International Invites

knottie805dc4e958c66f73

Hi there! I'm a long time lurker and first time poster--for months I have been learning so much from the wonderful advice on these boards. You have already prevented me from making etiquette blunders and I am extremely grateful and eager for more direction.

We are getting ready to send out save the dates. I am inviting some friends that I made while in grad school in the UK (I'm in the northwest US). Some of them now have partners that they got together with after I moved back, and I have not met them. I of course want to extend an invitation to their partners as well, and I'm wondering if it is appropriate to put the name of my friend and their partner on one STD and send it to the friend's address, even if they do not live together. Or is it more appropriate to find out the partner's address and send a STD directly to them, although they will be getting international mail from a person they have never met?

I would really appreciate some guidance on what is most appropriate in this situation, and making sure that the partners feel included. (As a side note, I also like the idea of sending one STD to both to save a little on international shipping costs, but we'll certainly do what's polite and etiquette-approved.)

Thanks, hit me with your knowledge!

ILoveBeachMusic

For STDs I would send it addressed to both at the same address. Remember though, you don't have to send STDs and only send them to people you know you want to/must invite. For invitations, the etiquette approved way is to send separate invitations; however, DD sent invitations addressed to two people who weren't living together if she didn't know the SO. I don't think it is that big of a deal to be honest.

ernursej

Agree with @ILoveBeachMusic We did the same thing for the couple of invites. We sent them to one address. I asked two of the friends what they would prefer and they both said send one addressed to both people but send to the address of the person I knew. They also indicated that their significant other would likely not even know what to do with it (sigh) but that is another issue all together!

knottie805dc4e958c66f73

Thank you both! I had the same thought that it wasn't too big of a deal but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to accidentally offend someone. We're mostly having STDs because we have quite a lot of people who have to fly from very far away and we're in a small city with limited accommodation options.

As always, I appreciate the advice given on this board and I'm sure I'll have more questions as things progress, its wonderful to know there's a place to ask people who are going through this and have gone through it and are so familiar with the proper and appropriate way to do things--these were definitely not things learned in my family or my circle so I'm going to break the cycle of breaking etiquette.

ernursej

knottie805dc4e958c66f73 said:

Thank you both! I had the same thought that it wasn't too big of a deal but wanted to make sure I wasn't going to accidentally offend someone. We're mostly having STDs because we have quite a lot of people who have to fly from very far away and we're in a small city with limited accommodation options.

As always, I appreciate the advice given on this board and I'm sure I'll have more questions as things progress, its wonderful to know there's a place to ask people who are going through this and have gone through it and are so familiar with the proper and appropriate way to do things--these were definitely not things learned in my family or my circle so I'm going to break the cycle of breaking etiquette.

I'm sure there are a few people that would side eye invites going to the same address when they don't live together so if you feel like someone you are sending to might be that way, err on the side of caution and send two. Of all the etiquette blunders, I feel like this is a small one that most wouldn't even consider a blunder.

MairePoppy

ernursej said:

I'm sure there are a few people that would side eye invites going to the same address when they don't live together so if you feel like someone you are sending to might be that way, err on the side of caution and send two. Of all the etiquette blunders, I feel like this is a small one that most wouldn't even consider a blunder.

The traditional way would be to get the name and address of the new s/o and send the invitations to each partner. But STDs aren't traditional. And if the couple breaks up before the invitations are sent, you wouldn't invite the ex s/o, right? So that doesn't seem quite right. So send one invitation to the person that you know. You could add the partner's name to envelope. But enursej has a point. It would have once been improper to put the non-cohabiting s/o's name on the outside envelope, lest you embarrass the letter carrier. You could enclose a note with the STD saying 'You're invited to bring Ozzy with you to the wedding. We look forward to meeting him.' Then your friends will know that they may make travel arrangements for two.

ahoywedding

MairePoppy said:

ernursej said:

I'm sure there are a few people that would side eye invites going to the same address when they don't live together so if you feel like someone you are sending to might be that way, err on the side of caution and send two. Of all the etiquette blunders, I feel like this is a small one that most wouldn't even consider a blunder.

The traditional way would be to get the name and address of the new s/o and send the invitations to each partner. But STDs aren't traditional. And if the couple breaks up before the invitations are sent, you wouldn't invite the ex s/o, right? So that doesn't seem quite right. So send one invitation to the person that you know. You could add the partner's name to envelope. But enursej has a point. It would have once been improper to put the non-cohabiting s/o's name on the outside envelope, lest you embarrass the letter carrier. You could enclose a note with the STD saying 'You're invited to bring Ozzy with you to the wedding. We look forward to meeting him.' Then your friends will know that they may make travel arrangements for two.

This was our exact reasoning. We listed both people on one STD and one invite because it seemed silly to send a separate invite to the person we didn't totally know. What if they got theirs before our friend or family member? They'd be like what the heck, who are these people? Also, if they consider themselves a social unit, it seems odd to invite them separately; almost like you're splitting up the social unit.

If you do know there are people who may be offended (maybe they don't live together for religious reasons or something), it wouldn't hurt to just ask how they'd prefer to be invited. It likely wouldn't be too many people, so it shouldn't be too cumbersome to send a quick text or email and ask what they'd prefer. 

maine7mob

A warning about STDs going to non-American guests: they may not know what they are! We had several people who assumed ours were the actual invitation and they were very confused, since they didn't contain all the info that an invitation would normally contain. So it may be better not to send them, or to have a small line reading something like "Invitation to follow" or "Be on the lookout for our invitation" just to clarify things for your British or European guests.

These really aren't a thing in other countries, and even in the US, people don't always realize that they are save the dates, not invitations.