Tell her. Tell her now. She needs to know ASAP.

MissKittyDanger

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

Casadena

banana468 said:

Casadena said:

banana468 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

kerbohl said:

My parents and MIL are no where near needing to find someone to live with, but I've already had this discussion.  We discussed this years ago.  I can't imagine having it be something that will probably happen in the near future and not having an in depth conversation.

Truth be told, we'll probably have to have the discussion again.  If it's my mom that has to live with someone, hubby is fine.  If it's my dad ... my dad can be really negative.

Same. We've had the general conversations, but it can't end there. We have no idea what kind of care our parents will be or what our living/financial situation will be when the time comes. We think we'd be fine with our moms, but my dad would drive me crazy and FIL is a non starter. 

I'm thinking about this from a culture perspective. H's family comes from generational living - his grandmother's house currently houses 4 generations, while his grandfather lives with his mom. Right or wrong, there's an assumption that aging parents end up living with the kids. I wonder if there's some assumption like that fueling why the wife isn't talking to LW. Either way, this seems to be the week for married people who don't talk to each other. 

That may well be.

We witnessed this with SIL and BIL.  On SIL's side the aging family lives with the children.   It's clear that was the thought process that they had when they purchased their home in the last couple years because there is a bedroom with a bathroom in their basement.   According to MIL (and I do take some of her stories with a grain of salt) SIL's dad said, "Well in OUR family we take in the aging family."  And MIL's response was, "I'll go where you tell me."  She dealt with that with her mom and they were VERY clear that moving her mom to live with MIL and FIL was a non starter. 

Side note: I giggle at the above situation because when MIL and FIL were considering moving to live close to BIL his answer was, "Well, sure but maybe no closer than 45 minutes away."  

In the last year my IL's were talking about moving closer to one of their jobs (closer to the city, they're waaaay out in IL that's not even really suburbia).  The few houses they actually looked at ended up being about 10 minutes away from SIL/BIL, 15 minutes from us, and no closer to either of their jobs *eye-roll*.  SIL had similar talk with them as the bolded and it did NOT go well.  Pretty sure MIL's response was something along the lines of "F you, maybe we'll just move across the country and not tell you."  

I think if you're looking to move that close to one of your kids/grandkids it would be nice to at least have a conversation about it.  Not that we can tell anyone where to move, but you'd think they would at least want to know how we all thought about it.  

Well, what was amusing was that if MIL and FIL moved to be closer to BIL and SIL that would have been the POINT.  They would be packing up from their home state and moving to a new one more than hundreds of miles away.  When BIL basically said, "I love you but don't want to see you that often," it was a clear push to MIL and FIL to tell them to go pound sand.

FIL also said, "Dude I'll buy a house where I want to."  It was also a point to BIL to say that he can't tell his parents what to do. That said, BIL/SIL clearly are incongruous in that approach and it's left a salty taste in the mouths of MIL and FIL.   MIL is definitely negative and high maintenance and manipulative but she's loving, means well and is their mom.   It's just clear that when BIL and SIL say, "This is our approach to parents they didn't insert the (SIL's name) between to and parents."  It's something that hasn't been lost on MIL and FIL.   

MIL and FIL did ask what we thought about them moving close to us and we were for it.   They now live in town and they're part of our "bubble" but not part of our dwelling.

Gotcha, theirs was definitely a little different situation - my IL's already live 45 minutes away, so it absolutely seemed like a front to just be suuper close to us/SIL.  Which we'd probably be more ok with if 1) they thought to even ask how we all felt about it 2) it was actually closer or more convenient to work like they said was the motivation.  

The bolded describes my MIL to a T.  She is equally wonderful and helpful and also drives me up a gd wall.  When we were debating the move to chicagoland and especially house hunting once we got here - my rule for H was basically that I will look anywhere as long as we're at least 45 minutes away from them.  They are absolutely the type to just drop by, or would expect to have dinner together multiple nights a week.  again, that's fine if everyone is on board.  But if we ever weren't, they are also the type to get really butt-hurt about it and then be passive aggressively absent for awhile.  

My parents could live next door and we'd still probably see them once a month, lol.  

missJeanLouise

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

I don't even want them attached. I want a guest house, across the yard, lol.

mrsconn23

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

My sister has one at her house. It's off her kitchen.  It's a smaller first floor master with a full bath.  

MyNameIsNot

missJeanLouise said:

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

I don't even want them attached. I want a guest house, across the yard, lol.

That would be ideal for so many people! My grandma on mom's side is in her 80s living alone. She's fine to cook for herself and take care of basic things, but she shouldn't be driving anymore or carrying stuff up and down the steps. She does not want to live with anyone, but putting her in a guest house would mean someone is there to help with errands/heavy lifting, but she could have the privacy and independence of her own place. 

missJeanLouise

MyNameIsNot said:

missJeanLouise said:

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

I don't even want them attached. I want a guest house, across the yard, lol.

That would be ideal for so many people! My grandma on mom's side is in her 80s living alone. She's fine to cook for herself and take care of basic things, but she shouldn't be driving anymore or carrying stuff up and down the steps. She does not want to live with anyone, but putting her in a guest house would mean someone is there to help with errands/heavy lifting, but she could have the privacy and independence of her own place. 

Exactly. My Nana, in her 90s, still lives alone in her own house with no interest in moving. She will need to at some point but I know it would be an easier pill to swallow if she can maintain some independence and privacy, and a small garden.

mrsconn23

missJeanLouise said:

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

I don't even want them attached. I want a guest house, across the yard, lol.

LOL, FIL's 'in law suite' is his own house about 5 miles away as the crow flies.  Sometimes, that's even too close.  

ei34

missJeanLouise said:

MyNameIsNot said:

missJeanLouise said:

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

I don't even want them attached. I want a guest house, across the yard, lol.

That would be ideal for so many people! My grandma on mom's side is in her 80s living alone. She's fine to cook for herself and take care of basic things, but she shouldn't be driving anymore or carrying stuff up and down the steps. She does not want to live with anyone, but putting her in a guest house would mean someone is there to help with errands/heavy lifting, but she could have the privacy and independence of her own place. 

Exactly. My Nana, in her 90s, still lives alone in her own house with no interest in moving. She will need to at some point but I know it would be an easier pill to swallow if she can maintain some independence and privacy, and a small garden.

My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago at 90 and lived for the last couple years with 24-hour care in her home.  My dad and two of his siblings offered for years for her to live with them but she was adamant about staying in her apartment.  

MissKittyDanger

missJeanLouise said:

MissKittyDanger said:

missJeanLouise said:

Given the option to chose, I would build small, separate, houses on our property for our parents to live in. All of our parents are tolerable but I don't live well with others. Hell, if I could have a separate small house too that would be great lol.

This use to be a thing on houses. "In law suite" It was like a small area that was mostly like a small apartment attached to the main house.

I don't even want them attached. I want a guest house, across the yard, lol.

Pretty sure my mum feels the same about my granny but also not because health issues lol and snow