• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding Woes

You don't have to say 'yes' to every invitation.

Dear Prudence,

All of my friends in my city make more money than I do. We go out a lot, sometimes to casual places and sometimes to really nice ones. However, I’ve realized I need to curb my spending habits, which lands me in quite a predicament. How do I choose between going out with my friends and saving money? They’re not ridiculously extravagant, and sometimes we do go to pretty low-key establishments. And sometimes it’s easy, like, if we’re just getting drinks, I can just drink less. But sometimes it’s not easy, and when I have to choose, I get even more anxious—either I’m spending money I shouldn’t be spending, or I’m sitting home alone while my friends are out. For instance, the other night, we were out for happy hour and deciding where to go for dinner. They decided on a slightly expensive place, and I was faced with spending the money or going home and being sad I was missing out. I don’t think it’s very fair for me to try to convince them to stay away from pricey places. I can’t fault them for being in better financial positions than me. So how do I cope?

—Money or Friends

Re: You don't have to say 'yes' to every invitation.

  • LW could potentially venture into asking to do more home things. If the friends don't know or if LW doesn't wanna get into finances, could use the excuse of "I just wanna enjoy the company without the crowd for a bit. I'm feeling lowkey"
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That FOMO though. 

    I get it. It’s hard to cut down on going out. At the same time now that I’m older I’m all about having people over instead of putting in the effort of getting ready and going out. 


    image
    mrsconn23charlotte989875
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 26
    I wonder how things are paid?  Some groups just throw in a credit card no matter what was consumed.  We do this in our group and I’m always the one over paying.  They usually have a drink or more than I do - and go for the seafoody/expensive dishes.  Plus, with my sleeve surgery I EAT less too!

    I’m kinda in this predicament now. I really have to watch my spending, and my group chose a nice place to go to.  I’m bringing cash though. And sticking to my limit (this means NO drinks for me!).  So when its time to pay, I’m throwing my cash in and the other three can divvy up 1/3 of it.  Can LW do that? Even if it means water and an app - at least she’s out conversing? 

    Edit: words

    charlotte989875
  • I did this a lot in my 20s, I would go out and just have a coffee or beer, maybe a small app if I could/had time. Then I would pay as I go, rather than run a tab. That way I could make an easy get away and wouldn't get pulled into over paying.
    charlotte989875mrsconn23ei34
  • I did this a lot in my 20s, I would go out and just have a coffee or beer, maybe a small app if I could/had time. Then I would pay as I go, rather than run a tab. That way I could make an easy get away and wouldn't get pulled into over paying.
    I feel like I've done this too.  If dinner is really late, we eat before we go (because I'm hungry when I'm hungry and don't want to wait until 8:30 at night) and just order dessert or drinks. 
    imageimage
  • Me too @missJeanLouise and @kerbohl.  Also ditto carrying cash.  I earned similarly to my friends but my longterm saving goals were different.  I'm imagining LW being young enough that FOMO is still strong..they are in a tough spot, especially if the friend group is hard to convince to do free or less expensive things. 
    kerbohlcharlotte989875short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • While I agree with everyone's comments, I also think the LW needs to start becoming more comfortable with their own company.  Perhaps finding free/low cost projects that will keep them entertained at home.

    I get the impression that there isn't much balance right now.  That this isn't just Fri. and Sat. night we're talking about.  It's most nights.  So they can also start setting parameters, depending on their goals.  Like, Fri. and Sat. night are open for more spendy excursions, if that is what their friends are doing.  But the rest of the week they stick to only the lower cost nights and/or go for Happy Hour, but then head home instead of going out to dinner.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ei34
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 10
    So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 10
    So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    That's obnoxious.  :/  (ETA:  The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.) 
    levioosa
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    That's obnoxious.  :/  (ETA:  The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.) 
    Thats what I thought.  In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there).  But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them.  I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup.  Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7.  And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

    uh.  No. No I’m not.  I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating.  Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around).  Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked. 

  • So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    I'd bring this up.  If you didn't participate or ask for the appetizers, nor did you EAT the appetizers then why should you be expected to PAY for the appetizers? 

    You don't look cheap - they do.   I'd spin that shit around pretty quickly.    


    levioosa
  • mrsconn23 said:
    So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    That's obnoxious.  :/  (ETA:  The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.) 
    Thats what I thought.  In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there).  But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them.  I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup.  Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7.  And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

    uh.  No. No I’m not.  I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating.  Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around).  Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked. 
    Just want to say i'm sorry.  That group was obnoxious to you and this is a huge pet peeve of mine when dining out with groups.  
    short+sassy
  • mrsconn23 said:
    So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    That's obnoxious.  :/  (ETA:  The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.) 
    Thats what I thought.  In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there).  But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them.  I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup.  Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7.  And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

    uh.  No. No I’m not.  I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating.  Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around).  Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked. 
    Why can't you tell them that what they're doing is asking you to pay for what they ate?  

    Can you talk to them before any other group outing?  IMO you don't get to bully your way to a lower bar tab but keep the communication clear: "Hey guys.   I'm not eating as much this time and I am prepared to pay for my portion of the drinks and what I eat but if the expectation is that we split the bill equally even if I don't eat what you guys do I think I may have to sit out next time." 
  • So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    Urg that's awful they're treating you like that, especially since surgery.
    I mean since you agreed to one app, it'd be different if they ordered large instead of small to suffice everyone.
    But to expect payment when you didn't eat much? Fuck them.
  • mrsconn23 said:
    So I’m bringing this up again.

    brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered.  But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat.  But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.   :(
    That's obnoxious.  :/  (ETA:  The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.) 
    Thats what I thought.  In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there).  But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them.  I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup.  Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7.  And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

    uh.  No. No I’m not.  I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating.  Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around).  Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked. 
    So rude. My friends and I usually do just split equally but if someone doesn’t actually share equally (for us, usually because she’s pregnant) we obviously change that!
    short+sassy
  • I had this happen on a group dinner with people I didn't know that well.  A sorority alumni group I was part of for a few years.  TBH, I was the "poor" gal, just a couple years out of college while almost everyone else was 10-20 years older than me and I suspect much better off.  Since it was a pretty pricy restaurant, my date and I avoided the appetizers and just ordered entrees to keep our bill lower.

    Then the "group" decided at the end...I didn't say anything either way...that we were all going to split the check evenly.  I was a little dismayed but, it was okay, I wasn't going to rock the boat.

    Then, this other woman from one of the couples, chimed in that splitting it evenly wasn't fair.  And specifically pointed out that me and my date had cocktails and they didn't.  WTF!?! While (I guess) this couple hadn't had cocktails...other people at the table had.  Yet we were the ones specifically called out by her.  BTW, her and her H did have appetizers.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that if there had been split checks, mine would have been the lowest.  Yet she had the GALL to try and insist I pay more.

    Before I could even point out that my date and I hadn't ordered any appetizers, other people at the table jumped to our defense and said our bill wasn't any higher than anyone else's.  And essentially told her (nicely) to stop being difficult.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That’s super rude @CharmedPam. I would never expect someone to split for something they didn’t eat. Even today I went out with a friend and I ordered an app. She had some but we didn’t go into the app deciding to share so I figured it wasn’t her responsibility to pay. I got it and offered to share. Your friends were being shitty. 


    image
    CharmedPamcharlotte989875short+sassy
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards