Pre-wedding Parties

Sibling Wedding/Engagment


I am simply coming here to either make me feel better about the situation or get advice on how I should be feeling. Here is my story:

My boyfriend (32yrs) and I (29yrs) have been dating for over a year (met Dec 2019) and have known probably about 3-4 months into our relationship that we would get married on day. This is something we've talked about and discussed openly together. It's never really been something we've brought to the family dinner table and told everyone about.

Well my brother (27 yrs) met his girlfriend July of 2020. About two months into them dating they started talking about marriage openly with the family. I personally thought it was a little soon, but just brushed it off as his future fiance is quite the planner. She is 22 years old I should mention. Come to find out about a month ago that my brother is planning on proposing to her May 2021 (already has the ring) as they want to get married in June of 2022. They will have been dating for less than a year. I should also mention she's been engaged twice prior.

Now here's my frustration. I found out yesterday that my boyfriend was planning a proposal (although he didn't make a "public" announcement about it like my brother did) for earlier this year and now has decided to wait so he doesn't steal my brother's spotlight. While I too want to ensure that we have our own moment and spotlight, I feel now I will have have to wait till after my brother gets married to get married myself. I'm not worried about our engagements overlapping, I'm more worried about the weddings being too close together. We want an outdoor wedding in Montana and anyone who knows Montana, knows summer is really the only opportunity for that. I'm now thinking Summer 2023 is when we are going to have to wait to have our wedding so we each get our moments and don't step on anyone's toes.

While timing for me typically wouldn't be an issue, my boyfriend and I have already discussed wanting to have 3 kids and my brother knows this. If the timeline above plays out, I would be 31 when I get married. My main fear is that waiting for my brother to have his moment is going to affect my chances of having three kids, as biologically, the clock is against me. Not to mention wanting to enjoy our marriage before jumping into making babies immediately. 

My brother's girlfriend is 22 she has plenty of time to have kids without having this fear. Is it irrational of me to be frustrated about this? I've had multiple conversations with my brother about it and he has zero interest in taking my thoughts into consideration or waiting any longer to propose. He claims him and his girlfriend have talked about it before me and my boyfriend have and that it was well known his timing, however just because he can sit around the dinner table sharing their wedding plans two months into dating does not mean my boyfriend and I have not have those same conversations privately.

I appreciate your thoughts on this!

Re: Sibling Wedding/Engagment

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 24
    You need to chill out. All I read from your post is judgement and jealousy. Your brother is TWO years younger than you. You and your boyfriend talked about marriage after 3 months. Your brother talked about marriage after 2 months. Yet you're judging him harshly for it. Who cares how old his girlfriend is, or that she's been engaged before? Truly, that's not even any of your business, and that's between them. 

    You're not even 30 years old yet. I have friends having kids in their late 30s and early 40s. It's not a race. Let go of this ridiculous timeline that you need to have all your kids right away. Life may not be so kind to you anyway - you have no idea what the future holds. And on the flip side of this, you don't get to dictate to your brother and his girlfriend when they should be having kids. 

    Your brother gets one day, and you get one day. That's how weddings work. There's nothing wrong with both of you being engaged at the same time. Many families have 2 or more weddings in the same year. 

    Your post really just comes off as incredibly childish, and if you continue with this mindset, you'll more than likely ruin your relationship with your brother. Stop complaining to him about this. 

  • I'm going to agree with what was stated above. 

    Years ago when BIL was about to propose to SIL he started to sound butthurt that HER brother proposed to his now wife first.  I laughed at him to his face asking why he thought that the brother should put things on hold because he was dating the oldest in the family.  It was BS. 

    To start, they get to get engaged and you get to get engaged.  
    Second, you then can decide which is more important - an outdoor wedding (which now requires contingency plans, tents, etc in case of inclement weather) that could be planned in any # of months OR a wedding at a different time.  Frankly, the timing should be based on when you can do it and when that works for the VIPs and your finances. 

    As for getting married and having kids:
    1) You have a LOOOOONG fertile time.  I'm 40 and still need to avoid getting pregnant.  It happens to even us ancient ones. 

    2) Don't count on things until they happen.  LIfe happens while you make plans.   The older I get the more I have to let go of "this is what was supposed to happen" because it just doesn't and the more you plan the more you set yourself up for disappointment. 

    3) You're fretting over their relationship and their timing.  Instead, move to YOURS.  

    Again - expectations are the groundwork for disappointment.  I don't say that to be mean but because it took me nearly 4 decades to begin to grasp that. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Focus on yourself.   One of my sisters and I were engaged three days apart and married six months apart.  It was fun planning together.  
  • I think you need to cool with the judgements on your brother's relationships.  His relationship has nothing to do with yours.  Worrying about who has the "spotlight" and attention while engaged seems very immature to me.  Get engaged when you want to get engaged and get married when you want to get married.  I would probably work together to pick dates that aren't like, back to back weekends or something, but other than that just do your own things.  You are worrying way too much about what he is doing. 
  • Where did the idea come from that you can't have 2 weddings in the same family within the same year? The only consideration should be whether it is a burden to your parents/close family if the celebrations are scheduled too close together (like in the same month close together), and that's a conversation you need to have with them. 
  • What if you wait for your brother to get engaged and they don’t? Or they elope? Then you’ve put your life and plans on hold for the possibility someone else will do something. 

    Get engaged when it’s right for you and your partner. Get married when it’s right for you + your VIPs. 

    I got married the same year 2 of my cousins (sisters), my best friend, AND my sister. It was a busy year for sure but it’s what worked for us. No one was jealous. No one expected anyone else to put their plans on hold. And it was fun seeing everyone so often! 
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