HELP! Maid of Honor Dilemma

kjwin · December 2019

Can't decide how to proceed with this, so figured I'd ask here. I have a best friend who I met in college who was my closest friend for many years. We have been through college fun, young professionals starting our careers, dating casually, I was her maid of honor at her wedding, etc. She has always disagreed with people I've dated; never liked them. I started dating my now fiance about 1.5 years ago and things started off very hot and heavy. In the spring, several people (when confronted, my friend as well) let me know they weren't sure that he was right for me as they didn't trust him. When I asked why, they had noticed he had exaggerated a few stories. It was tough to hear as I was head over heels for him, but I listened. I paid attention, talked to him a lot, and it really helped us grow. I trust him 100%. Everything brought up was very superfluous exaggerations (ie: used the words owning a home when he had actually been renting to buy, but never bought it because he moved) but nothing that was truly concerning which is why I didn't totally understand why it led people to feel that he wasn't trustworthy. I never felt unsure about his honesty or integrity.

Fast forward 6 months, we got engaged and I am still head over heels for him. I am super excited and honestly I guess my friend just faked it well when I called to let her know about the engagement. It has been almost 2 months since we got engaged, and I finally started planning my wedding party. I gave her a "proposal box" last night and she responded with umm...yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you about that. I don't know how "involved" I want to be in your day, you know how I feel about him.

I was SHOCKED. She had stated her opinion previously and honestly I thought that it had improved, but this is the rest of my life we're talking about. I guess I never thought she would decline supporting me and being there for me as I entered into a lifelong commitment. If she really loves me as a person, even if she thinks I am making the wrong decision, she should support me no matter what. At this point, I don't even know if I want her at my wedding or in my life. I'm not sure what to do.

climbingsingle · December 2019

kjwin said:

Can't decide how to proceed with this, so figured I'd ask here. I have a best friend who I met in college who was my closest friend for many years. We have been through college fun, young professionals starting our careers, dating casually, I was her maid of honor at her wedding, etc. She has always disagreed with people I've dated; never liked them. I started dating my now fiance about 1.5 years ago and things started off very hot and heavy. In the spring, several people (when confronted, my friend as well) let me know they weren't sure that he was right for me as they didn't trust him. When I asked why, they had noticed he had exaggerated a few stories. It was tough to hear as I was head over heels for him, but I listened. I paid attention, talked to him a lot, and it really helped us grow. I trust him 100%. Everything brought up was very superfluous exaggerations (ie: used the words owning a home when he had actually been renting to buy, but never bought it because he moved) but nothing that was truly concerning which is why I didn't totally understand why it led people to feel that he wasn't trustworthy. I never felt unsure about his honesty or integrity.

Fast forward 6 months, we got engaged and I am still head over heels for him. I am super excited and honestly I guess my friend just faked it well when I called to let her know about the engagement. It has been almost 2 months since we got engaged, and I finally started planning my wedding party. I gave her a "proposal box" last night and she responded with umm...yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you about that. I don't know how "involved" I want to be in your day, you know how I feel about him.

I was SHOCKED. She had stated her opinion previously and honestly I thought that it had improved, but this is the rest of my life we're talking about. I guess I never thought she would decline supporting me and being there for me as I entered into a lifelong commitment. If she really loves me as a person, even if she thinks I am making the wrong decision, she should support me no matter what. At this point, I don't even know if I want her at my wedding or in my life. I'm not sure what to do.

So, I'm just going to throw this out there first. Several people expressed their concern about your partner, not just your best friend, right? He lied about owning a home. However way you want to phrase it, it's still a lie. What else did he lie about? Why wasn't that a red flag for you?

Would you rather your friend lie to your face, and stand up next to you all the while wishing you weren't marrying him? I think it's actually pretty great that she's being honest with you. That's a true friend.

banana468 · December 2019

climbingwife said:

kjwin said:

Can't decide how to proceed with this, so figured I'd ask here. I have a best friend who I met in college who was my closest friend for many years. We have been through college fun, young professionals starting our careers, dating casually, I was her maid of honor at her wedding, etc. She has always disagreed with people I've dated; never liked them. I started dating my now fiance about 1.5 years ago and things started off very hot and heavy. In the spring, several people (when confronted, my friend as well) let me know they weren't sure that he was right for me as they didn't trust him. When I asked why, they had noticed he had exaggerated a few stories. It was tough to hear as I was head over heels for him, but I listened. I paid attention, talked to him a lot, and it really helped us grow. I trust him 100%. Everything brought up was very superfluous exaggerations (ie: used the words owning a home when he had actually been renting to buy, but never bought it because he moved) but nothing that was truly concerning which is why I didn't totally understand why it led people to feel that he wasn't trustworthy. I never felt unsure about his honesty or integrity.

Fast forward 6 months, we got engaged and I am still head over heels for him. I am super excited and honestly I guess my friend just faked it well when I called to let her know about the engagement. It has been almost 2 months since we got engaged, and I finally started planning my wedding party. I gave her a "proposal box" last night and she responded with umm...yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you about that. I don't know how "involved" I want to be in your day, you know how I feel about him.

I was SHOCKED. She had stated her opinion previously and honestly I thought that it had improved, but this is the rest of my life we're talking about. I guess I never thought she would decline supporting me and being there for me as I entered into a lifelong commitment. If she really loves me as a person, even if she thinks I am making the wrong decision, she should support me no matter what. At this point, I don't even know if I want her at my wedding or in my life. I'm not sure what to do.

So, I'm just going to throw this out there first. Several people expressed their concern about your partner, not just your best friend, right? He lied about owning a home. However way you want to phrase it, it's still a lie. What else did he lie about? Why wasn't that a red flag for you?

Would you rather your friend lie to your face, and stand up next to you all the while wishing you weren't marrying him? I think it's actually pretty great that she's being honest with you. That's a true friend.

Honestly, I think you're seeing your FI with rose colored glasses rather than questioning why he's stretched the truth.

You either own a home or you don't. If you're renting to buy then you're renting to buy (which BTW is not a common option in many leases) but you aren't OWNING it. That's over-inflating his financial status and for what reason? I generally question anyone who isn't straight forward with what's going on for any reason and IMO your friends are right to do so if this is a pattern of his behavior.

I'd also question whether or not he's being truthful with you or if he's telling you what you want to hear. With no information to go on I'd be very careful making a financial commitment (which marriage can be) with someone who isn't entirely forthright.

Also, there's a problem with your bolded statement and it makes me question you. When you love someone you don't support them making a wrong decision. You tell that person that you love them but also tell them that you are concerned about whether or not a decision is wise. I love my husband with all my heart. When he's proposed doing really stupid things I've told him flat out when I think what he wants to do is dumb, potentially unsafe or at least un wise. Because love isn't telling someone, "You know I love you and I'll be there for you no matter what so tell me what size dress to buy." Love is saying, "I love you dearly and want to be there for you and this decision looks unwise. Can we talk about this because I'm concerned for you."

Your friend is being honest. That's not always what you want to hear. But it's telling her that she's putting her love of you first because she doesn't want you to be hurt.

Just think about it.

maine7mob · December 2019

Your friend has told you the truth about how she feels. Would you rather that she lie? That's not what a friend does. She might have kept quiet previously because she was hoping you'd see the light about your fiance and saw no point in intervening if the relationship wasn't going anywhere. But now that you are engaged, she is actually demonstrating her integrity by not pretending to go along with a marriage she has serious doubts about.

You should listen to your friends. Lying about owning a home is serious, because it suggests that your fiance is better off than he is. And why would he even feel the need to tell a lie about this? What else is he lying about? I know you are head over heels, but before you make a commitment like this, be sure he is who you think he is.

downtondiva · December 2019

The fact that several people other than this friend have felt the need to mention to you that your fiance tends to lie/exaggerate makes me think this is something you should be more worried about than you are. We're not talking here about making some football game sound more exciting than it was. He said he owned a home when he was actually renting it. There's a HUGE difference between the two, not to mention a really odd thing to exaggerate. I'd be curious to know what other exaggerations/lies these people were referring to.

It sounds to me like your friend was just being honest about what she considers a legitimate concern regarding your fiance....a concern that other people apparently share. I think before you make any further decisions about the wedding, you need to really evaluate your relationship with your fiance and be honest with yourself about how honest he's being with you.

short+sassy · December 2019

I know you're disappointed but, whether she is right or whether she is wrong about your FI, she IS being a good friend to express her concerns. I'm sure that was not an easy thing for her to do. But she cares about you enough to have that awkward conversation, even knowing it might hurt the friendship.

Don't end the friendship over this. That would be a huge mistake. Invite her to the wedding and, even if she declines, be understanding about that.

FWIW, I was that friend a bit. So I'd like to give you some of that perspective. When my BFF called to tell me about her engagement, I congratulated her and was tentatively happy. But had concerns about how quickly everything was happening and also had some concerns about her FI. I didn't try to talk her out of the wedding. But I did try to talk her into pushing the wedding date out, so she had more time to get to know him. And so he would have more time to get a job and help pay the wedding expenses. As an aside, he'd lost his job a month after they started dating. They got engaged around the 3-month mark and he was still unemployed. Aaaannnddd was still unemployed when they had their wedding 5 months after that. Aaaaannnddd was still unemployed when they divorced two years after they got married. I wish so much I'd been wrong. It also wasn't a mutual agreement that he would remain unemployed. He was always expected to get a job.

I digress. She poo-poo'ed me and didn't take my advice. I never brought it up again because I didn't think I'd change her mind and it could hurt our friendship. She did ask me to be in her WP. I accepted and I was in the WP. I supported her decision and celebrated with them at the reception. But it was hard. Because while I hoped and prayed she'd be happy and he would be the right man for her, I was also pretty sure she was making a huge mistake.

I'm not saying you're making a big mistake. Obviously I don't know you or your FI. But, like the other PPs mentioned, it's multiple people who have expressed concerns. I don't know if he initially lied to you about owning a home or just did it with your friends. Neither one is okay, but it's really a red flag if he lied to you also. Because I agree with the other PPs that this is not a "superfluous exaggeration". That's a major fact about someone's life.

FYI, I'm a real estate investor. While I've never done a Rent-To-Own deal myself, I'm pretty familiar with them. They're usually done when the buyer/tenant will have trouble getting a loan from a bank. Either because they have okay credit, but need extra time to build it up. Or they're self-employed in a business that is less than 2-3 years old. They're a nice creative financing option for the right person. But, the fact of the matter is...just like with your FI...RTOs rarely go to closing. I'd guess less than 5% of the time. Nothing wrong with him walking away. In fact, that's great because it's a lot easier to do that with an RTO than owning a house. I was just further illustrating the point that those two things are worlds of difference.

MyNameIsNot · December 2019

It's really, really hard to express concerns when you see a good friend with someone who raises red flags. The fact that this friend has been willing to do that instead of staying silent shows that she really is a good friend. It does sound like your FI has some red flags, especially considering this friend is not the only one to express concerns.

At this point, you've invited her to be MOH, it's up to her to decide if she wants to or not, assuming you decide to go ahead with this wedding in spite of the flags. Appreciate her for being the good friend who is honest even when it is hard, instead of being the weak friend that would cheer you off a cliff. Follow her lead on how she wants to be involved, and keep the friendship alive outside of the wedding.

kjwin · December 2019

To clear something up: this friend wasn't just staying silent nor was I saying she can't express her opinion and she did just that; over 6 months ago. I do appreciate I've given you little information to go on, I'm asking for advice which can be hard to do. When this happened, the concerns were essentially brought up by the people all speaking to one another (ie: all texting each other) so it was essentially the same stories from multiple people. But, I did take them seriously..I worked with my counselor and really took a step back to consider and ensure this was the right relationship for me. After all of that, he and I moved forward. I don't that his exaggerations were fully intentional to "lie" but more impress everyone. He really took a look inward and has worked on himself, as well. He has always been very honest with me regarding his financial and other history (yes, I'm sure and most everything I've had it confirmed through conversations with his friends, family) and I do trust him. I did re-evaluate the whole relationship when the initial concerns came up. That was why my expectation was not to rehash this. Not that she isn't entitled to her opinion, but I also am entitled to mine. I expect her as my friend to respect and support me in that.

MesmrEwe · December 2019

You asked her and she can choose to accept or decline, her reason doesn't have to be one you like. Your friend carries her own set of values and beliefs from you, hers is to not be involved in a wedding to which she may not support. The question is whether or not to keep the friendship and that's only something you can answer. OTOH, is your value vs her value a hill to die on at this point or is it something that may mellow with time.

Your posts do raise a few flags. Please do Pre-marital counseling! It's something recommended for all couples, but especially when there are potential flags with friends/family not being supportive of especially things they can see objectively as outsiders regardless of what those things might be. One never knows, you may notice some of the things they're referring to as the premarital process moves along. I'm guessing it's not a lie about home ownership vs. a RTO vs. renting as the only situation, just the one that was a pretty big picture glaring at them when they found out as it speaks to financial security and responsibility which is something that becomes one of the top two reasons that couples separate. Premarital counseling will go through "forcing topics" like kids/no kids, finances, "rules of engagement" for arguments, conflict resolution, boundaries, boundaries within the marriage, etc. Plan the marriage more than the wedding!

MobKaz · December 2019

kjwin said:

To clear something up: this friend wasn't just staying silent nor was I saying she can't express her opinion and she did just that; over 6 months ago. I do appreciate I've given you little information to go on, I'm asking for advice which can be hard to do. When this happened, the concerns were essentially brought up by the people all speaking to one another (ie: all texting each other) so it was essentially the same stories from multiple people. But, I did take them seriously..I worked with my counselor and really took a step back to consider and ensure this was the right relationship for me. After all of that, he and I moved forward. I don't that his exaggerations were fully intentional to "lie" but more impress everyone. He really took a look inward and has worked on himself, as well. He has always been very honest with me regarding his financial and other history (yes, I'm sure and most everything I've had it confirmed through conversations with his friends, family) and I do trust him. I did re-evaluate the whole relationship when the initial concerns came up. That was why my expectation was not to rehash this. Not that she isn't entitled to her opinion, but I also am entitled to mine. I expect her as my friend to respect and support me in that.

Not trying to nitpick here, but this need to impress is equally concerning. Would/will he be the type to spend money unwisely in the future just to impress? I find the need to impress a dangerous need to have.

I agree with everyone else who suggests premarital counseling, whether through a secular or religious avenue, is a wise path to take.

MyNameIsNot · December 2019

kjwin said:

To clear something up: this friend wasn't just staying silent nor was I saying she can't express her opinion and she did just that; over 6 months ago. I do appreciate I've given you little information to go on, I'm asking for advice which can be hard to do. When this happened, the concerns were essentially brought up by the people all speaking to one another (ie: all texting each other) so it was essentially the same stories from multiple people. But, I did take them seriously..I worked with my counselor and really took a step back to consider and ensure this was the right relationship for me. After all of that, he and I moved forward. I don't that his exaggerations were fully intentional to "lie" but more impress everyone. He really took a look inward and has worked on himself, as well. He has always been very honest with me regarding his financial and other history (yes, I'm sure and most everything I've had it confirmed through conversations with his friends, family) and I do trust him. I did re-evaluate the whole relationship when the initial concerns came up. That was why my expectation was not to rehash this. Not that she isn't entitled to her opinion, but I also am entitled to mine. I expect her as my friend to respect and support me in that.

You asked for advice, and you got it. Repeating mine below. This is not a dilemma for you to solve. You've invited her, she can decide whether she wants to accept or decline.

At this point, you've invited her to be MOH, it's up to her to decide if she wants to or not, assuming you decide to go ahead with this wedding in spite of the flags. Appreciate her for being the good friend who is honest even when it is hard, instead of being the weak friend that would cheer you off a cliff. Follow her lead on how she wants to be involved, and keep the friendship alive outside of the wedding.

charlotte989875 · December 2019

There isn’t much for you to do from here; you asked, she declined. She disagrees with the marriage and it sounds like she expressed this calmly, and directly to you. Just because you’re close friends doesn’t mean she has to support every single thing you do— that’s not a real friendship. You don’t have to agree with her, but she did the right thing here; she was honest with you and told you directly.

What I’d do? Invite her to the wedding. Tell her you’d love for her to be involved if she wants and if she doesn’t you’d still love for her to attend. You say she is your best friend, I think she was trying to be a good friend here too.

Jen4948 · December 2019

It's hard when close friends raise flags about the people we love, especially when these are people whom you hope will be supportive of your marriage and play important parts in your wedding. But a truly close friend would only raise a red flag if she was seriously concerned for you. Even if you have determined that the issues she and others raised about your FI are not big deals, they still sound to me like things you should discuss before you marry him, perhaps in counseling.

That said, your friend isn't required to accept your request that she be your MOH, especially because she isn't supportive of your wedding, and the best and only thing you can do about that is move on. Don't disinvite her from your wedding simply because she expressed reservations or stop being friends with her. The fact that she has a different perspective from you about your FI doesn't mean her friendship hasn't been and isn't valuable now.

Your experience with her, BTW, illustrates vividly why we don't encourage brides or grooms to "propose" to their wedding party candidates -- it puts them under a lot of pressure to accept, even when they can't or don't want to, and it can really come back to bite the principals if the people they ask don't agree to do it.

HELP! Maid of Honor Dilemma

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