Wedding Party

HELP! Maid of Honor Dilemma

kjwinkjwin member
First Comment
edited December 2019 in Wedding Party
Can't decide how to proceed with this, so figured I'd ask here. I have a best friend who I met in college who was my closest friend for many years. We have been through college fun, young professionals starting our careers, dating casually, I was her maid of honor at her wedding, etc. She has always disagreed with people I've dated; never liked them. I started dating my now fiance about 1.5 years ago and things started off very hot and heavy. In the spring, several people (when confronted, my friend as well) let me know they weren't sure that he was right for me as they didn't trust him. When I asked why, they had noticed he had exaggerated a few stories. It was tough to hear as I was head over heels for him, but I listened. I paid attention, talked to him a lot, and it really helped us grow. I trust him 100%. Everything brought up was very superfluous exaggerations (ie: used the words owning a home when he had actually been renting to buy, but never bought it because he moved) but nothing that was truly concerning which is why I didn't totally understand why it led people to feel that he wasn't trustworthy. I never felt unsure about his honesty or integrity. 

Fast forward 6 months, we got engaged and I am still head over heels for him. I am super excited and honestly I guess my friend just faked it well when I called to let her know about the engagement. It has been almost 2 months since we got engaged, and I finally started planning my wedding party. I gave her a "proposal box" last night and she responded with umm...yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you about that. I don't know how "involved" I want to be in your day, you know how I feel about him.

I was SHOCKED. She had stated her opinion previously and honestly I thought that it had improved, but this is the rest of my life we're talking about. I guess I never thought she would decline supporting me and being there for me as I entered into a lifelong commitment. If she really loves me as a person, even if she thinks I am making the wrong decision, she should support me no matter what. At this point, I don't even know if I want her at my wedding or in my life. I'm not sure what to do.

Re: HELP! Maid of Honor Dilemma

  • Your friend has told you the truth about how she feels. Would you rather that she lie? That's not what a friend does. She might have kept quiet previously because she was hoping you'd see the light about your fiance and saw no point in intervening if the relationship wasn't going anywhere. But now that you are engaged, she is actually demonstrating her integrity by not pretending to go along with a marriage she has serious doubts about.

    You should listen to your friends. Lying about owning a home is serious, because it suggests that your fiance is better off than he is. And why would he even feel the need to tell a lie about this? What else is he lying about? I know you are head over heels, but before you make a commitment like this, be sure he is who you think he is.
    short+sassy
  • The fact that several people other than this friend have felt the need to mention to you that your fiance tends to lie/exaggerate makes me think this is something you should be more worried about than you are. We're not talking here about making some football game sound more exciting than it was. He said he owned a home when he was actually renting it. There's a HUGE difference between the two, not to mention a really odd thing to exaggerate. I'd be curious to know what other exaggerations/lies these people were referring to. 

    It sounds to me like your friend was just being honest about what she considers a legitimate concern regarding your fiance....a concern that other people apparently share. I think before you make any further decisions about the wedding, you need to really evaluate your relationship with your fiance and be honest with yourself about how honest he's being with you.


    image
    sparklepants41short+sassy
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It's really, really hard to express concerns when you see a good friend with someone who raises red flags. The fact that this friend has been willing to do that instead of staying silent shows that she really is a good friend. It does sound like your FI has some red flags, especially considering this friend is not the only one to express concerns.

    At this point, you've invited her to be MOH, it's up to her to decide if she wants to or not, assuming you decide to go ahead with this wedding in spite of the flags. Appreciate her for being the good friend who is honest even when it is hard, instead of being the weak friend that would cheer you off a cliff. Follow her lead on how she wants to be involved, and keep the friendship alive outside of the wedding. 
    short+sassymaine7mobcharlotte989875
  • kjwinkjwin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2019
    To clear something up: this friend wasn't just staying silent nor was I saying she can't express her opinion and she did just that; over 6 months ago. I do appreciate I've given you little information to go on, I'm asking for advice which can be hard to do. When this happened, the concerns were essentially brought up by the people all speaking to one another (ie: all texting each other) so it was essentially the same stories from multiple people. But, I did take them seriously..I worked with my counselor and really took a step back to consider and ensure this was the right relationship for me. After all of that, he and I moved forward. I don't that his exaggerations were fully intentional to "lie" but more impress everyone. He really took a look inward and has worked on himself, as well. He has always been very honest with me regarding his financial and other history (yes, I'm sure and most everything I've had it confirmed through conversations with his friends, family) and I do trust him. I did re-evaluate the whole relationship when the initial concerns came up. That was why my expectation was not to rehash this. Not that she isn't entitled to her opinion, but I also am entitled to mine. I expect her as my friend to respect and support me in that.
  • You asked her and she can choose to accept or decline, her reason doesn't have to be one you like.  Your friend carries her own set of values and beliefs from you, hers is to not be involved in a wedding to which she may not support.   The question is whether or not to keep the friendship and that's only something you can answer.  OTOH, is your value vs her value a hill to die on at this point or is it something that may mellow with time.

    Your posts do raise a few flags.  Please do Pre-marital counseling!  It's something recommended for all couples, but especially when there are potential flags with friends/family not being supportive of especially things they can see objectively as outsiders regardless of what those things might be.   One never knows, you may notice some of the things they're referring to as the premarital process moves along.  I'm guessing it's not a lie about home ownership vs. a RTO vs. renting as the only situation, just the one that was a pretty big picture glaring at them when they found out as it speaks to financial security and responsibility which is something that becomes one of the top two reasons that couples separate.  Premarital counseling will go through "forcing topics" like kids/no kids, finances, "rules of engagement" for arguments, conflict resolution, boundaries, boundaries within the marriage, etc.  Plan the marriage more than the wedding!


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kjwin said:
    To clear something up: this friend wasn't just staying silent nor was I saying she can't express her opinion and she did just that; over 6 months ago. I do appreciate I've given you little information to go on, I'm asking for advice which can be hard to do. When this happened, the concerns were essentially brought up by the people all speaking to one another (ie: all texting each other) so it was essentially the same stories from multiple people. But, I did take them seriously..I worked with my counselor and really took a step back to consider and ensure this was the right relationship for me. After all of that, he and I moved forward. I don't that his exaggerations were fully intentional to "lie" but more impress everyone. He really took a look inward and has worked on himself, as well. He has always been very honest with me regarding his financial and other history (yes, I'm sure and most everything I've had it confirmed through conversations with his friends, family) and I do trust him. I did re-evaluate the whole relationship when the initial concerns came up. That was why my expectation was not to rehash this. Not that she isn't entitled to her opinion, but I also am entitled to mine. I expect her as my friend to respect and support me in that.
    Not trying to nitpick here, but this need to impress is equally concerning.  Would/will he be the type to spend money unwisely in the future just to impress?  I find the need to impress a dangerous need to have. 
    I agree with everyone else who suggests premarital counseling, whether through a secular or religious avenue, is a wise path to take.
    climbingwifeMesmrEwe
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kjwin said:
    To clear something up: this friend wasn't just staying silent nor was I saying she can't express her opinion and she did just that; over 6 months ago. I do appreciate I've given you little information to go on, I'm asking for advice which can be hard to do. When this happened, the concerns were essentially brought up by the people all speaking to one another (ie: all texting each other) so it was essentially the same stories from multiple people. But, I did take them seriously..I worked with my counselor and really took a step back to consider and ensure this was the right relationship for me. After all of that, he and I moved forward. I don't that his exaggerations were fully intentional to "lie" but more impress everyone. He really took a look inward and has worked on himself, as well. He has always been very honest with me regarding his financial and other history (yes, I'm sure and most everything I've had it confirmed through conversations with his friends, family) and I do trust him. I did re-evaluate the whole relationship when the initial concerns came up. That was why my expectation was not to rehash this. Not that she isn't entitled to her opinion, but I also am entitled to mine. I expect her as my friend to respect and support me in that.
    You asked for advice, and you got it. Repeating mine below. This is not a dilemma for you to solve. You've invited her, she can decide whether she wants to accept or decline. 

    At this point, you've invited her to be MOH, it's up to her to decide if she wants to or not, assuming you decide to go ahead with this wedding in spite of the flags. Appreciate her for being the good friend who is honest even when it is hard, instead of being the weak friend that would cheer you off a cliff. Follow her lead on how she wants to be involved, and keep the friendship alive outside of the wedding. 
    MesmrEweshort+sassy
  • There isn’t much for you to do from here; you asked, she declined. She disagrees with the marriage and it sounds like she expressed this calmly, and directly to you. Just because you’re close friends doesn’t mean she has to support every single thing you do— that’s not a real friendship. You don’t have to agree with her, but she did the right thing here; she was honest with you and told you directly. 

    What I’d do? Invite her to the wedding. Tell her you’d love for her to be involved if she wants and if she doesn’t you’d still love for her to attend. You say she is your best friend, I think she was trying to be a good friend here too. 
    MesmrEweshort+sassy
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards