Wedding Woes

You should stay out of it if he doesn't want to do anything about it.

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s ex-wife was emotionally and physically abusive and cheated on him multiple times. He stayed for 20 years because of their kids. They’ve been divorced for six years, and we’ve been married for two now. Before they got divorced, my husband’s ex hadn’t seen anyone in his family for almost a decade. For some reason, my brother-in-law’s wife and my sister-in-law’s husband are still friends with her on social media. I didn’t think much of this until I recently noticed that they comment on each other’s posts and photos. It seems like a betrayal of my husband, since they know everything she’s done to him. It upsets him, but he doesn’t think there’s a point in bringing it up because he thinks it just shows that his family doesn’t care about his feelings. His parents and sister have been open about disliking her since they separated. I just don’t understand why they feel the need to stay in touch with her, especially since they weren’t close when they were married.

How should I handle this? I seem to get along with them fine, but this makes me question that. We don’t see them often since they live pretty far away, but I try to make sure we send cards for birthdays and holidays and that we see them a few times a year. I just don’t know how to support him because my family would never do something like this.

—In-Laws and Ex-Wife

Re: You should stay out of it if he doesn't want to do anything about it.

  • I think LW should stay out of it.  It's an opinion LW has, opinions don't have to be attached to actions.  If it's really bothering her, she should block the exW profile so she wouldn't see that.  She should suggest the same to him, since his kids are grown, there's no reason for them to have such close contact.

    I block/unfriend/unfollow freely on FB with no care at all.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited May 2021
    My friend actually had this happen with her ex-H and her brother/SIL.   It even went as far as her ex-H spent the night at her brother/SIL's house once or twice. Her SIL had this weird justification that her ex-H was still 'family', even though my friend was remarried. She straight up told her SIL that she was being disrespectful to her current H.  My friend was so pissed and hurt.  It caused a rift for awhile.  

    My uncle (my mom's brother I do not care for and find many of his actions unforgiveable) carries on a relationship with my ex-aunt who cheated on my uncle (his brother) with my uncle's BFF (they ended up married).  My uncles haven't spoken in years. It's been a source of family tension for decades.  

    However in my friend situation, her H never stepped in.  Unfortunately, LW needs to block, ignore, and let this go if their H isn't willing to step up and say something.  I also think if it's just social media banter and likes, it's not that deep.  
  • For our situation it's really only FB and it's MIL who is on the outs with her sister occasionally and did not want DH to be friends with her on FB.  She wanted all communication about DH and our family to go through her. 

    MIL's sister is not a great person and is unaccountable as a compliment but DH was very staunch with his mom that this is social media.  And a social media link does NOT mean that he's picking one over the other. 
  • You don’t do anything. The person this is happening to you has said they don’t want to do anything. You can be offended and hurt by what they’re doing but he’s asked you not to do anything you should respect that. 
  • The way you handle it is that you don't. Your husband has decided that he doesn't want to make a thing of it, so except for blocking the ex-wife on social media so you don't have to see any of this, there isn't anything else for you to do.
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