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Wedding Woes

Tell him ASAP and just be honest.

Dear Prudence,

My childhood was very rough, and I spent it bouncing through foster care and various relatives. My parents were horrible. I was abandoned in a parking lot as a child, and my parents interfered with the one nice set of foster parents who wanted to adopt me because they were Jewish. I cut ties with them when I was 19 and have not spoken to any of my blood relatives for a decade. I am doing well—got an education, own my own car, and work as a bakery manager. My problem is that for years I have told people that my parents are dead, including people who have become close friends. It was easier and quicker than dragging out my past and enduring repeated conversations about forgiveness and filial duty. Now “Matt” and I are dating after knowing each other for a few years. He thinks my parents are dead—but they actually live in Florida. He knows I had a rough childhood but not how bad it was. I know I need to tell him, but I am afraid it might change how he sees me. Matt is close with his family. How do I do this the right way?

—Not Dead, Just Dead to Me

Re: Tell him ASAP and just be honest.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Just tell him. Tell him why you weren't honest before and if he's a good person, he'll be okay with it. Dishonestly isn't a lie to me if it protects the person being dishonest and has no affect on others. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • If Matt is someone that LW sees as going long term then it may be helpful to start off by letting him in on some of the LW's past so he can also empathize with what's going on.  

    Once those details are shared s/he can say that her parents are dead to her and she has no desire to look them up, know how they're doing or to see them again.   

    This isn't the worst lie in the world IMO when its used as a method of coping.   I think the larger issue is that if she thinks her past is affecting her current state she should open up about it to those she wants to intimately include. 
  • Agree with PPs. LW should explain to him just as they did for Prudie. ‘When I said dead, I meant dead to me...’
  • I agree LW doesn’t HAVE to tell him, but it sounds like they want to. If that’s the case you don’t have to say it all at once, but if you want to get it all out there, then just be honest. Tell the facts, say that you don’t see them and you never have no intentions of ever seeing them again. Give as many or as few details as you want. If Matt is a good person he’ll understand why you didn’t share the full story before now.  
  • Most certainly the LW doesn't have to if he/she doesn't want to.  But it sounds like the LW is now at a point where she wants Matt to know more about the past.

    I would hope that Matt doesn't even need to have it explained as to why this "lie" happened.  I'd think the LW could even phrase it something like, "This is something that is hard for me to share.  But I wanted to let you know that my bio parents are still alive.  They really didn't raise me and I don't consider them my parents.  Quite frankly, I didn't have parents other than temporary foster parents, so it's easier for me to cope with those questions to just tell people my parents are dead instead of getting into all of that."

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