Wedding Woes

DTMFA

Dear Prudence,

I am a woman in her late 20s, employed full time in the nonprofit sector. A few years ago, my partner and I survived a car crash together caused by a distracted driver. My partner emerged unscathed, but I sustained severe injuries that necessitated multiple surgeries, weeks in the hospital and rehabilitation, and years of ongoing physical therapy, as well as psychotherapy to address PTSD, anger, grief, and anxiety. One of the few “positives” of this horrible chapter in my life was obtaining a modest settlement. It was enough to pay off my car and student loans and still have five figures left over in savings. My parents had privately advised that I not pay off my partner’s student loans, as we are not engaged or married and had only been dating for six months at the time of the accident.

My partner is a state employee and makes a little more than I do. He has a similar amount of debt from college and his car. He spends frivolously and then complains about his credit card bill. Now that I have paid off my debts with my settlement, he has decided that I am “better off” than he is and expects me to be his “sugar mama.” When I push back, he throws it in my face that I have no debt and that he’s a public servant who “really makes less than [me]” because he has to pay off his loans. How do I make him understand that I only paid off my debt by having to go through hell and that I don’t appreciate being made out to be an heiress, when I am just a nonprofit employee with a tiny salary? I would gladly take back my old self and my old debts if I could. I didn’t ask for this “wealth.”

—Boyfriend’s Jealous of Car Crash Settlement

Re: DTMFA

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,

    I am a woman in her late 20s, employed full time in the nonprofit sector. A few years ago, my partner and I survived a car crash together caused by a distracted driver. My partner emerged unscathed, but I sustained severe injuries that necessitated multiple surgeries, weeks in the hospital and rehabilitation, and years of ongoing physical therapy, as well as psychotherapy to address PTSD, anger, grief, and anxiety. One of the few “positives” of this horrible chapter in my life was obtaining a modest settlement. It was enough to pay off my car and student loans and still have five figures left over in savings. My parents had privately advised that I not pay off my partner’s student loans, as we are not engaged or married and had only been dating for six months at the time of the accident.

    My partner is a state employee and makes a little more than I do. He has a similar amount of debt from college and his car. He spends frivolously and then complains about his credit card bill. Now that I have paid off my debts with my settlement, he has decided that I am “better off” than he is and expects me to be his “sugar mama.” When I push back, he throws it in my face that I have no debt and that he’s a public servant who “really makes less than [me]” because he has to pay off his loans. How do I make him understand that I only paid off my debt by having to go through hell and that I don’t appreciate being made out to be an heiress, when I am just a nonprofit employee with a tiny salary? I would gladly take back my old self and my old debts if I could. I didn’t ask for this “wealth.”

    —Boyfriend’s Jealous of Car Crash Settlement

    You need to have a seriously long talk with this boyfriend but FWIW, this is not looking like a positive relationship.

    I'd be pretty clear that you have separate finances, you have a settlement from an accident and you aren't going to finance the lifestyle he wants simply because he knows what you have in the bank.  

    And frankly what I'd do now is that if you're living together I'd look for a new place that's yours.   Because I would not engage in any long term relationship with someone who took this attitude.   If this is happening at the beginning of a relationship this bullshit lack of accountability and resentment is going to be much worse if you enter into bigger commitments like home ownership, car buying, child rearing or even having a kitten.  
    VarunaTTcharlotte989875short+sassysparklepants41
  • A spouse should never use finances over someone's head. That's just rude and uncalled for.

    M makes more than me. That's just the nature of his job. Our finances are separate as well, but we both contribute equally to our finances. Has M or WOULD M ever hold the fact he makes more over my head? Fuck. No.
    Have we talked about temporary financial adjustments so I can pay my student loans faster? Yes, and I would never ask him to pay them.

    Accident or not. Someone shouldn't be required to pay someone else's bills. {if LW offered, that would be besides the point}
    short+sassy
  • Fuck this guy.  Get out. 
    charlotte989875
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Dump this fucking asshole. 

    charlotte989875
  • Get out. Now. Because if he’s using this against you now he will do it in the future. I find it particularly terrible that he was with the LW, saw what they went through, and are still acting this way. Eff no. Get out. 
    short+sassy
  • Applause to her wise parents!  I'm so glad she has been listening to them.

    His poor spending habits and sense of entitlement are major red flags for wanting a long-term future with this guy.  But, if she's not quite sick of him yet, then she needs to at least establish some ground rules.

    Like, "Look!  Your debts and expenses are your debts and expenses.  I'll help you put together a budget to help you with staying on track and getting ahead.  But this topic is closed because I find your request outrageous.  The little bit of money I have left from my settlement is going to future medical bills/retirement/future house/burn it for fuel in a f**king bonfire if I feel like it."
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    CharmedPamOliveOilsMom
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    At first I thought LW was going to ask how to pay for all these things and not feel guilty but I’m glad she’s standing her ground.

    that’s your money not his.  And quite frankly, a big red flag for finances in the future if he spends frivolously.  

    charlotte989875short+sassyOliveOilsMom
  • Applause to her wise parents!  I'm so glad she has been listening to them.

    His poor spending habits and sense of entitlement are major red flags for wanting a long-term future with this guy.  But, if she's not quite sick of him yet, then she needs to at least establish some ground rules.

    Like, "Look!  Your debts and expenses are your debts and expenses.  I'll help you put together a budget to help you with staying on track and getting ahead.  But this topic is closed because I find your request outrageous.  The little bit of money I have left from my settlement is going to future medical bills/retirement/future house/burn it for fuel in a f**king bonfire if I feel like it."
    Bolded. Especially last part. Cackling!!
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!" 

    Finances are the #1 reason for splits, and if there isn't a ring on it, now's the time to make that split because they aren't ever going to be financially compatible!
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