You don't have to say 'yes' to every invitation.

mrsconn23 · September 2019

Dear Prudence,

All of my friends in my city make more money than I do. We go out a lot, sometimes to casual places and sometimes to really nice ones. However, I’ve realized I need to curb my spending habits, which lands me in quite a predicament. How do I choose between going out with my friends and saving money? They’re not ridiculously extravagant, and sometimes we do go to pretty low-key establishments. And sometimes it’s easy, like, if we’re just getting drinks, I can just drink less. But sometimes it’s not easy, and when I have to choose, I get even more anxious—either I’m spending money I shouldn’t be spending, or I’m sitting home alone while my friends are out. For instance, the other night, we were out for happy hour and deciding where to go for dinner. They decided on a slightly expensive place, and I was faced with spending the money or going home and being sad I was missing out. I don’t think it’s very fair for me to try to convince them to stay away from pricey places. I can’t fault them for being in better financial positions than me. So how do I cope?

—Money or Friends

mrsconn23 · September 2019

This is so hard. I remember buying a house in my early 20's and realizing how fast my going out had to drop off. Getting into a relationship with DH helped, since bar-hopping and dancing with randos was not going to happen with him around. Now, I want nothing more than to have people over to the house and not have to go anywhere. But I digress.

I think LW just needs to decide what's important, save or continue to spend money they don't feel they have to have their social life. And maybe it's something where they slowly back off, 1 night here and there. Or they find out their friends are hitting up a pricey place, they bow out for that time. I think they could safely say, "Hey, I've got some expenses coming up and I need to back off going out."

Another thought, if LW has the space in the place they call home, they could start hosting a 'byob(ottle)' party once in awhile and still have the social interaction without the expense. Also, LW could look for some sort of meet-up for people that have a similar interest or hobby to LW that doesn't cost as much or anything, so they can find more people to socialize with and not continue to bleed money.

MissKittyDanger · September 2019

LW could potentially venture into asking to do more home things. If the friends don't know or if LW doesn't wanna get into finances, could use the excuse of "I just wanna enjoy the company without the crowd for a bit. I'm feeling lowkey"

VarunaTT · September 2019

I don't think LW needs to be embarrassed by this. "Hey, that's out of my price range right now for me to meet some financial goals" is a super adult decision and one that should be respected. I've changed my plans b/c a friend told me this, b/c it was more important to me to hang out with my friend, than it was to go to a certain locale or even to go out. I respect it and have to make the same decision myself sometimes.

kerbohl · September 2019

LW could also start recommending places more often. There is a lot of free stuff to do that is still fun.
I do have this issue with my ILs. We've just had to have the adult conversation of "hey, this place is a bit pricey, can we go to Y place instead?" And it isn't even that we can't afford it most of the time, it's that we don't like paying huge amounts of money for fancy food that we aren't really getting a lot out of anyway.

levioosa · September 2019

That FOMO though.

I get it. It’s hard to cut down on going out. At the same time now that I’m older I’m all about having people over instead of putting in the effort of getting ready and going out.

CharmedPam · September 2019

I wonder how things are paid? Some groups just throw in a credit card no matter what was consumed. We do this in our group and I’m always the one over paying. They usually have a drink or more than I do - and go for the seafoody/expensive dishes. Plus, with my sleeve surgery I EAT less too!

I’m kinda in this predicament now. I really have to watch my spending, and my group chose a nice place to go to. I’m bringing cash though. And sticking to my limit (this means NO drinks for me!). So when its time to pay, I’m throwing my cash in and the other three can divvy up 1/3 of it. Can LW do that? Even if it means water and an app - at least she’s out conversing?

Edit: words

missJeanLouise · September 2019

I did this a lot in my 20s, I would go out and just have a coffee or beer, maybe a small app if I could/had time. Then I would pay as I go, rather than run a tab. That way I could make an easy get away and wouldn't get pulled into over paying.

kerbohl · September 2019

missJeanLouise said:

I did this a lot in my 20s, I would go out and just have a coffee or beer, maybe a small app if I could/had time. Then I would pay as I go, rather than run a tab. That way I could make an easy get away and wouldn't get pulled into over paying.

I feel like I've done this too. If dinner is really late, we eat before we go (because I'm hungry when I'm hungry and don't want to wait until 8:30 at night) and just order dessert or drinks.

ei34 · September 2019

Me too @missJeanLouise and @kerbohl. Also ditto carrying cash. I earned similarly to my friends but my longterm saving goals were different. I'm imagining LW being young enough that FOMO is still strong..they are in a tough spot, especially if the friend group is hard to convince to do free or less expensive things.

short+sassy · September 2019

While I agree with everyone's comments, I also think the LW needs to start becoming more comfortable with their own company. Perhaps finding free/low cost projects that will keep them entertained at home.

I get the impression that there isn't much balance right now. That this isn't just Fri. and Sat. night we're talking about. It's most nights. So they can also start setting parameters, depending on their goals. Like, Fri. and Sat. night are open for more spendy excursions, if that is what their friends are doing. But the rest of the week they stick to only the lower cost nights and/or go for Happy Hour, but then head home instead of going out to dinner.

CharmedPam · October 2019

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

mrsconn23 · October 2019

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

That's obnoxious.

(ETA: The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.)

CharmedPam · October 2019

mrsconn23 said:

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

That's obnoxious. (ETA: The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.)

Thats what I thought. In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there). But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them. I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup. Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7. And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

uh. No. No I’m not. I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating. Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around). Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked.

banana468 · October 2019

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

I'd bring this up. If you didn't participate or ask for the appetizers, nor did you EAT the appetizers then why should you be expected to PAY for the appetizers?

You don't look cheap - they do. I'd spin that shit around pretty quickly.

Casadena · October 2019

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

That's obnoxious. (ETA: The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.)

Thats what I thought. In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there). But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them. I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup. Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7. And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

uh. No. No I’m not. I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating. Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around). Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked.

Just want to say i'm sorry. That group was obnoxious to you and this is a huge pet peeve of mine when dining out with groups.

banana468 · October 2019

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

That's obnoxious. (ETA: The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.)

Thats what I thought. In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there). But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them. I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup. Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7. And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

uh. No. No I’m not. I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating. Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around). Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked.

Why can't you tell them that what they're doing is asking you to pay for what they ate?

Can you talk to them before any other group outing? IMO you don't get to bully your way to a lower bar tab but keep the communication clear: "Hey guys. I'm not eating as much this time and I am prepared to pay for my portion of the drinks and what I eat but if the expectation is that we split the bill equally even if I don't eat what you guys do I think I may have to sit out next time."

MissKittyDanger · October 2019

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

Urg that's awful they're treating you like that, especially since surgery.
I mean since you agreed to one app, it'd be different if they ordered large instead of small to suffice everyone.
But to expect payment when you didn't eat much? Fuck them.

STARMOON44 · October 2019

CharmedPam said:

mrsconn23 said:

CharmedPam said:

So I’m bringing this up again.

brought cash to a group dinner and just threw in for what I ate/ordered. But I was expected to chip in for ALL appetizers, even the ones I didn’t eat. But I didn’t. And now I look cheap.

That's obnoxious. (ETA: The expectation of paying for things you didn't eat.)

Thats what I thought. In the past I could eat and drink with them so we all just pooled our cc’s in and split the cards 3 or 4 ways (depending on who was there). But since my sleeve I cant keep up with them. I agreed to cheese curds but not the pretzels, fries or soup. Yet after I threw my money in I was told I need another $7. And then “Pam’s making out like a bandit”.

uh. No. No I’m not. I’m glad you aren’t paying attention to what I’m eating but your also not paying attention to what I’m NOT eating. Last time this happened to me I decided to bring cash with me next time (this time around). Guess I’ll shut up and pay if I wanted to continue to be asked.

So rude. My friends and I usually do just split equally but if someone doesn’t actually share equally (for us, usually because she’s pregnant) we obviously change that!

short+sassy · October 2019

I had this happen on a group dinner with people I didn't know that well. A sorority alumni group I was part of for a few years. TBH, I was the "poor" gal, just a couple years out of college while almost everyone else was 10-20 years older than me and I suspect much better off. Since it was a pretty pricy restaurant, my date and I avoided the appetizers and just ordered entrees to keep our bill lower.

Then the "group" decided at the end...I didn't say anything either way...that we were all going to split the check evenly. I was a little dismayed but, it was okay, I wasn't going to rock the boat.

Then, this other woman from one of the couples, chimed in that splitting it evenly wasn't fair. And specifically pointed out that me and my date had cocktails and they didn't. WTF!?! While (I guess) this couple hadn't had cocktails...other people at the table had. Yet we were the ones specifically called out by her. BTW, her and her H did have appetizers. There isn't a doubt in my mind that if there had been split checks, mine would have been the lowest. Yet she had the GALL to try and insist I pay more.

Before I could even point out that my date and I hadn't ordered any appetizers, other people at the table jumped to our defense and said our bill wasn't any higher than anyone else's. And essentially told her (nicely) to stop being difficult.

levioosa · October 2019

That’s super rude @CharmedPam. I would never expect someone to split for something they didn’t eat. Even today I went out with a friend and I ordered an app. She had some but we didn’t go into the app deciding to share so I figured it wasn’t her responsibility to pay. I got it and offered to share. Your friends were being shitty.

You don't have to say 'yes' to every invitation.

Re: You don't have to say 'yes' to every invitation.

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