Dear Prudence,
I am recently sober and regularly attend a weekly AA meeting. Many members discuss their lives before they got sober, which is to be expected. Two of these attendees have openly admitted to being abusive, both physically and emotionally, toward their partners while drinking. I value the fellowship I have found through AA and the support it has offered me. I recognize that these things don’t just materialize—they are cultivated through an atmosphere of openness and acceptance. That being said, I have a very hard time listening to these individuals describe physical abuse they inflicted on women. I don’t want to stop going to this particular AA group, as I have established relationships there and generally like the atmosphere (which focuses less on God and more on spiritual practice). I have considered leaving the room when these men discuss these parts of their histories, but I worry that will be seen as judgmental or cruel—not in the spirit of AA. Should I sit through these expositions about their abuse in the spirit of forgiveness even though I find it very distressing? Perhaps that is part of the work that we all do together when we enter into a social contract like AA. What is your advice?
—Distressed in AA