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Bridesmaid Drama - Long Post

Groom insisted on having a large wedding party which, in addition to our siblings, close friends and cousins, also includes my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and his brother's girlfriend. I had a bad feeling about this because his brother's girlfriend and I do not get along. There also may be a little resentment because I am getting married before she is (brother and her have been together longer than us), have met more of the family, and have a good relationship with my parents (she does not). 

Also, my family is able to pay for a formal wedding which surprised the groom's brother who thought we would just go to the courthouse. One of my friends pointed out that whatever is going on with my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend, or her and her family, has nothing to do with my wedding. My future in-law's are very kind and might even host a reception for them if they ever got married. I even told the groom that if they wanted to get engaged and announce it (or elope and celebrate) at our reception), I would be okay with it. That's probably not going to happen, and if that were ever to get back to her, she'd probably think I was being patronizing.

It is not as though we're outright mean to each other; it's more of a situation where we are both shy women who never had much to talk about to each other. Over the years, however, she has become colder towards me and the last time I tried to talk to her (we were both at my future in-law's house), she just looked at me with a blank expression (some might say resting bitch face) and walked away. Groom said that he asked her to be a bridesmaid (groomsmaid, informally, and how I'll now refer to her) at the same time that he asked his brother to be the best man, and they both agreed. That being said, when I sent an email out to the wedding party about our plans to postpone the wedding due to the pandemic (first email I ever sent her), groomsmaid literally wrote back, "stop emailing me. thanks."

I got very upset, forwarded it to groom and his mother and wrote, "guess she's out of the bridal party." To put it bluntly, email is how I communicate with the bridal party, and she's lucky I didn't uninvite her to the wedding (or plan include her as "guest" on the invitation) for being such a bitch to me. This was a few months ago and I still get angry about it. We got together for groom's birthday party more recently and because I was there, she just got up, didn't say anything and went to her room (she's currently living with groom's brother at his parents' house). I'm a nice person and didn't say anything, but I know that someone else would've confronted her about that. I even find myself having fantasies of tackling her to the ground, but would never actually do that. I wouldn't actually hurt her; I just would like an apology and/or something nice to come of out of her mouth like the other people we've asked to be in our wedding. Groom's brother and his parents just let her act like a brat, I assume due to her family drama. I really feel badly if she were raised so horribly that she can't express any kind of congratulations or graciousness in even being asked. She once spoke of feeling excluded by women at her job, so that was another reason I was trying to be inclusive. It's like she doesn't even care if she hurts the groom, her boyfriend or their mother, by being so hateful towards me.

A silver lining of the pandemic is that I don't go in the house currently and get to spend the holidays away from her. Groom is now upset that I said she is no longer a bridesmaid, so I sent an email to her (just kidding!). I sent an email to him and his mother saying that we still have over a year to go and a lot can happen in that time. At one point, his mother even promised to pay for her dress. We are going to make it as easy as possible. I'm not having a bridal shower (opting for a small bridal nail party the day before that is optional for bridesmaids to attend), getting ready with the bridesmaids nor having any bridesmaid tasks, as myself, my mother, future mother-in-law, and wedding coordinator will take care of those details.

Right now, I am just leaving the whole situation on the back burner and will come back to it about a year before the wedding. I want to maintain some sense of peace in the family, but I also want to not feel like a doormat. I feel like I had to suck it up and allow her back in the wedding (or at least, put her back in a position where she can reject me) just to make the groom happy and appease his family. She obviously dominates his brother and the parents tread carefully around her. At some point, I need to talk to my future brother-in-law about this situation. To look at it objectively, I would like her in the wedding party as it would balance out the men and women. I also worry about her dressing inappropriately as a guest, being on her phone during the ceremony (she's always on her phone, even at the dinner table or when out-of-town family is visiting) or even not coming and possibly causing some mishap with the best man showing up (they didn't come to an important family get-together in the past so I wouldn't put this against her). Having her as a bridesmaid keeps her out of trouble (if that makes any sense). 

I don't know what to say or do in this situation. If I were to eventually go up to her and flat out ask "are you or are you not in our wedding party anymore and whom should I email the information as you do not want me to contact you?" groomsmaid would roll her eyes and walk away, and I would call her a four-letter word in my head. I also don't want to make the groom or his brother upset (they are very close) and, it seems like, there are moments where the three of them have had fun together as good friends (before I even came into the picture). I'm just looking for any advice and have even contemplated asking a close friend or the wedding coordinator to call her to literally know how many bouquets we will need. 

It is ridiculous how much of a wall she has put up in the family all over something (some might say) as simple as being a bridesmaid in her boyfriend's brother’s wedding at no cost to herself. I don't want to come across as a Bridezilla, but it may come down to me emailing the groom, his mother and brother a year before the wedding and just saying I need you three to do a (insert groomsmaid's name) intervention, sit down with her and ask whether or not she wants to be in the wedding, and if I do not hear back confirmation by such-and-such date, she is out. If I come across as cold and controlling, so be it.

Re: Bridesmaid Drama - Long Post

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    Groom insisted on having a large wedding party which, in addition to our siblings, close friends and cousins, also includes my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and his brother's girlfriend. I had a bad feeling about this because his brother's girlfriend and I do not get along. There also may be a little resentment because I am getting married before she is (brother and her have been together longer than us), have met more of the family, and have a good relationship with my parents (she does not). 

    Also, my family is able to pay for a formal wedding which surprised the groom's brother who thought we would just go to the courthouse. One of my friends pointed out that whatever is going on with my future brother-in-law and his girlfriend, or her and her family, has nothing to do with my wedding. My future in-law's are very kind and might even host a reception for them if they ever got married. I even told the groom that if they wanted to get engaged and announce it (or elope and celebrate) at our reception), I would be okay with it. That's probably not going to happen, and if that were ever to get back to her, she'd probably think I was being patronizing.

    It is not as though we're outright mean to each other; it's more of a situation where we are both shy women who never had much to talk about to each other. Over the years, however, she has become colder towards me and the last time I tried to talk to her (we were both at my future in-law's house), she just looked at me with a blank expression (some might say resting bitch face) and walked away. Groom said that he asked her to be a bridesmaid (groomsmaid, informally, and how I'll now refer to her) at the same time that he asked his brother to be the best man, and they both agreed. That being said, when I sent an email out to the wedding party about our plans to postpone the wedding due to the pandemic (first email I ever sent her), groomsmaid literally wrote back, "stop emailing me. thanks."

    I got very upset, forwarded it to groom and his mother and wrote, "guess she's out of the bridal party." To put it bluntly, email is how I communicate with the bridal party, and she's lucky I didn't uninvite her to the wedding (or plan include her as "guest" on the invitation) for being such a bitch to me. This was a few months ago and I still get angry about it. We got together for groom's birthday party more recently and because I was there, she just got up, didn't say anything and went to her room (she's currently living with groom's brother at his parents' house). I'm a nice person and didn't say anything, but I know that someone else would've confronted her about that. I even find myself having fantasies of tackling her to the ground, but would never actually do that. I wouldn't actually hurt her; I just would like an apology and/or something nice to come of out of her mouth like the other people we've asked to be in our wedding. Groom's brother and his parents just let her act like a brat, I assume due to her family drama. I really feel badly if she were raised so horribly that she can't express any kind of congratulations or graciousness in even being asked. She once spoke of feeling excluded by women at her job, so that was another reason I was trying to be inclusive. It's like she doesn't even care if she hurts the groom, her boyfriend or their mother, by being so hateful towards me.

    A silver lining of the pandemic is that I don't go in the house currently and get to spend the holidays away from her. Groom is now upset that I said she is no longer a bridesmaid, so I sent an email to her (just kidding!). I sent an email to him and his mother saying that we still have over a year to go and a lot can happen in that time. At one point, his mother even promised to pay for her dress. We are going to make it as easy as possible. I'm not having a bridal shower (opting for a small bridal nail party the day before that is optional for bridesmaids to attend), getting ready with the bridesmaids nor having any bridesmaid tasks, as myself, my mother, future mother-in-law, and wedding coordinator will take care of those details.

    Right now, I am just leaving the whole situation on the back burner and will come back to it about a year before the wedding. I want to maintain some sense of peace in the family, but I also want to not feel like a doormat. I feel like I had to suck it up and allow her back in the wedding (or at least, put her back in a position where she can reject me) just to make the groom happy and appease his family. She obviously dominates his brother and the parents tread carefully around her. At some point, I need to talk to my future brother-in-law about this situation. To look at it objectively, I would like her in the wedding party as it would balance out the men and women. I also worry about her dressing inappropriately as a guest, being on her phone during the ceremony (she's always on her phone, even at the dinner table or when out-of-town family is visiting) or even not coming and possibly causing some mishap with the best man showing up (they didn't come to an important family get-together in the past so I wouldn't put this against her). Having her as a bridesmaid keeps her out of trouble (if that makes any sense). 

    I don't know what to say or do in this situation. If I were to eventually go up to her and flat out ask "are you or are you not in our wedding party anymore and whom should I email the information as you do not want me to contact you?" groomsmaid would roll her eyes and walk away, and I would call her a four-letter word in my head. I also don't want to make the groom or his brother upset (they are very close) and, it seems like, there are moments where the three of them have had fun together as good friends (before I even came into the picture). I'm just looking for any advice and have even contemplated asking a close friend or the wedding coordinator to call her to literally know how many bouquets we will need. 

    It is ridiculous how much of a wall she has put up in the family all over something (some might say) as simple as being a bridesmaid in her boyfriend's brother’s wedding at no cost to herself. I don't want to come across as a Bridezilla, but it may come down to me emailing the groom, his mother and brother a year before the wedding and just saying I need you three to do a (insert groomsmaid's name) intervention, sit down with her and ask whether or not she wants to be in the wedding, and if I do not hear back confirmation by such-and-such date, she is out. If I come across as cold and controlling, so be it.

    Oh boy.  If you want to avoid drama this is not the way to do it. 

    You need to pick up the phone.  You know she uses it.  So own that you screwed up big time (you did) when you told other people that she was kicked out of the wedding.   Have a heart to heart.  Tell her that you hope she can be in the wedding and you're sorry for any miscommunication.

    She sounds like no prize and has some hard edges to that personality.   But you / your FI asked her to be in the wedding and she's dating your FBIL and living with family.  You are going to be the bad guy here so acknowledge it and now attempt to be gracious.  You don't need to be a doormat but you need to handle this as a request and an apology on your end and not a conversation that sounds like <"Well do you want to or not?" 

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    I honestly can't even read all of this because it's such immature drama. Are you all still in high school??
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2020
    Wow, lots of drama.

    You should have shut down your fiance when he insisted on telling you to make his SIL a bridesmaid. He has no business telling you whom to include on your side, just as you have no business telling him who to include on his side. If he wanted his SIL to be in the wedding party, he should have asked her to stand up with him.

    That said, it was rude of you to expel her after you asked her (regardless of why you asked her). Her rudeness to you didn't rise to the level of being so offensive that it warranted you in asking her. Very few things actually do-they're limited to violence, threats of violence and sleeping with one's fiance. But telling you to stop emailing her did not. I would have ignored that and ignored her. If her outfit doesn't match the other bridesmaids', so what? If she doesn't show up at a party or pose for photos, again, so what? They would not have invalidated your marriage, and they would have just made her look bad without reflecting on you or anyone else.

    All a bridesmaid is required to do is to show up in the designated outfit on time, sober and in good spirits. If she refuses to do that, she has taken herself put of the wedding party. Had your SIL not showed up in the right outfit at your wedding because she didn't get the emails indicating which outfit was correct, she would have removed herself from your wedding party and you could have told her so then. But as we say, demoting or terminating a wedding party member before the wedding is a relationship-threatening move. 

    Unfortunately, by not standing up to your fiance when you chose your attendants and by engaging in unnecessary drama with his SIL, you missed opportunities to handle this politely and appropriately. It's too bad.
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    All of this because she said "please stop emailing me?" 

    Your FI asked her to stand on his side as a groomsmaid. That's his decision. He's responsible for communication for his side of the wedding party.  

    Clearly, you don't like her and want to stir up drama. You need to grow the hell up. This is just sad. 
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    I didn’t have any contact with my H’s side of the bridal party.  Your FSIL (and every other BP member) just have to show up to the ceremony on time in the agreed upon attire.  There don’t have to be emails a year out, but when it comes time to communicate with your BPs, let your FI deal with his party members.
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    Thanks for the input. I now see that I acted immaturely and it was not my place to say whether or not she is still in the wedding. Closer to the date, I'll talk to my FI about her possibly wearing the BM dress in different color and standing on his side. It's up to him to communicate the information to her on time and I'll just leave it alone. Also, our wedding was supposed to be Spring 2021 but was postponed, so that's why we even asked people so early.
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    Thanks for the input. I now see that I acted immaturely and it was not my place to say whether or not she is still in the wedding. Closer to the date, I'll talk to my FI about her possibly wearing the BM dress in different color and standing on his side. It's up to him to communicate the information to her on time and I'll just leave it alone. Also, our wedding was supposed to be Spring 2021 but was postponed, so that's why we even asked people so early.
    You  need to apologize now though.  Leaving this as an open elephant in the room is only going to stir things up while they are unresolved.
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    All of this because she said "please stop emailing me?" 

    Your FI asked her to stand on his side as a groomsmaid. That's his decision. He's responsible for communication for his side of the wedding party.  

    Clearly, you don't like her and want to stir up drama. You need to grow the hell up. This is just sad. 
    LOL. Yeah if I wasn't close to you and I assumed my BF's brother had asked me to be a groomsmaid (i.e. on his side of the wedding party), and suddenly I started getting emails from the bride about bridesmaid stuff, I would be like, "I'm not going to be participating in any of this shower planning or what have you, so please leave me off these emails in future" and I don't really see that as me being a b*tch. (Now, you didn't say what the content of the email was, but if it was anything beyond "Here's when and where the wedding will be, and here's what we're asking you to wear within your budget that we already privately asked you for" then it's optional information.)

    Could she have worded it slightly nicer? Maybe?
    Is it a crazy awful thing to have said to you that warranted all this dramatics from you? Absolutely not.

    If you don't want this to become a family rift, then apologize for overreacting.
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    Take a step back. Yes, she was rude with the “stop emailing me” but that doesn’t mean being rude back is going to make it any better. 

    Apologize for what you said. Then move on. This woman is clearly in your world and you both are perpetuating this relationship. If you want it to be different take that first step. 
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