Wedding announcement...before wedding?

knottie16fb5a6e55e3ef85

Hello! I have a situation... My mother in law wants to send out invitations to 50+ relatives/family friends that she 'knows' won't be able to make it to the wedding. So basically wedding announcements before the wedding even happens. They are extremely extended family members/family friends from her side on the opposite coast that my fiance doesn't even know/hasn't seen in 20 years. I don't feel comfortable sending that many invites to people we don't know/can't afford to accommodate if they do happen to decide to make the trip (our current guest count is 100), but she is insisting that we need to announce the wedding prior to it happening or they will be highly offended. I'm not sure what to do at this point?? 

levioosa

knottie16fb5a6e55e3ef85 said:

Hello! I have a situation... My mother in law wants to send out invitations to 50+ relatives/family friends that she 'knows' won't be able to make it to the wedding. So basically wedding announcements before the wedding even happens. They are extremely extended family members/family friends from her side on the opposite coast that my fiance doesn't even know/hasn't seen in 20 years. I don't feel comfortable sending that many invites to people we don't know/can't afford to accommodate if they do happen to decide to make the trip (our current guest count is 100), but she is insisting that we need to announce the wedding prior to it happening or they will be highly offended. I'm not sure what to do at this point?? 

Are you prepared to host all of these people if they accept? Invite the people you truly want there and can afford to host. And never, ever count on people “not showing.” Many brides have come here distraught because everyone they invited accepted. I personally have been part two weddings where a ton of people were invited because “oh, they definitely won’t travel/be able to afford it.” And everyone accepted. It was a nightmare. So don’t do that to yourselves. 

In addition, 100 people is still a large number to have with the pandemic. You might not even be able to have a wedding that size so having to navigate a cancellation and restructure with extra people will be even more complicated. 

knottie16fb5a6e55e3ef85

Definitely not, which is what I keep explaining to my mother in law. Our wedding is over a year out, so hopefully there are vaccines and the pandemic is in check... but even then my fiance and I wouldn't invite them because to be frank we don't know them. She is insisting on sending -something- to her distant relatives/friends to announce the marriage... I just don't see a nice way to say "hey, we're getting married next year and you're NOT invited." 

MyNameIsNot

knottie16fb5a6e55e3ef85 said:

Definitely not, which is what I keep explaining to my mother in law. Our wedding is over a year out, so hopefully there are vaccines and the pandemic is in check... but even then my fiance and I wouldn't invite them because to be frank we don't know them. She is insisting on sending -something- to her distant relatives/friends to announce the marriage... I just don't see a nice way to say "hey, we're getting married next year and you're NOT invited." 

Stop engaging with her on this. With a year to go until the wedding, it's time to start a "blood talks to blood" rule with these topics. Your FI needs to tell her that he doesn't know these people, they won't be invited, and the conversation is closed. He needs to tell her to stop pestering you about this. Your role is to end the conversation. "I know you'd like us to invite these people. Have you tried this dip?" 

It's going to be a long year of planning if your FI doesn't start creating boundaries with his mother. 

short+sassy

In addition, wedding invitations don't go out until 6-8 weeks before the wedding anyway.

I think what your FMIL might be talking about is Save the Dates (STDs)?  And you DEFINITELY do not want to send those out to people you don't want to invite.  STDs are not necessary at all but, if they are sent out, should only go to VIPs and/or people who are being invited to the wedding.

Because, once someone is sent an STD, they also need to be sent an invitation when those go out.

You are totally correct on the etiquette.  What would actually be highly offensive is to invite people that you and your FI don't want to be there and wouldn't want to host if they accept the invitation.

What you all can do is send wedding announcements AFTER you all get married.  Its okay to send those to people not invited to the wedding.  In fact, I think that's kind of what they are for.  It's not necessary to send announcements.  But it might be a good compromise with the FMIL to keeping distant, extended family "in the loop".

Like others have mentioned, this is a battle your FI should be taking on.  His mom, his problem.  You shouldn't be involved.  He just needs to keep shutting her down and tell her the subject is closed.  These aren't people he wants to invite, so they aren't being invited.  Period.