Wedding Etiquette Forum

Confused

My FH and I decided to have one attendant each for our small wedding. We are only inviting 50 guests and our circles are small anyway. I asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. We've known each other for 25 years and have been through so much together. It was a natural and easy choice to make. 

Now, I have another friend. We aren't as close as we used to be but we've known each other for years and I still consider her a good friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding when I was 17 (she was 26). I'm 28 now. I met with her for lunch the other day. She wanted to visit since I am leaving for deployment soon. Plus, we hadn't seen each other in a while and we wanted to catch up. She's a great, caring friend but sometimes she forgets to think about others. She also talks a lot and a lot of times I just sit there listening because I can't get a word in edgewise. I'm an introvert anyway and I'm used to extrovert family talking over me. 

I told her I was just having an MOH and that it was my best friend. She knows my best friend because this friend's parents are friends with my best friend's parents (everyone knows everyone in a small farming community haha). She then says "oh so I can't be a bridesmaid?" I explained to her that I was only having one attendant but that she and her husband were invited as guests to the wedding. Then she proceeds to text my mom and ask her what she thought. My mom tells her that she can be the Mistress of Ceremonies (I didn't know that was a thing really). Both kind of decided that without asking me but knowing that neither would listen to me. I just decided to let her be the MC and not protest it. I know technically it's some sort of helper but I didn't think an MC gets bridal party benefits. She's been texting me for the last 48 hours almost nonstop about meeting up with my MOH so they can coordinate dresses (ummm....no. My MOH is the only one who should wear a bridesmaid dress. Plus, she isn't getting a dress yet until I get back from deployment sometime next spring. That's when the real wedding planning will begin). So then she's like aren't you having Navy blue and peach as your colors? I told her yes and that my MOH was going to wear peach while my FH and the best man are going to wear Navy blue suits. I told her I didn't care what she wore but I didn't want her matching my MOH.

The next thing she did was ask if she can get ready with me and the MOH. I said sure and that I was planning on getting a hotel room for us the night before. She's welcome to join. My mom is a hairdresser so then she asks if my mom will do her hair for the wedding too. I told her if there is time for it but my wedding is pretty casual so really only me and the MOH would have our hair done up all fancy. Then, she started criticizing the choice of hotel I chose for the overnight and tried to talk me into a hotel that had three bedrooms, a living room, and kitchen that costs about $200 more. My FH and I are paying for the wedding out of our own pockets and I'm not paying for a $300 hotel room for one night. 

Then she started sending me pictures of these really fancy nails that look like a bride at a black tie wedding would wear. She said, I'm going to get my nails done for your wedding in something like this. meanwhile, I'm planning on getting a basic french manicure and my MOH just wants to paint her nails to match her dress. We are both tomboy farm kids and don't normally dress up. Haha. It's just if she's going to get her nails done like the pictures, that's pretty much upstaging me and it  bothers me.

I haven't talked to her about it yet but I am bothered by it. I'm not trying to sound like a bridezilla but I'm starting to get irritated. All I've told her are just ideas anyway. Like I said earlier, I'm not making set in stone wedding plans until I get back from deployment next spring. Right now, I'm just window shopping. 

Sorry for the long post. I'm just slightly frustrated. Should I try and talk to her or see if she tones down on her own a bit after the excitement dies off while I'm away overseas for several months? What would y'all do?

Re: Confused

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My FH and I decided to have one attendant each for our small wedding. We are only inviting 50 guests and our circles are small anyway. I asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. We've known each other for 25 years and have been through so much together. It was a natural and easy choice to make. 

    Now, I have another friend. We aren't as close as we used to be but we've known each other for years and I still consider her a good friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding when I was 17 (she was 26). I'm 28 now. I met with her for lunch the other day. She wanted to visit since I am leaving for deployment soon. Plus, we hadn't seen each other in a while and we wanted to catch up. She's a great, caring friend but sometimes she forgets to think about others. She also talks a lot and a lot of times I just sit there listening because I can't get a word in edgewise. I'm an introvert anyway and I'm used to extrovert family talking over me. 

    I told her I was just having an MOH and that it was my best friend. She knows my best friend because this friend's parents are friends with my best friend's parents (everyone knows everyone in a small farming community haha). She then says "oh so I can't be a bridesmaid?" I explained to her that I was only having one attendant but that she and her husband were invited as guests to the wedding. Then she proceeds to text my mom and ask her what she thought. My mom tells her that she can be the Mistress of Ceremonies (I didn't know that was a thing really). Both kind of decided that without asking me but knowing that neither would listen to me. I just decided to let her be the MC and not protest it. I know technically it's some sort of helper but I didn't think an MC gets bridal party benefits. She's been texting me for the last 48 hours almost nonstop about meeting up with my MOH so they can coordinate dresses (ummm....no. My MOH is the only one who should wear a bridesmaid dress. Plus, she isn't getting a dress yet until I get back from deployment sometime next spring. That's when the real wedding planning will begin). So then she's like aren't you having Navy blue and peach as your colors? I told her yes and that my MOH was going to wear peach while my FH and the best man are going to wear Navy blue suits. I told her I didn't care what she wore but I didn't want her matching my MOH.

    The next thing she did was ask if she can get ready with me and the MOH. I said sure and that I was planning on getting a hotel room for us the night before. She's welcome to join. My mom is a hairdresser so then she asks if my mom will do her hair for the wedding too. I told her if there is time for it but my wedding is pretty casual so really only me and the MOH would have our hair done up all fancy. Then, she started criticizing the choice of hotel I chose for the overnight and tried to talk me into a hotel that had three bedrooms, a living room, and kitchen that costs about $200 more. My FH and I are paying for the wedding out of our own pockets and I'm not paying for a $300 hotel room for one night. 

    Then she started sending me pictures of these really fancy nails that look like a bride at a black tie wedding would wear. She said, I'm going to get my nails done for your wedding in something like this. meanwhile, I'm planning on getting a basic french manicure and my MOH just wants to paint her nails to match her dress. We are both tomboy farm kids and don't normally dress up. Haha. It's just if she's going to get her nails done like the pictures, that's pretty much upstaging me and it  bothers me.

    I haven't talked to her about it yet but I am bothered by it. I'm not trying to sound like a bridezilla but I'm starting to get irritated. All I've told her are just ideas anyway. Like I said earlier, I'm not making set in stone wedding plans until I get back from deployment next spring. Right now, I'm just window shopping. 

    Sorry for the long post. I'm just slightly frustrated. Should I try and talk to her or see if she tones down on her own a bit after the excitement dies off while I'm away overseas for several months? What would y'all do?
    I'm not sure what a mistress of ceremonies is so I don't know what to say about that other than you should have stood up to your Mom and said no. Just keep telling this friend she can wear what ever she wants. Ignore what she says about hotels or anything else wedding related. Don't worry about her nails and hair. No one is going to be paying attention to her. They will be looking at  you and your H on your wedding day! I would stop discussing wedding plans with her at all. If she starts up, "bean dip" which means change the subject.
    short+sassySTARMOON44
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have never heard of a mistress of ceremonies. You should have shut it down when she went to your mom, but that ship has sailed. Stop discussing the wedding wit her. When she brings it up, change the topic. If she wants to get her nails done, let her. It literally has no bearing on your wedding day. 

    short+sassySTARMOON44
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You should have cut this off in the beginning. "I don't know why my mom would have said that, but we are not having a mistress of ceremonies. You are invited as a guest." 

    For whatever reason you decided to go along with it. At this point the best you can do is let her carry on with whatever title, but leave her out of everything else. She can't match your MOH if you don't tell her what your MOH will be wearing. Don't worry about her hair, nails, or where she stays. Tell her she can sleep and get ready at whatever hotel she likes, and cut way back on talking to her.

    You also need to have a CTJ with your mother. She needs to know that inventing roles in your wedding and handing them out is not acceptable. 
    short+sassyILoveBeachMusic
  • Hopefully/probably her fervor over your wedding will die down some over the coming months.  She just heard the engagement news, so it is still extra exciting.  Of course, she really stepped over the line by contacting your mom, after you told her you were not asking her to be a BM.  And then your mom double-downed on boundary stomping by agreeing she could have the made-up role, the friend invented.

    There isn't much you can do now about the MOC role she is taking because you already agreed to it.  But at least it sounds like you have been clear about what her role is NOT.  I know you said you are introverted and I can see where that makes it harder to stand up for yourself, but use this as an opportunity to practice your confidence with that.  Keep holding your ground.  Don't tell her much about your wedding plans or she will keep giving you her opinion.  I think I gave you that same advice for the uncle in Japan, lol.  Even if you have to repeatedly tell her the same thing.  She sounds really pushy, so you need to be pushy back.

    This is an example of what I mean, in terms of the hotel room, "I've already decided on J room at  K hotel.  I don't want Y room at Z hotel."  Just keep parroting that back to her.  You can also try shutting the discussion down with, "I know you would prefer to stay at Z hotel, but that is not what I am doing and I don't want to keep having this discussion.  MOH and I will be at K hotel.  You are welcome to stay overnight with us and get ready with us in the morning.  Or come over for any parts of that, if you prefer to book a room and sleep at Z hotel."
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thank you for all the advice! I do find it hard to stick up for myself and I often get overpowered but it is something I'm working on. I appreciate all the input.
  • You have a year before you said the real planning work begins. A lot of this could blow over by the time you return from your deployment. When you return, you can simply say that your wedding plans have changed. You'll be having a small wedding, and need only your MOH. Period. Then send her an invitation to be a guest at your wedding. Her hair and makeup and clothing will be her responsibility, just as they are for all of your other invited guests.
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