Bridesmaid Bailed

knottiee7de94d752e147f4

One of my bridesmaid bailed 2 weeks before my wedding through text. She said she had an important work meeting come up (on the weekend) and couldn’t take the day off. She did not apologize or say she wish she could be there. She did not congratulate me on my wedding day. 

When I later told her this was hurtful, she was surprised and now is saying we need to talk if I still want to be friends with her. I don’t think there’s much more to say other than that I was hurt and she’s not a good friend. I know if I don’t have the conversation, that she would tell all our mutual friends that I am not trying to reconcile. But if I do have the conversation, I know she will try to spin it to either make me mad or somehow blame her not coming on me. 

I realize my former friend is very manipulative and I shouldn’t have been friends with her to begin with, but I really don’t know how to move forwards. Any advice from those who have gone through a similar situation?

maine7mob

Your last paragraph says it all. This is a person you no longer regard as a friend, and it's clear that she didn't value you very highly either. I think in your situation, I would just let her go. You don't owe her a conversation about why you are hurt and you don't need negative people in your life. And if your other friends shun you for letting her go, then you need to find real friends. But I'm guessing at least a few will agree with you, if this girl is as manipulative as you say. If anyone asks why you didn't try to reconcile, you can just say that you came to realize that she wasn't your friend after all. Period.

Jen4948

I also believe that your best course of action is to let it go and cross this person off your friend list. She didn't care enough about your and your wedding to express any regrets that she was backing out on you. And it sounds like you don't want to keep her as a friend. There's no need for any further discussion between you and her, and if others question the ending of your friendship, you can simply say that you realized it's over.

Edited to add: It can suck when one's job forces you to give up plans, especially long-term plans. You're feeling hurt that she didn't congratulate you, but you didn't express any sympathy for her not being able to come to your wedding because of a last-minute work demand. So it sounds to me like you mutually crossed each other off your friend lists.

charlotte989875

knottiee7de94d752e147f4 said:

One of my bridesmaid bailed 2 weeks before my wedding through text. She said she had an important work meeting come up (on the weekend) and couldn’t take the day off. She did not apologize or say she wish she could be there. She did not congratulate me on my wedding day. 

When I later told her this was hurtful, she was surprised and now is saying we need to talk if I still want to be friends with her. I don’t think there’s much more to say other than that I was hurt and she’s not a good friend. I know if I don’t have the conversation, that she would tell all our mutual friends that I am not trying to reconcile. But if I do have the conversation, I know she will try to spin it to either make me mad or somehow blame her not coming on me. 

I realize my former friend is very manipulative and I shouldn’t have been friends with her to begin with, but I really don’t know how to move forwards. Any advice from those who have gone through a similar situation?

Do you want to reconcile with her? If yes then give yourself some time to be upset and have a conversation with her when you feel you can. If you don’t want to be friends with her then just let the issue go. She can say what she wants to whomever they want- doesn’t mean they believe her. 

I’ll just add, telling her you were hurt is perfectly reasonable and absolutely what you should do but telling her she’s not a good friend? That’s making a declaration rather than sharing her feelings. Clearly don’t know her line of work or if there’s flexibility but if the choice was lose her job or go to work and miss your wedding? That’s a crappy choice and picking keeping a job doesn’t make someone a bad friend (or a bad person). If there’s more to it, maybe that’s different but seems like this alone is a bad choice to have to make. She definitely should have reached out/ said congratulations but not sure id end a friendship over that IF this is only thing going on. 

MesmrEwe

Call this one a "Bullet Dodged" OP...  FWIW - let this one go, if she's meant to be in your life, she'll be in it, if not, you won't be looking at pictures of her in your WP 50 years from now wondering what the heck you were thinking...  How you interpret the texting something that should have been a phone call is another discussion as tonality can't be expressed in text.  She legitimately may not have been able to get out of the work commitment but usually when one works those types of jobs/careers people know that schedules can change at the drop of a hat (Law Enforcement/Corrections/EMS/etc.) or been dealing with something that's a major upheaval that important as your wedding is, stuff sometimes happens that she had no control over and is going to be bogged down until said meeting with damage control work.  

Given her personality in what you mentioned in the last paragraph, it may be best to leave well enough alone with the spin machine..  Sometimes ghosting is the superior way to go...

downtondiva

Disappointing as it is, I wouldn't go too hard on her for dropping out of your wedding in and of itself - this may have been something at work that she absolutely couldn't get out of without serious consequences. The job market is still bad enough right now that most people cannot just quit or say "if they fire me I can find another job just like that" over a wedding. As important as it may be to you, you can't expect it to be so important to someone else that they are willing to jeopardize their job over it. 

That being said, based on her apparent lack of regret over missing the wedding, the fact that you two seem not to communicate well, and that you said she was manipulative and you shouldn't have been friends with her in the first place, I think a conversation or any other effort to save this friendship is not worthwhile. Yeah, she may talk about you to your mutual friends, but that doesn't mean they'll believe her, and it doesn't preclude you from telling your side of the story. Being worried what they think isn't worth keeping a friendship in your life that isn't working for you.