Chit Chat

I hate my fiancé’s groomsman

edited March 24 in Chit Chat
My fiancé wants to pick a friend that I deeply hate as one of his groomsman. I hate him so much that I don’t even think he should be invited to our wedding!! When my fiancé and I were just boyfriend/girlfriends the friend tried to break us up. He was the friend that sent my fiancé photos of girls to “check out”, invited him out to party with other girls, and tried to dig up dirt about me to convince my fiancé that I was cheating!!! He wants my fiancé to be his wingman so bad that he did whatever it took to separate us. And it worked- we broke up. He called me rock bottom and said I was low because I asked him to stop getting in between us. Fast forward we got back together and got engaged, the friend apologized to me but I don’t trust him at all. I don’t understand why he would want to be part of our wedding. Is it wrong for me to tell my fiancé NO he can’t choose him? Bc my fiancé is now very defensive of him and thinks he was being a good friend. We get into arguments over this friend and it triggers me of why we broke up. 

Re: I hate my fiancé’s groomsman

  • Don’t marry someone whose judgment you don’t respect. 
    Pretty much this.

    You either need to talk to your FI and see why he's hellbent on having this guy as a GM and hear him out or break up with him.  

    I can tell you that this would be deal breaker territory for me. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My fiancé wants to pick a friend that I deeply hate as one of his groomsman. I hate him so much that I don’t even think he should be invited to our wedding!! When my fiancé and I were just boyfriend/girlfriends the friend tried to break us up. He was the friend that sent my fiancé photos of girls to “check out”, invited him out to party with other girls, and tried to dig up dirt about me to convince my fiancé that I was cheating!!! He wants my fiancé to be his wingman so bad that he did whatever it took to separate us. And it worked- we broke up. He called me rock bottom and said I was low because I asked him to stop getting in between us. Fast forward we got back together and got engaged, the friend apologized to me but I don’t trust him at all. I don’t understand why he would want to be part of our wedding. Is it wrong for me to tell my fiancé NO he can’t choose him? Bc my fiancé is now very defensive of him and thinks he was being a good friend. We get into arguments over this friend and it triggers me of why we broke up. 
    1) You have no right to tell your FI who can or can't be on his side. 
    2) The bigger question is why he stays friends with someone like this. If he's friends with someone who openly disrespects you and your relationship, he's not ready to be married. 
    Casadenaei34
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don’t marry someone whose judgment you don’t respect. 
    Ditto this. Why would your FI trust and continue a friendship with someone like this? It's a huge red flag. 

  • Yikes. How long between when you broke up/got back together and has this guy done anything to signal his remorse? Just trying to understand why your FI is not just friends with, but wants to have this guy stand up in your wedding. 

    I agree you can’t tell your FI who to include I would have a long conversation about how this guy makes you feel and really listen to what your FI says. Because from what it sounds like here the guy was super disrespectful to you and your FI wants him in the wedding. That’s a big red flag IMO. 
    levioosa
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn't want the friend at the wedding either, but more importantly, I wouldn't marry someone who was defending said friend.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You can't control who he asks to be his attendant, but you can control whether you marry someone who shows you so little respect that he asks someone who has treated you so badly to be his groomsman at his wedding to you.
    climbingwife
  • You can't stop your FI from choosing who he wants as his groomsmen, but I do think you have the right to tell him that having this guy in the wedding party makes you uncomfortable and why. Ultimately, though, it's his decision and not something you can control.

    But the bigger question is this: why are you marrying someone who defends a so-called friend who treated you and your relationship this badly? 
    image
  • Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it because I really didn’t know who to talk to about this. When we broke up it was only for a few months. My fiancé and his friend had a very close friendship, something that I never understood. My fiancé was very defensive of this friend from the very beginning. The friend was always a “yes-man” to him never saying no to anything and boasting my fiancé with compliments and attention. They did lose their friendship when we broke up for a few months but rekindled after we got engaged. I think they sparked their friendship again from hanging out with mutual friends. I can tell my fiancé is hung up on this friend all over again. The first and last person he messages everyday is that friend. Everything my fiancé does he messages that friend. They have such a crazy attachment it scares me sometimes.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it because I really didn’t know who to talk to about this. When we broke up it was only for a few months. My fiancé and his friend had a very close friendship, something that I never understood. My fiancé was very defensive of this friend from the very beginning. The friend was always a “yes-man” to him never saying no to anything and boasting my fiancé with compliments and attention. They did lose their friendship when we broke up for a few months but rekindled after we got engaged. I think they sparked their friendship again from hanging out with mutual friends. I can tell my fiancé is hung up on this friend all over again. The first and last person he messages everyday is that friend. Everything my fiancé does he messages that friend. They have such a crazy attachment it scares me sometimes.
    Yeah, that would scare me too. Honestly, this relationship seems quite strange. It seems to have features of an abusive relationship, but reminds me more of how cult leaders groom their followers.

    All I can say is it's never a good idea to marry someone who doesn't put you first and is hung up on someone else. It's not going to get better. 
    banana468downtondivaJen4948ei34
  • Thank you for all the feedback, I really appreciate it because I really didn’t know who to talk to about this. When we broke up it was only for a few months. My fiancé and his friend had a very close friendship, something that I never understood. My fiancé was very defensive of this friend from the very beginning. The friend was always a “yes-man” to him never saying no to anything and boasting my fiancé with compliments and attention. They did lose their friendship when we broke up for a few months but rekindled after we got engaged. I think they sparked their friendship again from hanging out with mutual friends. I can tell my fiancé is hung up on this friend all over again. The first and last person he messages everyday is that friend. Everything my fiancé does he messages that friend. They have such a crazy attachment it scares me sometimes.
    Yeah, that would scare me too. Honestly, this relationship seems quite strange. It seems to have features of an abusive relationship, but reminds me more of how cult leaders groom their followers.

    All I can say is it's never a good idea to marry someone who doesn't put you first and is hung up on someone else. It's not going to get better. 
    THIS.

    I....would have real issues if the first person my H wanted to talk to and the last person he wanted to talk to every day wasn't me.  That's not signaling a commitment to our relationship.  


  • I think couples absolutely should have say in who stands up with them, but they are representing BOTH. Yes, she can request this guy not be a part of the wedding. And future husband should comply. I'm Leary that he's so defensive of him. You should take priority in his life now. If he can't make you number one, a deep heart to heart is in order before you move forward.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think couples absolutely should have say in who stands up with them, but they are representing BOTH. Yes, she can request this guy not be a part of the wedding. And future husband should comply. I'm Leary that he's so defensive of him. You should take priority in his life now. If he can't make you number one, a deep heart to heart is in order before you move forward.
    Nope. You don’t get to dictate your partner’s choices for the people that stand up for them. Not how it works. 

    MyNameIsNotei34
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