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Wedding Party

Childhood Friend Not Bridesmaid

A little backstory...my childhood friend who I was close to for the first 18 years of our lives, who now I am not as close to, has recently had a baby within the last year. I’ve done everything I can afford to do as a college student to help her out since she’s a single mother and that’s what friends do. Lately she’s been very ungrateful for the things I’ve been doing for her, so I’ve stopped doing them. A couple months went by and she asked me to pick up something for her since I live in a larger town with access to more things. She then commented on how I haven’t been acting the same so I explained everything that’s been bothering me; the lack of appreciation I’ve felt, the rudeness towards others on social media, the lack of motivation to help herself, the constant excuses on why she can’t get a certain job or pursue online school...the list is endless. Anyways, I decided quite some time ago that I wasn’t going to ask her to be a bridesmaid and I think she expects to be, and likely to be the maid of honor. I don’t think she understands the role that person plays and just how much of a commitment it is, but that aside I don’t know how to tell her she’s invited to the wedding, but not in it. I think she also expects her baby to be involved who will only be 2.5 years old by the time we get married. I don’t want to have someone in the wedding I’m not  close with now just for the sentimental reason that we were friends so long ago. What should I do?

Re: Childhood Friend Not Bridesmaid

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod
    A little backstory...my childhood friend who I was close to for the first 18 years of our lives, who now I am not as close to, has recently had a baby within the last year. I’ve done everything I can afford to do as a college student to help her out since she’s a single mother and that’s what friends do. Lately she’s been very ungrateful for the things I’ve been doing for her, so I’ve stopped doing them. A couple months went by and she asked me to pick up something for her since I live in a larger town with access to more things. She then commented on how I haven’t been acting the same so I explained everything that’s been bothering me; the lack of appreciation I’ve felt, the rudeness towards others on social media, the lack of motivation to help herself, the constant excuses on why she can’t get a certain job or pursue online school...the list is endless. Anyways, I decided quite some time ago that I wasn’t going to ask her to be a bridesmaid and I think she expects to be, and likely to be the maid of honor. I don’t think she understands the role that person plays and just how much of a commitment it is, but that aside I don’t know how to tell her she’s invited to the wedding, but not in it. I think she also expects her baby to be involved who will only be 2.5 years old by the time we get married. I don’t want to have someone in the wedding I’m not  close with now just for the sentimental reason that we were friends so long ago. What should I do?
    There is nothing wrong with not wanting a distant friend in your weddings party and there's nothing wrong with a friendship running its course and fizzling, so you are fine not to ask her to be a bridesmaid. But it would be rude of you to just up and tell her "Oh hey BTW, I don't want you in my bridal party" so for now, do nothing. Say nothing to her about your wedding and just carry on as normal. If she asks, you can answer honestly that you're not as close as you'd been.

    What is not okay, though, is expecting any additional "roles" or "commitment" from your bridal party, outside of standing next to you at your wedding in attire you've agreed on. What roles and commitments are you referring to here with the bolded? 

    There is no shower or bachelorette or DIY help requirement for a MOH or bridesmaids. Being a bridesmaid is a way for a bride to honor her closest friends and family, not a summons for a mandatory volunteer position. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    eileenrobInLoveInQueensshort+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    A little backstory...my childhood friend who I was close to for the first 18 years of our lives, who now I am not as close to, has recently had a baby within the last year. I’ve done everything I can afford to do as a college student to help her out since she’s a single mother and that’s what friends do. Lately she’s been very ungrateful for the things I’ve been doing for her, so I’ve stopped doing them. A couple months went by and she asked me to pick up something for her since I live in a larger town with access to more things. She then commented on how I haven’t been acting the same so I explained everything that’s been bothering me; the lack of appreciation I’ve felt, the rudeness towards others on social media, the lack of motivation to help herself, the constant excuses on why she can’t get a certain job or pursue online school...the list is endless. Anyways, I decided quite some time ago that I wasn’t going to ask her to be a bridesmaid and I think she expects to be, and likely to be the maid of honor. I don’t think she understands the role that person plays and just how much of a commitment it is, but that aside I don’t know how to tell her she’s invited to the wedding, but not in it. I think she also expects her baby to be involved who will only be 2.5 years old by the time we get married. I don’t want to have someone in the wedding I’m not  close with now just for the sentimental reason that we were friends so long ago. What should I do?
    It's fine to not choose her to be in  your wedding. It sounds like you're not close anymore. What's not OK is to expect your bridesmaids or MOH to fill some kind of role. It's not a job. They only responsibility they have is to show up the day of the wedding, in the dress/outfit you've chosen. There's no other commitment. 

    Also, you sound pretty judgmental of your friend, even questioning why she can't go to school or get a certain job. I don't really see how that's any of your business, and maybe, I don't know, it's hard to raise a child and be a single mom? Why are you friends with her, if you clearly don't like her? If you did confront her with all of this, and you're not close, why do you think she's assuming she's going to be in your wedding?

    InLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • downtondivadowntondiva
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited February 12
    Being a bridesmaid should not be that big of a commitment. The only thing they are obligated to do is show up at the wedding in the agreed upon attire. Everything else (showers, helping with DIY stuff, etc.) depends on the time, money, and desire they have to be further involved and should not automatically be expected. I say all that just so you keep it in mind when choosing the people that you do want in your wedding party; it should be about who you are close to and want next to you at this important moment in your life, not who you think will do the most for you during wedding planning. 

    As for this friend, you are under no obligation to include her as a bridesmaid. If you don't feel close to her anymore and feel she's taken advantage of you, that is reason enough. 

    Don't say anything to her about the wedding until she brings it up, but have a polite answer ready for if/when she does. 


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    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • If your friend has a baby right now and that baby will be 2.5 at your wedding, it’s a bit too soon to be thinking about (and certainly too soon to be discussing!) guest list and who’s going to be in the BP.

    It’s fine for friendships to fizzle out.  Being ungrateful (her) and judgy (you) isn’t okay.  Definitely keep the lines of communication open if this friendship is one you want to salvage.  And ditto PP all any potential MOH/BM has to do is show up at your ceremony, on time, in the agreed upon attire. Unless you’re planning a DW, being a member of your BP shouldn’t be this huge commitment.
    InLoveInQueensshort+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • You don't have to do anything right now. When you've set your date, send her a STD (if you're doing those), then follow it up with an invitation to your wedding. Period. It will be clear to her that she is invited as a guest, not as a member of the WP.

    My daughter had a friend who probably expected to be in her WP, but D just sent her an invite (with a plus one) and she showed up as a guest. Everything was fine. They're still friends.


    MesmrEweOurWildKingdom
  • You made your choice, stop beating yourself up about it... 

    Also - what maine7mob said:
    You don't have to do anything right now. When you've set your date, send her a STD (if you're doing those), then follow it up with an invitation to your wedding. Period. It will be clear to her that she is invited as a guest, not as a member of the WP.

    My daughter had a friend who probably expected to be in her WP, but D just sent her an invite (with a plus one) and she showed up as a guest. Everything was fine. They're still friends.



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