Not Engaged Yet

I need to rant about my relationship and any comments would be greatly appreciated!

edited July 15 in Not Engaged Yet
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and living together for about 2. We both know we want to get married because we've talked about it, but it seems like we disagree on the "when" part. I was dropping silly hints a few months ago and he responded "Don't worry, you'll get a ring. I just want to buy a house first because my whole life I've been told it's easier to do that while single. Also, rings and weddings are expensive". When I heard that for some reason my first thought was "He's scared that if we ever get a divorce, he might lose the house so he wants to make sure it's not considered a marrital residence". While he never stated such thing, he is one to be proactive and to always consider every possible scenario,  like for example when he warned his friends about marrital debt and what would happen in the unfortunate event that they got divorced, and this bothers me. I do not even want to consider the possibility of a divorce yet to me it seems like it's always at the back of his mind (maybe because my parents do not believe in divorce whereas his went through a really ugly one?). Another time, when we were talking about features of our dream houses and I said something like "our future house will have at least 2 bathrooms" he said "you mean MY house" I said "Idk legally whose, but the one we'll be living in". YET, when he was looking at houses online, he made sure it had what I dreamed and was using "we" and "our" pronouns. Fast forward a few weeks and he got mad when I told him that so and so who I ran into today thinks we're perfect for each and it's about time  we got married. He angrily responsded "I'm not proposing now because we don't have money or a house yet and idc about what so and so thinks". As for the money part, he has a great job but keeps buying guns and gun parts for his collection (another story I don't agree with, won't expand). Now, who knows when it'll be buyers' market again. Why wait until that to -forget married- even get engaged? Is he actually worried about making sure that the ring or wedding will be perfect, or is he actually that terrified that something might happen in the future and he wants to have his butt covered? Because if so, he's worried for no reason; I don't believe in divorce (unless of course it's an abusive relationship, there are substances or infedelity involved), let alone screwing someone over during one. I've told him this but that changes nothing for him. One more thing before I wrap this up, he moved to the area because he found this great job but he never asked if that was ok with me and somehow I was expected to also move here once I got my degree (as I did). Whenever I mention that for me it'd be easier to find a job in our hometown due to the nature of my degree and that he should try to look for a job there also now that he has experience in the field and since there is high demand for his degree everywhere (he could be making if not more, definitely equal), he throws a fit about it. Rant over. Now, please tell me, what are your thoughts on the whole situation? Am I overthinking or asking for too much? Not looking for someone to pick sides with me, but for honest & independet opinions. Is any of this normal for a couple in their early to mid-twenties whose not even engaged yet? We love each other but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one making sacrifices. I want this to work out. Any advice? Sorry for unloading so much on you, I needed to get this off my chest. Any comments would be greatly appreciated!

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Accepted Answer
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and living together for about 2. We both know we want to get married because we've talked about it, but it seems like we disagree on the "when" part. I was dropping silly hints a few months ago and he responded "Don't worry, you'll get a ring. I just want to buy a house first because my whole life I've been told it's easier to do that while single. Also, rings and weddings are expensive". When I heard that for some reason my first thought was "He's scared that if we ever get a divorce, he might lose the house so he wants to make sure it's not considered a marrital residence". While he never stated such thing, he is one to be proactive and to always consider every possible scenario,  like for example when he warned his friends about marrital debt and what would happen in the unfortunate event that they got divorced, and this bothers me. I do not even want to consider the possibility of a divorce yet to me it seems like it's always at the back of his mind (maybe because my parents do not believe in divorce whereas his went through a really ugly one?). Another time, when we were talking about features of our dream houses and I said something like "our future house will have at least 2 bathrooms" he said "you mean MY house" I said "Idk legally whose, but the one we'll be living in". YET, when he was looking at houses online, he made sure it had what I dreamed and was using "we" and "our" pronouns. Fast forward a few weeks and he got mad when I told him that so and so who I ran into today thinks we're perfect for each and it's about time  we got married. He angrily responsded "I'm not proposing now because we don't have money or a house yet and idc about what so and so thinks". As for the money part, he has a great job but keeps buying guns and gun parts for his collection (another story I don't agree with, won't expand). Now, who knows when it'll be buyers' market again. Why wait until that to -forget married- even get engaged? Is he actually worried about making sure that the ring or wedding will be perfect, or is he actually that terrified that something might happen in the future and he wants to have his butt covered? Because if so, he's worried for no reason; I don't believe in divorce (unless of course it's an abusive relationship, there are substances or infedelity involved), let alone screwing someone over during one. I've told him this but that changes nothing for him. One more thing before I wrap this up, he moved to the area because he found this great job but he never asked if that was ok with me and somehow I was expected to also move here once I got my degree (as I did). Whenever I mention that for me it'd be easier to find a job in our hometown due to the nature of my degree and that he should try to look for a job there also now that he has experience in the field and since there is high demand for his degree everywhere (he could be making if not more, definitely equal), he throws a fit about it. Rant over. Now, please tell me, what are your thoughts on the whole situation? Am I overthinking or asking for too much? Not looking for someone to pick sides with me, but for honest & independet opinions. Is any of this normal for a couple in their early to mid-twenties whose not even engaged yet? We love each other but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one making sacrifices. I want this to work out. Any advice? Sorry for unloading so much on you, I needed to get this off my chest. Any comments would be greatly appreciated!
    It doesn't sound like you two are anywhere near ready for marriage yet. You just aren't on the same page on a lot of things, your communication is poor, and at least he isn't ready for that kind of commitment. He doesn't sound like he sees you as a partner or prioritizes your needs.

    Divorce isn't Santa Claus. It exists whether you believe in it or not. If your goal is to avoid divorce, your best shot is to go into a marriage with a strong partnership and both eyes wide open. Marrying this guy right now would be the opposite of that. Before you consider marriage, you need to work on building your relationship with open communication, trust and commitment, but you can't do that if he doesn't have the same goal. 

    I don't know if your boyfriend just has some growing up to do, if he isn't marriage material, or if he just isn't cut out to be married to you. There's no telling if or when he'll be ready to get serious about marriage. If you're happy with the status quo, ride this out and see where it ends up. If your priority is finding a life partner soon, I'd suggest moving on. Either way, don't commit to anyone until they're willing to put you first. 
    girlwholovesromancecharlotte989875
  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Accepted Answer
    Your BF is traumatized by his parents' nasty divorce. He sees the worst that can happen and wants to prepare for it. This is good, in a sense, but it seems to be preventing him from moving forward.

     It's possible that you aren't right for each other. It's also possible that he could use some therapy to sort out and separate himself from his parents' relationship. If you want to get married (and this is a normal thing to want for most people), you need to decide if you're willing to wait for him to figure his stuff out, or if you need to move on to find a partner who is on the same page as you.
    girlwholovesromance
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Accepted Answer
    It sounds like you guys are not even in the same book, let alone the same page. And I think you've got a lot of things to work out before you even consider getting engaged. 

    And I'll just say this - you can say you "don't believe in divorce" all you want. It doesn't mean you won't end up divorced. My parents have been married for 51 years. Same with many aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc in my family. I just finalized my divorce this year, as did my best friend. We never saw it coming, and obviously both went into our marriages thinking they'd last forever. It's not a realistic approach to just say you don't believe in it. 

    MyNameIsNotcharlotte989875
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Accepted Answer
    It may not be romantic, but it's wise for people to think about "what if we get divorced", before getting married.  You are seeing his caution on that subject as an indication that he isn't sure about marrying you.  But, from the way you describe him, it sounds like that is a part of his history and personality.  You said he "considers all possible scenarios", plus his parents had an ugly divorce.  As such, he will definitely look at all the "what ifs" involved with getting married, including what a divorce might look like.

    Neither one of you are all "wrong" or "right" but, at the present time, you want different things.  Here are some additional thoughts:

    • He's not ready to get engaged yet and it doesn't sound like he's in any hurry to (more on that below).
    • He wants to stay in the area you all are living in.  It sounds like he's been very clear that he won't move, even if you'd rather go back to your hometown and would have better job opportunities there.  I'm not even saying he is necessarily the "bad guy" for that, but it's the reality.
    • He seems to get angry when you try to have these big picture discussions.  That could potentially be worrying because couples need to be able to have these kinds of discussions with open communication.  However, I could also see the possibility that he is initially open to these discussions.  But then blows up because he's said the same thing over and over again, but you keep needling him.  You gave an example of that.  He knows you want to get married.  He's told you he isn't ready yet.  But then you tell a passive-aggressive story about running into a friend who said "you're perfect together and it's about time you all got married".  I suspect it's somewhere in the middle, like most things are, and you both could use some help in communicating/listening more effectively with each other.
    • His excuse for not wanting to get engaged is he wants to buy a house...in his name only...first.  He thinks it's because it will be easier for him to buy the house as a single person, than as married.  But he doesn't even want to get engaged before then.  Think about that.  Plus, what he's said usually isn't true, unless one person has a bad credit score.  It's easier for two people to buy a house because then their income will be combined...
    I'm a real estate investor and know all the ins and outs of mortgages and bank financing, so here's a brief summary of how it works.  Banks don't care about the marital status of people buying properties together or separately.  Some states do have laws that, if you are applying for credit...even if the loan will only be in your name...your spouse has to sign off that they "understand you are applying credit and are allowing it".  Other than that, it doesn't matter.  Any two or more people can buy a house together.  And a married person can buy a property in their name only though, arguably, it would then be marital property.

    Plus, if he was motivated to want to get engaged more quickly and his benchmark was buying a house/saving first, then you all would be budgeting and putting plans in place to do that.  But it doesn't sound like you all, especially him, are doing that.  I mean, is that "money" problem going to be any different 1 or 3 or 5 years from now?  Trust me, money can ALWAYS be an excuse for something someone doesn't want to do or doesn't want to do now.  Getting married can be done at all budget levels.  Including paying for just the cost of a marriage license and getting married at City Hall.

    Bottom line, he's said he wants to marry you someday and that is probably true.  But now I'll go back to the first point on my list.  For whatever reason, he isn't ready to get engaged now because he isn't ready to get married.  He'll keep using the "wanting to buy a house first" as an excuse, but that's just a red herring for all the reasons I stated above, even if he believes it himself.

    Take a page from his book and consider "all the possible scenarios".  What is your "line" or "dealbreaker"?  One more year without an engagement and/or active plans for saving?  3?  Something else?  I've been there myself.  They are hard and heartbreaking questions to ask one's self, but only you can decide on the answers.
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    girlwholovesromancegeebee908charlotte989875

Answers

  • Thank you for your input on this, it really helps!
  • Thank you so much, this makes a lot of sense!
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oh, one thing I wanted to include that you need to be aware of. When I met my ex-husband, he already owned a house. We remortgaged the house to pay off the previous mortgage and to re-do the house. He never put me on the deed (which I should have realized was a red flag, oh well). I assumed because I was on the mortgage I was entitled to something. 

    Nope. I got nothing. Not a dime from a home that I spent years pouring money into. Please don't make the same mistake I did. It was a hard lesson to learn. 

    charlotte989875girlwholovesromanceshort+sassy
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