Wedding Woes

Dude, leave Jane alone.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend, “Jane,” and I (both 25-year-old women) had a falling out recently. I really miss her and want to get back in touch, but everyone I know says not to. Jane and I were extremely close for most of our early 20s. She’s the only person I’ve ever really clicked with, who liked all of the same weird things I do, and shared so many of my values and goals. We’d regularly crash at my apartment that was bigger and closer to both of our jobs, and when I moved cities for a new job, she came up to visit me multiple times.

Around the same time I moved, Jane started law school. About a year in, she just stopped talking to me. I reached out a few times to make sure we were all good, and she reassured me that there wasn’t anything I’d done, but she wasn’t being an active participant in our friendship. I got frustrated and ended up blocking her on social media because I was tired of seeing her post there and not reply to me (something I tried to communicate about, but she wasn’t replying to me). To complicate things, around the same time Jane stopped talking to me, she also came out. She’s known I was queer for years, and in retrospect, I think she might have had a crush on me. I wish I would have said something, because she’s exactly the kind of person I’d love to date, but honestly right now I miss her so much I’d just be happy to be friends! On the one hand, I think I deserve better friends than someone who could ghost me this easily. On the other hand, it’s been over a year since the last time I heard from her and I still miss her so much it hurts. Help?

— Call Her Maybe?

Re: Dude, leave Jane alone.

  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Friendships change.  Leave her alone.  
  • Nope dont call her!
  • LW you said Jane started law school, which eats up a fuckton of time from what I understand about being in law school.  She also came out.  And you're making this all about you.  Maybe that's why Jane ditched you as a friend.  I'm betting that's more likely than Jane pining away for you. 
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Man, 1Ls are assholes, it's something about that first year of law school that just turns humans into shitheads.  Wait for a year then reach out again.  I have lost so many friends when they first went to law school and then they pull their heads out of their asses and start being human again and we reconnect.  I actually warn friends of this now and not a one of them believe me...until we start talking when they're 3Ls or after graduation again.  Honestly, Wonderwife is one of the few people I didn't loathe as a 1L, but I think it's b/c she was a nontraditional student for law school.

    Also, LW, you're crushing on Jane too, so you need to get that under control first.  I'd reach out one more time closer to graduation and if she still rebuffs you, leave it alone.  Friendships can and do change, but they can also be restored.
  • I am getting a strong vibe that, if we heard Jane's half of this story, it would be different and enlightening.

    Maybe something like:

    I used to have a good friend.  We hung out a lot, but I think she was more invested in the friendship then I was.  She moved away at the same time I went to law school.  I was so busy studying and going to class, I barely had a chance to breathe!  But she would get upset and jealous if I didn't respond back to her texts right away.  Or if I "liked" someone's post and wrote a short response on my social media accounts.  She blocked me one day in a fit of anger and, quite frankly, I was relieved!  Even though I thought blocking me was really childish.  I'm sorry to have lost our friendship, but she had become too much and too clingy.

    But back to the LW.  I don't think it would hurt to reach out once with a short message.  Something like they miss their friendship and was hoping to reconnect.  And if Jane does not answer back, then drop it.  However, I don't think reaching out would be emotionally healthy for the LW.  To say after a year "I still miss her so much it hurts" is troubling.  They need to get over this person and stop focusing on them.

    It was also a little bit of a red flag to me that the LW immediately jumped to wanting to date Jane (once she came out), even if she didn't convey that to her.  There is certainly nothing wrong with a friendship that turns into a romance, but that made it sound like the LW has always had romantic feelings to at least some level.  I bet Jane knew that also, but didn't feel the same way.  Maybe that was also a factor in the friendship break-up.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I disagree that 1Ls are assholes! It’s an overwhelming all consuming process. I’m sure I was a less available and involved friend during that time, but that’s just life. 

    Here I think it’s pretty clear Jane is not LW’s friend. 
  • I think LW is pining away for Jane- not the reverse. 
  • I think LW is pining away for Jane- not the reverse. 
    Yup! I couldn't help wondering that if LW sees Jane as the "only person" she's ever clicked with, that she might have feelings for Jane and was coming on way too strong, being too clingy, whatever, and it scared Jane away. 

    I think LW should give Jane some space for now and try to cultivate some other friendships. If in a year or so she wants to try Jane again, sending a text saying she misses her might be okay - but then she needs to move on if there's no response. 

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