Hi, it's my first time posting here! My fiance and I got engaged last week after 6 years together. We are both 22 and have talked about the wedding and life we want together for several years now. I would appreciate some outside perspectives.
The main issue is we are both about to graduate undergrad. We both want to enter graduate school the next immediate year. However, neither of us want to go if the program will be held online due to covid - we would defer for a year. I feel very stressed and unsure trying to decide when to get married. It's important to me to do within the next few years, but I also don't want to be foolish and put ourselves into debt, or stress ourselves out way too much while in school. However, I am not very excited by the idea of waiting until after we graduate, especially if we defer another year. I am realistically worried about money, as we both have worked and supported ourselves entirely through undergrad and will continue to do so in grad school.
My partner is sort of leaning towards waiting until after we graduate, but I am worried that we'll be just as busy then with doing internships and things like that that we need to do for the careers we want. Almost like 'will there ever be a time when we aren't busy'? I feel like we always will be, so we might as well just plan it..that was the debate before covid. And now, with covid, I don't even want to begin planning because I want to be sure that this is over before setting anything. To be fair, I think after we graduate we would be making more money, so that could be one problem reduced. It feels so hard to talk about a budget when we don't know what job I will be working in grad school (I'm currently in an undergrad-only student position), if we'll even be in school at all next year...there's so much to think about.
There is another reason towards waiting that I might post elsewhere about. I have spent most of my undergrad either very sick or very busy with work, and as a result have a pretty small social group. I have very dear friends, but they don't live in the same state. I really hope for the opportunity to meet some good, close friends during grad school, to have more support in my own life and to have people that live here to celebrate with. It's felt very isolating trying to celebrate our engagement during covid with...not a ton of people to tell.
I'm aware that there's not any real rush, etc, but this is something that I want very much. I feel ok about our ability to plan a wedding and have it during school, but I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, so again, I would appreciate some opinions. I feel like my life is going to change drastically next year, and it feels absolutely impossible to even talk about a budget or planning a wedding when I'm not sure if I'll be in school, what job I'll be working, if we are in school if we'll be able to tell if the stress will be manageable, etc.
I'm sorry for the long post! I hope this is alright. Thank you in advance
Re: choosing to get married in grad school or not + covid!
As for waiting because you might have more friends in the future, I would try not to think about this. It puts too much pressure on future friendships to be "wedding worthy". The number one way to keep costs down is to keep the guest list small. You can always plan to include 10- 15 extra people in your budget if you want to add some last minute.
If you're planning to do something small with just a handful of people, I'd say go ahead and plan now. But if you're planning on anything that's larger than 25 or so people, I would wait. Covid is still really unpredictable right now, and having to cancel or postpone may add extra expense. It sounds like funds are already tight.
One other thing that I'll add, depending on how you plan to finance grad school, you should talk to your financial aid office. Sometimes grants and federal funding look at financial resources, which can change if you're married.
That is a really good idea about budgeting for extra people, and I value the input about the pressure on future friendships, I see that now. thank you. I know that above all I want a special day with my best friend.
Thank you for validating my worries that I will always be busy, haha! We have always wanted a smaller wedding, but I think even if we can't plan right now we should decide on a relatively firm guest count, and other things, so we can use that information to help decide. even though I will still have to think about this for a while, these tips will help me either way!
Edited to fix sentence structure.
The best advice whether you're in grad school or not is do not plan an event you can't afford! I've been to amazing weddings held at the county fairgrounds and I've been to dreadful weddings at super spendy expensive "wedding" venues, it's the energy you bring to the day that matters, and it's a lot easier to enjoy yourselves when you aren't worried about how much you spent while still providing a great experience for your guests.
The challenge right now with planning though is all the events for 2020 that were cancelled and rescheduled for 2021 and 2022, by the time things fully open up without restrictions again is going to be 2023, by then, you both could be completely done with Grad School and into well paying professions!
I would go ahead and plan a small wedding (tiny, TINY wedding, like immediate-family-only small). If you want to have a big celebration for your first or second or fifth or whatever anniversary, you can even break out the dress and renew your vows in a big wedding do-over (and if you point to CoViD as the reason for your small original wedding, ain't nobody gonna fault you for playing it safe today and then living it up when things are safe and you've got more stable finances).
Also, I wish you luck in the job hunt after grad school; part of the reason our finances are tight is that I haven't been able to get a decent job, even after graduating college with two separate degree fields (huzzah for parents that will pay for you to go back! Everyone should be so lucky). Parents are also willing to help with paying for the wedding and perhaps with a house, but after that, day-to-day living will be on us, and given my unemployability, it seems to fall on future husband's shoulders; make sure you've got a backup plan for if one or both of you can't get a job that pays diddlysquat. I don't know what the plan should be (given you're putting yourselves through college, I'm guessing your families aren't well-off enough to offer a big safety net), but "for richer or poorer" could end up being put to the test much sooner than you'd like.