Groom insisted on having a large wedding party which, in addition to our siblings, close friends and cousins, also includes my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and his brother's girlfriend. I had a bad feeling about this because his brother's girlfriend and I do not get along. There also may be a little resentment because I am getting married before she is (brother and her have been together longer than us), have met more of the family, and have a good relationship with my parents (she does not).
Also, my family is able to pay for a formal wedding which surprised the groom's brother who thought we would just go to the courthouse. One of my friends pointed out that whatever is going on with my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend, or her and her family, has nothing to do with my wedding. My future in-law's are very kind and might even host a reception for them if they ever got married. I even told the groom that if they wanted to get engaged and announce it (or elope and celebrate) at our reception), I would be okay with it. That's probably not going to happen, and if that were ever to get back to her, she'd probably think I was being patronizing.
It is not as though we're outright mean to each other; it's more of a situation where we are both shy women who never had much to talk about to each other. Over the years, however, she has become colder towards me and the last time I tried to talk to her (we were both at my future in-law's house), she just looked at me with a blank expression (some might say resting bitch face) and walked away. Groom said that he asked her to be a bridesmaid (groomsmaid, informally, and how I'll now refer to her) at the same time that he asked his brother to be the best man, and they both agreed. That being said, when I sent an email out to the wedding party about our plans to postpone the wedding due to the pandemic (first email I ever sent her), groomsmaid literally wrote back, "stop emailing me. thanks."
I got very upset, forwarded it to groom and his mother and wrote, "guess she's out of the bridal party." To put it bluntly, email is how I communicate with the bridal party, and she's lucky I didn't uninvite her to the wedding (or plan include her as "guest" on the invitation) for being such a bitch to me. This was a few months ago and I still get angry about it. We got together for groom's birthday party more recently and because I was there, she just got up, didn't say anything and went to her room (she's currently living with groom's brother at his parents' house). I'm a nice person and didn't say anything, but I know that someone else would've confronted her about that. I even find myself having fantasies of tackling her to the ground, but would never actually do that. I wouldn't actually hurt her; I just would like an apology and/or something nice to come of out of her mouth like the other people we've asked to be in our wedding. Groom's brother and his parents just let her act like a brat, I assume due to her family drama. I really feel badly if she were raised so horribly that she can't express any kind of congratulations or graciousness in even being asked. She once spoke of feeling excluded by women at her job, so that was another reason I was trying to be inclusive. It's like she doesn't even care if she hurts the groom, her boyfriend or their mother, by being so hateful towards me.
A silver lining of the pandemic is that I don't go in the house currently and get to spend the holidays away from her. Groom is now upset that I said she is no longer a bridesmaid, so I sent an email to her (just kidding!). I sent an email to him and his mother saying that we still have over a year to go and a lot can happen in that time. At one point, his mother even promised to pay for her dress. We are going to make it as easy as possible. I'm not having a bridal shower (opting for a small bridal nail party the day before that is optional for bridesmaids to attend), getting ready with the bridesmaids nor having any bridesmaid tasks, as myself, my mother, future mother-in-law, and wedding coordinator will take care of those details.
Right now, I am just leaving the whole situation on the back burner and will come back to it about a year before the wedding. I want to maintain some sense of peace in the family, but I also want to not feel like a doormat. I feel like I had to suck it up and allow her back in the wedding (or at least, put her back in a position where she can reject me) just to make the groom happy and appease his family. She obviously dominates his brother and the parents tread carefully around her. At some point, I need to talk to my future brother-in-law about this situation. To look at it objectively, I would like her in the wedding party as it would balance out the men and women. I also worry about her dressing inappropriately as a guest, being on her phone during the ceremony (she's always on her phone, even at the dinner table or when out-of-town family is visiting) or even not coming and possibly causing some mishap with the best man showing up (they didn't come to an important family get-together in the past so I wouldn't put this against her). Having her as a bridesmaid keeps her out of trouble (if that makes any sense).
I don't know what to say or do in this situation. If I were to eventually go up to her and flat out ask "are you or are you not in our wedding party anymore and whom should I email the information as you do not want me to contact you?" groomsmaid would roll her eyes and walk away, and I would call her a four-letter word in my head. I also don't want to make the groom or his brother upset (they are very close) and, it seems like, there are moments where the three of them have had fun together as good friends (before I even came into the picture). I'm just looking for any advice and have even contemplated asking a close friend or the wedding coordinator to call her to literally know how many bouquets we will need.
It is ridiculous how much of a wall she has put up in the family all over something (some might say) as simple as being a bridesmaid in her boyfriend's brother’s wedding at no cost to herself. I don't want to come across as a Bridezilla, but it may come down to me emailing the groom, his mother and brother a year before the wedding and just saying I need you three to do a (insert groomsmaid's name) intervention, sit down with her and ask whether or not she wants to be in the wedding, and if I do not hear back confirmation by such-and-such date, she is out. If I come across as cold and controlling, so be it.