Feeling guilt of a wedding reception

honeybunchesok

Ohio allows wedding receptions up to 300 as long as we have tables of no more than 10 people distanced six feet apart, social distance to dance and if not seated. This makes a world of difference than the former policy of staying seated the whole time which I’m okay with.

We are moving forward with the wedding, it’s not like we can postpone without losing thousands of dollars anyway since we signed a contract.

Our venue will be enforcing social distancing guidelines, setting tables six feet apart, have sanitizer available throughout venue, place distance markings at the bar, and serve all food items. Staff will wear masks. The venue holds 250, I will need to reduce my guest count from 150 to 130 due to distancing guidelines but I was thinking of even reducing it to 100. Trying my best to sit social circles/families who interact often, keep it mainly family with few close friends. I was also thinking of offering face masks if they want to wear one.

Thoughts? I feel guilty still having a wedding but we can’t afford to just lose out of our hard earned money.

Casadena

When is your wedding?  I can't imagine that many people would RSVP yes if it is anytime soon, even with precautions. Would your venue be willing to move the date rather than cancel?  If so, i think that's your best option.  

honeybunchesok

October 24th, they won’t postpone unless we pay a hefty fee probably. That is my assumption but the contract says I have 180 days from the date to cancel or postpone. It’s not normal circumstances so maybe but even during the ban, they kept wanting me to wait it out. Now that wedding receptions are permitted and revenues were loss, I doubt they would allow me to postpone. I want to avoid it next year anyway because we have four weddings in the family and friends group. I was thinking of even reducing it to mainly just our family which is around 70 for more distancing and seating of families.

banana468

I can tell you that if you were a cousin in Ohio we probably wouldn't go.   If you are a sibling in Ohio we'd be there. 

I get it though - this is so hard and there's no easy answer. 

short+sassy

I totally understand your feelings and agree with them.  Since it's allowed and it sounds like there are good precautions in place, it makes sense to still have your wedding and reception as planned.  Albeit with a smaller guest list.

I am a huge advocate of wearing masks.  I would have them readily available for your guests.  I would even say have multiple disposable masks for each guest.

honeybunchesok

I’ll mention masks are encouraged on a separate note of the invite, I can’t really force anyone to wear it. I will also provide disposable masks. That’s all I can do I now I guess. Definitely looking to only invite our family (we have a big close family) and close friends instead, maybe cut 50-70 people.

honeybunchesok

Lol depends on how close, my family is very close so my cousin is my MoH. There are some cousins I barely talk to that won’t probably come but I wouldn’t mind.

STARMOON44

honeybunchesok said:

Ohio allows wedding receptions up to 300 as long as we have tables of no more than 10 people distanced six feet apart, social distance to dance and if not seated. This makes a world of difference than the former policy of staying seated the whole time which I’m okay with.

We are moving forward with the wedding, it’s not like we can postpone without losing thousands of dollars anyway since we signed a contract.

Our venue will be enforcing social distancing guidelines, setting tables six feet apart, have sanitizer available throughout venue, place distance markings at the bar, and serve all food items. Staff will wear masks. The venue holds 250, I will need to reduce my guest count from 150 to 130 due to distancing guidelines but I was thinking of even reducing it to 100. Trying my best to sit social circles/families who interact often, keep it mainly family with few close friends. I was also thinking of offering face masks if they want to wear one.

Thoughts? I feel guilty still having a wedding but we can’t afford to just lose out of our hard earned money.

I think you feel guilty because you know this is irresponsible. 

honeybunchesok

Well it’s try to make the best of what I have or lose out on thousands in the hole. I came here for guidance and support, not to be kicked when I’m already down. 

levioosa

honeybunchesok said:

Well it’s try to make the best of what I have or lose out on thousands in the hole. I came here for guidance and support, not to be kicked when I’m already down. 

Listen, it really sucks that you’re in this position. But it doesn’t change the fact that hosting dozens of people together is irresponsible and potentially deadly. There’s no amount of money I could potentially lose that would make me happy I threw an event where a loved one later died because they attended. 

missJeanLouise

Do you have a minimum you must meet? If not and you feel like you must go through with the wedding, I would cut the guest list as much as possible and try to figure out a Skype option for people to view the ceremony. October is still a ways away, who knows what the world will look like then.

ei34

Would your venue allow you to postpone to say, Oct 2021?  You said they won't let you postpone probably, have you actually asked?  The venues in my area aren't charging fees to postpone, only for cancellations.  If they'd allow that, maybe have a small wedding ceremony and get married on the original date, and then do the reception the following year?  There's no way I'd host a large gathering this October.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it really sucks.

CharmedPam

ei34 said:

Would your venue allow you to postpone to say, Oct 2021?  You said they won't let you postpone probably, have you actually asked?  The venues in my area aren't charging fees to postpone, only for cancellations.  If they'd allow that, maybe have a small wedding ceremony and get married on the original date, and then do the reception the following year?  There's no way I'd host a large gathering this October.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it really sucks.

This is seriously the best idea if available.  As an invited guest, I’ll tell you that my cousin moved her out of state (out of country for me) wedding from Sept 2020 to Oct 2021 and I am SO thankful!  

banana468

banana468 said:

I can tell you that if you were a cousin in Ohio we probably wouldn't go.   If you are a sibling in Ohio we'd be there. 

I get it though - this is so hard and there's no easy answer. 

honeybunchesok said:

Lol depends on how close, my family is very close so my cousin is my MoH. There are some cousins I barely talk to that won’t probably come but I wouldn’t mind.

My husband's in a close family.   There are 21 first cousins and many were in each others weddings.   There are 50 kids in the next generation and other weddings have had upwards of 6 flower girls and additional ring bearers.   I know close.

My point is that if you were in our close family and getting married in October if you weren't in our close circle I probably would not attend.   And at this point even a church isn't supposed to hold 100 people.

This is hard and having to postpone due to Covid is difficult.   But the reality is that large gatherings especially among people who aren't seeing one another on a daily basis is risky at best, foolish at mid and deathly at worst. 

honeybunchesok

They will not unless it’s actually a ban. When I brought it up during the ban of gatherings they told me they were only handling the weddings within that time frame to reschedule. I’ve brought up I’d like to make a decision by August to cancel but they said that things should change then and there’s plenty of time but we would only revisit if it were banned. As I stated, I’m locked in contract and they are at a loss of funds from closing. I could try to negotiate my contract but with the permit of wedding receptions to continue, the ball is in their court.

honeybunchesok

125. The venue holds 250 but with the guidelines set they can hold 130. I was thinking of bringing it down to even 80-100 so it can be more spread out and I can seat by household. Mostly just our family and closest friends. 

charlotte989875

honeybunchesok said:

They will not unless it’s actually a ban. When I brought it up during the ban of gatherings they told me they were only handling the weddings within that time frame to reschedule. I’ve brought up I’d like to make a decision by August to cancel but they said that things should change then and there’s plenty of time but we would only revisit if it were banned. As I stated, I’m locked in contract and they are at a loss of funds from closing. I could try to negotiate my contract but with the permit of wedding receptions to continue, the ball is in their court.

This definitely sucks and I think you’re in a tough position with either having to cancel (and lose deposits/money) or risk having people together in a time when it might not yet be safe. 

I agree with others and think it’s still pretty risky (I’m assuming this is an indoor venue), I’d be prepared for many people to decline, especially if as it gets closer cases are rising. Even if you reduce the guest list this still might happen. Everyone has their own risk tolerance for the virus and may just not be comfortable attending. 

If you don’t want to postpone or cancel I think you need to reduce the guest list as much as possible for maximum distance between people, I think your forgo any dancing, provide masks and hand sanitizer for all guests, have plated meals (nothing passed, nothing shared!), and seat only households together (so you’ll need way more seating than guests). I know this is not what you envisioned or planned but indoor events with lots of people, and people from different houses is among the most risky things you can do at this time. Things might be better by October, or we might have a second wave and there’s no way to tell. 

honeybunchesok

That’s pretty much all we have in place from all you listed. 

MobKaz

I will be the lone cautiously optimistic voice.  In my family, I could see many of us attending ON THE CONDITION that we sit as families at one table.  We would all attend if the wedding were local and we could all retreat back to our homes.  We would attend because we know that each of us as families has been protective and prudent throughout this shelter in place period.  If things continue to improve, I would be even more optimistic for an October event, with those safeguards remaining. 

On the financial end of it, will your venue discount you or allow you to pay based on the current guest list versus the original guest count?  If not, then I would at least recommend that rather than take a loss, you upgrade as many menu and beverage options as possible. 

honeybunchesok

I actually asked them that. They just said they’ll get back to me on that but I haven’t heard back. I will plan on following up next week. I’ve thought about talking to fiancé about not inviting OOT family members. I’m not sure if his cousin would come anyway because we found o it she would be 8 months pregnant. So she may not want to come anyway despite how close we all are in the family. Fiancé would have to be on board though, he’s already sad he can’t have all his friends and that we would have to cut or rate them. I’m a loner lol they’re moreso his friends so it doesn’t affect me other than I feel bad if Fiance is sad about that. But I know he mainly cares if our immediate family is there. 

VerizonGirl

I'm with MobKaz.  You are getting married and you want to invite people.  So send the invitations.  Let your invitees decide to come or not.  The wedding isn't until OCTOBER and even the harshest experts say the this whole mess will be shrunk by then, so you might get more people than you think.    

banana468

VerizonGirl said:

I'm with MobKaz.  You are getting married and you want to invite people.  So send the invitations.  Let your invitees decide to come or not.  The wedding isn't until OCTOBER and even the harshest experts say the this whole mess will be shrunk by then, so you might get more people than you think.    

Are the people you see saying that this will be gone in October the same people you go to for etiquette references? 

levioosa

VerizonGirl said:

I'm with MobKaz.  You are getting married and you want to invite people.  So send the invitations.  Let your invitees decide to come or not.  The wedding isn't until OCTOBER and even the harshest experts say the this whole mess will be shrunk by then, so you might get more people than you think.    

Really? The experts are saying it’s going to be over by October? Please share your (Science based, healthcare based) sources. Because no one in the medical field is saying that. We’re all terrified of COVID plus flu season coinciding. 

MesmrEwe

Stop feeling guilty about your event and enjoy the day!  You are going to have to scale back, and if anything this is the year that people will understand.  

This weekend I was at a scaled down wedding of a mentor of mine.  It was only by chance I was there (one of those said something in jest and next thing I know I was on the guest list bringing a detail that filled one of the bride's dreams for her wedding that she thought she'd not be able to get - that was "wedding stuff" I had just sitting in my basement), but no matter how close people are to you, if they do not feel comfortable right now or in October for attending an event, they won't attend, really.  A number of the Groom's siblings and Bride's family didn't attend and one of the Groom's brothers left immediately after the ceremony because of anxiety (Wedding was socially distanced outdoors covering the back yard).  The key is to let people know you won't take it personally if they choose not to attend because of health concerns no matter how close they are to you.  

bubblylove

I personally would take the financial hit or move it to next year. But inviting up to 100 people to all gather together during this is crazy to me. Also there is likely to be a second wave in the fall.

But if you are going to do it please make masks mandatory. You simply say on your invite that attendees will be required to wear them and you understand if they don't want to attend. 

MesmrEwe

bubblylove said:

I personally would take the financial hit or move it to next year. But inviting up to 100 people to all gather together during this is crazy to me. Also there is likely to be a second wave in the fall.

But if you are going to do it please make masks mandatory. You simply say on your invite that attendees will be required to wear them and you understand if they don't want to attend. 

Unless the venue or municipality is requiring them at that point in time, this is like mandating your guests to wear all pepto pink or they'll be turned away at the door.  There is a difference between "We encourage guests to wear pink" and "You are required to wear pepto pink if you want to attend our wedding!"  The only time attire should be specified is if the event is Black/White Tie or if the attire is mandated by the venue.  

banana468

MesmrEwe said:

bubblylove said:

I personally would take the financial hit or move it to next year. But inviting up to 100 people to all gather together during this is crazy to me. Also there is likely to be a second wave in the fall.

But if you are going to do it please make masks mandatory. You simply say on your invite that attendees will be required to wear them and you understand if they don't want to attend. 

Unless the venue or municipality is requiring them at that point in time, this is like mandating your guests to wear all pepto pink or they'll be turned away at the door.  There is a difference between "We encourage guests to wear pink" and "You are required to wear pepto pink if you want to attend our wedding!"  The only time attire should be specified is if the event is Black/White Tie or if the attire is mandated by the venue.  

Or you know, because it saves lives and not wearing them has been found to be monumentally stupid.  

@MesmrEwe are you really comparing a requirement that's for public health to one that is for aesthetics?? 

MesmrEwe

banana468 said:

MesmrEwe said:

bubblylove said:

I personally would take the financial hit or move it to next year. But inviting up to 100 people to all gather together during this is crazy to me. Also there is likely to be a second wave in the fall.

But if you are going to do it please make masks mandatory. You simply say on your invite that attendees will be required to wear them and you understand if they don't want to attend. 

Unless the venue or municipality is requiring them at that point in time, this is like mandating your guests to wear all pepto pink or they'll be turned away at the door.  There is a difference between "We encourage guests to wear pink" and "You are required to wear pepto pink if you want to attend our wedding!"  The only time attire should be specified is if the event is Black/White Tie or if the attire is mandated by the venue.  

Or you know, because it saves lives and not wearing them has been found to be monumentally stupid.  

@MesmrEwe are you really comparing a requirement that's for public health to one that is for aesthetics?? 

Unless it is mandatory by the venue or municipality - people are smart and can figure out for themselves whether to or not to wear a mask.  

banana468

MesmrEwe said:

banana468 said:

MesmrEwe said:

bubblylove said:

I personally would take the financial hit or move it to next year. But inviting up to 100 people to all gather together during this is crazy to me. Also there is likely to be a second wave in the fall.

But if you are going to do it please make masks mandatory. You simply say on your invite that attendees will be required to wear them and you understand if they don't want to attend. 

Unless the venue or municipality is requiring them at that point in time, this is like mandating your guests to wear all pepto pink or they'll be turned away at the door.  There is a difference between "We encourage guests to wear pink" and "You are required to wear pepto pink if you want to attend our wedding!"  The only time attire should be specified is if the event is Black/White Tie or if the attire is mandated by the venue.  

Or you know, because it saves lives and not wearing them has been found to be monumentally stupid.  

@MesmrEwe are you really comparing a requirement that's for public health to one that is for aesthetics?? 

Unless it is mandatory by the venue or municipality - people are smart and can figure out for themselves whether to or not to wear a mask.  

The behavior of many opened states would disagree with this statement.

I'm going to say that the wedding can have the same public health restrictions used by Costco: no mask, no entry.  If guests dislike that rule then they can decline.

This is now about public health.  It isn't comparable to an attire level.

bubblylove

Mandating wearing masks is NOTHING like picking a color everyone has to wear. It's a safety precaution that protects everyone. That's why I said be upfront - they are required. If you don't want to wear them then this event isn't for you. 

levioosa

Mandating mask wearing during a deadly pandemic is no where near asking people to wear a specific color. To compare the two is asinine. One is an aesthetic choice, the other one can make the difference between life or death. 

We reopened too early and no one is wearing masks. Today our ICUs are at 100% capacity. So fuck everyone who thinks masks are optional and that holding a large event is a socially responsible choice. It’s not and they know it.