Oh girl, you need more than Prudie for this mess.

cupcait927

VarunaTT said:

It's not her anger that's surprising.  It's her complete lack of introspection and/or questions about why.  It seems very surface level of angry to me.  And then, BAM, here are the rules and everything should be fine.  And then she comes across as what...surprised, I guess, that it's not, that she has questions.  But never once is the question how, why, what happened, etc. and I find that odd.

Granted, it's a Prudie letter, so we don't get everything.  

When you're in that situation, you don't want to think that something's wrong. I sure as hell know that I didn't. I just wanted it to stop and go away. There clearly is something going on with her husband, but you get to a point where you are so overwhelmed that you can't handle another challenge. I think it's completely unfair to say that she isn't acting the way that you (general you) think she should be acting. 

charlotte989875

cupcait927 said:

VarunaTT said:

It's not her anger that's surprising.  It's her complete lack of introspection and/or questions about why.  It seems very surface level of angry to me.  And then, BAM, here are the rules and everything should be fine.  And then she comes across as what...surprised, I guess, that it's not, that she has questions.  But never once is the question how, why, what happened, etc. and I find that odd.

Granted, it's a Prudie letter, so we don't get everything.  

When you're in that situation, you don't want to think that something's wrong. I sure as hell know that I didn't. I just wanted it to stop and go away. There clearly is something going on with her husband, but you get to a point where you are so overwhelmed that you can't handle another challenge. I think it's completely unfair to say that she isn't acting the way that you (general you) think she should be acting. 

I’m really sorry if my post made you feel I (we) lacked compassion for her, and you. I never would want to make someone feel that way. Thank you for sharing your story. 

banana468

cupcait927 said:

VarunaTT said:

It's not her anger that's surprising.  It's her complete lack of introspection and/or questions about why.  It seems very surface level of angry to me.  And then, BAM, here are the rules and everything should be fine.  And then she comes across as what...surprised, I guess, that it's not, that she has questions.  But never once is the question how, why, what happened, etc. and I find that odd.

Granted, it's a Prudie letter, so we don't get everything.  

When you're in that situation, you don't want to think that something's wrong. I sure as hell know that I didn't. I just wanted it to stop and go away. There clearly is something going on with her husband, but you get to a point where you are so overwhelmed that you can't handle another challenge. I think it's completely unfair to say that she isn't acting the way that you (general you) think she should be acting. 

Honestly - it's the concept to me that she never had alcohol in the house ever that stuck out to me as something that's relatively odd.   It wasn't that she was surprised by it - that struck me as totally normal.   It was the way that she approached the concept of booze as something she can't remember herself having recently or ever in her home like it's a dirty diaper lingering around that struck me as odd.   

I agree that the guy has a problem.   But based on her backstory it seems like there's something off about how she tolerates alcohol in general.

climbingsingle

Some people don't keep alcohol in their home, and don't drink at home. She said she'll maybe have a drink when she goes out. I don't find that so odd. I don't drink at home. And I think the last time I had a drink was the beginning of February? Some people are not drinkers. 

As far as her surface level anger, or lack of introspection, maybe she's still processing it all. Like Cupcait said, it's hard to come to terms with the fact that something is wrong. I don't see her as enforcing rules, and expecting it to work. She even questions herself about this in her letter to Prudie. 

My last boyfriend before my H developed a very serious drinking problem. I can't say that I spent much time reflecting. It was more "Is he going to be belligerent tonight, what am I going to do, how can I get this to stop?". 

Obviously this hits close to home for me. I just feel like the LW is getting flack that's not deserved.  

VarunaTT

I see this from the viewpoint of addiction is a disease and having dealt with alcoholism in some form or another throughout my childhood and adult life, in various forms.  I recognize her pattern.  I do have compassion for it, however I still have questions about it.  B/c like it or not, for 15 years of this disease, she has played some sort of role in this relationship (I say some sort b/c we don't know how their relationship actually was and I don't want to victim blame/shame).  And she doesn't seem interested in discerning what that is/was/will be or in the physical/mental/emotional health of her husband.  Which is totally fine, she doesn't have to.  But then, get the divorce already.