How to ask for guests to contribute to Bachelor & Bachelorette party

knottie642ce14f33698cd9

Hello all,

Let me first explain the situation: I'm the bride here, 1 month before my wedding. Our wedding is set in a foreign country since I was immigrated to US when I was teenager and I pretty much raised by my grandmothers back in my hometown. They are both too old to travel. My fiance know how important it is for them to attend our wedding, especially for me, so he proposed we have the wedding in my hometown and his groomsmen and family travel back.

4 of my bridesmaids are my high school friends, 1 is my fiance's sister. They are all happily planned the trip for me. My original MOH decided to bail out once I told her I can't afford to pay her luxury international airfare. I offered half of it and even offered to pay economy round trip, she still wouldn't agree on the terms and made up some obvious lies to ask be eliminated from the bridal party (Rest of the group all planned with their own money). Last time we talked she said she won't attend my bachelorette party nor my wedding cause "it's too awkward for her" . We haven't spoke since. I had to act tough up cause I have a wedding to plan but deep inside I was really hurt for what happened. More like a reality slap over a one-sided "friendship"...

Ever since then I was going through a lot of self doubt and stress over this coming up wedding. Long story short I never had the nerve to ask for another MOH, I kind of take it on my shoulder and started to plan this wedding with my fiance and a wedding planner overseas, means I always have to stay up late to accomodate the time differences, my fiance helped a lot but he still has language issues so mainly the pressure was on me. My bridal shower was hosted by my fiance's sister and mother. I wasn't even thinking to throw a bachelorette party because I was too exhausted.

Few weeks ago my fiance got a little stressed since his best man's wife is pregnant and due day is just two days before our wedding hence he won't be joining us. A lot of our friends won't be joining us overseas for the wedding. So I asked if he wants to do a combined bachelor and bachelorette party and take it as a mini wedding just between good friends. We asked people to save the date of this coming weekend to a wine country getaway, approximately 20 people confirmed.

We've booked a large nice house through airbnb for the weekend. I planned to take my girlfriends out on a wine tasting trip and Sunday on the way back for a hot spring spa day, rest of the time both of our friends will stay at the house for pool party, BBQ and some indoor games together.

We've never mentioned money to everyone since both of us feel bad to ask bridal party to pay more on top of their international travel, suits/dress, and all the efforts to make to the wedding. Yesterday I finally decided to ask one of my bridesmaid to be my MOH and she happily accepted and told me she'd more than happy to pay her share to the bachelorette party.

So far we've spend $3000+ on the house and around $1000 for food and drinks, not counting $800 wine tasting and another $600 on spa. I asked my fiance what he thinks and he said it will be nice if people can chip in on the food, and have the girls pay their own entrance tickets on the wine and spa.

It's literally one day before the actual party. I thought maybe we can make a little sign asking people to contribute for food and leave a box in the house, so people can put in whatever amount they feel like so, maybe a signage with venmo account or paypal?

I don't know if that's reasonable or to tacky? And that means I'd have to break the ice to the girls and ask them to pay their wine and spa pretty much on the day of the event, I feel bad. Again, not well planned, again, more stressful...

Sorry for the long essay LOL I kinna just went on and on. Financially our original budget covered the whole oversea wedding, this party is out of the budget and we are actually taking a hit (but not broke since we saved and saved over the years). But because of all these situations I explained, and emotionally I just don't want deal with friends with sad faces with money anymore.

Is this donation board doable?

MobKaz

knottie642ce14f33698cd9 said:

Hello all,

Let me first explain the situation: I'm the bride here, 1 month before my wedding. Our wedding is set in a foreign country since I was immigrated to US when I was teenager and I pretty much raised by my grandmothers back in my hometown. They are both too old to travel. My fiance know how important it is for them to attend our wedding, especially for me, so he proposed we have the wedding in my hometown and his groomsmen and family travel back.

4 of my bridesmaids are my high school friends, 1 is my fiance's sister. They are all happily planned the trip for me. My original MOH decided to bail out once I told her I can't afford to pay her luxury international airfare. I offered half of it and even offered to pay economy round trip, she still wouldn't agree on the terms and made up some obvious lies to ask be eliminated from the bridal party (Rest of the group all planned with their own money). Last time we talked she said she won't attend my bachelorette party nor my wedding cause "it's too awkward for her" . We haven't spoke since. I had to act tough up cause I have a wedding to plan but deep inside I was really hurt for what happened. More like a reality slap over a one-sided "friendship"...

Ever since then I was going through a lot of self doubt and stress over this coming up wedding. Long story short I never had the nerve to ask for another MOH, I kind of take it on my shoulder and started to plan this wedding with my fiance and a wedding planner overseas, means I always have to stay up late to accomodate the time differences, my fiance helped a lot but he still has language issues so mainly the pressure was on me. My bridal shower was hosted by my fiance's sister and mother. I wasn't even thinking to throw a bachelorette party because I was too exhausted.

Few weeks ago my fiance got a little stressed since his best man's wife is pregnant and due day is just two days before our wedding hence he won't be joining us. A lot of our friends won't be joining us overseas for the wedding. So I asked if he wants to do a combined bachelor and bachelorette party and take it as a mini wedding just between good friends. We asked people to save the date of this coming weekend to a wine country getaway, approximately 20 people confirmed.

We've booked a large nice house through airbnb for the weekend. I planned to take my girlfriends out on a wine tasting trip and Sunday on the way back for a hot spring spa day, rest of the time both of our friends will stay at the house for pool party, BBQ and some indoor games together.

We've never mentioned money to everyone since both of us feel bad to ask bridal party to pay more on top of their international travel, suits/dress, and all the efforts to make to the wedding. Yesterday I finally decided to ask one of my bridesmaid to be my MOH and she happily accepted and told me she'd more than happy to pay her share to the bachelorette party.

So far we've spend $3000+ on the house and around $1000 for food and drinks, not counting $800 wine tasting and another $600 on spa. I asked my fiance what he thinks and he said it will be nice if people can chip in on the food, and have the girls pay their own entrance tickets on the wine and spa.

It's literally one day before the actual party. I thought maybe we can make a little sign asking people to contribute for food and leave a box in the house, so people can put in whatever amount they feel like so, maybe a signage with venmo account or paypal?

I don't know if that's reasonable or to tacky? And that means I'd have to break the ice to the girls and ask them to pay their wine and spa pretty much on the day of the event, I feel bad. Again, not well planned, again, more stressful...

Sorry for the long essay LOL I kinna just went on and on. Financially our original budget covered the whole oversea wedding, this party is out of the budget and we are actually taking a hit (but not broke since we saved and saved over the years). But because of all these situations I explained, and emotionally I just don't want deal with friends with sad faces with money anymore.

Is this donation board doable?

No time to comment until this evening, but HAD to pull a JIC, because...…...it screams DELETE!

MyNameIsNot

1) It was never your MOH's responsibility to help you plan your wedding. You don't get a gold star for planning it with your FI and wedding planner. That's what should be happening!

2) Part of getting married far away means not everyone can or will make it. Travel is expensive, and it's a lot of time off. Instead of being upset at your MOH and the BM for not being able to make it, you should be delighted at the people who can. You should never have considered replacing people who couldn't attend.

3) And on to the main event, it is absolutely crass to plan your own bach party. You should never have done that in the first place. But now that you've gone ahead and decided to do it and made extravagant plans, it's at your expense. There is absolutely no way you can ask invitees to help pay for the costs of a party/trip that you planned. 

Last, this is not a donation. You are not a charity. You considering are asking people (who have already spent thousands) to contribute extra to a party for you. That is the opposite of charity. Even if you were having a local wedding, it would be wholly inappropriate to throw your own bach party and then ask people to help pay for it. But the added costs of travel to a destination wedding plus travel to this expensive bach party just makes it that much worse. 

climbingsingle

No, no, no. You cannot in any way ask these people to chip in for this party. It's extremely tacky, and just wrong.

You and your FI planned this trip, which in itself is very tacky. The bride and groom don't plan their own bach parties. But, that ship has sailed. You cannot ask them to fund this trip. 

Why did you even plan this party if it's out of your budget? This truly makes no sense. 

Jen4948

'Fraid not.

You first shouldn't be throwing parties in your own honor. Nor should you be asking anyone to pay for their own provisions -- especially for an out-of-town party that requires overnight travel. And as noted above, you are not a charity.

I would scrap the whole idea. If nobody throws you a bachelor/ette party, then you need to accept that you aren't having one. You won't be the first or the last bridal couple not to have one.

While it would be appropriate for you and your FI to throw either separate parties or a joint party in honor of your wedding party members, you would need to pay for it yourselves in its entirety, and you would need to bear in mind that the party is in their honor, in other words a gift from you to them -- not the other way around.

flantastic

I feel bad for your former MOH. Just because she doesn't have the financial wherewithal to pay for (even half) a trip to a foreign country, you think this is a one-sided friendship?

Spending money to travel internationally is not anywhere close to one of my financial priorities, even if I got to choose the destination myself. If my own brother were getting married overseas, I'd probably tell him I couldn't make it. That doesn't mean I don't love him, it means we can't swing it and I'm not going to change my life goals and financial planning to make that work.

You were very generous to offer to help as much as you could, but I don't think you should hold it against her that she realized she couldn't commit to your wedding after figuring out what it would cost her.

banana468

I cannot imagine asking people who just showed up on vacation to ask them to pay for more money on zero notice.

Unfortunately the only thing I think you can do is come up with thrifty options for your meals and activities this weekend.

InLoveInQueens

You made so many mistakes throughout all of this, do not make another one and beg for money when you threw yourself a tacky too-expensive party. Suck it up and pay for the party you should not have even thrown yourself.

Also you don't get brownie points for planning your own wedding (with a coordinator and your SO). That is who is supposed to plan the wedding, not your MOH or anyone else in your bridal party. And thankfully you didn't "have the nerve" to ask someone else to replace your supposedly-[former]best-friend, because that would just add a whole 'nother mistake to this novel of bad choices.

I hope everyone invited to your shower was also invited to your international destination wedding.

MesmrEwe

Sure, it's a "it'd be nice" but the reality is, you invited these people to this weekend party, it's on your dime..  Change activities to ones you can easily afford to pay for everyone to attend instead otherwise, the meals are "on your own" events instead of formally planned ones so people can choose where they want to go instead.  

knottie642ce14f33698cd9

Thank you all for the replies! Last night it was middle of night I probably wasn’t thinking straight, or under the impression that we should ask for help since most of the bachelor party was split by guests, or because we don’t have registry so it’s okay to ask... But some of you pointed right, every wedding is different and in our case we were thinking to throw a mini wedding with friends and it’s more important to just celebrate together. Financially we are good like I said probably got a little greedy thinking what if we can get away paying less. Which at this point it’s cleared that we should just go ahead enjoy ourselves. I did got messages today from more guests that offered to help out with money but overall I think it’s not a big deal and “on the day of” situation is really something nobody wants to be surprised of. Thx

knottie642ce14f33698cd9

I feel like I should explain that former MOH situation a little more... All our guests hotel is covered by us and we are throwing them 3-5 days local trips depends on how long they plan to stay. We actually ended up paying for their suits/dresses and the only thing our bridal party paid it's their flight tickets, which about $500-$700 each and their plus 1's flight. Two of the bridal party is having some financial difficulties we offered to pay their flight tickets as well. We both purchased about $300 thank you gifts for all the bridal party. As a MOH I'd assume this person can at lease help to organize a bridal shower or bachelorette party? She didn't plan a bridal shower instead my fiance's sister step up and organized it because it was already 4 months before the wedding and there's no word from her. She doesn't want to plan a bachelorette party because she lives further from everyone and thinking driving 45 mins is too much unless we all go to her. Then she planned the trip with her boyfriend to stay another week after the wedding, touring the country on their own, which is her hometown too. Her boyfriend ended up booking a business class flight with his company money claim he will be travel for work. She wants to book the same flight which is $3000. I told her I can't afford that, my own flight is $400. Then she wasn't happy and said as my MOH I wasn't showing her enough support? I offered to pay her economy class flight she wouldn't agree. I offered to pay $1500 to the flight she wants she said "all of nothing". Then she said she's only going overseas for my wedding but actually she's taking two weeks off to take her new bf touring her own city. I understand that she probably wouldn't made this trip if it's not for my wedding, but I just couldn't wrap up around my mind why I have to go this far to have a MOH doing nothing instead of asking me for favors all the time. On the day of my wedding dress day she asked me to pay for her parking fees and the whole thing was organized by my other friend, she arrived late and left early, still, she complained about how far she had to drive (30 mins). And financially she's making quarter a mill a year. I finally had to tell her I have a wedding to plan and I can't deal with all these drama. Two days later she called and quit the whole thing. I still ask her to come to the wedding or bridal shower or bachelorette party, she wouldn't come since she thinks it's awkward for HER, entirely didn't mention to celebrate for ME. It started with money but I'd rather say it ended far more than that. It's 15 years friendship that I worshiped and been there for everything happened to her life and she hasn't visit me once since she moved. It's a lot more detailed that I just don't want to explain. I wasn't  asking for empathy I just want to briefly explained what happened to my MOH and why I don't have a MOH to plan this party instead. I'm sorry if I took this a little personal but it's far more hurtful when you realized someone you take as a lifelong friend ended up this way. Unfortunately. 

knottie642ce14f33698cd9

flantastic said:

I feel bad for your former MOH. Just because she doesn't have the financial wherewithal to pay for (even half) a trip to a foreign country, you think this is a one-sided friendship?

Spending money to travel internationally is not anywhere close to one of my financial priorities, even if I got to choose the destination myself. If my own brother were getting married overseas, I'd probably tell him I couldn't make it. That doesn't mean I don't love him, it means we can't swing it and I'm not going to change my life goals and financial planning to make that work.

You were very generous to offer to help as much as you could, but I don't think you should hold it against her that she realized she couldn't commit to your wedding after figuring out what it would cost her.

I feel like I should explain that former MOH situation a little more... All our guests hotel is covered by us and we are throwing them 3-5 days local trips depends on how long they plan to stay. We actually ended up paying for their suits/dresses and the only thing our bridal party paid it's their flight tickets, which about $500-$700 each and their plus 1's flight. Two of the bridal party is having some financial difficulties we offered to pay their flight tickets as well. We both purchased about $300 thank you gifts for all the bridal party. As a MOH I'd assume this person can at lease help to organize a bridal shower or bachelorette party? She didn't plan a bridal shower instead my fiance's sister step up and organized it because it was already 4 months before the wedding and there's no word from her. She doesn't want to plan a bachelorette party because she lives further from everyone and thinking driving 45 mins is too much unless we all go to her. Then she planned the trip with her boyfriend to stay another week after the wedding, touring the country on their own, which is her hometown too. Her boyfriend ended up booking a business class flight with his company money claim he will be travel for work. She wants to book the same flight which is $3000. I told her I can't afford that, my own flight is $400. Then she wasn't happy and said as my MOH I wasn't showing her enough support? I offered to pay her economy class flight she wouldn't agree. I offered to pay $1500 to the flight she wants she said "all of nothing". Then she said she's only going overseas for my wedding but actually she's taking two weeks off to take her new bf touring her own city. I understand that she probably wouldn't made this trip if it's not for my wedding, but I just couldn't wrap up around my mind why I have to go this far to have a MOH doing nothing instead of asking me for favors all the time. On the day of my wedding dress day she asked me to pay for her parking fees and the whole thing was organized by my other friend, she arrived late and left early, still, she complained about how far she had to drive (30 mins). And financially she's making quarter a mill a year. I finally had to tell her I have a wedding to plan and I can't deal with all these drama. Two days later she called and quit the whole thing. I still ask her to come to the wedding or bridal shower or bachelorette party, she wouldn't come since she thinks it's awkward for HER, entirely didn't mention to celebrate for ME. It started with money but I'd rather say it ended far more than that. It's 15 years friendship that I worshiped and been there for everything happened to her life and she hasn't visit me once since she moved. It's a lot more detailed that I just don't want to explain. I wasn't  asking for empathy I just want to briefly explained what happened to my MOH and why I don't have a MOH to plan this party instead. I'm sorry if I took this a little personal but it's far more hurtful when you realized someone you take as a lifelong friend ended up this way. Unfortunately. 

ei34

Really just trying to figure out why this is posted in "Budget Weddings".

I don't understand the mini wedding part of the weekend.  You get one wedding.
 
Your MOH was wrong to expect you to pay for her $3000 flight.  You're wrong to have expected her to plan your pre-wedding parties.  Honestly, neither issue would be worth throwing away 15 years of friendship with someone from my home country.  I'd take the wedding out of this and try and make peace.

knottie4bb15334c880aaa7

Damn! These people went off on you and were no help at all.
It is not tacky to throw your own party and ask for help with it, especially if nobody else took on the job even though they said yes to being a part of the party. How isolating. It takes a quick google search to find out what they should be doing. I'd just run away with your fiance and live a happy life without these "friends" you have. 
Hope it all worked out for you!

banana468

knottie4bb15334c880aaa7 said:

Damn! These people went off on you and were no help at all.
It is not tacky to throw your own party and ask for help with it, especially if nobody else took on the job even though they said yes to being a part of the party. How isolating. It takes a quick google search to find out what they should be doing. I'd just run away with your fiance and live a happy life without these "friends" you have. 
Hope it all worked out for you!

1)  This post is nearly 5 years old and is considered a dead thread.  Please look at the time stamps before responding.

2) You're incorrect.  It's not appropriate to throw a party in your honor.  It's done but that doesn't make it acceptable.

3) If you look at the timeline here, the OP is asking how to get people to pay for stuff on one day notice.  The surefire way to make anyone frustrated is to spring financial requests on them that put them between a rock and a hard place on no notice.  It's not an OK way to treat others.