Issues with my Maid of Honor

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

Am I being too sensitive or should I dump my MoH? I got engaged in January this year, and am getting married August 20 2022. My Maid of Honor is also engaged, but is not getting married until July 8 2023. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her party. We have been best friends for 6 years. Immediately after asking her to be my MoH, she became depressed that she was also not getting married (she was previously married but divorced a few years ago) and pressured her boyfriend into proposing to her on Valentine’s Day so she wouldn't feel left out. She then set her date and began planning. I helped her plan all winter and spring even as my plans fell by the wayside and I struggled finding available vendors with the wedding boom in full force. I asked for help and suggestions multiple times as she kept telling me she wanted to help me with as much as possible. I confided in her that I was on a tight budget and didn't want to spend a lot of money on decorations. However, when I expressed my decor budget to her she lost all interest in helping entirely. I told her I really needed help with finalizing the guest list and seating chart (my parents are divorced and the families hate each other so this is a huge source of anxiety and an absolute must), or to even help look through stationery websites for save the dates and invites and was completely blown off multiple times.. In fact, any time I try to bring up my wedding, she changes the subject to hers. We had set up a day a few weeks ago to wedding plan and instead of giving my wedding attention, she brought over 20 fabric swatches....for her bridesmaids dresses!! Then she talked about her own centerpiece ideas and her wedding dresses she was planning on trying on. As soon as she was done, she left without a word on mine. A few of my close friends who are also in the wedding party and have known her for years have pointed this out to me as well. It's hurtful but I kept saying, "yup, that's just how she is". However, she's recently been rubbing at a sore spot. I knew going into this that my family would not be helping financially at all. I never asked for nor expected a cent. However, as this will be largely self-catered to save money, I recently asked my mom if she would be willing to make two pans of lasagna the day prior to the wedding. I even offered to supply the money for the ingredients. She didn't give a hard no, but I could tell that she didn't want to and even though I was hurt I didn't press the issue and instead vented to my MoH. Instead of helping to find a solution, she changed the subject to a bridal salon appointment she made that she wants me to attend with her other bridesmaids and her own MoH next week. She then excitedly told me that her mom is going to be paying $1800 for her wedding dress and was essentially bragging about how her mom paid for her first wedding and is mostly likely now going to pay for her second, and said she "feels really bad" for that. I told her she should just be grateful that she has someone in her family who is able and willing to do that for her, but if she truly feels that bad to not accept the help. I tried to change the subject but she continued talking about how much money her mom was going to give her. I ended up tearing up and left before I actually started crying. She acted like she didn't notice anything and continued to text me (even though I didn't answer) about her wedding plans and a photoshoot she and her fiance did. I feel as if the only way she's happy or wants to do anything is if she attention is on her. She's happy with the MoH title because that gives her special attention, but doesn't actually want to act the part. There has been a lot more, especially throughout the last 2 years, similar to this behavior. I have talked with her multiple times about it, including telling her that making fun of my fiancé and telling people things about my past personal life is hurtful. She's 30 and has a child, so you'd think she wouldn't have to be told that such things are inappropriate. Additionally, she and her fiance brought a few bottles of alcohol and got drunk at my house this past NYE after being asked not to (my fiance and I are sober by choice due to family history on each side). I'm having a dry wedding and I also worry that she and her own fiance won't respect that just as they didn't respect my house rules. There are countless instances of wanting me to do things for her to support her emotionally that she wouldn't ever do for me, as well. If she does anything for me, it's a grand gesture to outshine others (she tried to challenge my fiance to see who could spend more money on me for my birthday even though i told her that was rude) or something that will end up benefitting her equally or more. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. What would anyone else do in this situation? I truly don't know how to approach this with her, especially since it's so heavy and any other time I've talked to her about disrespecting me or hurting my feelings she's been either dismissive and shut down or very apologetic but continued the behavior anyway. What to do, what to do? 

ILoveBeachMusic

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

Am I being too sensitive or should I dump my MoH? I got engaged in January this year, and am getting married August 20 2022. My Maid of Honor is also engaged, but is not getting married until July 8 2023. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her party. We have been best friends for 6 years. Immediately after asking her to be my MoH, she became depressed that she was also not getting married (she was previously married but divorced a few years ago) and pressured her boyfriend into proposing to her on Valentine’s Day so she wouldn't feel left out. She then set her date and began planning. I helped her plan all winter and spring even as my plans fell by the wayside and I struggled finding available vendors with the wedding boom in full force. I asked for help and suggestions multiple times as she kept telling me she wanted to help me with as much as possible. I confided in her that I was on a tight budget and didn't want to spend a lot of money on decorations. However, when I expressed my decor budget to her she lost all interest in helping entirely. I told her I really needed help with finalizing the guest list and seating chart (my parents are divorced and the families hate each other so this is a huge source of anxiety and an absolute must), or to even help look through stationery websites for save the dates and invites and was completely blown off multiple times.. In fact, any time I try to bring up my wedding, she changes the subject to hers. We had set up a day a few weeks ago to wedding plan and instead of giving my wedding attention, she brought over 20 fabric swatches....for her bridesmaids dresses!! Then she talked about her own centerpiece ideas and her wedding dresses she was planning on trying on. As soon as she was done, she left without a word on mine. A few of my close friends who are also in the wedding party and have known her for years have pointed this out to me as well. It's hurtful but I kept saying, "yup, that's just how she is". However, she's recently been rubbing at a sore spot. I knew going into this that my family would not be helping financially at all. I never asked for nor expected a cent. However, as this will be largely self-catered to save money, I recently asked my mom if she would be willing to make two pans of lasagna the day prior to the wedding. I even offered to supply the money for the ingredients. She didn't give a hard no, but I could tell that she didn't want to and even though I was hurt I didn't press the issue and instead vented to my MoH. Instead of helping to find a solution, she changed the subject to a bridal salon appointment she made that she wants me to attend with her other bridesmaids and her own MoH next week. She then excitedly told me that her mom is going to be paying $1800 for her wedding dress and was essentially bragging about how her mom paid for her first wedding and is mostly likely now going to pay for her second, and said she "feels really bad" for that. I told her she should just be grateful that she has someone in her family who is able and willing to do that for her, but if she truly feels that bad to not accept the help. I tried to change the subject but she continued talking about how much money her mom was going to give her. I ended up tearing up and left before I actually started crying. She acted like she didn't notice anything and continued to text me (even though I didn't answer) about her wedding plans and a photoshoot she and her fiance did. I feel as if the only way she's happy or wants to do anything is if she attention is on her. She's happy with the MoH title because that gives her special attention, but doesn't actually want to act the part. There has been a lot more, especially throughout the last 2 years, similar to this behavior. I have talked with her multiple times about it, including telling her that making fun of my fiancé and telling people things about my past personal life is hurtful. She's 30 and has a child, so you'd think she wouldn't have to be told that such things are inappropriate. Additionally, she and her fiance brought a few bottles of alcohol and got drunk at my house this past NYE after being asked not to (my fiance and I are sober by choice due to family history on each side). I'm having a dry wedding and I also worry that she and her own fiance won't respect that just as they didn't respect my house rules. There are countless instances of wanting me to do things for her to support her emotionally that she wouldn't ever do for me, as well. If she does anything for me, it's a grand gesture to outshine others (she tried to challenge my fiance to see who could spend more money on me for my birthday even though i told her that was rude) or something that will end up benefitting her equally or more. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. What would anyone else do in this situation? I truly don't know how to approach this with her, especially since it's so heavy and any other time I've talked to her about disrespecting me or hurting my feelings she's been either dismissive and shut down or very apologetic but continued the behavior anyway. What to do, what to do? 

First of all no one in your bridal party is required to help you with the things you mentioned. Your FI should be helping you with things like picking out flowers, invitations or anything else except in most cases your dress. It does sound like your MOH is totally into her wedding and not hers - normal behavior because most people aren't into your wedding as much as you are. Stop trying to make plans with her or telling her about your wedding. You know how she is going to act. Another thing that is too late for you but I'm saying it for lurkers, don't pick your bridal party so early. 6-9 months is plenty of time to ask a bridal party. Only you can decide if you should ask her not to be your MOH. This is normally a friendship ending move so you need to decide if her friendship is worth keeping. You said you are best friends then talk about how she disrespects you and your fiancé. Is she really a best friend?

climbingsingle

So, there's a few issues here. 

You MOH/bridal party at not your wedding planners. You know who should be helping with your planning? Your FIs. There are no jobs/duties in being someone's MOH. Full stop. 

You also both asked each other to be in your respective weddings. And this is a perfect reason why. Relationships change. 

You asking your mother to make food for your wedding is just...ugh. If YOU have decided to self cater (which opens up a whole host of other issues), you take that on yourself. You don't put this burden on your family. I'd be pissed if I was asked to make food for a wedding. Again, this is your responsibility. Perhaps this is why your MOH changed the subject - she might see how wrong you are to be asking your family to make food for your wedding. 

Both of y'all are acting immature. 

And kicking her out is a friendship ending move. If you're prepared to end the friendship, then by all means kick her out. I personally don't think she's done anything that bad to end the friendship, but this is only something you can answer. You really don't speak very highly of her, and don't seem to like her. So this maybe this is the best move. 

banana468

climbingsingle said:

So, there's a few issues here. 

You MOH/bridal party at not your wedding planners. You know who should be helping with your planning? Your FIs. There are no jobs/duties in being someone's MOH. Full stop. 

You also both asked each other to be in your respective weddings. And this is a perfect reason why. Relationships change. 

You asking your mother to make food for your wedding is just...ugh. If YOU have decided to self cater (which opens up a whole host of other issues), you take that on yourself. You don't put this burden on your family. I'd be pissed if I was asked to make food for a wedding. Again, this is your responsibility. Perhaps this is why your MOH changed the subject - she might see how wrong you are to be asking your family to make food for your wedding. 

Both of y'all are acting immature. 

And kicking her out is a friendship ending move. If you're prepared to end the friendship, then by all means kick her out. I personally don't think she's done anything that bad to end the friendship, but this is only something you can answer. You really don't speak very highly of her, and don't seem to like her. So this maybe this is the best move. 

All of this.  I'm going to say that the self-catering thing is going to be ROUGH.  MOB is going to have a ton of other things going on the day before a wedding and cooking is only going to add to her stress.  

A lot of what is told here reads of two brides who see marriage as a contest that they won with a race to see who can do it best and first.  It's the rest of your lives and the "win" is that you are making a lifetime commitment. 

MyNameIsNot

You've got a couple of big issues here. First, your expectations for wedding planning and wedding party are a mess. It is your and your partner's job to plan your wedding, not hers. Your expectations that she needs to help you or even be interested in your wedding plans are misplaced. By the same token, if you don't want to help her plan, don't offer. It's not your job.

Your planning timeline is also a mess. You are 11 months away from your wedding. At this point, your focus should be on budget, guest list, and venue. It sounds like you need to figure out how many people you can afford to feed and work from there. It's far too early to get into the weeds of things like bridesmaid dresses and decor. Seating charts don't even start until the last couple of weeks, after your RSVPs come back. That's doubly true for your friend. Yes, it's fun and exciting, but you'll just stress yourself out and spend too much money trying to do this too soon. 

Second, you need to evaluate your relationship with this friend. You say you've been best friends for years, but everything you write seems like you don't like her very much. It's clear that you're jealous of things she has that you don't, which may be coloring your feelings. You need to ask yourself whether you want to remain friends with this woman, regardless of your weddings. If you don't want to stay friends, end the friendship. Otherwise, focus on her role as MOH as an opportunity to honor your friendship, not to assign tasks or compete with each other.  

ei34

You both sound a bit self-centered.  A BM/MoH only “job”, FYI, is to stand up with the bride during the ceremony in the agreed upon attire.  If you’re overwhelmed with planning and need help, let your FI know!

And to reduce stress, host the wedding you can afford.  No guest should be cooking for your wedding.  It’s not only too big a favor to ask, but unhygienic.  If what you can afford is a couple trays of sandwiches and water/seltzer/lemonade  for twenty guests, that’s your cake and punch reception.  (This is way too early to be thinking seating charts, you don’t even have rsvp’s.)

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

ei34 said:

You both sound a bit self-centered.  A BM/MoH only “job”, FYI, is to stand up with the bride during the ceremony in the agreed upon attire.  If you’re overwhelmed with planning and need help, let your FI know!

And to reduce stress, host the wedding you can afford.  No guest should be cooking for your wedding.  It’s not only too big a favor to ask, but unhygienic.  If what you can afford is a couple trays of sandwiches and water/seltzer/lemonade  for twenty guests, that’s your cake and punch reception.  (This is way too early to be thinking seating charts, you don’t even have rsvp’s.)

 I should have added that I was only hoping that she would be helping out because she had offered to help and asked to be my MoH. She even said the reason she wanted to be my MoH was because she had already been married and knew how to properly plan a wedding. I take full responsibility for that. Everyone else in the wedding party is assisting of their own free will, and I would never ask any of them to. I just get disappointed when someone promises to help and doesn't follow through, yet expects me to drop everything and help them. She even told me to not take any appointments (I'm a hairstylist) on a day I normally work because she wanted me available all day to watch her try on dresses! I don't really see how I'm being self-centered in this, but maybe I'm missing something.

We do have our budget set and are on target currently. But that is a good idea to downsize our menu anyway. A lot of weddings are self catered where I'm from, as have been all the weddings in my family. But of course, we're in the COVID world now and I'm sure still will be next summer. 

Thank you for your response. 

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

MyNameIsNot said:

You've got a couple of big issues here. First, your expectations for wedding planning and wedding party are a mess. It is your and your partner's job to plan your wedding, not hers. Your expectations that she needs to help you or even be interested in your wedding plans are misplaced. By the same token, if you don't want to help her plan, don't offer. It's not your job.

Your planning timeline is also a mess. You are 11 months away from your wedding. At this point, your focus should be on budget, guest list, and venue. It sounds like you need to figure out how many people you can afford to feed and work from there. It's far too early to get into the weeds of things like bridesmaid dresses and decor. Seating charts don't even start until the last couple of weeks, after your RSVPs come back. That's doubly true for your friend. Yes, it's fun and exciting, but you'll just stress yourself out and spend too much money trying to do this too soon. 

Second, you need to evaluate your relationship with this friend. You say you've been best friends for years, but everything you write seems like you don't like her very much. It's clear that you're jealous of things she has that you don't, which may be coloring your feelings. You need to ask yourself whether you want to remain friends with this woman, regardless of your weddings. If you don't want to stay friends, end the friendship. Otherwise, focus on her role as MOH as an opportunity to honor your friendship, not to assign tasks or compete with each other.  

I only had the expectations because she asked me to be my MoH because she wanted to help me plan and explicitly stated her desire to do so. I do realize that was a mistake on my part. 

I do have a venue, vendors, budget, and a rough guest list. I had to plan early because at the time, all the venues and vendors in my area were booking out like crazy all through 2022. Most were already booked for 2 years straight when I got engaged this January. My fiancé and I have done all of our own planning thus far. 

I didn't say I was looking at bridesmaids dresses or decor. She was interested in looking at decor for me, but I told her I had a very low decor budget and didn't want the unnecessary clutter in my house for almost a year. She brought over fabric swatches for her own bridesmaid dresses. 

Thank you for replying.

climbingsingle

ei34 said:

You both sound a bit self-centered.  A BM/MoH only “job”, FYI, is to stand up with the bride during the ceremony in the agreed upon attire.  If you’re overwhelmed with planning and need help, let your FI know!

And to reduce stress, host the wedding you can afford.  No guest should be cooking for your wedding.  It’s not only too big a favor to ask, but unhygienic.  If what you can afford is a couple trays of sandwiches and water/seltzer/lemonade  for twenty guests, that’s your cake and punch reception.  (This is way too early to be thinking seating charts, you don’t even have rsvp’s.)

I'd also like to reiterate that it's way too early to be doing your seating chart. You need to wait until you get your RSVPs back so that you know who is actually attending. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

You've got a couple of big issues here. First, your expectations for wedding planning and wedding party are a mess. It is your and your partner's job to plan your wedding, not hers. Your expectations that she needs to help you or even be interested in your wedding plans are misplaced. By the same token, if you don't want to help her plan, don't offer. It's not your job.

Your planning timeline is also a mess. You are 11 months away from your wedding. At this point, your focus should be on budget, guest list, and venue. It sounds like you need to figure out how many people you can afford to feed and work from there. It's far too early to get into the weeds of things like bridesmaid dresses and decor. Seating charts don't even start until the last couple of weeks, after your RSVPs come back. That's doubly true for your friend. Yes, it's fun and exciting, but you'll just stress yourself out and spend too much money trying to do this too soon. 

Second, you need to evaluate your relationship with this friend. You say you've been best friends for years, but everything you write seems like you don't like her very much. It's clear that you're jealous of things she has that you don't, which may be coloring your feelings. You need to ask yourself whether you want to remain friends with this woman, regardless of your weddings. If you don't want to stay friends, end the friendship. Otherwise, focus on her role as MOH as an opportunity to honor your friendship, not to assign tasks or compete with each other.  

I only had the expectations because she asked me to be my MoH because she wanted to help me plan and explicitly stated her desire to do so. I do realize that was a mistake on my part. 

I do have a venue, vendors, budget, and a rough guest list. I had to plan early because at the time, all the venues and vendors in my area were booking out like crazy all through 2022. Most were already booked for 2 years straight when I got engaged this January. My fiancé and I have done all of our own planning thus far. 

I didn't say I was looking at bridesmaids dresses or decor. She was interested in looking at decor for me, but I told her I had a very low decor budget and didn't want the unnecessary clutter in my house for almost a year. She brought over fabric swatches for her own bridesmaid dresses. 

Thank you for replying.

Since you're now saying that she's the one trying to plan your wedding too early, then it seems that your whole problem with her not helping plan your wedding is resolved. 

If you've got your vendors, budget and guest list all lined up (hopefully including a caterer), there's nothing to be done for months. You have plenty of time to take a break from wedding planning and let your feelings about her wedding and the friendship settle. 

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

banana468 said:

climbingsingle said:

So, there's a few issues here. 

You MOH/bridal party at not your wedding planners. You know who should be helping with your planning? Your FIs. There are no jobs/duties in being someone's MOH. Full stop. 

You also both asked each other to be in your respective weddings. And this is a perfect reason why. Relationships change. 

You asking your mother to make food for your wedding is just...ugh. If YOU have decided to self cater (which opens up a whole host of other issues), you take that on yourself. You don't put this burden on your family. I'd be pissed if I was asked to make food for a wedding. Again, this is your responsibility. Perhaps this is why your MOH changed the subject - she might see how wrong you are to be asking your family to make food for your wedding. 

Both of y'all are acting immature. 

And kicking her out is a friendship ending move. If you're prepared to end the friendship, then by all means kick her out. I personally don't think she's done anything that bad to end the friendship, but this is only something you can answer. You really don't speak very highly of her, and don't seem to like her. So this maybe this is the best move. 

All of this.  I'm going to say that the self-catering thing is going to be ROUGH.  MOB is going to have a ton of other things going on the day before a wedding and cooking is only going to add to her stress.  

A lot of what is told here reads of two brides who see marriage as a contest that they won with a race to see who can do it best and first.  It's the rest of your lives and the "win" is that you are making a lifetime commitment. 

There seems to be a lot of assuming going on in this thread. MOB is not doing anything for the wedding. Does it make me feel bad? Yes. But that's her prerogative. The day of she is only showing up with her husband for the ceremony and reception. That's it. That's the agenda for the entire thing. I am not being thrown a shower, I'm not asking for wedding or bridal gifts nor am I planning for them. Asking for one dish to be prepared (and only because her lasagna is amazing and nobody's can come close, to be honest!) is not stepping out of line in my book. That is the only thing I have ever asked for from her since I was a child. God's honest truth. That all being said, we will be looking into other catering options. 

I'm also failing to see how I'm competing with her on my side of things. I personally would be happy eloping on a beach somewhere, but when I brought that up to my family, they flipped out and among the guilt trips said I was being selfish for not inviting everyone, so I knew if I didn't do a full wedding it would cause a big family feud. I don't care about having the biggest or best anything, much less a wedding. What I care about is being blown off and expected to do things for someone else that they're not going to do for you and breaking promises. Over all, I am aware that I'm at fault for attempting to keep the peace both with her and within my family for so long. I trusted when I shouldn't have against my better judgment. 

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

ILoveBeachMusic said:

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

Am I being too sensitive or should I dump my MoH? I got engaged in January this year, and am getting married August 20 2022. My Maid of Honor is also engaged, but is not getting married until July 8 2023. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her party. We have been best friends for 6 years. Immediately after asking her to be my MoH, she became depressed that she was also not getting married (she was previously married but divorced a few years ago) and pressured her boyfriend into proposing to her on Valentine’s Day so she wouldn't feel left out. She then set her date and began planning. I helped her plan all winter and spring even as my plans fell by the wayside and I struggled finding available vendors with the wedding boom in full force. I asked for help and suggestions multiple times as she kept telling me she wanted to help me with as much as possible. I confided in her that I was on a tight budget and didn't want to spend a lot of money on decorations. However, when I expressed my decor budget to her she lost all interest in helping entirely. I told her I really needed help with finalizing the guest list and seating chart (my parents are divorced and the families hate each other so this is a huge source of anxiety and an absolute must), or to even help look through stationery websites for save the dates and invites and was completely blown off multiple times.. In fact, any time I try to bring up my wedding, she changes the subject to hers. We had set up a day a few weeks ago to wedding plan and instead of giving my wedding attention, she brought over 20 fabric swatches....for her bridesmaids dresses!! Then she talked about her own centerpiece ideas and her wedding dresses she was planning on trying on. As soon as she was done, she left without a word on mine. A few of my close friends who are also in the wedding party and have known her for years have pointed this out to me as well. It's hurtful but I kept saying, "yup, that's just how she is". However, she's recently been rubbing at a sore spot. I knew going into this that my family would not be helping financially at all. I never asked for nor expected a cent. However, as this will be largely self-catered to save money, I recently asked my mom if she would be willing to make two pans of lasagna the day prior to the wedding. I even offered to supply the money for the ingredients. She didn't give a hard no, but I could tell that she didn't want to and even though I was hurt I didn't press the issue and instead vented to my MoH. Instead of helping to find a solution, she changed the subject to a bridal salon appointment she made that she wants me to attend with her other bridesmaids and her own MoH next week. She then excitedly told me that her mom is going to be paying $1800 for her wedding dress and was essentially bragging about how her mom paid for her first wedding and is mostly likely now going to pay for her second, and said she "feels really bad" for that. I told her she should just be grateful that she has someone in her family who is able and willing to do that for her, but if she truly feels that bad to not accept the help. I tried to change the subject but she continued talking about how much money her mom was going to give her. I ended up tearing up and left before I actually started crying. She acted like she didn't notice anything and continued to text me (even though I didn't answer) about her wedding plans and a photoshoot she and her fiance did. I feel as if the only way she's happy or wants to do anything is if she attention is on her. She's happy with the MoH title because that gives her special attention, but doesn't actually want to act the part. There has been a lot more, especially throughout the last 2 years, similar to this behavior. I have talked with her multiple times about it, including telling her that making fun of my fiancé and telling people things about my past personal life is hurtful. She's 30 and has a child, so you'd think she wouldn't have to be told that such things are inappropriate. Additionally, she and her fiance brought a few bottles of alcohol and got drunk at my house this past NYE after being asked not to (my fiance and I are sober by choice due to family history on each side). I'm having a dry wedding and I also worry that she and her own fiance won't respect that just as they didn't respect my house rules. There are countless instances of wanting me to do things for her to support her emotionally that she wouldn't ever do for me, as well. If she does anything for me, it's a grand gesture to outshine others (she tried to challenge my fiance to see who could spend more money on me for my birthday even though i told her that was rude) or something that will end up benefitting her equally or more. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. What would anyone else do in this situation? I truly don't know how to approach this with her, especially since it's so heavy and any other time I've talked to her about disrespecting me or hurting my feelings she's been either dismissive and shut down or very apologetic but continued the behavior anyway. What to do, what to do? 

First of all no one in your bridal party is required to help you with the things you mentioned. Your FI should be helping you with things like picking out flowers, invitations or anything else except in most cases your dress. It does sound like your MOH is totally into her wedding and not hers - normal behavior because most people aren't into your wedding as much as you are. Stop trying to make plans with her or telling her about your wedding. You know how she is going to act. Another thing that is too late for you but I'm saying it for lurkers, don't pick your bridal party so early. 6-9 months is plenty of time to ask a bridal party. Only you can decide if you should ask her not to be your MOH. This is normally a friendship ending move so you need to decide if her friendship is worth keeping. You said you are best friends then talk about how she disrespects you and your fiancé. Is she really a best friend?

 I appreciate this being the only responses without name calling and you actually read what I wrote. Thank you. I asked my bridal party early on for a few reasons. One; because there is a very small number of viable venues in my area, and I also happen to live in a tourist-heavy area where many people come to for destination weddings. So, I had to pick a venue and vendors asap, as everything and everyone were booking out all through 2022 before the 2020 holiday season even hit. I couldn't even pick our date, we just had to take what was available. 

My area is also experiencing a huge wedding boom and I wanted to secure my wedding party before any other commitments came up. Particularly because 4 out of the 6 work in the wedding industry in some capacity, as do I. 

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

climbingsingle said:

So, there's a few issues here. 

You MOH/bridal party at not your wedding planners. You know who should be helping with your planning? Your FIs. There are no jobs/duties in being someone's MOH. Full stop. 

You also both asked each other to be in your respective weddings. And this is a perfect reason why. Relationships change. 

You asking your mother to make food for your wedding is just...ugh. If YOU have decided to self cater (which opens up a whole host of other issues), you take that on yourself. You don't put this burden on your family. I'd be pissed if I was asked to make food for a wedding. Again, this is your responsibility. Perhaps this is why your MOH changed the subject - she might see how wrong you are to be asking your family to make food for your wedding. 

Both of y'all are acting immature. 

And kicking her out is a friendship ending move. If you're prepared to end the friendship, then by all means kick her out. I personally don't think she's done anything that bad to end the friendship, but this is only something you can answer. You really don't speak very highly of her, and don't seem to like her. So this maybe this is the best move. 

Wow. There's a lot to unpack here. I'm not sure where in my OP it was written that I saw my MoH or anyone in the bridal party as a wedding planner. If help is offered, I'll gratefully accept. 4 out of the 6 have children. No way am I going to expect *especially* moms of infants and toddlers to use a second of their free time to plan my wedding. That's absurd and frankly sad that anything like that was assumed. Issues arise when I'm promised help by my MoH and she blows off plans or lies saying she's coming over to help me when all she wants is to show me her fabric swatches and have me help her plan. Aside from a few suggestions, my fiancé and I have planned the wedding entirely by ourselves. 

I also doubt she changed the subject because she was shocked and horrified by me asking for one dish to be made for the wedding when she's asked for and received thousands upon thousands from her own mother. 

And goodness, since when did it become a terrible, heinous crime to ask for some lasagna?! I wouldn't have even asked her if she didn't make insanely good lasagna. I'm the only person I know of, personally, professionally, and in my own family who has not asked for a large chunk of the wedding to be paid for by family, or asked for all food to be made or supplied. 

Now, if I'd asked for parts of my wedding to be payed for, or asked for an entire family-catered meal, I could see being called out. This is not what happened. 

downtondiva

Wedding planning logistics and bridesmaid "duties" aside, why are you friends with this person? You call her your best friend, yet you don't seem to like her very much and have named several ways in which you believe her to have been disrespectful toward you, including making fun of your FI. 

If you dump her as your MOH, you need to realize that will most likely mean the end of this friendship. Based on what you've said, maybe you're okay with that. Just make sure if you do, that you're doing it for the right reasons (i.e. because you consider her a bad friend overall and not because she didn't help with wedding planning) and will really feel better about not having her in your life. 

MyNameIsNot

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

Am I being too sensitive or should I dump my MoH? I got engaged in January this year, and am getting married August 20 2022. My Maid of Honor is also engaged, but is not getting married until July 8 2023. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her party. We have been best friends for 6 years. Immediately after asking her to be my MoH, she became depressed that she was also not getting married (she was previously married but divorced a few years ago) and pressured her boyfriend into proposing to her on Valentine’s Day so she wouldn't feel left out. She then set her date and began planning. I helped her plan all winter and spring even as my plans fell by the wayside and I struggled finding available vendors with the wedding boom in full force. I asked for help and suggestions multiple times as she kept telling me she wanted to help me with as much as possible. I confided in her that I was on a tight budget and didn't want to spend a lot of money on decorations. However, when I expressed my decor budget to her she lost all interest in helping entirely. I told her I really needed help with finalizing the guest list and seating chart (my parents are divorced and the families hate each other so this is a huge source of anxiety and an absolute must), or to even help look through stationery websites for save the dates and invites and was completely blown off multiple times.. In fact, any time I try to bring up my wedding, she changes the subject to hers. We had set up a day a few weeks ago to wedding plan and instead of giving my wedding attention, she brought over 20 fabric swatches....for her bridesmaids dresses!! Then she talked about her own centerpiece ideas and her wedding dresses she was planning on trying on. As soon as she was done, she left without a word on mine. A few of my close friends who are also in the wedding party and have known her for years have pointed this out to me as well. It's hurtful but I kept saying, "yup, that's just how she is". However, she's recently been rubbing at a sore spot. I knew going into this that my family would not be helping financially at all. I never asked for nor expected a cent. However, as this will be largely self-catered to save money, I recently asked my mom if she would be willing to make two pans of lasagna the day prior to the wedding. I even offered to supply the money for the ingredients. She didn't give a hard no, but I could tell that she didn't want to and even though I was hurt I didn't press the issue and instead vented to my MoH. Instead of helping to find a solution, she changed the subject to a bridal salon appointment she made that she wants me to attend with her other bridesmaids and her own MoH next week. She then excitedly told me that her mom is going to be paying $1800 for her wedding dress and was essentially bragging about how her mom paid for her first wedding and is mostly likely now going to pay for her second, and said she "feels really bad" for that. I told her she should just be grateful that she has someone in her family who is able and willing to do that for her, but if she truly feels that bad to not accept the help. I tried to change the subject but she continued talking about how much money her mom was going to give her. I ended up tearing up and left before I actually started crying. She acted like she didn't notice anything and continued to text me (even though I didn't answer) about her wedding plans and a photoshoot she and her fiance did. I feel as if the only way she's happy or wants to do anything is if she attention is on her. She's happy with the MoH title because that gives her special attention, but doesn't actually want to act the part. There has been a lot more, especially throughout the last 2 years, similar to this behavior. I have talked with her multiple times about it, including telling her that making fun of my fiancé and telling people things about my past personal life is hurtful. She's 30 and has a child, so you'd think she wouldn't have to be told that such things are inappropriate. Additionally, she and her fiance brought a few bottles of alcohol and got drunk at my house this past NYE after being asked not to (my fiance and I are sober by choice due to family history on each side). I'm having a dry wedding and I also worry that she and her own fiance won't respect that just as they didn't respect my house rules. There are countless instances of wanting me to do things for her to support her emotionally that she wouldn't ever do for me, as well. If she does anything for me, it's a grand gesture to outshine others (she tried to challenge my fiance to see who could spend more money on me for my birthday even though i told her that was rude) or something that will end up benefitting her equally or more. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. What would anyone else do in this situation? I truly don't know how to approach this with her, especially since it's so heavy and any other time I've talked to her about disrespecting me or hurting my feelings she's been either dismissive and shut down or very apologetic but continued the behavior anyway. What to do, what to do? 

First of all no one in your bridal party is required to help you with the things you mentioned. Your FI should be helping you with things like picking out flowers, invitations or anything else except in most cases your dress. It does sound like your MOH is totally into her wedding and not hers - normal behavior because most people aren't into your wedding as much as you are. Stop trying to make plans with her or telling her about your wedding. You know how she is going to act. Another thing that is too late for you but I'm saying it for lurkers, don't pick your bridal party so early. 6-9 months is plenty of time to ask a bridal party. Only you can decide if you should ask her not to be your MOH. This is normally a friendship ending move so you need to decide if her friendship is worth keeping. You said you are best friends then talk about how she disrespects you and your fiancé. Is she really a best friend?

 I appreciate this being the only responses without name calling and you actually read what I wrote. Thank you. I asked my bridal party early on for a few reasons. One; because there is a very small number of viable venues in my area, and I also happen to live in a tourist-heavy area where many people come to for destination weddings. So, I had to pick a venue and vendors asap, as everything and everyone were booking out all through 2022 before the 2020 holiday season even hit. I couldn't even pick our date, we just had to take what was available. 

My area is also experiencing a huge wedding boom and I wanted to secure my wedding party before any other commitments came up. Particularly because 4 out of the 6 work in the wedding industry in some capacity, as do I. 

I've got to ask, why are you even asking for advice? You are changing your story to explain away your mistakes, acting defensive, and now accusing people of name calling. (Which is obviously untrue.) 

What do you hope to accomplish by asking for unbiased opinions? 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

Am I being too sensitive or should I dump my MoH? I got engaged in January this year, and am getting married August 20 2022. My Maid of Honor is also engaged, but is not getting married until July 8 2023. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her party. We have been best friends for 6 years. Immediately after asking her to be my MoH, she became depressed that she was also not getting married (she was previously married but divorced a few years ago) and pressured her boyfriend into proposing to her on Valentine’s Day so she wouldn't feel left out. She then set her date and began planning. I helped her plan all winter and spring even as my plans fell by the wayside and I struggled finding available vendors with the wedding boom in full force. I asked for help and suggestions multiple times as she kept telling me she wanted to help me with as much as possible. I confided in her that I was on a tight budget and didn't want to spend a lot of money on decorations. However, when I expressed my decor budget to her she lost all interest in helping entirely. I told her I really needed help with finalizing the guest list and seating chart (my parents are divorced and the families hate each other so this is a huge source of anxiety and an absolute must), or to even help look through stationery websites for save the dates and invites and was completely blown off multiple times.. In fact, any time I try to bring up my wedding, she changes the subject to hers. We had set up a day a few weeks ago to wedding plan and instead of giving my wedding attention, she brought over 20 fabric swatches....for her bridesmaids dresses!! Then she talked about her own centerpiece ideas and her wedding dresses she was planning on trying on. As soon as she was done, she left without a word on mine. A few of my close friends who are also in the wedding party and have known her for years have pointed this out to me as well. It's hurtful but I kept saying, "yup, that's just how she is". However, she's recently been rubbing at a sore spot. I knew going into this that my family would not be helping financially at all. I never asked for nor expected a cent. However, as this will be largely self-catered to save money, I recently asked my mom if she would be willing to make two pans of lasagna the day prior to the wedding. I even offered to supply the money for the ingredients. She didn't give a hard no, but I could tell that she didn't want to and even though I was hurt I didn't press the issue and instead vented to my MoH. Instead of helping to find a solution, she changed the subject to a bridal salon appointment she made that she wants me to attend with her other bridesmaids and her own MoH next week. She then excitedly told me that her mom is going to be paying $1800 for her wedding dress and was essentially bragging about how her mom paid for her first wedding and is mostly likely now going to pay for her second, and said she "feels really bad" for that. I told her she should just be grateful that she has someone in her family who is able and willing to do that for her, but if she truly feels that bad to not accept the help. I tried to change the subject but she continued talking about how much money her mom was going to give her. I ended up tearing up and left before I actually started crying. She acted like she didn't notice anything and continued to text me (even though I didn't answer) about her wedding plans and a photoshoot she and her fiance did. I feel as if the only way she's happy or wants to do anything is if she attention is on her. She's happy with the MoH title because that gives her special attention, but doesn't actually want to act the part. There has been a lot more, especially throughout the last 2 years, similar to this behavior. I have talked with her multiple times about it, including telling her that making fun of my fiancé and telling people things about my past personal life is hurtful. She's 30 and has a child, so you'd think she wouldn't have to be told that such things are inappropriate. Additionally, she and her fiance brought a few bottles of alcohol and got drunk at my house this past NYE after being asked not to (my fiance and I are sober by choice due to family history on each side). I'm having a dry wedding and I also worry that she and her own fiance won't respect that just as they didn't respect my house rules. There are countless instances of wanting me to do things for her to support her emotionally that she wouldn't ever do for me, as well. If she does anything for me, it's a grand gesture to outshine others (she tried to challenge my fiance to see who could spend more money on me for my birthday even though i told her that was rude) or something that will end up benefitting her equally or more. I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. What would anyone else do in this situation? I truly don't know how to approach this with her, especially since it's so heavy and any other time I've talked to her about disrespecting me or hurting my feelings she's been either dismissive and shut down or very apologetic but continued the behavior anyway. What to do, what to do? 

First of all no one in your bridal party is required to help you with the things you mentioned. Your FI should be helping you with things like picking out flowers, invitations or anything else except in most cases your dress. It does sound like your MOH is totally into her wedding and not hers - normal behavior because most people aren't into your wedding as much as you are. Stop trying to make plans with her or telling her about your wedding. You know how she is going to act. Another thing that is too late for you but I'm saying it for lurkers, don't pick your bridal party so early. 6-9 months is plenty of time to ask a bridal party. Only you can decide if you should ask her not to be your MOH. This is normally a friendship ending move so you need to decide if her friendship is worth keeping. You said you are best friends then talk about how she disrespects you and your fiancé. Is she really a best friend?

 I appreciate this being the only responses without name calling and you actually read what I wrote. Thank you. I asked my bridal party early on for a few reasons. One; because there is a very small number of viable venues in my area, and I also happen to live in a tourist-heavy area where many people come to for destination weddings. So, I had to pick a venue and vendors asap, as everything and everyone were booking out all through 2022 before the 2020 holiday season even hit. I couldn't even pick our date, we just had to take what was available. 

My area is also experiencing a huge wedding boom and I wanted to secure my wedding party before any other commitments came up. Particularly because 4 out of the 6 work in the wedding industry in some capacity, as do I. 

I've got to ask, why are you even asking for advice? You are changing your story to explain away your mistakes, acting defensive, and now accusing people of name calling. (Which is obviously untrue.) 

What do you hope to accomplish by asking for unbiased opinions? 

This.  Are you familiar with the chaos that happens the day before a wedding?  

My mom and dad didn't cook for my wedding either.  But the day before was filled with the chaos of last minute details, phone calls, me showing up with my bridal party and heading to the rehearsal at the church and the dinner.  Adding the "oh and by the way please brown the meat, make a white sauce, boil some noodles and assemble a lasagna" - a task that takes HOURS to my mom's list would be a NIGHTMARE.  And then on the day of what is the logistics for her to get it to the venue to heat all the way through?  Lasagnas are delicious and dense.  You need an hour in the oven at least to heat it.  And I don't know about you but I don't want to be dressed up in a MOB dress trying to figure out how to keep it clean while fearing molten hot lava red sauce. 

You post about how all of these things are all set and yet you also post about all the stress it's causing you.   It's not as under control as you think.  You have things balanced precariously in your head on marbles and the marbles are starting to roll out from under you.  The answer is to start to get the planning under control and done by PROFESSIONALS rather than ask the people who are likely busy to work for free. 

climbingsingle

Also wondering why you came here for advice. You've now changed your story a few times. 

You said yourself that you kept asking her for help and suggestions. And then when that didn't happen to the way you expected, you got angry. 

You said that you asked her for help with decor, stationary, seating charts, the guest list. But now you're saying you and your FI have planned the whole thing. AND why would your MOH even be helping you with your guest list? Why would she be involved in this process? This is something you and your FI do together. 

You cried while having a discussion with her about how her mother is paying for her dress, and how much she's spending. But you don't care about those things.

Your mother absolutely has no obligation to pay for your wedding, or contribute in other ways. Asking someone, even if it is your mother, to cook for your wedding is rude. How many guests are you having? Making trays of food for a say, 100 person event is not the same as bringing a tray of food to a family BBQ. You made the decision to self cater. That means YOU do it. Not your family. 

You're not asking for gifts and a shower? Good. You're not supposed to. These are things people offer to throw for you/give to you. It's not expected. 

Did she explicitly tell you that you needed to help her plan her wedding? Or did you just help, and then get mad that your efforts were not matched? 

Again I have to wonder why you are even here asking for advice. You don't seem to want it. It seems like you want people to say "Omg, she's terrible! Yes, kick her out of your wedding! You're 100% justified in doing that!"

My advice is this. Stop being friends with a person you clearly do not like. Stop expecting family members to cook food for your wedding. Stop putting the cart before the horse and trying to do seating charts before you've even sent out invites. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I have to agree that cooking for the wedding (in any capacity) isn't something the MOB or any other family member should do. I can't imagine having to cook something the day of or the day before the wedding. We were so busy with last minute details and seeing family and friends which was an important part of the event to me.

short+sassy

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

There seems to be a lot of assuming going on in this thread. MOB is not doing anything for the wedding. Does it make me feel bad? Yes. But that's her prerogative. The day of she is only showing up with her husband for the ceremony and reception. That's it. That's the agenda for the entire thing. I am not being thrown a shower, I'm not asking for wedding or bridal gifts nor am I planning for them. Asking for one dish to be prepared (and only because her lasagna is amazing and nobody's can come close, to be honest!) is not stepping out of line in my book. That is the only thing I have ever asked for from her since I was a child. God's honest truth. That all being said, we will be looking into other catering options. 

I'm also failing to see how I'm competing with her on my side of things. I personally would be happy eloping on a beach somewhere, but when I brought that up to my family, they flipped out and among the guilt trips said I was being selfish for not inviting everyone, so I knew if I didn't do a full wedding it would cause a big family feud. I don't care about having the biggest or best anything, much less a wedding. What I care about is being blown off and expected to do things for someone else that they're not going to do for you and breaking promises. Over all, I am aware that I'm at fault for attempting to keep the peace both with her and within my family for so long. I trusted when I shouldn't have against my better judgment. 

I know it is easier said than done, but learn to say "no" for things you don't want to do and stand firm on it.  Especially when there is a lot of money involved.

No one "deserves" a wedding  invitation, especially if they aren't paying a penny for the wedding.  This far out, it's probably not too late to cancel your all's plans and get your deposits back.  If you all want a private wedding on the beach that is just the two of you or a few close friends and family members, then do that.  If people want to bitch about it, ignore them and let it roll off your back.  They can be disappointed, but they will get over it.  In the meantime, you and your FI had the wedding you all prefer while also saving probably huge chunks of money.

Something I do, in general, to keep spending in perspective is to ask myself, "How many hours of work is the equivalent of buying this?"  I'm just going to make up a number, but if paying for this bigger wedding just to make other people happy means you will be devoting 4 months of working for it, is that worth it to you?  It wouldn't be for me.  But that's a decision you and your FI need to make for yourselves.

Back to saying "no".  You mentioned your MoH wants you to take an entire day off work for her wedding dress shopping.  If you don't want to do that (it sounds excessive to me also), then don't.  Tell her something like, "I'm sorry, MoH, but especially with all the saving I've been doing for my own wedding, I can't take a whole day off.  However, I do want to be there for what I can!"  And then tell her what you can do, like taking the morning or afternoon off.

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

short+sassy said:

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

There seems to be a lot of assuming going on in this thread. MOB is not doing anything for the wedding. Does it make me feel bad? Yes. But that's her prerogative. The day of she is only showing up with her husband for the ceremony and reception. That's it. That's the agenda for the entire thing. I am not being thrown a shower, I'm not asking for wedding or bridal gifts nor am I planning for them. Asking for one dish to be prepared (and only because her lasagna is amazing and nobody's can come close, to be honest!) is not stepping out of line in my book. That is the only thing I have ever asked for from her since I was a child. God's honest truth. That all being said, we will be looking into other catering options. 

I'm also failing to see how I'm competing with her on my side of things. I personally would be happy eloping on a beach somewhere, but when I brought that up to my family, they flipped out and among the guilt trips said I was being selfish for not inviting everyone, so I knew if I didn't do a full wedding it would cause a big family feud. I don't care about having the biggest or best anything, much less a wedding. What I care about is being blown off and expected to do things for someone else that they're not going to do for you and breaking promises. Over all, I am aware that I'm at fault for attempting to keep the peace both with her and within my family for so long. I trusted when I shouldn't have against my better judgment. 

I know it is easier said than done, but learn to say "no" for things you don't want to do and stand firm on it.  Especially when there is a lot of money involved.

No one "deserves" a wedding  invitation, especially if they aren't paying a penny for the wedding.  This far out, it's probably not too late to cancel your all's plans and get your deposits back.  If you all want a private wedding on the beach that is just the two of you or a few close friends and family members, then do that.  If people want to bitch about it, ignore them and let it roll off your back.  They can be disappointed, but they will get over it.  In the meantime, you and your FI had the wedding you all prefer while also saving probably huge chunks of money.

Something I do, in general, to keep spending in perspective is to ask myself, "How many hours of work is the equivalent of buying this?"  I'm just going to make up a number, but if paying for this bigger wedding just to make other people happy means you will be devoting 4 months of working for it, is that worth it to you?  It wouldn't be for me.  But that's a decision you and your FI need to make for yourselves.

Back to saying "no".  You mentioned your MoH wants you to take an entire day off work for her wedding dress shopping.  If you don't want to do that (it sounds excessive to me also), then don't.  Tell her something like, "I'm sorry, MoH, but especially with all the saving I've been doing for my own wedding, I can't take a whole day off.  However, I do want to be there for what I can!"  And then tell her what you can do, like taking the morning or afternoon off.

 Thank you for reading and listening to the post. This is good, unbiased advice. Contrary to what most of the comments on post say, I'm an overly giving person and have a hard time letting people down and saying no. But it is clear to me that I have to do that and do what makes FI and myself happy. 

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511

As for everyone else, I would highly suggest taking a critical reading class. Adding in details in order to clarify glaring misconceptions is not "changing the story". I wouldn't have had to add anything in the first place if you'd just read the post in the first place. If I saw any "story changing" it was in the comments from others.. FYI, calling people rude and immature constitutes as name-calling. And saying a person did nothing wrong by violating an important house rule and insulting my FI? Absurd. The amount of toxicity and lack of comprehension I've seen in these forums is appalling. The responses my exact same question received on WeddingWire were vastly different.  

maine7mob

I didn't read all the responses, but when I read your OP, my first thought was that your MOH sounds like a narcissist. (People who have them in their lives can spot them a mile away, or through keyboards!)

No, your WP isn't required to serve you or do any wedding planning duties, but I would absolutely not want a person like this as my friend, let alone as an honored attendant at my wedding. Maybe there is a history of friendship here, but my guess is that this girl has always been the queen of her world and that everyone in her circle just dances around her. If you think this is the case with her, it might be perfectly fine just to say that you've rethought your wedding, are scaling back and are willing to "release" her from being in your wedding.

And no, this is not a polite move and it is friendship ending, but my guess is that there was no reciprocal friendship to begin with.

And once you do this (if you do this), take a step back and decide what wedding you can afford. If your family and your FI's family aren't contributing, they don't get a say in what kind of wedding you have. If you want to elope, do it.

MyNameIsNot

knottie7ec2b9ddce083511 said:

As for everyone else, I would highly suggest taking a critical reading class. Adding in details in order to clarify glaring misconceptions is not "changing the story". I wouldn't have had to add anything in the first place if you'd just read the post in the first place. If I saw any "story changing" it was in the comments from others.. FYI, calling people rude and immature constitutes as name-calling. And saying a person did nothing wrong by violating an important house rule and insulting my FI? Absurd. The amount of toxicity and lack of comprehension I've seen in these forums is appalling. The responses my exact same question received on WeddingWire were vastly different.  

I asked for help and suggestions multiple times as she kept telling me she wanted to help me with as much as possible. I confided in her that I was on a tight budget and didn't want to spend a lot of money on decorations. However, when I expressed my decor budget to her she lost all interest in helping entirely. I told her I really needed help with finalizing the guest list and seating chart (my parents are divorced and the families hate each other so this is a huge source of anxiety and an absolute must), or to even help look through stationery websites for save the dates and invites and was completely blown off multiple times..

Sure, because anyone reading this totally sees that it's you not asking for help and her pushing you to plan. 


Look, anyone with critical reading skills can see that the issue here is that you are jealous of the woman's budget and you don't want to be friends with her anymore. Instead of trying to make yourself look sympathetic on the internet, go adult and deal with your broken friendship.