Guest RSVPed for two when he wasn't given a plus one...

knottiea7c559f4e249058a

Hey everyone,
My fiance and I are getting married in 43 days (wow) and the RSVPs have started rolling in. We wanted a semi small wedding, just our families and close friends in attendance. We both have fairly large families so with just families and a few close friends we are hovering around 115. Our goal was under 100, but it's not too much over, so no big deal. We are trying to keep it as intimate as possible with that many people, so we even didn't invite a few distant family members that we don't talk to much. We did not allow anyone plus ones either for budget and the same intimacy reason. Several people have asked us if they could have a plus one, but we politely told them that due to budget, size, etc. we unfortunately couldn't allow any plus ones. Some people we know who the plus one would have been, and would have been ok with that person in attendance, but we wanted to stay consistent and not make any exceptions, chancing something going wrong, people getting upset, whatever the case would be. 

So, yesterday we got an RSVP in the mail that was from my fiance's cousin. The envelope was just addressed to him. His name only, no "and guest" or "plus one." On the RSVP he put 2 for number attending. So what do we do? Do we mention it to him and make things awkward or do we just have to suck it up and allow the plus one? It is his girlfriend who we have met briefly twice, never have really had a conversation with her, so we don't really know her at all.

Thanks.

flantastic

knottiea7c559f4e249058a said:

Hey everyone,
My fiance and I are getting married in 43 days (wow) and the RSVPs have started rolling in. We wanted a semi small wedding, just our families and close friends in attendance. We both have fairly large families so with just families and a few close friends we are hovering around 115. Our goal was under 100, but it's not too much over, so no big deal. We are trying to keep it as intimate as possible with that many people, so we even didn't invite a few distant family members that we don't talk to much. We did not allow anyone plus ones either for budget and the same intimacy reason. Several people have asked us if they could have a plus one, but we politely told them that due to budget, size, etc. we unfortunately couldn't allow any plus ones. Some people we know who the plus one would have been, and would have been ok with that person in attendance, but we wanted to stay consistent and not make any exceptions, chancing something going wrong, people getting upset, whatever the case would be. 

So, yesterday we got an RSVP in the mail that was from my fiance's cousin. The envelope was just addressed to him. His name only, no "and guest" or "plus one." On the RSVP he put 2 for number attending. So what do we do? Do we mention it to him and make things awkward or do we just have to suck it up and allow the plus one? It is his girlfriend who we have met briefly twice, never have really had a conversation with her, so we don't really know her at all.

Thanks.

Yeah, this is your mistake. All significant others (regardless of whether you've met them) should have been invited. Plus ones are only a courtesy for truly single guests. If you choose to invite someone, you also have to budget for/accept their significant other. They're a single unit for social invitation purposes. "Intimacy" is not a reason you get to abandon that. You're also not the arbiter of how significant a relationship is - if they call themselves boyfriend/girlfriend/etc., they need to be invited.

What you really need to do is call all the other people you've been rude to by excluding their SOs and apologize and say of course they can bring them.

knottiea7c559f4e249058a

We looked up the etiquette many different places, including these forums, and made our decision per our findings. We cannot afford to give everyone that has a significant other a plus one (and I'm sure many others cannot either), so a line had to be drawn somewhere and we invited all fiances, live-in significant others, etc based on what we read. 

I was not invited to my fiance's cousin's wedding and I was not offended in the least, nor did I consider it rude. I understand budget, space, and whatever other restrictions. 

ShesSoCold

knottiea7c559f4e249058a said:

We looked up the etiquette many different places, including these forums, and made our decision per our findings. We cannot afford to give everyone that has a significant other a plus one (and I'm sure many others cannot either), so a line had to be drawn somewhere and we invited all fiances, live-in significant others, etc based on what we read. 

I was not invited to my fiance's cousin's wedding and I was not offended in the least, nor did I consider it rude. I understand budget, space, and whatever other restrictions. 

Regardless of who else did what else, it's rude not to invite someone's partner to an event. 

ESPECIALLY when that event is to celebrate someone's relationship. You're literally telling them to come look at your wonderful relationship while telling them that theirs isn't important enough. 

You're wrong here. You can try to justify it but this is not okay. Your cousin was probably hoping you made a mistake on his invitation and not intentionally being rude. Since it's the latter, you'll probably just have to tell him that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ETA - We can't give proper etiquette advice for something that is a direct result of poor etiquette. 

climbingsingle

So, you are 100% in the wrong here. First, someone's SO is not a plus one. An actual plus one is when a person is single, and you allow them to bring a guest. You can't invite people to your wedding, and not include their partners. It doesn't matter if someone was rude and didn't invite you to a wedding. Two wrongs don't make a right. 

Think of it this way - you're asking these people to come celebrate your marriage, while totally disrespecting their relationships. Honestly, your cousin probably thought it was a mistake, because inviting someone and not their partner is rude. It sounds like he was giving you the benefit of the doubt. 

banana468

knottiea7c559f4e249058a said:

We looked up the etiquette many different places, including these forums, and made our decision per our findings. We cannot afford to give everyone that has a significant other a plus one (and I'm sure many others cannot either), so a line had to be drawn somewhere and we invited all fiances, live-in significant others, etc based on what we read. 

I was not invited to my fiance's cousin's wedding and I was not offended in the least, nor did I consider it rude. I understand budget, space, and whatever other restrictions. 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if you were told that you could split up an established couple for your wedding you were given some seriously incorrect information.   

That you weren't offended when this was done to you makes you a gracious recipient of a serious etiquette blunder and for that you should be commended.   However that is not license for you and your FI to engage in the same horribly rude practice at all.  

Anyone in a relationship should have been invited with their SO.   Why would you want your nearest and dearest to be with you on a day celebrating your unending love when you sent the message that their nearest and dearest aren't welcome? 

What you do:  Clear it up now.   Call the cousin and ask if he's in a relationship.   If he is then the SO is welcome.  If the person is a date only then you can say you regret any miscommunication but unfortunately the invitation was just for the cousin.

You have 43 days.   That's over a month and plenty of time now to fix this egregious issue.   Cut back on centerpieces, the honeymoon, transportation, etc if it means that you can clear up this public relations hole that you're currently in. 

flantastic

Honestly, I get how you are thinking. But if you can't afford or don't want to include everyone's relationships, then you can't invite the cousins or whomever else for whom that is true. If they're not close enough for you to be okay with also hosting their SO, then they're not close enough to invite.

Hosting people well means not only accommodating who you're close to, but also who they're partnered with. People do understand budget limitations, but they would generally rather not be invited than be invited, but shown that you didn't care to host them appropriately. No one is entitled to a wedding invite, but once you choose to invite someone, you have to host them well.

You not personally caring about someone being rude to you doesn't mean it wasn't rude.

ei34

100-115 guests isn't an intimate wedding.  I get the big family thing, H and I have them too.  If you'd posted a guest list/budgeting/keeping it small question when you were starting to plan, I would've said don't invite guests you aren't close to.  (And if you're willing to split couples, you aren't that close to guests like your cousin in question.)  Totally ditto PP advice to scale back in other areas if it's budget stopping you from allowing couples to be together at a celebration of love.

MobKaz

I would revisit your guest list and count how many invited guests you insulted by not including their significant other.  See how many guests you would have to include to correct this BIG etiquette faux pas.  Find a way to accommodate these people.

The good news is that if you do not, you may find yourself having a truly intimate wedding with the amount of decline responses you receive as a result of this error.

MesmrEwe

6-25 is an intimate wedding, not 100.  If they are single and are not dating anyone is gray area for allowing a "plus one" but if they're dating, whether you consider it important or not, the bf/gf/fi gets invited and is not a "plus one" as they are a committed relationship.  You chose to be rude, that was your choice.  Now you can continue to be rude and call your cousin to say your potential future cousin is not invited or you can take a breath, eat a cupcake, and move on which is the lesser impacting of your options.  

redwoodoriginal

HOLY F*CK. An SO, AKA a girlfriend or boyfriend or partner is NOT A PLUS ONE. 

FFS. Do we have to say it one more time for the people in the back? 

100+ ppl is not an intimate wedding. Gtfo with that bullshit excuse. 

MairePoppy

Oh dear, I'm so sorry that you took the advice of advertisers in the wedding business, rather than those in the etiquette business. The former have a pony in this race. It's bad business for advertisers to tell brides and grooms things they don't want to hear. True etiquette experts will advocate that you make your guests welcome and comfortable, which means respecting their relationships.

So how do you fix it? First call the cousin and ask for the name of his girlfriend, if you don't know, so that you may put her proper name on her place card and you will be able to mention her by name in the thank you note later, if cousin gives you a gift. If you do know, no need to call him. For the rest of your dear friends and relatives who responded for 1, even though they are in a relationship, you should let them know that you would like to invite their S/Os. Those who haven't responded yet, may be wondering if you intended to include or exclude their loved one. Call those who are in a relationship and correct your error.

Congrats on your upcoming wedding. I hope you have a beautiful day. Only 43 days! Yikes!

angiiieee

Unfortunately, you do need to be prepared for plus ones. I only want 100 people at my wedding so I invited people accordingly, taking into account that some are in relationships and will want to bring their significant others. 
I also have a budget which is why I didn't go crazy. You want your attendees to feel comfortable and have someone to dance with and hangout not feeling uncomfortable or bored at a party. 

climbingsingle

angiiieee said:

Unfortunately, you do need to be prepared for plus ones. I only want 100 people at my wedding so I invited people accordingly, taking into account that some are in relationships and will want to bring their significant others. 
I also have a budget which is why I didn't go crazy. You want your attendees to feel comfortable and have someone to dance with and hangout not feeling uncomfortable or bored at a party. 

You're totally missing the point. A SO is NOT a plus one. A plus one is when someone is single and you allow them to bring a guest. If someone is in a relationship, you need to invite their partner, and it's not so they're not "bored". 

levioosa

You are in the wrong. A “plus one” is for truly single guests. Your cousin is not single. He has a girlfriend. And you rudely did not invite her. You need to extend invites to all significant others you so rudely excluded. And you don’t get to put parameters on their relationship. If they consider themselves to be in a relationship, they are a couple and should be invited together, regardless of marital status or length of time. Also in no world is 100 people “small and intimate.”

STARMOON44

knottiea7c559f4e249058a said:

We looked up the etiquette many different places, including these forums, and made our decision per our findings. We cannot afford to give everyone that has a significant other a plus one (and I'm sure many others cannot either), so a line had to be drawn somewhere and we invited all fiances, live-in significant others, etc based on what we read. 

I was not invited to my fiance's cousin's wedding and I was not offended in the least, nor did I consider it rude. I understand budget, space, and whatever other restrictions. 

Welp, you’re wrong. So your choice is be even more rude now, or be less rude. 

MyNameIsNot

knottiea7c559f4e249058a said:

We looked up the etiquette many different places, including these forums, and made our decision per our findings. We cannot afford to give everyone that has a significant other a plus one (and I'm sure many others cannot either), so a line had to be drawn somewhere and we invited all fiances, live-in significant others, etc based on what we read. 

I was not invited to my fiance's cousin's wedding and I was not offended in the least, nor did I consider it rude. I understand budget, space, and whatever other restrictions. 

 

You're 100% wrong here. It's a real shame that your FI's family treated you that way and that he allowed it. (Frankly, I think your FI was incredibly disrespectful of you to go to that wedding without you. Most people wouldn't have gone in that situation.)

Still, this treatment doesn't give you license to be so disrespectful to your guests' relationships. You need to make room for ALL the significant others. Truly single guests don't need a plus one, but all significant others need to be included. The issue of trying to make adjustments to the headcount now will be so much less than trying to clean up the insult and hurt feelings.