Never any positive feedback on my bachlorette party

knottieee2515305b0b453c

Hi! So I'm new to this site. Need some feedback from outsiders. My wedding is in the fall late Sept 2021 I am from chiacago. I would have loved to go away somewhere was what I really wanted for my bachlorette but was being considerate of everyone else because of money seems to always get brought up and I have many people having babies before this and I know it will be too much going on for everyone else. I put my wants aside and did what was best for the group. Now im having it local doing a bachlorette party downtown and only getting hotel booked for one night! My biggest thing I wanted to have incorporated in my wedding was a boat/beach morning till around brunch time.  There are a few girls who have given me lots of positive feedback and ideas how to accomplish it and other ones who from the beginning saying no1 goes to Chicago, we should have it somewhere else, money, and saying they don't want to go on a boat and saying they don't want to stay at a hotel. Even the words saying I am asking for alot! To the point that everything I hear just puts everything down and no positive thing. Is it wrong that I don't want this type of mindset planning my bachlorette? I'm only getting married once so shouldn't I do what is the most important things that I want to do and not have to worry about other complaining to the bride. I talked to a few brides already and they said plan what I want to do and who it is important to be there will be there with a smile on their face. And so many people have already told me that a day and  1 night in the city seems like I'm really not asking for alot at all and compared to theirs mine seems way more chill. Need some advice on more outsiders. Has anyone had issues like this?? 

flantastic

knottieee2515305b0b453c said:

Hi! So I'm new to this site. Need some feedback from outsiders. My wedding is in the fall late Sept 2021 I am from chiacago. I would have loved to go away somewhere was what I really wanted for my bachlorette but was being considerate of everyone else because of money seems to always get brought up and I have many people having babies before this and I know it will be too much going on for everyone else. I put my wants aside and did what was best for the group. Now im having it local doing a bachlorette party downtown and only getting hotel booked for one night! My biggest thing I wanted to have incorporated in my wedding was a boat/beach morning till around brunch time.  There are a few girls who have given me lots of positive feedback and ideas how to accomplish it and other ones who from the beginning saying no1 goes to Chicago, we should have it somewhere else, money, and saying they don't want to go on a boat and saying they don't want to stay at a hotel. Even the words saying I am asking for alot! To the point that everything I hear just puts everything down and no positive thing. Is it wrong that I don't want this type of mindset planning my bachlorette? I'm only getting married once so shouldn't I do what is the most important things that I want to do and not have to worry about other complaining to the bride. I talked to a few brides already and they said plan what I want to do and who it is important to be there will be there with a smile on their face. And so many people have already told me that a day and  1 night in the city seems like I'm really not asking for alot at all and compared to theirs mine seems way more chill. Need some advice on more outsiders. Has anyone had issues like this?? 

I think your plan is over the top. I think the trend of bachelorette parties in general is over the top. I have a SIL in Chicago who did pretty much what you describe, and compared to some of her friends' bachelorettes it was chill, but what you propose is still a lot to ask of people, and pretty expensive. Just not crazy expensive.

There's really no inherent problem with making a b-party a destination/fancy affair, if that's what your whole friend group wants to do and no one feels pressured to do anything outside their finances and comfort level - but that's not the makeup of most bridal parties, and someone usually feels pressured either to spend more than they should or "disappoint" the bride.

I think your main problem is this - you are planning a party in your own honor. The ideal bachelorette party is one where the attendees offer what they can afford and can swing. Now, one would hope they plan things that you enjoy, since it's in your honor, but they would do it within their own time and budget constraints. So if a night out at a bar, or a morning at the beach is all they can do (even if others are doing more), then that's what you get. They offer it freely, and therefore they have fun. You can't dictate what other people do to celebrate you.

ETA - once it feels like an obligation, e.g. "we have to do a big bach thing for Rachel because Sarah and Jenny got one and we don't want her to feel less special, but also funds are tighter right now and honestly those blowout things weren't all that fun," then... is it really something that you and your friends are enjoying together? Which is the point of a bachelorette?

MyNameIsNot

It sounds like the issue is that you're planning your own party. No matter what you're planning, saying "hey, come spend money to celebrate me" is going to come off as abrasive and put people in a begrudging mindset. 

Normally someone would offer to host your party, then talk to other participants about reasonable budget, and then ask you what type of party you'd like within the available budget. 

Think about it this way. I love getting my nephew little gifts. It's a ton of fun to surprise him and watch his face light up. I buy him gifts for his birthday and holidays, as well as randomly because I want to and it's fun. If he called me tomorrow and told me that I should get him a $50 video game for his upcoming birthday, I'm not going to be excited about it. I'm going to be even more put out if he tells me I should be grateful that he's not asking for the $100 game instead. 

banana468

I'm going to echo the others. 

If these are new parents they may be in a position where it's hard to leave the kids.  If they're nursing that's even harder and more of a pain (literal pain).  

To add to it if you're planning it yourself then that comes off as a bit more abrasive since you're telling people how you want them to celebrate you and then the amount you want them to spend.  And as things go right  now, I think a lot of this seems to be a case by case basis. 

I haven't seen even local friends in months.    When it comes to plans, I have far more questions than answers about the logistics such as masking requirements, distancing requirements, capacity restrictions and ability to make reservations.  To add to it, the older I get, the less I want to share a bed with others.  

IMO I think a better way to go about this is to say that you would love to get together before you're married and hope that there can be a way to make it logistically possible for the group.  Rather than list of the wants without the people, why not handle it in reverse?  Ask the people what they will do that's possible. 

downtondiva

Are you sure that even your scaled down plans are really all that doable for these friends? A lot of them are new parents, and it sounds like this could still be an expensive outing. Not to mention that a lot of people may still be skittish over COVID-related issues for a while, even as more people get vaccinated and going out gets safer. With all of these factors put together, it might just all seem very daunting to them right now. 

If it's important to you to have some sort of gathering with friends before your wedding, I think you should talk to them (preferably individually/privately) and see what they'd be cool with doing closer to the wedding. Then hopefully you can come up with something that is more comfortable and affordable for everyone. 

climbingsingle

I think you're being pretty unreasonable. And you really shouldn't be planning your own bach party. You have friends even telling you that they can't afford what you want to do. Are you not listening to what they're saying? 

They're not obligated to attend, let alone let you dictate to them how they're going to spend their money (boat ride, hotel, etc). That all adds up to be an expensive day/night. 

Casadena

I agree with PP's. 
1) you shouldn't be planning your own bachelorette (yes I know a lot of people do, but just because it may be "normal" in your friend group doesn't mean you should do it.
2) Spending the night in a hotel with a bunch of people sounds miserable to me, even if you are my best friends - i would opt out of that immediately. 
3) unless you checked with me about my budget and cleared things with me, I would expect that whoever is inviting me to this party to be paying for things like the boat
4) do all of your BMs/friends live in the CHI area as well?  If they have to travel that coudl be a huge reason they're not all that excited.  
5) COVID.  Especially with little kids at home, many people are likely not excited about being with big groups of people, vaccinated or not. 

Jen4948

It sounds as though you set your expectations higher than your friends can handle.

It also sounds like you're trying to plan a party in your own honor.

I would drop all plans for a bachelorette party for now, and should anyone ask, I would say, "I realized I was planning a party in my own honor that didn't seem to work for anyone else. So I've decided to stand back from the plans and let whoever wants to plan one go ahead and do so."

banana468

I'm also going to say that I've attended the drawn out bachelorette weekend and also attended quieter ones. 

1) Any weekend expenses were planned by the BP and not the bride.  And we agreed upon those expenses. 

2) One was far easier since DH and I attended one together as a joint party so we looked at it more as a weekend away.  The other was a weekend away where we all rented a house and the majority of the money went towards the stay vs. needing a ton of entertainment.  It was about hanging out together. 

3) COVID and parenting are big deals.  I was lucky that I only had to worry about expressing some milk in the shower when I was attending the weekend away because I was still nursing my son at the time but not often.  It would have been a non-starter for me to go away for a weekend if my kid was under 1 year old because the amount of pumping I would have needed to do to keep up with supply would have been insane. 

short+sassy

Agree you shouldn't be planning your own party, but that's been covered, so I will skip over it.

It sounds like some of your friends are excited about the plans and some aren't.  Is Chicago local for everyone?  If so, then it would work especially well to give people the options to do some things, but not everything if they don't want to.  For example, the hotel cost would be split by only the number of people staying there.  And don't make anyone feel like they are "required" to (not saying you are doing that).

If someone only wants to come for drinks/dinner the night before, great.  If someone else doesn't want to go on the boat ride, but meet you all for brunch afterwards, also great.  It doesn't have to be "all or nothing".  That way, people can work with their own time, interest, and/or financial constraints.

knottie05edbf36a5d5ae00

I am here to tell you that I personally don't think you're asking for too much. A night out and a fun morning is not too much to ask for. It is understandable that not everyone will agree or want to join in or will find your ideas fun, but the point of being in the bridal party is that they help you and make things easier for you and try to put your wishes first. (Cough, cough, it's NOT their wedding, who cares if they don't like the idea??) Again, totally understandable if its COVID related, if it's genuinely too much money for them to afford, or its too far to travel for them, but the least they owe you is the respect of being polite about it... 

flantastic

knottie05edbf36a5d5ae00 said:

I am here to tell you that I personally don't think you're asking for too much. A night out and a fun morning is not too much to ask for. It is understandable that not everyone will agree or want to join in or will find your ideas fun, but the point of being in the bridal party is that they help you and make things easier for you and try to put your wishes first. (Cough, cough, it's NOT their wedding, who cares if they don't like the idea??) Again, totally understandable if its COVID related, if it's genuinely too much money for them to afford, or its too far to travel for them, but the least they owe you is the respect of being polite about it... 

Nope. The point of being in the bridal party is that the bride wants to honor her closest friendships by having them stand literally closest to her as she gets married.

I genuinely don't understand why you would ask your closest friends to do a thing for a bach that you're not all going to enjoy. Bachelorette parties started as a means to ensure you had a fun time with your friends. Sure, not everything done may be everyone's perfect cup of tea, but you can't require that your friends come out with you on your terms and have your kind of fun. It's not a contractual position. Why these things aren't much more collaborative - a plan sorted out easily among friends, and if you have a random SIL in the BP who doesn't know anyone else and would rather not participate, then cool, that's fine, NBD - I do not know.

climbingsingle

I really don't understand how people have this misconception that your bridal party members are your free wedding/party planners and must attend all the events. 

When you ask someone to be in your wedding party, you are honoring THEM. It's not the other way around.