Not your home, not your children...so there's not much you can do.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

We have three girls, ages 9 to 12. Our youngest has a friend “Mia.” Mia is a sweet girl, but her mother is a nutcase. Mia can’t do anything or go anywhere without her 7-year-old brother, “Mike.” Mike is autistic. It isn’t a problem with barbecues or if there are other kids running around, but Mia is entering sleepover territory with our girls. Our girls want her to spend the night, but Mia’s mom refuses unless Mike comes. The girls have very little to do with Mike, and we would end up entertaining him separately all night. My husband suggested their mother just wants to get free babysitting, but she is adamant that Mia and Mike are a duo act only.

Mia has gotten to the point of tears in my presence because she can’t come over or enjoy her friends without her brother. She has confessed she hates Mike and hates her mom for loving him more than her. I reassured Mia her mom loves her, but in my own private opinion, Mike is the priority in that family. Our oldest turns 13 in January and wants to go to a concert. We are getting tickets, but obviously we will not be paying for Mike. How do we navigate this with Mia’s mom and our own girls?

—No Boys Allowed

charlotte989875

I would try and talk to the mom one on one about the concert. Explain that you would like to invite Mia to the concert (and pay!) but that Mia will be the only one invited. The Mom can decide whether or not she will let Mia attend. 

I get the “her house, her rules” but this Mom is trying to make rules for other people’s houses about who is invited. That’s not cool. 

OliveOilsMom

It does sound like Mia's mom is trying to get some free babysitting from anyone who is willing to invite Mia over for a playdate.  I do think that LW needs to push back a bit, being firm that when she makes an invitation for Mia, it is only for Mia. 

I would even explain to the mom that when Mike is also brought over, he spends time only with LW and her H, not the girls.  I would also try to advocate for Mia's position that she has wished for times when she doesn't have to have Mike tag along on playdates too.

Then I would explain that your girls want to start inviting Mia over for sleep overs, without Mike.  Also tell the mom that your daughter wanted to invite Mia to a concert that you would take them to, without Mike.  Then let the mom decide what she will do, because ultimately it is her decision, LW just gets to choose if she wants to go along with it in her home.  

banana468

My guess is that this isn't free babysitting and instead that Mia's mom is trying to socialize her other child who faces so many challenges and does not want to hear that it's to the detriment of her child that is not autistic.

I have multiple issues with this then:
-LW is pretty callous to call the mom a nutcase if she has not discussed anything intimately with the mom one on one.
-Mia's mom needs help navigating what it means to parent someone with autism and someone who is not on the spectrum.   There's going to come a time that they can't do all things together just like my own two aren't a paired deal.

But all the LW can do at this point is be nice to Mia's mom and also advise what she is will to and not willing to do. "Hey we are wanting to arrange for a girl's sleepover.   Is Mia able to stay over Friday?  No, this is just a girl's event. "  

Eventually Mia's going to be more vocal about this and will start asserting herself to her mom.   LW can plan events but she is not Mia's auxiliary parent. 

levioosa

I feel really bad for Mia. There is definitely a psychological hit that comes with being the “healthy” child, whether it is because a sibling deals with physical issues, or whether it’s due to developmental, behavioral, or mental health issues. Kids don’t know how to reconcile that attention difference and instead internalize it. “Mom doesn’t love me as much....I’m not as important.” I’m sure mom means well and is trying to make sure that Mike is also getting to attend social events. But Mia needs time to be herself too. Forcing her to always be a “duo” will eventually result in resentment and internalized insecurity issues. LW is being super harsh and calling someone a “nutcase” because they want their autistic child to be accepted into social groups is callous and short sighted. I’m guessing all of LW’s children are neurotypical and physically well. They need to have way more empathy. I would make an effort to get to know Mia’s mom, because it sounds like she might not have a great social support system either and it opens up better avenues to discuss social outings. In the mean time, it’s not wrong to put boundaries on when events are for Mia specifically. 

short+sassy

I think this can be a two-pronged approach.  Where appropriate, like BBQs the LW mentioned, make a point to invite both Mia and Mike.  Or even the whole family.

As for M+M's mom, that would depend on how close our friendship is.  Though it doesn't sound like it is much, outside of being neighbors with similar-aged children.  If we were closer friends, I might have a bit of a CTJ...albeit a careful one...talk with her.  Because, here's the thing...not even talking abut Mike's disability...children want to establish their own group of friends and don't want their sibling always hanging around.  I loved my younger sister and we played well together.  But I would have flipped TF out if my mom would have always made me bring her with me when I went to friend's house.

Either way, I would keep inviting Mia to events...though not in Mia's presence...but be clear when the invitation does or does not include Mike.  I think a sleepover and the concert are good examples of when it would be perfectly reasonable that Mike is not invited.  The reasons given can be like, "We told the girls they can invite 6 friends.  We'd love for Mia to come.  Our treat."  If something is said about Mike then, "I'm sorry, the invitation is only for Mia."

Or for a sleepover, it's also perfectly reasonable to say, "I'm sorry, but it will be a girls' night.  The invitation is only for Mia."

Of course, the mother is still well within her rights to refuse, unless Mike can go also.  Just like it is also fine for the LW to say, "Sorry, for this event, we can only invite Mia."  But if the LW stops asking and only assumes, Mia will never be free from her brother always tagging along.

MesmrEwe

Special Needs Moms are unique sometimes because they're always "on" and NEVER get an "off".  My guess is good intent of getting Mike socialized but the negative unintended consequence is that she's creating resentment in Mia because she's not allowing Mia the opportunity for learning normal socializing with her peers sans her brother.  The secondary gain is - free babysitting because Mia is likely also responsible at home for entertaining Mike.  It's not that friends don't want Mike there, at all, it's a girl's party that's age appropriate.  Mike may not understand why Mia's going to a friend's house, but what happens when Mia joins the girl's sports team and Mike isn't, or is the Mom going to selectively exclude Mia from extracurricular activities.  

This is a tread lightly area because it's a landmine issue for SN Moms, OTOH, it's the balance of they need to sometimes be reminded that the non-SN child NEEDS to have those developmentally normal opportunities.  It's a CTJ and she'll be resented for a while by the Mom but ultimately it'll be a "I didn't even think about that.." because of the blinders of just constantly being "on!"