Wedding Invitations & Paper

Maid of Honor Upset I invited someone she doesn’t like to my wedding

She has been my best friend for over a decade. She “dated” (not exclusively) a friend of mine that I’ve also been friends with for over a decade, and it didn’t end well at all. I invited him to the wedding and she feels I betrayed her and don’t care about her feelings. She said “I feel like you should care more about my pain than who you want at your wedding when it would hurt me.” Mind you, not everyone who goes to a wedding gets along, but it’s not about them, it’s about celebrating the marriage of two people they love and support. 
They are both my friends, I don’t choose sides when my friends fall out and it has nothing to do with me, and she’s calling me selfish for inviting people to my wedding who may be hurt by other peoples attendance. She was completely condescending, rude, and selfish in her responses to me when I was nothing but understanding, respectful, and trying to find a solution. I acknowledge her pain and apologized that my decision hurt her, but I’m not going to choose between two friends. Plus she has a whole new boyfriend for over a year now that she’s in love with and I’m not sure why she will feel “miserable and devastated” on my wedding day because of a drawn out “relationship” that didn’t work out. 
I am always putting others first and catering to their feelings, and on the one day it’s supposed to be about me, she’s making it about her. Now I’m trying to figure out where I stand with my best friend/maid of honor (I’m honestly super upset that she’s making it about her instead of being an adult and being there for me), while planning a wedding in the middle of a pandemic and stressed as all hell. I’ve had much advice and reassurance that I’m not in the wrong in this situation, but what can I do about her being my maid of honor? She was supposed to design my save the dates, invitations, and ceremony flyers.. help with planning for my bridal shower/bachelorette, and overall just be there for me and she has completely made it about her and her feelings. I’m trying to figure out how I move forward in terms of my bridal party when my wedding is in less than 5 months away. Should I replace her as my maid of honor? I want to give her a few days to cool off and maybe reconcile, but I’m also over her typical behavior of when she’s hurt, nobody’s side or feelings matter besides hers. I honestly don’t see us reconciling any time soon. 

Re: Maid of Honor Upset I invited someone she doesn’t like to my wedding

  • Well, it sounds like she was doing a lot of the work of a vendor that was unpaid.  So that starts to get sticky on your end. 

    For now,  talk to her.  Tell her that you appreciate all the work she was putting in and will not ask her to do this if it makes her uncomfortable because that's a huge undertaking (it is!).  Let her know that you did not want to put her in a bad position and will ensure that she and her ex are not seated together but because you are friends with both and it's your wedding you hope that she can put that issue aside for the wedding.

    FWIW, this isn't uncommon.  I had someone at my wedding that I can't stand.  She was dating DH's best friend so she was a guest.  We remained civil because we're grown ups. 
    knottie7caeaa1be70c2ac2MyNameIsNotSTARMOON44short+sassy
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She has been my best friend for over a decade. She “dated” (not exclusively) a friend of mine that I’ve also been friends with for over a decade, and it didn’t end well at all. I invited him to the wedding and she feels I betrayed her and don’t care about her feelings. She said “I feel like you should care more about my pain than who you want at your wedding when it would hurt me.” Mind you, not everyone who goes to a wedding gets along, but it’s not about them, it’s about celebrating the marriage of two people they love and support. 
    They are both my friends, I don’t choose sides when my friends fall out and it has nothing to do with me, and she’s calling me selfish for inviting people to my wedding who may be hurt by other peoples attendance. She was completely condescending, rude, and selfish in her responses to me when I was nothing but understanding, respectful, and trying to find a solution. I acknowledge her pain and apologized that my decision hurt her, but I’m not going to choose between two friends. Plus she has a whole new boyfriend for over a year now that she’s in love with and I’m not sure why she will feel “miserable and devastated” on my wedding day because of a drawn out “relationship” that didn’t work out. 
    I am always putting others first and catering to their feelings, and on the one day it’s supposed to be about me, she’s making it about her. Now I’m trying to figure out where I stand with my best friend/maid of honor (I’m honestly super upset that she’s making it about her instead of being an adult and being there for me), while planning a wedding in the middle of a pandemic and stressed as all hell. I’ve had much advice and reassurance that I’m not in the wrong in this situation, but what can I do about her being my maid of honor? She was supposed to design my save the dates, invitations, and ceremony flyers.. be the head of planning for my bridal shower/bachelorette, and overall just be there for me and she has completely made it about her and her feelings. I’m trying to figure out how I move forward in terms of my bridal party when my wedding is in less than 5 months away. Should I replace her as my maid of honor? I want to give her a few days to cool off and maybe reconcile, but I’m also over her typical behavior of when she’s hurt, nobody’s side or feelings matter besides hers. I honestly don’t see us reconciling any time soon. 
    If this is outside the norm for her, talk to her. Her words around causing pain and being so viscerally upset about just being in the same room with this guy make me wonder if there's something more than a simple breakup there. I'd be generally worried that there's more to the story than she's comfortable sharing. Not that you can coerce her to share if she doesn't want to, but make sure your friend is ok.  

    That said, go hire a vendor to make your invitations, or do them yourself. That was never her responsibility to start with, and not something you should have expected from her.

    You cannot replace her. If she decides not to attend the wedding, you continue with the remainder of the party. MOH is an opportunity to honor your relationship, not a job that comes with deliverables and duties. 
    charlotte989875STARMOON44
  • I appreciate your response! I was going to go to a vendor, but she insisted she do it at no cost because I’m her best friend, it’s in her line of work, and it’s what she loves to do. I didn’t think anything like this would ever happen, but you’re so right, it does make it sticky now. 

    She told me “Me having to help and be apart of your wedding now makes me miserable and puts a pit in my stomach,” so I told her she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to and I won’t ask her for anything, and she said “funny how you will ask me not to be apart of something instead of asking him. There you go choosing him over me.”

    I honestly feel like there is no winning. She won’t even level with me, you know? As you were able to be cordial with someone you didn’t like, I was hoping she would be able to do the same. 
  • I think the only thing you can do is reassure her that you won't deliberately put her in the same table as him and will make an effort to seat them apart.  

    If your wedding isn't one table of guests this really shouldn't be an issue.  
    knottie7caeaa1be70c2ac2
  • Don't ask her to step down as MOH.  That might irrecoverably ruin the friendship.  If she chooses to step down (hopefully not), let that be her decision.

    Keep rinsing/repeating that you are not "choosing him over her".  You just aren't taking sides at all and he is also a close enough friend that he's being invited.

    FWIW, I attended a wedding where the bride's MOH threw a hissy fit that I was invited.  Not at the wedding, thankfully, but before invites went out.  Her and one of the groomsmen had been in a LTR.  They broke up 6 months before the wedding and I was the new g/f.

    I didn't even know the bride (J) that well, though we were friendly.  But, when I heard the story, I talked to J and told her I didn't want to cause any strife between her and her MOH.  If it was better I didn't go, I totally understood.  J wouldn't hear of it.  She told me she absolutely wanted me there and I was her friend also.  She had actually been miffed that (MOH) had even tried to interfere in the guest list. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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