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Wedding Party
knottiec80b3cf88ca16a46
member
Unenthusiastic Bridesmaid
So I asked my childhood best friend to be my BM yesterday. We have known each other 20 years, talk once or twice a month, and see each other a few times a year. Our families, particularly mothers, have become very close as well. So, no, this is not someone I haven't talked to since elementary school.
Her response was underwhelming. In fact, the only thing she really said about the whole thing was "You're not going to make me buy an expensive dress are you?" (at which point I offered to buy her dress for her, something I was already considering doing.) She begrudgingly accepted, but it certainly wasn't the response I was hoping to get. She wasn't very excited when I told her about the engagement in the first place, so it's probably my own fault for trying to include her.
I'm going to text her tonight, and let her know that she doesn't have to be in my wedding if she doesn't want to, no hard feeling, it's not for everybody. Being a BM can be a lot of work, and it doesn't sound like she's interested or invested in it. I don't want her there if she doesn't want to be there, for both of our sakes.
Long story short, is it ok to let her off the hook? Or does that make me a bridezilla for ousting her just because she didn't react the way I wanted her to?
Her response was underwhelming. In fact, the only thing she really said about the whole thing was "You're not going to make me buy an expensive dress are you?" (at which point I offered to buy her dress for her, something I was already considering doing.) She begrudgingly accepted, but it certainly wasn't the response I was hoping to get. She wasn't very excited when I told her about the engagement in the first place, so it's probably my own fault for trying to include her.
I'm going to text her tonight, and let her know that she doesn't have to be in my wedding if she doesn't want to, no hard feeling, it's not for everybody. Being a BM can be a lot of work, and it doesn't sound like she's interested or invested in it. I don't want her there if she doesn't want to be there, for both of our sakes.
Long story short, is it ok to let her off the hook? Or does that make me a bridezilla for ousting her just because she didn't react the way I wanted her to?
Re: Unenthusiastic Bridesmaid
Nobody is ever, ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. And some people just aren't into weddings, so being a bridesmaid may not be appealing to them, no matter how much they may love and care about the bride.
Being a bridesmaid should only be as much work as the bridesmaid chooses to do. They are not obligated to throw parties, help with decor, or anything else prior to the wedding, and you shouldn't be asking anyone to do this for you.
Also, news of a friend or family member's engagement can be tough for some people. Even if they're happy for you, the news may still be an unpleasant reminder that they're not happy with their love life or even that other things in their life aren't going the way they wanted. It can be tough to be happy for other people when you aren't happy with yourself. Not saying this is the case with your friend, but I've seen it with people I know.
Finally, giving your friend an "out" is just a slightly more polite way of kicking her out of your wedding party, which is essentially a friendship ending move. I get that her reaction wasn't what you hoped for, but do you really want to jeopardize your friendship with her just because she wasn't as excited as you wanted her to be?
I wholeheartedly also agree with others in that no one is ever going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, and that's o.k. Also, so many people put pressure on their bridesmaids to do things related to their wedding and forget the only "job" of the bridesmaids is to show up the day of the wedding wearing designated attire (within their budget, not the bride's), relatively sober, smile for a number of pictures, stick around for dinner, that's it!
2. Some people just don't like to stand up in weddings - there could be many different reasons for this.
3. Make sure to ask your wedding party what their budget is for the dress, and then base your choice off of the lowest number.
4. There should be no work expected out of a bridesmaid. There are no duties, short of showing up the day of, in the dress you've selected.
5. Do not have this conversation with her over text. Call her, or go see her in person. Assure her that you'll keep the dress within her budget, and that's all she'll need to do.
6. Kicking her out is a friendship ending move.
If you're feeling like there are issues or hesitations on the part of your friend then pick up the phone. Talk to her and ask her how she's doing. See what's going on. Tell her how much it would mean to you to have her up there with you on your wedding day and emphasize that this is a ceremonial role. Please do not end a decades long friendship based on a one sided interpretation without so much as a conversation.
I understand that no one will be as excited about my wedding as I am, that would be ridiculous. We're talking a conversation that consisted of groaning, eye-rolling, and not one smile. Am I wrong in thinking that that's worth discussing further?
I have no intentions of kicking her out, I just want to make sure she doesn't feel pressured into accepting. She's never been a joiner/do-er and is quite pessimistic/cynical by nature (she's always been the Bert to my Ernie, to put it in pop culture terms), and I just want to make sure she knows she has the option of saying "no" because it IS unfair to expect anything from a BM, including their saying yes in the first place.
Which is why I mentioned texting instead of calling, she's non-confrontational by nature, and I don't think if I call her she would be able to say what she was really feeling. She's a great writer though, and way more able to express herself freely through that.
Would it mean a lot to me to have her up there? Of course. Would I prefer she actually enjoy the day, in role she's happy to have, even if that role is just guest? Absolutely.
Listen, you've received some good advice here. Ultimately though, we don't know your friend, and can't say for sure that a text would be better than a phone call or convo in person. Use your best judgement.
Unless she's a complete moron, she knows she has the option to say no. If you have this conversation and give her permission to say no, you're telling her that you don't want her in the WP. She's then forced to either drop out, or stay while thinking you don't really want her there. It's really no different than kicking her out.
You decided to ask her knowing who she is. If she's your friend, you accept her for who she is. If you don't like who she is (which is what it sounds like), consider whether you're really interested in staying in this friendship.
You can't expect people to be different even if you're excited.
Different story but similar: I'm planning a trip for the family to Disney. There are a lot of steps to take in this planning and I enjoy the research in meal planning, places to eat, stay, fast passes to book, deals to get - all of it. DH has said, "If you weren't doing this I would hate it." I have to know that just because *I* am into this and *I* am excited this process DOES NOT excite him and I need to keep my expectations maintained.
If she really didn't want to be a bridesmaid, she still could have said no, even if it might have been awkward to do so. I stick by my original advice of not saying anything to her about this. Just keep your expectations of her low, and if she decides at some point on her own that she no longer wants to be a bridesmaid, accept the decision graciously and move on.