Devastated and idk how to move forward

knottief72f0de61950f2a3

So my now husband and I dated about 5 months before getting pregnant (unplanned). Luckily, we were very much in love and serious.. but promises of marriage lasted for 5 years all while being referred to as “his wife” and being told “I want to give you a nice ring and a nice wedding, so let’s wait.” (He was also previously married.) By the time I was getting fed up, my hubby was FINALLY getting around to making plans because he had started feeling convicted by our situation.
My struggle begins with a conversation I had with my mom about the situation. To which her solution was to confront my (at the time) boyfriend and basically guilt tripped him. Sidenote: my stepfather was LIVID that she did this. Apparently that was the weekend he was planning on proposing.. but since my mom had her little talk, he decided to propose THAT NIGHT in the midst of being angry with my mom. He didn’t smile. He had been battling anxiety. I was in pajamas at the dinner table. After it was done, I was informed there was a big surprise proposal planned for me which was obviously now not going to happen. To top it off, since we were unmarried and we were trying to follow our faith and do the right things, my bf decided he couldn’t stay in the bed with me until we were legally married. Our son began asking me questions.. so I did everything I could to get us married as soon as possible. Which we did without ceremony and my extended family was extremely angry they were left out. I felt so angry and robbed.. so I began planning a reception.. to which everything I had hoped for ALL FELL THROUGH. I ended up planning a very small backyard wedding/reception.. and ended up having my hair fall, my makeup all melted off, drinks didn’t show up, decorations and our send off were completely forgotten, and I had a cold sore pop up a few days before. I had my proposal, my pictures, my wedding day, my honeymoon.. all of it taken from me. I feel like I worked so hard, spent so much time, and sacrificed so much to just achieve that goal. I wish I wouldn’t have listened to everyone around me. I wish I would’ve just owned my proposal from the beginning and eloped with my husband. I wish my marriage began happily.. but every time I see couples getting engaged or married or honeymooning.. I’m angry and jealous. I’m not that kind of person so why is this happening to me?? Why is it hurting so bad?? Even our first wedding anniversary was hard.. because our actual wedding day wasn’t a great one. All my life I looked forward to these things and they’re just gone in a blink of an eye and I can’t get them back ever. It’s so hard because I want to be able to get my emotions out but I feel so sad for my poor husband because he blames himself. He just did what he felt was right, what he needed to do for me. I’m not even angry at him. I’m just so angry this happened to me and I can do nothing to get it back. I can’t get proposed to again. It’s not like I can have ANOTHER wedding. Or a second engagement announcement. Vow renewals are RENEWALS. And in the midst of COVID, no one freaking cares if your wedding was ruined. So was everyone else’s. 
Our goal is to now have a mini-moon every anniversary to celebrate privately.. but I’m still struggling to move past this. Friends and family constantly post pictures of all the great things happening to them.. I cry every time because I wish they happened to me.

climbingsingle

All of that sucks, and I'm sorry. Try to focus on the good. You are married to someone you love, and that loves you. The hurt will eventually fade. 

I had an over the top proposal. A beautiful wedding day. And then 7 years later, my husband cheated on me in our bed while I was on vacation. He carried on an affair right in front of my face, bringing this "friend" around our home for months. I spent most of 2020 heartbroken and trying to heal myself. I had to file for divorce. And we're still not even divorced yet. He lied to get an OOP against me to have me removed from our home. He sued me for spousal support. He tried to get half of my 401k. What I thought was my perfect life turned out to be anything but. I'm not telling you this feel bad for me (I'm Ok!), but to put things into perspective. Everything can be perfect and beautiful and fucking fall apart and be ruined. 

MNNEBride

knottief72f0de61950f2a3 said:

So my now husband and I dated about 5 months before getting pregnant (unplanned). Luckily, we were very much in love and serious.. but promises of marriage lasted for 5 years all while being referred to as “his wife” and being told “I want to give you a nice ring and a nice wedding, so let’s wait.” (He was also previously married.) By the time I was getting fed up, my hubby was FINALLY getting around to making plans because he had started feeling convicted by our situation.
My struggle begins with a conversation I had with my mom about the situation. To which her solution was to confront my (at the time) boyfriend and basically guilt tripped him. Sidenote: my stepfather was LIVID that she did this. Apparently that was the weekend he was planning on proposing.. but since my mom had her little talk, he decided to propose THAT NIGHT in the midst of being angry with my mom. He didn’t smile. He had been battling anxiety. I was in pajamas at the dinner table. After it was done, I was informed there was a big surprise proposal planned for me which was obviously now not going to happen. To top it off, since we were unmarried and we were trying to follow our faith and do the right things, my bf decided he couldn’t stay in the bed with me until we were legally married. Our son began asking me questions.. so I did everything I could to get us married as soon as possible. Which we did without ceremony and my extended family was extremely angry they were left out. I felt so angry and robbed.. so I began planning a reception.. to which everything I had hoped for ALL FELL THROUGH. I ended up planning a very small backyard wedding/reception.. and ended up having my hair fall, my makeup all melted off, drinks didn’t show up, decorations and our send off were completely forgotten, and I had a cold sore pop up a few days before. I had my proposal, my pictures, my wedding day, my honeymoon.. all of it taken from me. I feel like I worked so hard, spent so much time, and sacrificed so much to just achieve that goal. I wish I wouldn’t have listened to everyone around me. I wish I would’ve just owned my proposal from the beginning and eloped with my husband. I wish my marriage began happily.. but every time I see couples getting engaged or married or honeymooning.. I’m angry and jealous. I’m not that kind of person so why is this happening to me?? Why is it hurting so bad?? Even our first wedding anniversary was hard.. because our actual wedding day wasn’t a great one. All my life I looked forward to these things and they’re just gone in a blink of an eye and I can’t get them back ever. It’s so hard because I want to be able to get my emotions out but I feel so sad for my poor husband because he blames himself. He just did what he felt was right, what he needed to do for me. I’m not even angry at him. I’m just so angry this happened to me and I can do nothing to get it back. I can’t get proposed to again. It’s not like I can have ANOTHER wedding. Or a second engagement announcement. Vow renewals are RENEWALS. And in the midst of COVID, no one freaking cares if your wedding was ruined. So was everyone else’s. 
Our goal is to now have a mini-moon every anniversary to celebrate privately.. but I’m still struggling to move past this. Friends and family constantly post pictures of all the great things happening to them.. I cry every time because I wish they happened to me.

I'm sorry your proposal, engagement and wedding weren't what you expected they would be.  It's hard to have these dreams in your mind and then not have them pan out that way.  But it's done and you can't re-do it. My advice is to look at the result - you have your son and a husband who loves loves you.  How you got here doesn't matter.  You may need some professional help to sort through these feelings if you are crying every time you think of it.

STARMOON44

You had a child and had been living together for 5 years but couldn’t share a bed between proposal and wedding? So weird. 

I think you need to own your choices here. You did what you thought was best at the time. 

maine7mob

Dwelling on what should have been is going to poison what is. You need to let this go. Get therapy to help you. Even a few sessions could give you a new perspective.

And after 30 years of marriage, I can tell you that my wedding day, lovely as it was, is not even in the top 10 of my best days. Life is about so much more than a single blowout ceremony and party. You have got to start making new happy memories for yourself and your family. You all deserve better than this bitterness.

banana468

There is WAY too much emphasis put on a proposal and wedding day as some kind of be all and end all that of COURSE they'll end up in nothing but disappointment. 

Work this out with a good therapist.  I'm not always good at this but one thing I strive to do is enjoy what is rather than lament what didn't meet up to a fantasy in my head.

I can't remember who said it but I think the line, "Expectations are the foundations of disappointment is SO true." 

Not even on par with a wedding but last year I spent HOURS planning a trip for my family to Disney.  I booked the restaurant reservations and fast passes and the park closed.  I did it AGAIN for August of the same year to cancel due to Covid.   We're going again in July and despite driving I'm now flying by the seat of my pants!

MyNameIsNot

I agree with the others that I think counselling sounds like a good idea. It sounds like you could use some help in articulating what you want and holding your partner accountable for his part of that. He was upset that your mom stood up for what you wanted, so he cancelled the dream proposal and did the least? That's not cool at all.  Agree with PP, the bedroom thing makes absolutely no sense. It sounds like that was designed to pressure you into a fast wedding. 

Yes, proposals and big weddings are built up and often result in let downs, but it sounds like a lot of the let down is around your partner not being as enthusiastic or excited. Life isn't always fireworks and rainbows, but you deserve to have a partner that is excited to be with you.