Stop following your ex on social media to start.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have an awful ex. He is manipulative, insecure, a liar, and a cheater, and he brought out the absolute worst in me, too. We also work in the same industry and share mutual friends. It’s been OK for the most part, but I’m having trouble getting past his public persona. He puts on a front to his followers (I think his need for attention and “fame” is really unhealthy), which people seem to really buy into (I did too, until I got to know another side of him). I think the right thing to do, for my own mental health, is to just ignore it. I know who he really is, and that should be enough. Plus, it’s possible that others will figure this out on their own or already have. I think it would probably damage my career to say anything publicly.

But I struggle when I see people buy into this act on Twitter. He pretends he is an ally for women while breaking them down privately. For example, he still associates with someone who sexually abused multiple women in our industry, including me, even after I confronted him about it. All in all, it was an incredibly toxic relationship, and I’m happy to be out of it. But I can’t help but feel deep frustration, sometimes disgust, when I see him purporting to be an ally, and then see people I know and respect praising those views. I’m just not sure what the way forward is. Any advice?

—Professional “Good Guy”

banana468

If seeing what he does on social media is a problem for you then stop looking.  

I hate to phrase it that way but unless you want to turn your life's mission into "Ex is a jerk" then you have to stop and keep him and those who associate with him at an arm's length. 

mrsconn23

Ugh, I get that LW is frustrated with people thinking their ex is this 'good' guy or ally.  However if they are not willing to 'blow up' their career by 'exposing' him (which could have farther reaching consequences (legal) than they realize, unless they have proof or evidence and even then...), then LW needs to protect their own mental health.  Giving up following him on twitter is a start. 

LW should also keep it as mum as possible when anyone brings him up. If someone asks LW's opinion of ex, they should keep it very vague.  "Oh we used to date and I don't think I'm a reliable person to ask due to our personal connection."  It's not shit-talking, but also leaves it open-ended.  

missJeanLouise

I am not on twitter but wouldn't you have to follow someone to know what they post? Just block the dude.

CharmedPam

Blocking is the best thing to do.

and look, I get it, LW.  I was trying to find exH’s dating sites well after I filed for divorce. I followed his every move while married and I found myself following even after I cut the cord.

I erased all the pw’s in my phone so even if I went on the sites to find him (and not even to warn others - I just wanted to see what lie he was up to that day) it would take effort and once I started to put effort - type in the pw - I would stop.  No. You’re done with him! i’d say.  And then I’d go and do something else.  Which was usually shop or eat.  Hey, it wasn’t stalking an ex at least? 

charlotte989875

How public is the ex? Like just has a lot of followers or is actual a public figure? Because if he’s a public figure & engaging in performative allyship while actually being harmful to women, then I say out him IF you’re fully aware there may be significant consequences. 

If he’s just a regular person active on social media? Block, mute, unfollow. 

flantastic

Oh FFS on Twitter you can literally mute the posts of a person so you don't see them. Do this, LW.

You've confronted him about his behavior, and unless you're willing to blow up your life in order to get people to see the "real" him, just hide all his posts from your sight, because you can. Easily.

short+sassy

The LW's first instincts are right.  Don't take up the fight to "prove" and try to influence their mutual friends and acquaintances that the ex is a jerk and a liar about being an ally.  That's just getting sucked right back into the ex's world.  It's very emotionally unhealthy and unlikely to do anything except destroy the LW and have little to no effect on the ex's reputation.

The LW's ex reminds me a bit of an ex I had in college.  In fact, that was the one and only relationship I've ever had where I had been friends with someone first before becoming romantically involved.  Looking back, that was part of why I mistakenly stayed with him for as long as I did.  Because I'd known his "public persona" for a year before we dated.  I really liked "public persona" guy.  Who wouldn't?  He was the life of the party!  So charming and caring.  He would give you the shirt off his back if you were his friend.  I bet it's going to be really amazing to be his adored g/f.

And he he was like that for the first month or so we dated.  Then it was hell for the next 8, smh.  Me, talking to myself back then, "He's just going through a bad time right now.  He'll be back to the loving, caring person he really is soon."  Me now, to my college-aged self, "Oh honey.  You ARE seeing who he really is. GTFO now."

Here's my totally unqualified armchair diagnosis of the LW's ex and mine.  They're sociopaths.  Of course, not all people who are charming and personable are sociopaths.  But almost all sociopaths are charming and personable.  It's one of the signs.  I have a lot more evidence then that for my ex.  But every time I see someone who is very different in public then they are in private.  And is manipulative, especially when it's subtle.  That sets my sociopath alarm bells off.    

kerbohl

I say block, unless you are concerned that he supports sexual predators while pretending to be a feminist ally, and that this might put someone in danger or lull them into a false sense of security.