Wedding Etiquette Forum

Fiancé wants friend I’ve never met as BM

Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation. My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years, and since we’ve both been long removed from our hometowns, I never met his childhood best friend that still lives in the area. I’ve met his family and some other friends plenty of times before and have had opportunities to meet this particular friend, but the plans never worked out (ALWAYS because of him). My fiancé is pretty set on him being the BM and I’m not gonna protest because that’s his choice, but is it weird to basically have a complete stranger in my wedding party?? I’m also concerned that at the end of the day, my fiancé will be disappointed with this choice because I feel like if he was truly a good friend the potential BM would’ve made an effort to meet the person (me) he’ll be spending the rest of his life with. And for reference, my fiancé has met all my bridesmaids and has had a chance to form relationships with each of them. I sincerely trust my fiancé’s judgment, but at the end of the day I’m really kinda nervous to have a stranger be part of my wedding party. 

Re: Fiancé wants friend I’ve never met as BM

  • I think life happens.   It's a bit odd that the BM has never met you but I don't think it's all that uncommon when people move away from friends.     
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It happens sometimes, when people are geographically far apart. I wouldn't worry about it unless the BM actually says or does something that squicks you out.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 9
    Just wondering if anyone has been in this situation. My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years, and since we’ve both been long removed from our hometowns, I never met his childhood best friend that still lives in the area. I’ve met his family and some other friends plenty of times before and have had opportunities to meet this particular friend, but the plans never worked out (ALWAYS because of him). My fiancé is pretty set on him being the BM and I’m not gonna protest because that’s his choice, but is it weird to basically have a complete stranger in my wedding party?? I’m also concerned that at the end of the day, my fiancé will be disappointed with this choice because I feel like if he was truly a good friend the potential BM would’ve made an effort to meet the person (me) he’ll be spending the rest of his life with. And for reference, my fiancé has met all my bridesmaids and has had a chance to form relationships with each of them. I sincerely trust my fiancé’s judgment, but at the end of the day I’m really kinda nervous to have a stranger be part of my wedding party. 
    It's not a stranger. It's your FI's friend. It's not "my WP", it's his side of the collective your WP. It sounds like you've forgotten that this is just as much your FI's wedding as yours. 

    He's a grown man, he can invite who he wants to be his BM. You say you trust his judgment, but then you say that he's going to be disappointed because you somehow have more insight into this friendship than he does. You get no say in his side of the WP. You're being overbearing and condescending to your FI here and you need to stop. 
  • Woah, that was very rude of you. Don’t understand why you are so bitterly judging a stranger on the internet who has some nerves relating to a situation I’m not sure anyone would be completely comfortable in. I just wanted to see other people’s experience in a similar situation to make sure I really have no reason to worry. 
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don't worry about it. Your FI should pick his best friend to be his BM. Just because you haven't been able to meet face to face doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him. I'm not sure that DD had met SIL's best man and one of his groomsmen before they got married. Take a deep breath and have a drink it will all work out I'm sure.
  • Maybe it is because I moved away from my own hometown in early adulthood, but I don't think the situation sounds that odd.  It really shouldn't be a big deal.  I'd suggest trying to adjust your perspective and see this as an opportunity to finally meet your FI's childhood friend.  Your WP is 100% your choice and your FI's WP is 100% his choice.

    It's possible your FI will regret asking this person to be his BM but, unless something huge happens, it would only be a mild regret if anything.  I don't see that being a big deal either.  Everything for a wedding seems super important in the midst of planning.  But, once the big day arrives, it's usually just happiness and then later on, pleasant memories.  Your FI will probably be fine with his BM choice.  But, even if he isn't, it's not something he'll dwell on.

    FWIW, I was a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding, but had not met her FI until the rehearsal dinner because I live a plane's ride away from them.  I didn't think it was weird and didn't get the impression that anyone else did either.  My meeting him was a mutual, excited feeling of "Yay!  It's so nice to finally meet you!"   
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Woah, that was very rude of you. Don’t understand why you are so bitterly judging a stranger on the internet who has some nerves relating to a situation I’m not sure anyone would be completely comfortable in. I just wanted to see other people’s experience in a similar situation to make sure I really have no reason to worry. 
    Not judging, just responding to what you put out there. 

    This isn't a situation for you to manage. You're making something where nothing exists. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your FI is allowed to choose whomever he wants.

    And people don't spend much time and energy later in life regretting who they chose for their wedding party, as momentous a choice as that may seem now.
    short+sassy
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