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Wedding Woes

If she doesn't like the option, she can get a hotel. (Also maybe some grief counseling, LW.)

Dear Prudence,

My father died last year after a long illness, and my mother immediately moved on to a new beau. It was hard to see, but my sister and I acknowledge that our mother did much of her grieving before our father died. My sister is hosting Thanksgiving this year. Her in-laws are staying over, so my mother and her new boyfriend are staying with me. My guest room has twin beds. This is “unacceptable” for adults—my mother is demanding she get my room. The thought of my mother having sex with her boyfriend in my bed makes me want to vomit. I don’t want to be the one responsible for ruining the holiday here. I am the only one still grieving for my dad. Sometimes I stop and cry because something reminds me of him. My sister is focused on her family, while my mother has been constantly traveling with her new boyfriend. I don’t want to be the drag, but I can’t deal with this. Why is my guest room not acceptable? Can you help me?

—Sleeping Arrangements

Re: If she doesn't like the option, she can get a hotel. (Also maybe some grief counseling, LW.)

  • I agree with all y’all. Sleeping in someone else’s bed is weird, whether they are in mine or I am in theirs, especially if they are still there! The only time I will accept someone else’s bed is if it is my sister because her bed is seriously the most comfortable bed on the planet. I love it so much. 
    mrsconn23ahoyweddingcharlotte989875
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Dh’s grandmother lived with the in-laws before she passed. The night she died sil stayed over and was trying to sleep on the couch. Sfil (her dad) offered her the bed in the guest room so his tv watching wouldn’t bother her. Sil replied “you mean the bed grandma died in this morning? Um, I’m going to pass on that.”
    mrsconn23eileenrob
  • banana468 said:
    I think the LW needs her jump to conclusions mat here.  Sleeping in someone's home =/= sex in it. 

    Mom is out of line though.   A simple, "Mom if you don't like the proposed arrangements then let me get you the number of the local Hilton," is fine.

    If I was to give up my room for someone there better be a damn good reason for it.   And this isn't it. 

     
    All of this. Times 1,000. 
    eileenrob
  • 6fsn said:
    Dh’s grandmother lived with the in-laws before she passed. The night she died sil stayed over and was trying to sleep on the couch. Sfil (her dad) offered her the bed in the guest room so his tv watching wouldn’t bother her. Sil replied “you mean the bed grandma died in this morning? Um, I’m going to pass on that.”
    OK that wins.  
    mrsconn23eileenrobOliveOilsMom
  • It is almost the same problem of the person who lives in a beachside resort town and her sister got pissy because it was twin beds and not a Queen in the guest room.

    The only thing I would caution the LW about is to not even bring up that it "icks" her to think of her mom and the b/f, sleeping in her bed.  Because then it becomes about the LW's "ick" and disapproval, which is a red herring.  It's totally reasonable to just say, "No, I sleep in my own bed, in my own house."  Live with it.  Or bring a queen air mattress.  Or get a hotel.  Or, if the LW is willing, the mom can replace the twin beds with a Queen mattress...at her own cost.  It would probably be even cheaper than a hotel room for a few days.

    I'd also point out to Mom that part of being an adult is being able to roll with the punches when things aren't optimal.  As someone who was displaced from a natural disaster and my H and I spent two months having to sleep in two different twin beds, I find her "high horse" attitude about a slight inconvenience for a few days especially petty.  There are a lot of people in CA right now who would love to have twin beds, or any beds to sleep in, so she can seriously just STFU.

    I don't mean to come off harsh.  It's also perfectly fine for the Mom to decide that she and her b/f don't want to have even one night where they sleep in different beds.  But then the proper response is, "Thanks for much for the offer, LW!  But B/F and I wouldn't like sleeping apart in twin beds and will stay in a hotel instead."

    Exactly.   If the two twins can't be pushed together then LW needs to handle this situation and leave the deceased parent out of it.

    "Mom as you know, you raised me not to dictate the terms of a sleeping arrangement to the hostess.   My bed is not up for grabs and you and your beau are welcome to sleep in that room.   If that doesn't work for you then I'll have the coffee brewed when you and Sheldon come in from the hotel." 

    Grief sucks and the holidays don't help.   That others aren't talking about it also does not mean that they don't feel it.  LW needs to either seek therapy or a different outlet so she can converse about her sadness and come up with methods to cope.  
    ahoyweddingMesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    "Sorry, Mom, but my bed is not available. The only beds I have available for guests are the twin beds. If that's not acceptable to you, the only alternative is that you stay somewhere else. End of conversation."
    ernursej
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Or mom and the bf can both sleep in one of the twins! I've done that with H, and my parents have done it as well. It's only for a few days. H and I did it for months. Now if either of them is a very large person, that might not work. Neither H and I nor my parents are overweight. In which case, ditto PPs and Prudie. 

    MesmrEwe
  • Or mom and the bf can both sleep in one of the twins! I've done that with H, and my parents have done it as well. It's only for a few days. H and I did it for months. Now if either of them is a very large person, that might not work. Neither H and I nor my parents are overweight. In which case, ditto PPs and Prudie. 
    Hello 69... There's a way for both to fit if they're overweight - JS...

    Yea - SNS - LW needs to exercise some adulthood and as PP mentioned "Recommending a hotel is not being the bad guy if the sleeping arrangements at your place are unacceptable by the guest!"...  OR - Mom - if you don't like the guest room sleeping arrangements offer to purchase a bunk bed with a lower queen size mattress for daughter for Christmas or stay at the local hotel like the rest of the world would do...
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