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Wedding Party
knottie73628
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[DELETE]
There is too much bullying and drama going on that is completely useless and it's a complete waste of time to sit and look at opinions of strangers who do not care to listen or understand anyone beyond their own judgment of what they think is happening. A simple question was asked and a few people took it too far, it's ridiculous. There is no reimbursement happening unless someone can take her spot and take care of her costs and that's all.
Re: [DELETE]
A bridesmaid is not obligated to help with the wedding or attend any parties. It sounds like the bride asked and regretted and has been trying to bully this BM out the whole time.
I can't tell if you're helping the bride bully or if you have stockholm syndrome. Either way, this bride is horrible. If I were in your shoes, I would be questioning why I'm friends with someone who would treat anyone like this.
It sounds like the bride is making a huge deal out of nothing and has grand expectations. I would have been tempted to ghost that too. As PP said, she has no responsibilities other than the dress, and that was totally possible. Asking "if she still wants to be a part of the bridal party" makes it sound like there were strings other than her presence at the wedding which came with being in the bridal party, like having to shell out a ton of cash for another GD destination bachelorette party.
Your friend actively ended the friendship, after pressuring her to drop out for a while because she wasn't living up to unrealistic expectations. It very much sounds like the former BM didn't want to go on this trip but didn't feel like she could say no. That's why people are calling this bullying.
Did she say what she would agree to spend at a price point ever? Were the conversations itemizing costs or were they asking if she would chip in?
If the wedding has not yet happened (and won't for 4 months) and the bachelorette hasn't happened (and won't for 2 months), my interpretation is that the BM is non-committal and flighty and best. But rather than wait for her to no show on anything she's forced out before any of these events occurred.
At this point, the burden of financial expense is on the person(s) who removed her from the events. Based on the facts stated, she DID spend some money to be in attendance at some of these events. And then because she wasn't working within some arbitrary timeline she was removed from the event.
If she spent money to attend events that she is no longer welcome to, of course she should be reimbursed.
I'm no lawyer but at this point if you're holding both her ticket and her finances hostage I think she has a potential small claims case against anyone who is not reimbursing her.
One or the other is true.
I agree that it is not great that she committed to spending a ton of money that you guys then spent, assuming her reimbursement would be there.
But the whole possibility of asking her to leave - whether telling her you were "thinking about asking her to leave" or actually asking her to leave - is where your problem lies. The money for the bach is a separate issue. She could still be in the bridal party and not go to the bach and not have paid you guys back. I can see where you would no longer want to be friends with someone who hangs you out to dry for $400, but once you actively make the friendship ending move, then she has a right to ask for the money she spent on the expectation of that friendship. And there was still a chance that she would have paid her back, and gotten the dress, so the bride didn't have to take the nuclear option.
2) When you bring up saying that you were thinking of asking her to leave, you've decided that being in the wedding party is contingent upon some set of conditions. If you've been lead to think that this is correct please allow me to inform you that you were misinformed. The wording used is up there with "i was asked to resign." All of it implies that in some way shape or form this was not entirely her decision AT ALL.
3) Why did she need to order her dress by a certain date if the wedding is not for four months? BM dresses don't need that much time. Was this a date given by a retailer or the bride? Please help me understand what the 'required date' was and how it came to be.
The fact that you were ever part of the conversation between bride and BM speaks loads about why you sound like a bully. None of that is any of your business.
Nonetheless, we all know you're not going to reimburse this poor girl. So good for you, I guess? I hope you're proud of yourself.
I know it is too late now but, for lurkers, this is how it should have played out. Anyone being invited to the bach party should have been asked privately how much they were willing to spend. That's very different than asking in a group setting, "Bach party in Vegas! Only about $400 per person. You all good with that?" I'm not saying the OP did it one way or the other or somewhere in between. Just giving general guidance.
I suspect this person may not have been able to easily afford the trip or they would have just given the bride their money for the plane ticket and room, at the time things were booked and the cost was incurred.
At any rate, while no response from this ex-BM was frustrating and upsetting, the bride should have reached out as a friend with nothing related to the wedding, like, "Hey Cousin, I haven't heard from you in awhile. Is everything okay? I'm worried about you! Please call me back/e-mail me/etc."
If there was still no response, the bride shouldn't have even asked her if she still wanted to be in the WP. Because that implies negativity and that the bride doesn't want her in the WP, unless she "gets with the program".
If this ex-BM didn't order her dress in time...and 4 months is still plenty of time...then she has ultimately taken herself out of the wedding without the bride being the bad guy. Or if she didn't respond about the bach party...also, still 2 months away...and is a "no show" at the airport (probably unlikely, until she was kicked out). Then she'd still be on the hook for her expenses and wouldn't be in a position to ask for the money back on the $85 ticket.
But, in the end, it is the bride who is the bad guy for kicking her friend/cousin out of the WP. Which also broke the verbal contract (so to speak) in regards to the bach trip.
Let your friend the bride know that she shouldn't ask anyone to replace her cousin. And re the cousin "not being involved"- the only requirement is showing up at the ceremony on time, in the agreed upon attire, so not sure what she hasn't been involved in considering the ceremony is 4 months away.
I'm still waiting for you to explain how any of this was your decision.
I have zero control over whether you do realize this, and will now go on with my day.
If the answer is "nothing, except it might get you harassed by the bride and MOH," then they are arbitrary.
Also, asking pointed questions trying to come to an understanding of truth isn't bullying.
Quite frankly, I think anyone who thinks that THIS is bullying should be ashamed of herself - especially when that same person was using textbook bullying behavior.
One more thing: the opinions of the parents of the bride do not matter in this situation. They should not have been involved in this at all. That they are involved makes me question the maturity level of all of this.
No one gives nearly as much of a shit about someone else's wedding, even if they are in the bridal party, everyone's expectations about how involved this poor woman should be are ridiculous. I would love for her to post here so we could confirm for her that the bride, the rest of the bridal party, and the bride's fucking parents [!!] are all out of line.
Good job with the bat signal, OP. I hope one day you look back on your attitude on all this and realize you're absolutely 100% wrong, but people like you never do. And that's just sad.