Your self-care and comfort matters, in all settings.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am recently sober and regularly attend a weekly AA meeting. Many members discuss their lives before they got sober, which is to be expected. Two of these attendees have openly admitted to being abusive, both physically and emotionally, toward their partners while drinking. I value the fellowship I have found through AA and the support it has offered me. I recognize that these things don’t just materialize—they are cultivated through an atmosphere of openness and acceptance. That being said, I have a very hard time listening to these individuals describe physical abuse they inflicted on women. I don’t want to stop going to this particular AA group, as I have established relationships there and generally like the atmosphere (which focuses less on God and more on spiritual practice). I have considered leaving the room when these men discuss these parts of their histories, but I worry that will be seen as judgmental or cruel—not in the spirit of AA. Should I sit through these expositions about their abuse in the spirit of forgiveness even though I find it very distressing? Perhaps that is part of the work that we all do together when we enter into a social contract like AA. What is your advice?

—Distressed in AA

OliveOilsMom

I think LW should bring this up with their sponsor, assuming they have one. 

I also don't think it should be a problem to leave the room when these attendees begin to talk.  LW is not judging these people, but is saving themselves from very distressing themes.  LW should reframe this as not judging, but saving themselves from a potential backslide, if abusive actions performed against them partly caused their drinking.

downtondiva

I don't really know how AA groups operate - is there a leader or meeting facilitator you can talk to about this?

If hearing about this abuse is distressing to you and possibly inhibiting you from getting everything you can out of AA, I think it's okay to leave the room while these individuals are talking. As long as do so quietly and discreetly, I don't think anyone can or should question you on it.

short+sassy

I'm curious if this is something those men discuss at every meeting.  I'd think they don't repeat the same/similar stories at each meeting.  If so, then maybe this only happens occasionally?  That would make it less obvious if the LW quietly and discreetly happens to "need a restroom break", when these people talk about their violent past. 

Like other PPs, I also assume there is a leader for this group.  They should bring up their discomfort privately to that person.  Not in an effort to monitor what people are saying, but so that person can give them guidance on the best way to handle it.  Or at least so there is someone else in the meeting who understands what is going on when the LW leaves the room.

kerbohl

Is that not something they can mention diplomatically at the beginning of the meeting?  Say something like "I just want everyone to know if I am walking out, it is not that I am judging and not being supportive, it is because I am avoiding triggers.  If any of the topics I share are triggers for you, I would encourage you to do the same."