Bonus Slate Plus letter -- No, tell those people you want to stop exchanging gifts

short+sassy

Gift giving: I’ve always been a “It’s better to give than receive” type, but is it poor taste to stop exchanging with people who seem to give gifts just for the sake of having something to hand over? My husband and I always try to give thoughtful gifts that are relevant to the receivers’ interests and we receive gifts that are of no use (pajama sets that aren’t in our size, oversized coffee mugs, wine that we don’t drink, etc). We recently mentioned to them that we should “save our money” since it seems all we’re doing is exchanging money and just shopping for the kids in order to not hurt their feelings. Are we wrong in our thinking?

banana468

short+sassy said:

Gift giving: I’ve always been a “It’s better to give than receive” type, but is it poor taste to stop exchanging with people who seem to give gifts just for the sake of having something to hand over? My husband and I always try to give thoughtful gifts that are relevant to the receivers’ interests and we receive gifts that are of no use (pajama sets that aren’t in our size, oversized coffee mugs, wine that we don’t drink, etc). We recently mentioned to them that we should “save our money” since it seems all we’re doing is exchanging money and just shopping for the kids in order to not hurt their feelings. Are we wrong in our thinking?

How many people are you doing this with?   

FWIW, we don't exchange gifts really outside our intimate family circle.  For those that come to our home on Christmas Day I usually gift a bottle of wine.   If the guests don' drink it then they can cook with it or gift it away.  

But if this is more like, "We exchange gifts with my brother and it seems like we're going through the motions" then that's where you can initiate the conversation about how you think it's time to stop.  

MissKittyDanger

I have 4 uncles who are extremely hard to purchase for, so I always default to baked goods. If I see something they like, I will purchase for them.

I've also told them not to buy anything for myself, just for BK if they want.

LW could also do "pull names from a hat" if they wanna give gifts but also dials it back.

Not like Christmas is a requirement for gifts, but sounds like LW enjoys shopping for others.

charlotte989875

Even though you say you’re a “it’s better to give than receive” you seem real salty about what you receive. If you no longer want to exchange gifts with folks try something like “instead of exchanging gifts let’s get dinner at a nice place together (when it’s safe)”. That way you don’t insult their gift giving (some people suck at this) and you don’t feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting. 

MyNameIsNot

Ugh, this LW is my mother. She told me last week that she is literally mad at my grandmother for gifting candy and sugar. I'm so disappointed in my mom for her attitude, and am probably excessively harsh to LW because of that, but still. Sounds like LW really cares more about receiving and doesn't want to admit it.

Anyway, "These holiday gifts are really getting overwhelming. Would you mind if you and I just don't get each other anything this year? I'd really prefer to just focus on getting to spend time together." 

short+sassy

MyNameIsNot said:

Ugh, this LW is my mother. She told me last week that she is literally mad at my grandmother for gifting candy and sugar. I'm so disappointed in my mom for her attitude, and am probably excessively harsh to LW because of that, but still. Sounds like LW really cares more about receiving and doesn't want to admit it.

Anyway, "These holiday gifts are really getting overwhelming. Would you mind if you and I just don't get each other anything this year? I'd really prefer to just focus on getting to spend time together." 

I have to say, though, a counter point to that is when people give you gifts that you have already told them countless times that you don't want and don't use.

Because that's MY mom!  And it is REALLY HURTFUL to have my own mother...who has obviously known me all my life...give me sweets and candy as one of my Christmas presents every year.  I have NEVER had a sweet tooth.  Not even as a child, which was long before I was diagnosed with diabetes.  After largely cutting out simple sugars from my diet after being diagnosed, I like the taste of "sweet" even less.  Yes, what she sends me is sugar-free/no sugar added.  But I'm rarely in the mood for sweets and, when I am, it's usually only 2-3 bites and I am extremely picky about what I like.

I started out nicely and gently telling her this.  But I did that for years and it never got through.  I finally started being more direct...though not angry or rude...and that didn't work for years.  Her excuse was always, "I know you didn't care for X last year.  But I found Y this year!  I hope you like this, let me know what you think."  It really hurt my feelings every year.

The final straw came about three years ago.  Her H has Type II diabetes and they found these no sugar added lemon macaroon cookies that he really likes.  So she sent me TWO big tins of them.  She doesn't make them, they were ordered from a catalog.  I don't hate lemon flavored desserts enough that I can't eat them.  But it has always been my least favorite flavor.  Macaroons are also one of my least favorite types of cookies, because I don't care for shaved coconut either.  My eyes starting welling up with tears when I saw them.  It was like this pit of utter sadness just opened up in my body.  It wasn't about not liking the present  It's about how thoughtless that present was.

I texted her I got the package.  But I had to cool off for a few days before I could even call her and trust myself not to start crying or be angry.  It was, relatively speaking, the harshest I was to her about the stupid dessert gifts.  After she asked, I told her something like, "TBH, mom.  I don't understand why you sent me these.  And especially why you sent me so many!  I've told you so many times I don't like sweets.  Not because I'm diabetic.  Because I don't.  It doesn't matter if it's "okay" because it's sugar-free.  Plus lemon and coconut are my least favorite flavors.  I did at least try them, and they weren't as awful as I thought they'd be.  They're okay and I'll probably eat 1-2 here and there."

And that was when I heard the story that her H liked them.  I point blank told her to stop sending me food.  I used the excuse that I felt bad she spent money on things I usually didn't eat much of.  But, the real reason?  I didn't want to be on the verge of tears again next year or any other year.  And then she actually asked me, "Okay, I'm really sorry.  Would you prefer something like Hickory Farms?"

I was surprised at the ENORMOUS surge of anger and hurt I felt.  Not because HF is food.  But because I love that kind of meat and cheese stuff.  I always have.  Which she knows perfectly well.  So, yeah, "Why haven't you been sending me Hickroy f**king Farms for the last 20 f**king years?!?!"  Of course, I didn't actually say/yell that to her.  But it did take every ounce of self control not to.  I somehow managed to channel my emotion into enthusiasm and tell her, "Yes!  Something like Hickory Farms would be great.  You know I've always liked meats and cheeses."  And, at least for the last few years, that's finally what she has been doing.

I'm sorry for the really long story.  I know it probably sounds trivial to a lot of people but it was a lot of hurt for a long time, which is rolled up into other family issues, and now I find the mere subject of presents triggering.  

MissKittyDanger

MyNameIsNot said:

Ugh, this LW is my mother. She told me last week that she is literally mad at my grandmother for gifting candy and sugar. 

I would be annoyed if someone gifted BK candy/sugar - mostly because she's 2 and already isn't big on sweet foods.
MIL and SFIL got her an advent calendar to put stuff in next year - they purchased chocolate and gummies for it and filled it.

I really didn't say anything because the gesture was nice, but they also know M & I basically ate it all.
BK is weird on chocolate and I don't trust her with gummies

CharmedPam

short+sassy said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Ugh, this LW is my mother. She told me last week that she is literally mad at my grandmother for gifting candy and sugar. I'm so disappointed in my mom for her attitude, and am probably excessively harsh to LW because of that, but still. Sounds like LW really cares more about receiving and doesn't want to admit it.

Anyway, "These holiday gifts are really getting overwhelming. Would you mind if you and I just don't get each other anything this year? I'd really prefer to just focus on getting to spend time together." 

I have to say, though, a counter point to that is when people give you gifts that you have already told them countless times that you don't want and don't use.

Because that's MY mom!  And it is REALLY HURTFUL to have my own mother...who has obviously known me all my life...give me sweets and candy as one of my Christmas presents every year.  I have NEVER had a sweet tooth.  Not even as a child, which was long before I was diagnosed with diabetes.  After largely cutting out simple sugars from my diet after being diagnosed, I like the taste of "sweet" even less.  Yes, what she sends me is sugar-free/no sugar added.  But I'm rarely in the mood for sweets and, when I am, it's usually only 2-3 bites and I am extremely picky about what I like.

I started out nicely and gently telling her this.  But I did that for years and it never got through.  I finally started being more direct...though not angry or rude...and that didn't work for years.  Her excuse was always, "I know you didn't care for X last year.  But I found Y this year!  I hope you like this, let me know what you think."  It really hurt my feelings every year.

The final straw came about three years ago.  Her H has Type II diabetes and they found these no sugar added lemon macaroon cookies that he really likes.  So she sent me TWO big tins of them.  She doesn't make them, they were ordered from a catalog.  I don't hate lemon flavored desserts enough that I can't eat them.  But it has always been my least favorite flavor.  Macaroons are also one of my least favorite types of cookies, because I don't care for shaved coconut either.  My eyes starting welling up with tears when I saw them.  It was like this pit of utter sadness just opened up in my body.  It wasn't about not liking the present  It's about how thoughtless that present was.

I texted her I got the package.  But I had to cool off for a few days before I could even call her and trust myself not to start crying or be angry.  It was, relatively speaking, the harshest I was to her about the stupid dessert gifts.  After she asked, I told her something like, "TBH, mom.  I don't understand why you sent me these.  And especially why you sent me so many!  I've told you so many times I don't like sweets.  Not because I'm diabetic.  Because I don't.  It doesn't matter if it's "okay" because it's sugar-free.  Plus lemon and coconut are my least favorite flavors.  I did at least try them, and they weren't as awful as I thought they'd be.  They're okay and I'll probably eat 1-2 here and there."

And that was when I heard the story that her H liked them.  I point blank told her to stop sending me food.  I used the excuse that I felt bad she spent money on things I usually didn't eat much of.  But, the real reason?  I didn't want to be on the verge of tears again next year or any other year.  And then she actually asked me, "Okay, I'm really sorry.  Would you prefer something like Hickory Farms?"

I was surprised at the ENORMOUS surge of anger and hurt I felt.  Not because HF is food.  But because I love that kind of meat and cheese stuff.  I always have.  Which she knows perfectly well.  So, yeah, "Why haven't you been sending me Hickroy f**king Farms for the last 20 f**king years?!?!"  Of course, I didn't actually say/yell that to her.  But it did take every ounce of self control not to.  I somehow managed to channel my emotion into enthusiasm and tell her, "Yes!  Something like Hickory Farms would be great.  You know I've always liked meats and cheeses."  And, at least for the last few years, that's finally what she has been doing.

I'm sorry for the really long story.  I know it probably sounds trivial to a lot of people but it was a lot of hurt for a long time, which is rolled up into other family issues, and now I find the mere subject of presents triggering.  

But it is mine! I don’t really like macaroons, but with lemon & coconut and suddenly my mind may change.
link?

CharmedPam

CharmedPam said:

But it is mine! I don’t really like macaroons, but with lemon & coconut and suddenly my mind may change.
link?

I totally missed the point, didn’t I?

short+sassy

CharmedPam said:

CharmedPam said:

But it is mine! I don’t really like macaroons, but with lemon & coconut and suddenly my mind may change.
link?

I totally missed the point, didn’t I?

LMAO, @CharmedPam.  It's all good!  

I vaguely remembered the company name because it's "Jennies" and my name is Jenny.  I found them.  Though I'm no longer seeing a lemon one.  It's sugar-free Coconut Macaroons.  Here's an Amazon link, but is a case of 12 so it's $75 (eek).  From my Google search, it looks like some Walmarts carry them also.

Amazon.com: Jennies Sugar Free Coconut Macaroon, 8 Ounce - 12 per case.: Industrial & Scientific

FWIW, despite these cookies being my breaking point because they aren't my taste at all, they were a good quality and had a perfect texture.  To me, "texture" is one of the main things that becomes wonky with sugar substitutes, but these cookies did not have that issue.

kvruns

Totally not the same as yours S+S but I get so mad at DH (inwardly) on St. Nicholas Day and Christmas because he always fills my stocking with tons of candy that I don't want. In the past it's been diet related but even without it I want maybe 1 treat but don't want the temptation of having a bunch of candy around and then eating it all bc it is there. Every year I tell him not to and yet he still does. 

He also gets B a ton of candy and I'm like dude he's 3-4 he doesn't need that much. One candy is plenty. 

Casadena

Ugh, S+S my MIL is like this too.  I have so many expensive bottles of nail polish and makeup brushes/blenders, toiletry type items that she and my SILs LOVE but that I will never ever use.  I hate fingernail polish (love the way it looks, it makes me feel claustrophobic and my nails hurt).  She knows this.  I also don't wear makeup other than mascara.  She knows this.  But apparently on christmas and birthdays, a lot of our presents must be exactly the same *eye roll*.  It's definitely frustrating 

banana468

@short+sassy my mom is super generous but she also hasn't received the memo that I don't wear frumpy stuff. 

Look, if house coats are your thing then wear them.  My mom gave me one two years ago that I donated and she MADE me one this year.    Telling me to use it is like telling her to consider skinny  jeans.  I am going to need to come up with a way to say, "Mom - this just isn't going to happen and I have plenty of other ways to deter DH sexually." 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

@short+sassy my mom is super generous but she also hasn't received the memo that I don't wear frumpy stuff. 

Look, if house coats are your thing then wear them.  My mom gave me one two years ago that I donated and she MADE me one this year.    Telling me to use it is like telling her to consider skinny  jeans.  I am going to need to come up with a way to say, "Mom - this just isn't going to happen and I have plenty of other ways to deter DH sexually." 

LMAO at this line!

In college, I had a close friend and one of the things we had in common was WAY too much "stuff".  Especially clothing.

She would occasionally purge her closet, but had a hard time "letting go" of her things.  Either throwing them away or donating.  So she always wanted to give me all of her clothes.  Some of the clothes I wanted, but she would insist and insist even on the ones I didn't.  It was especially funny because she wore leggings 90% of the time and always had many pairs of those she wanted to give me.  Except I hate leggings!  I acknowledge the rest of the world doesn't agree with me, but I find them really uncomfortable, lol.

I finally gave up and handled it differently.  I mentally acknowledged that she "feels better" giving the clothes to a friend instead of a thrift store.  But she also never asked me about the clothes and gave me the green light that, if I found I didn't like something, I could give it to someone else or do whatever I wanted with it.  After I'd leave her house from a "purge", I'd stop at a nearby thrift store and donate the things I didn't want.  And it was a double "win", if I didn't buy more at the store then I was donating, lol.

kerbohl

@short+sassy I don't think it's trivial.  Hubby deals with it from his family, and it's amazing how much hurt can come when people that should know you, or at the very least respect you, refuse to acknowledge your likes or interests (or in your case, tastes).  Like they are using gifts to serve their own agenda and make you see their point, that these kinds of foods are tasty or these kinds of clothes are more fashionable.