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Wedding Woes

Keep saying you don't want/need her help. And share no details with them.

Dear Prudence,

I have a cousin who’s something of a mean girl. We’re the same age, and most of her comments to me seem competitive or jealous or both. I usually just avoid her, but recently I got engaged. She used to work for a wedding planner before she had a baby. Now she’s decided that she’s going to help me with my wedding. I’ve both politely and bluntly made excuses for why I don’t want her help, but my aunts have all decided this is great and dismiss every excuse I make. She’s already started with some nasty commentary regardless (apparently, she thinks my fiancé is ugly). Is there a way to shut this down entirely without saying, “I don’t want to deal with you because you’re obnoxious”?

—Wedding Planner–Zilla

Re: Keep saying you don't want/need her help. And share no details with them.

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod
    I don't understand why LW has to do anything here. I'm assuming these people are just talking and if LW simply doesn't engage, the cousin won't know what's going on to try to help. If no one knows where/when your appointments are, they can't crash. If no one knows any details, they can't judge or involve themselves. 

    I would just keep saying "No, thank you!'" every time it comes up. And quietly plan my wedding. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    OliveOilsMomeileenrobcharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    "As I have said before, we do not want your assistance to plan our wedding.  This is something that FI and I want to do together and alone.  Thanks for thinking of us though."

    If Aunt bring it up, just change the subject!

    eileenrobInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited February 7
    I find this so stupid, and also that there has to be more to the story.  Has this cousin planned everyone else's wedding in the family?  Do the aunts harbor some notion that LW and cousin are BFF's or something?  How often are they all seeing each other that this is really a big issue?  Because LW can, you know, not answer the phone/respond to messages or not go around their extended family if they're going to be all up in her business with this shit.  That's where LW should start.  And if LW wants to post shit on social media about wedding planning and doesn't want them to see it, she can edit a post's audience.  So there's plenty that can be done, since LW has stated her wishes and been ignored. 

    Plus, where are LW's parents in this? 

    I have an overbearing aunt (dad's sister) who tries to tell my parents that they can dictate to us what to do, and my mom shuts her shit down all the time that we're adults with our own families and plans and no, she cannot compel (nor does she want to) us to drop our lives to do what my aunt wants us to.   
    eileenrobcharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • Can this cousin not take a hint, or is the problem that she is so arrogant that when LW says no, she is thinking "she doesn't know what's good for her so I'll do this anyway"?  I find that very condescending.  
    I think LW should just keep saying "no".  My MIL wanted to do a tonne of stuff in my wedding.  Still got her claws in for some areas, but for the most part we just didn't tell her anything and did our thing.  And she probably HATED my wedding because it wasn't what she was thinking, but doesn't matter.  LW's cousin will probably trash talk the wedding because she didn't get to do what she wanted, but it really doesn't matter as long as the couple is happy and the guests are taken care of.
    imageimage
    charlotte989875
  • Literally stop talking about the wedding. To anyone (except those persons who are paying). This doesn’t need to include the entire extended family, and by the sounds of it definitely shouldn’t!
    OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • Like @mrsconn23 I can’t imagine that there not being lots of other factors going on that LW can’t just keep them out of the discussion.  How are they even weighing in? Just don’t discuss it with them.  
    mrsconn23
  • I honestly don't understand shit like this.  Maybe because I didn't grow up around extended family (thank god) and honestly couldn't pick my cousins out of a lineup but why do her aunts and cousin have so much power over the LW?   Don't take their calls, don't talk to them, just stop giving them head space and power.  Grown ass adults don't have to put up with this if they don't want to. 

    short+sassymrsconn23
  • I honestly don't understand shit like this.  Maybe because I didn't grow up around extended family (thank god) and honestly couldn't pick my cousins out of a lineup but why do her aunts and cousin have so much power over the LW?   Don't take their calls, don't talk to them, just stop giving them head space and power.  Grown ass adults don't have to put up with this if they don't want to. 
    I grew up around some extended family (dad's side, for the most part. Grandma's Sunday dinners were our jam.) and would still be all, "Um WTF?" about an aunt trying to dictate my wedding.  I really, really don't get people who let extended family impact them this way.  
    charlotte989875STARMOON44
  • Seriously, stop talking to them about it. I don’t understand how people get themselves into these situations.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I can understand the drama with an extended family like this. Even if you don’t play into it it’s still exhausting. Case in point, ever since I got engaged my aunt has been asking me for a wedding date so she can throw a shower. When I mentioned I’m trying to get FI on board with city hall and so would forgo a shower she insisted on throwing one anyways. I’ve told her numerous times we haven’t decided on plans yet. I never bring up the engagement or wedding (that we haven’t even started to marginally plan). I’m also graduating this year and she is insisting I have a big party. I don’t want/need a big party. It’s almost unfathomable to her I wouldn’t want one. I’m not going to let something happen that I don’t want to do, but it gets exhausting fielding the questions all the time. 


    image
    short+sassycharlotte989875
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