You work with assholes, not friends. Even after 20 years.
Dear Prudence,
I have worked at the same place for 20 years. My wife does not work with me, but she knows many of my colleagues. We have more than 700 employees, so we have also had our share of pandemic-related tragedies. One man I worked with died of COVID last year. Recently, another workmate retired and threw a party at a bar. This raised a red flag for me, and my wife and I discussed it for weeks. I knew it was unlikely anyone would be attempting to stay physically distanced from others or wear masks. My wife gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, and she said we must go to the retirement party to honor our friend. My worst fears were borne out. We were the only people wearing masks. Ten minutes in, my wife said that maybe we should remove ours. I said, “No way! We came with masks, so we should leave with masks.” The only “friend” who gave us a kind word was the retiree. One acquaintance came up to me with his hand over his mouth and mocked me. No one else even acknowledged us. We left after about a half hour. After things get back to normal, if they ever do, I don’t want to socialize with these people again. We don’t have many friends, but can we characterize these people as true friends?
—Crowded Out
Re: You work with assholes, not friends. Even after 20 years.
Friends don't mock. Nice people plan events that don't ask people to be close proximity to each other and intelligent people wear masks.
It's time to branch out and find a new group.
Crazy times show true colours. These are not your friends.
For example, at my work, there is an informal women's luncheon and white elephant exchange for Christmas each year. I usually go. I was shocked when I got the invite last year! I couldn't believe they were still having it. I politely declined.
Then today, I got a company-wide e-mail advertising a "this company's" team in a local volleyball league and looking for sign-ups. It is an outdoor volleyball league, but still. That is way too many people all in one place for my comfort level. I mean, let's be real, I'm too uncoordinated and wouldn't sign up anyway, lol. But knowing that apparently many of my coworkers are fine doing this kind of stuff makes me that much more worried to be around them.
I try to be mindful that people have different comfort levels and everything doesn't have to be the way I think it should be. But, at the same time, I don't get it! I DON'T!!!! Other than conspiracy theorist outliers...which I realize are a disturbingly larger section of society than I would have expected...it is common knowledge, proven facts, that the highest risk for COVID spread is indoors, unmasked, with large groups of people. Right. Duh. Insert any contagious disease and that would be true. It makes absolutely no sense to put oneself in that situation. Yet, just like all the LW's coworkers, people do anyway.
Okay, rant and tangent over, lol.
But for the LW, I'm curious how friendly they were with these people to begin with. Over the years, I've been very friendly with a lot of my coworkers. It makes the job so much more pleasant. The "next" level of coworker friendship is going out for lunch or happy hour sometimes. But it has been exceedingly few coworkers...even people I have worked with for years...who I have socialized with outside of that.
No doubt the person who made fun of the masks super sucks. But, for the rest of the coworkers, I'm getting a vibe that the LW was mistaking coworker friendship with true friendship and was hurt they weren't as close as the LW thought they were.
My advice to the LW is keep things pleasant at work. But if they no longer want to socialize outside the office, then don't. And if the LW and their wife feel they are lacking in the friendship area, then start branching out and cultivating that when it is safe to do so.