This is a hill to die on?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My lovely wife and I are in a fairly low-stakes argument that’s getting worse now that Christmas is coming up. Years ago, we adopted a little mixed-breed pup, and she’s the love of our lives (especially because we don’t have kids and don’t plan on it). My wife has become obsessed over the last few months about getting the dog DNA tested. I think it’s a waste of money. It would be $250-300 for a high quality one that will give us medical results as well, which is cool, but I don’t care enough about the dog’s heritage to drop the cash.

My wife would pay for it herself but she can’t. She’s not working right now, and I’m the breadwinner. I pay for everything (all bills, food, gas, dates, etc.) except her little stuff, like if she needs new clothes or gets coffee. It wouldn’t be wise for her to dip into her savings to pay for a dog DNA test. She’s become even more attached to the dog (didn’t think that was possible) than ever since losing her job, and I think this is just part of that weirdness. I never make her feel bad that I pay for everything, and she’s never expressed any shame as she contributes majorly around the house and with our pets, so I don’t think it has to do with that.

I feel like an asshole in part because I have some clothes items to be returned that could easily cover the cost of the test. The money isn’t the problem—I just think it’s a stupid thing to spend it on. She brings it up once every other week at this point, and I’m tired of it. Should I give in and get it for her? Or not budge because it’s the dumbest purchase ever?!

— I Don’t Want to DNA Test the Dog

STARMOON44

You’re being a controlling jerk. You are a family. Your money is her money. She really really wants this, it doesn’t hurt anyone, and your family can afford it. Your family should also be buying her clothes and coffee reasonably, as a team. 

banana468

This is dumb and unless your wife is constantly spending money left and right on things that go unused why is this the hill to die on? 

charlotte989875

Yikes. This isn’t really about the dog but a bigger conversation on who decides how you spend money. 

Is the money shared (even though you’re the breadwinner/ only worker) or is it your money and her money and it’s kept separate? If the former (it’s shared money, you both put in and you both take out) then yes you’re TA and you’re gatekeeping what she spends because you don’t like it. 

If it’s the later (separate money) and she wants to spend your separate money on this then if this is the hill you want to die on go ahead. 

CharmedPam

What @charlotte989875 said.  This isn’t about the test.

flantastic

"I don't make her feel less because she's not contributing financially to the household, but also I have set myself up as the arbiter of what we spend money on and my criterion is whether I think it her priorities are dumb or not."

Casadena

I also think it's dumb and would tell H that if he asked me what I thought about it.  But I also wouldn't try to prevent him from doing it if he wanted to as long as we could easily afford it.  Stop being a dick. 

MyNameIsNot

This language about "I pay for..." and "her little things" is really gross. It sounds like every condescending asshole who uses money to control their SAHM/SAHW. 

mrsconn23

Good god, this guy and the Disney hater from last week should leave their wives alone and go live their sad, judgmental lives together.  

short+sassy

I'd absolutely see his point if they were struggling financially and could not easily afford it.  I'm usually in the camp of luxury purchases that are more than $X should be agreed on by both couples.

But this is something that is obviously really important to her.  And apparently he just spent at least that much on clothes.  Did he get her permission to spend that much on his clothes?  I'm getting the impression he didn't.  So, yeah LW, that does make you TA.

FWIW, I think it's a stupid purchase also.  Only because I've been super tempted to order one of these for my own pound puppy.  But, every time I've done the research, what I've uncovered say they are basically total crap and very inaccurate.  And the more breeds that are mixed into a dog, the more inaccurate they are.

But if it gives her some emotional comfort to be able to say, "Look!  Our sweet girl is part Dalmation, Toy Poodle, and Rottweiler," than $300 is a small price to pay to help with her mental health.  Which sounds like it is suffering since she lost her job. 

short+sassy

Since we're on the subject.  GD it!  I'm plagued again wondering questions I will never know the answer to.  What did my own dog's parents look like?  What breeds were they or breeds they looked like?

To my H and I, our dog Izzy has the coloring, size, and face that is similar to a Boston Terrier.  But then she has much longer fur.  "Izzy, where do get your medium-length fur from?"

For reference:



Meh.  It's not the best picture to give an idea of what she looks like.  But it's the one I have handy.

The ear you can see almost always stays flopped down.  But her other one is so funny when it's on high alert and sticking up, because proportion-wise, it's just a little too big for the rest of her face.  I think her extra big ears, with the off-kilter one up and one down, makes her look especially cute.  But it's hard to capture good pics of her because she will rarely look at the camera.

ei34

Not to do with the doggie DNA test, but does LW's wife pay for her clothing out of her savings account??

levioosa

I have so many questions but agree with PPs. 

My mom was obsessed with getting their rescue a doggy DNA test. She was over the moon when they finally did it. Was it money my parents should necessarily have spent? Probably not, but my mom still talks about the test and loves sharing what she found out about her pup. For the equivalent of a couple of dinners out, it’s not a bad trade and it made her really happy. 

kerbohl

Sometimes spouses prioritize things differently.  Do I think the $50 latex fish that my husband bought was a stupid purchase.  At the time, yeah.  (We've gotten some surprising use out of it with LARP and costumes and dinner parties, so now well worth it) Did it make him happy?  Yeah!  So the money isn't just going towards the "stupid" purchase, it is going towards your spouse's happiness.  That's worth money, and it seems weird the LW isn't taken their spouse's happiness into account.
Also, the LW mentions it is ramping up with Christmas coming up.  So maybe their spouse wants this as a Christmas present.  Is LW one of those annoying gift givers that only gives something they actually want?  

missJeanLouise

LW sounds like a controlling asshole. Just buy her the damn test for Christmas.

downtondiva

Stop with the whole "your money" vs. "her money" thing and stop acting like you're doing her some huge favor by paying for stuff since she lost her job. You're married.

I wouldn't spend the money on the dog DNA test myself, and I get why you're reluctant, but it sounds like your wife is struggling right now, and if this would make her happier for whatever reason, I think it might be worth it. Whatever you decide to do, though, quit being so judgmental. 

kvruns

somewhat related, I found out that the ex husband of an acquaintance recently married an acquaintance from college. One of my good friends is good friends with the first wife and they divorced in part because he was controlling, especially about money and made her show him a receipt for every penny she spent even though they were not in financial trouble (she actually made significantly more than him).  Makes me worry about wife #2 and how that is going to go for her 

short+sassy

kvruns said:

somewhat related, I found out that the ex husband of an acquaintance recently married an acquaintance from college. One of my good friends is good friends with the first wife and they divorced in part because he was controlling, especially about money and made her show him a receipt for every penny she spent even though they were not in financial trouble (she actually made significantly more than him).  Makes me worry about wife #2 and how that is going to go for her 

This can be a red flag, if it is part of financially controlling one's partner and/or having a superior attitude of "I make more money than you".

But it could also just be a difference in how these two people manage money.  I semi-frequent a variety of "money/personal finance" types of forums and there are people who do this.

I realize this isn't this person.  But I highly recommend this type of strategy, even if it's temporary, for people who have trouble making ends meet and staying on budget.  It can be eye-opening how often people spend 5 and 10 bucks without really thinking about it.

Me personally, it would drive me nuts and be a part-time job if I kept track of my finances to the penny!  But I do keep just about every receipt, even small ones.  And I do have a few complex budgeting spreadsheets that capture every, single one of my regular bills.  Plus categories for expenses that vary by the month.  I have one category called "slush" and THAT is my category to account for all the piddly stuff that I don't want to keep track of, to the penny.

Too late for your friend of a friend.  But, if she's a "to the penny" budgeter and it drove her H crazy, a compromise would have been to set up a bank account...kind of like my "on paper" slush account...that is just for minor purchases.  They could have agreed on a monthly amount that is deposited into it.  She writes off that amount in her budget.  And he doesn't have to provide a receipt, when he uses that account.

kvruns

that is a good point S+S, it could have been a difference in how money was handled.  I guess they had some other controlling issues from what our mutual friend said but the money is what I remember. Our mutual friend (who is really good friends with her) always thought he resented the fact that the wife made significantly more than her so he tried to control what he could related to the $.  I think she even had to pay him alimony or a settlement.  

kerbohl

I do that type of budgeting.  It's not to the penny, but if I see an expense from the bank account that I don't know about, I ask and get  info to make sure I am accounting for it.  We just had the end of the year, which is always fun because then I tally up the monthly average of what we spent in my categories to see how we were doing this year versus the years before.  Shockingly, with all the rising food prices, this year we spent less on food!  And then we debate if we are spending too much in one area or too little in another.  
I do make sure that Hubby is okay with it though.  The way he did finances felt a little suffocating, so I took over and we are both happier about it.