big deal. My husband says he wouldn’t like it if I did that in front of his family or in public and wouldn’t go to a restaurant with me and a baby if he knew that I would have to breastfeed. Obviously, since I am not pregnant, this is more of a hypothetical problem we shouldn’t even be arguing about yet, but who’s right?

—Breastfeeding in Public

"Well, honey, then you are welcome to carry, give birth to and feed our baby."

Yeah, eff this guy. I'd probably be similar to SIL if I were ever in that situation, but that's up to me, as the woman. H can blow it right out his ass if he thinks he's going to tell me he's uncomfortable with it. 

baconsmom

@banana468, never leaving the house is the alternative. I couldn't bf in public - 40I boobs don't allow for that - and I was so. bored. until we stopped. 

So, yeah, apparently this dick wants a housebound spouse. 

levioosa

Well he can just stfu. 

banana468

baconsmom said:

@banana468, never leaving the house is the alternative. I couldn't bf in public - 40I boobs don't allow for that - and I was so. bored. until we stopped. 

So, yeah, apparently this dick wants a housebound spouse. 

I just sort of wonder what he actually thinks or if this guy is just not used to seeing it yet.

I have hardly any chest so that wasn't an issue for me but I would have just laughed at DH if it even came up.   

STARMOON44

banana468 said:

baconsmom said:

@banana468, never leaving the house is the alternative. I couldn't bf in public - 40I boobs don't allow for that - and I was so. bored. until we stopped. 

So, yeah, apparently this dick wants a housebound spouse. 

I just sort of wonder what he actually thinks or if this guy is just not used to seeing it yet.

I have hardly any chest so that wasn't an issue for me but I would have just laughed at DH if it even came up.   

You can breastfeed in public with any sized boobs! If you choose not to that’s totally up to you but you absolutely can.

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

baconsmom said:

@banana468, never leaving the house is the alternative. I couldn't bf in public - 40I boobs don't allow for that - and I was so. bored. until we stopped. 

So, yeah, apparently this dick wants a housebound spouse. 

I just sort of wonder what he actually thinks or if this guy is just not used to seeing it yet.

I have hardly any chest so that wasn't an issue for me but I would have just laughed at DH if it even came up.   

You can breastfeed in public with any sized boobs! If you choose not to that’s totally up to you but you absolutely can.

Agreed.   My comment was more to @baconsmom that my boob size wasn't an issue for NIP.   

6fsn

I was not comfortable nursing in public so I only did it twice- at a mall play area and church.  I did leave the house, but would find a private place if I needed it.  My husband did not care what I did. 

charlotte989875

Dude can eff right off. 

But seriously if a woman doesn’t want to BF in public, by all means you do you. But if she’s comfortable, he needs to support her. And not shame her for feeding her child. 

mrsconn23

LW's H is an ass if he follows through on sticking to this opinion and should support LW in what she wants/chooses to do with feeding hypothetical children.  However, this is very cart before horse.  

I also thought I would NIP like it was NBD.  But I had to use a nipple shield because I have the flattest nipples ever and then it felt like DefConn was trying to rip my nips off my body every time he nursed.  And the most comfortable nursing positions for him in the few times we did work it out, it left me rather exposed.  NIP would have been a 3 ring circus for me if we'd ever really gotten off the ground.  I ended up EPing for a few months and then went to formula. So LW needs to consider that it all could be a 'failure to launch' situation with nursing. 

My older sister was same as LW's SIL, ran away every time she had to nurse my nephews.  My SIL and DH's cousin's wife don't give two shits and nurse whenever and wherever they need to.  I did tell SIL (who's my BFF) that I was jealous of her nipples because they are like giant knobs, perfect for nursing a baby. 

Also, nursing isn't magical.  SIL who had zero issues with supply or latch with both babies, is over nursing.   She's thinking about quitting soon because she just wants her body back.  DefConn and I had a much better relationship once I stopped trying to nurse him because I wasn't stressed about how it was going to feel to feed him from my body.  

I think there are bigger things to worry about with raising children and LW and her H should talk about those things.  You BF for such a short span of time (even if you do extended BF-ing). 

banana468

Preach @mrsconn23!

Chiquita was a crappy nurser.   I pumped for 6 months and then wanted to stop because I felt like my new name was Bessy the Cow.

Chiquito was a boob dude.   I took a cover with me in the diaper bag or grabbed a muslin blanket and draped that over us when I was in public and cared who saw.   I had the best time in church that way because he just hung on for 20 minutes a side and that bought me only a few moments of whimpers. 

By the time he started to grow I learned tricks so I could NIP without the world seeing things.   It helped that I didn't have much to hang out to start with and then began to just work on doing what I could because *I* preferred to expose the least amount possible.

I just have to wonder if the LW is not married long, and if she and her H are in their mid 20s with not a lot of kids in their circle of friends so the H has zero clue what any of this entails.   I also envision him being shocked about pevic rest, no soft cheeses and the realization that poop at the beginning is liquid and often and usually up to the neck. 

NBSquared2017

BREASTS ARE FOR SUSTENANCE.

FFS it's not your kid's fault that people have sexualized them. Her husband is the worst. 

ei34

Who needs the disgusted looks from strangers in public when your own H is providing them right across the table?? Yikes. I’m all for both/all parents being involved, but this is one of those choices that’s totally LW’s.  
I ugly cried earlier today dropping my kids off for their first day of preschool and PreK and had a brief longing for the baby days, but the BF nonsense of this letter just slapped me back to being glad those days are behind me.  For something that’s supposedly this natural thing, sooo many people had opinions 

flantastic

I BF anywhere and everywhere, usually at least mostly covered. But not at home. Boob was just out.

In the time frame of hospital and home after, my dad was often around. I'm pretty sure it made him uncomfortable, which I can totally understand. So he left the room when my boob was out.

I think that's the appropriate response from him. I'd have been having a come-to-Jesus if DH couldn't handle it. Your baby, my boob, none of this is new to you, deal with it.

VarunaTT

I'll lay it out there that I'm uncomfortable seeing boob while breastfeeding.  HOWEVER, I just freaking deal with it b/c that's my thing and go about my business, just like they are theirs.

*remembers when Careann got all butthurt b/c I admitted this and yelled at me to look away, which I responded I did -- wonder if she's stolen anything from Baby Gap recently* 

ShesSoCold

VarunaTT said:

I'll lay it out there that I'm uncomfortable seeing boob while breastfeeding.  HOWEVER, I just freaking deal with it b/c that's my thing and go about my business, just like they are theirs.

*remembers when Careann got all butthurt b/c I admitted this and yelled at me to look away, which I responded I did -- wonder if she's stolen anything from Baby Gap recently* 

STUCK

THANK YOU! Me too. But I absolutely recognize it as MY issue and I move on with my life because it's no one's problem but my own. 

Just like I am uncomfortable seeing some people wearing sandals. Not their problem that I'm weird. 

ILoveBeachMusic

Totally up to LW and her H needs to get over it. DD hasn't figured out how to BF the twins in public b/c she tandem feeds them and can't figure out how to modestly do so. At home she just hangs 'em out but realizes she would be uncomfortable doing so in a public place. She also knows she would be uncomfortable in front of some people but not others ie she isn't uncomfortable in front of her dad but is in front of her FIL.

ernursej

I would encourage LW to play a game with hubby. He eats all his meals under a blanket or away from others for a week (including office). I'm sure that he will come to understand that it isn't right and therefore there is no problem with breastfeeding in public.

MairePoppy

That future dad needs to get a grip on reality. 

Years ago, my cousin  came to a party at my house with their baby daughter. Cousin was discretely nursing the baby with a blanket covering. My daughter's boyfriend (high school aged) arrived and she introduced him to the cousin. He asked the baby's name and then peeked under the blanket to introduce himself to baby.The look on his face was priceless. 

baconsmom

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

baconsmom said:

@banana468, never leaving the house is the alternative. I couldn't bf in public - 40I boobs don't allow for that - and I was so. bored. until we stopped. 

So, yeah, apparently this dick wants a housebound spouse. 

I just sort of wonder what he actually thinks or if this guy is just not used to seeing it yet.

I have hardly any chest so that wasn't an issue for me but I would have just laughed at DH if it even came up.   

You can breastfeed in public with any sized boobs! If you choose not to that’s totally up to you but you absolutely can.

Agreed.   My comment was more to @baconsmom that my boob size wasn't an issue for NIP.   

I couldn't, no. There is no way to move that amount of flesh around under a blanket or whatever, and I didn't like to flash strangers my whole entire tit. 

I fed at home in front of family and stuff just fine. But I would literally be "whipping it out" in public. Not my style. And none of the 2 nursing bras I found actually fit, either, so...yeah. Oh, and I could only feed her football style if I wanted to have one hand and her not suffocate, which was also not possible in public unless I traveled everywhere with two or three pillows. 

BFing was hard. I always tell people they can quit. I hated every second of it (not just because of big tits), and I wish I had just gone with formula. But! That doesn't mean no one gets to do it in public! 

STARMOON44

baconsmom said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

baconsmom said:

@banana468, never leaving the house is the alternative. I couldn't bf in public - 40I boobs don't allow for that - and I was so. bored. until we stopped. 

So, yeah, apparently this dick wants a housebound spouse. 

I just sort of wonder what he actually thinks or if this guy is just not used to seeing it yet.

I have hardly any chest so that wasn't an issue for me but I would have just laughed at DH if it even came up.   

You can breastfeed in public with any sized boobs! If you choose not to that’s totally up to you but you absolutely can.

Agreed.   My comment was more to @baconsmom that my boob size wasn't an issue for NIP.   

I couldn't, no. There is no way to move that amount of flesh around under a blanket or whatever, and I didn't like to flash strangers my whole entire tit. 

I fed at home in front of family and stuff just fine. But I would literally be "whipping it out" in public. Not my style. And none of the 2 nursing bras I found actually fit, either, so...yeah. Oh, and I could only feed her football style if I wanted to have one hand and her not suffocate, which was also not possible in public unless I traveled everywhere with two or three pillows. 

BFing was hard. I always tell people they can quit. I hated every second of it (not just because of big tits), and I wish I had just gone with formula. But! That doesn't mean no one gets to do it in public! 

Yeah my point was just that you can just whip it all out in public. Complyunderstand that you may not have wanted to! Just pointing out that just because you’re showing more boob to a passerby than an A cup doesn’t give you any less right to breastfeed wherevee you want. If you want to at all. 

MesmrEwe

There's a balance...  Going full frontal at the Thanksgiving Dinner Table and loudly proclaiming "(child's name) DON'T BITE ME!"..  SNS - inappropriate (Yes - had a family member do this ISYN)...  Sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table discreetly feeding the little one that unless someone looked incredibly close, NBD...  There's a balance...

But also, LW doesn't know if latching is going to work out and this is a hypothetical discussion (this is one of those things that one only finds out after baby is born).  Lots of Moms have that issue where they just don't produce enough milk no matter what they do nor how long they latch/pump, or colicy baby, baby with food sensitivities, complication, etc.  

And really, the time may come and they decide to FF - "Fed is best!" is what needs to be the attitude...

thisismynickname2

I'm not about to jump all over this guy and call him an asshole over this. He just sounds uninformed or that he's just not been exposed to people in his family or social circle that have breastfed. 
Hell, DH was never around his close friends when they had tiny babies (and I know those women didn't nurse past 2-3 months anyway). He had no tiny cousins. Until me, he was just never around breastfeeding. His reaction to seeing a couple women on the train do it was a simple, "Huh. I just saw boobs."

LW needs to educate her husband. 
In my home, my parents' home, and even my sister's home, I nursed around my family.  I'd say "avert your eyes!" until me and the baby were settled. Always wore nursing shirts with coverage. At my in-laws' or anywhere else, I'd retreat to a private area. In public, DH or whoever was with me would assist me in holding up a blanket so I could get settled and then cover us (DD was fine with being covered). 

The fact is if LW is going to nurse at all, she's in for a very lonely existence if her husband doesn't want her to do it around anyone else. He has no idea, clearly, how often babies need to be fed. He needs to be educated about this and modesty options available. And if the future baby rejects all the mom's efforts to be modest, well, too bad for everyone else- baby needs boob. 

And I should add, my arrangements were what *I* felt comfortable with. DH never voiced a single opinion about it. In fact, he invented using the word boob as a verb too. Fun times. I lasted a year "boobing the baby" with his support. 

holyguacamole79

charlotte989875

holyguacamole79 said:

I was all ready to be like “@holyguacamole79 I’m surprised you’d post that”. I knew better

mrsconn23

holyguacamole79 said:

OMG SHOES ON FOOD SURFACES IS THE WORST!  Second place is shoes on the bed.