LW, you deserve better.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My wife recently admitted that she is not attracted to me physically or emotionally. She says she still loves me, but finds my lack of confidence has taken the spark from how she feels about me. We rarely have sex, and physical intimacy is all but gone. Sex has always been an issue for her due to her own personal body confidence issues, but now it is compounded by lack of interest in me. I’ll admit the last two years have left me … not in the best physical shape and mentally exhausted from dealing with kids and a pandemic. I’m not the person I was when we dated, which is the comparison she drew. We still have good communication and she says she does feel like she can tell me anything. She says she still loves me and wants to work on it, but is that possible? Am I stuck? How do I get back to that state of attraction? Are my self-confidence issues fixable? 

— Confidence Has Left the Building

MyNameIsNot

Work on it means she needs to realize that attraction is not going to always be the same as it was when you were dating and deal with that. It does not mean you need to change anything about yourself. 

But also, your confidence is probably taking a hit from having your wife tell you that she's not attracted to you anymore, so there's that. Maybe some counseling for both of you.

short+sassy

I think all of these issues are "fixable", but it won't be easy and will take work and counseling.

It sounds like they are in a rut and there are insecurity issues on both sides.

The positive signs are that the LW's spouse does want to work on things and the couple has a lot going for them communication-wise.  That's like half the battle won, right there.

mrsconn23

"She does feel like she can tell me anything."  That's fucking bullshit.  There's plenty of thoughts I have that I'd never share with DH because they're 1) normally fleeting and in a moment of annoyance/anger/frustration and 2) hurtful AF.   I cannot stand people who are like, "just being honest" when they're telling you something cruel.  

These are not passing thoughts for her.  What does she mean when she says she wants to 'work on it'?  How does she want to work on it?  Not having sex with your partner and verbalizing your lack of attraction to them is a death knell in a relationship unless y'all get into a few different kinds of therapy, and even then this may not be able to be saved. 

LW you are not 'stuck' with her.  And while we're all flawed as humans, you do not need to accept this from your partner.  She is trying to work out her issues on you.  I'd be asking for therapy and if that's rebuffed, then start looking for how you're going to get out. 

VarunaTT

I'm trying not to let my own bias show here, b/c I recognize this path and I want to be like, Just give it up, divorce, get therapy to make for yourself and the kids, and move on.

But the LW is asking if it's possible, and the answer is YES, but go to couples therapy and probably individual too.  There might be a feedback loop between them happening here and they'll need help to get that stopped.  Then they'll need to work on intimacy (not just sex) issues and just let the therapist take it from there.

missJeanLouise

These issues seem fixable to me, especially if they already have good communication. My sex drive crashed after DS was born, compounded by DH's addiction and anxiety issues, and we were in a terrible place. Over time we have made it back to both feeling good and our relationship is better than ever but it took work and dedication. My suggestion is therapy. Work on yourself esteem, maybe it will help your marriage or maybe it will help you leave the relationship

charlotte989875

missJeanLouise said:

These issues seem fixable to me, especially if they already have good communication. My sex drive crashed after DS was born, compounded by DH's addiction and anxiety issues, and we were in a terrible place. Over time we have made it back to both feeling good and our relationship is better than ever but it took work and dedication. My suggestion is therapy. Work on yourself esteem, maybe it will help your marriage or maybe it will help you leave the relationship

I had the same thing with anxiety, postpartum, and a baby that didn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I hate that if I shared that (and I did) with H that he would have left me. 

They could probably both us individual therapy, but her sharing her feelings shouldn’t be the jump to divorce but to more communication and a plan to fix the issues. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

missJeanLouise said:

These issues seem fixable to me, especially if they already have good communication. My sex drive crashed after DS was born, compounded by DH's addiction and anxiety issues, and we were in a terrible place. Over time we have made it back to both feeling good and our relationship is better than ever but it took work and dedication. My suggestion is therapy. Work on yourself esteem, maybe it will help your marriage or maybe it will help you leave the relationship

I had the same thing with anxiety, postpartum, and a baby that didn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I hate that if I shared that (and I did) with H that he would have left me. 

They could probably both us individual therapy, but her sharing her feelings shouldn’t be the jump to divorce but to more communication and a plan to fix the issues. 

I think I'm having such a strong reaction to her sharing her feelings because of the fact that he's saying their sex life has gone from inconsistent to nada, she's verbalized her own issues with herself to him, and now she's telling him it's an issue with how she feels about her attractiveness to him.  He's owning his part in this in the letter.  But I think opining to your partner that you want things to be like they were when you were dating, after what sounds like several years of marriage, having kids, and a pandemic that's impacted everyone on top of a total lack of physical (and maybe emotional) intimacy in your relationship, it's an unattainable goal.   And if he's already behind the 8 ball on his confidence, that's the shit that can make you feel buried and defeated.  That's why I think this type of 'honesty' is cruel in a way if you want to work on things with your partner. 

I understand we're only hearing his truth and how things went down may be more sensitive.  I think I'm triggered by the statement, "she feels she can tell me anything." But should she?  Or if she feels that way, shouldn't she at least think about her delivery and how it may be received?  

It sounds like LW doesn't want to give up yet, but also alludes to feeling stuck.  If it was my friend confiding in me, I'd definitely ask if they were exploring therapy in this situation.  But I wouldn't blame them if they weren't sure about working it out, especially depending on their partner's level of effort. 

Casadena

I agree with both @missJeanLouise and @charlotte989875 that these issues seem fixable to me for a lot of the same reasons.  Glad you're both in a better place and I'm hopeful H and I can get on the road to that soon as well. 

charlotte989875

Casadena said:

I agree with both @missJeanLouise and @charlotte989875 that these issues seem fixable to me for a lot of the same reasons.  Glad you're both in a better place and I'm hopeful H and I can get on the road to that soon as well. 

I hope you can too! One thing that was hard for me was that (and still is sometimes) I’m doing all this work in therapy (yay me) and get frustrated when H just isn’t. Like he’s got ish to work out too and doesn’t and that gets frustrating for me. But I have to tell myself he has to come to it on his own. 

missJeanLouise

I hear you @mrsconn23 and I agree with you in a lot of ways. Even when DH and I were in a bad place I never told him things that would have done more harm than good. I don't think sharing EVERYTHING works in every relationship, it wouldn't in mine. Especially when people are already feeling down and defensive. 

This could have been a CTJ talk by a wife who has tried everything and needs to give her husband a wake up call. Or it could be an insensitive comment to someone who is already vulnerable. But LW should do therapy for themselves, whether the relationship works out of not.

Casadena

charlotte989875 said:

Casadena said:

I agree with both @missJeanLouise and @charlotte989875 that these issues seem fixable to me for a lot of the same reasons.  Glad you're both in a better place and I'm hopeful H and I can get on the road to that soon as well. 

I hope you can too! One thing that was hard for me was that (and still is sometimes) I’m doing all this work in therapy (yay me) and get frustrated when H just isn’t. Like he’s got ish to work out too and doesn’t and that gets frustrating for me. But I have to tell myself he has to come to it on his own. 

That's so incredibly frustrating, I'm sorry.  H actually started therapy before I did and is definitely working on himself - so that's good.  

@mrsconn23 in the sense that just because wife has these thoughts or "can" tell him anything that doesn't mean she should.  H has had issues the last year or so bottling things up and then just word vomiting a bunch of stuff that comes out really hurtful and it's definitely not ok. I personally think he's really struggling with exactly what you wrote - that we're not the same people we were 12 years ago when we met, we don't have the exact same goals and life is a lot different than we maybe thought it would be.  Life isn't all about sex and vacations and going out with friends.    We're working on it. 

I hope I'm not oversharing.  This stuff is just touching a nerve for sure and I don't like to vent about my relationship to local friends.  I feel like that's not fair. 

charlotte989875

Casadena said:

charlotte989875 said:

Casadena said:

I agree with both @missJeanLouise and @charlotte989875 that these issues seem fixable to me for a lot of the same reasons.  Glad you're both in a better place and I'm hopeful H and I can get on the road to that soon as well. 

I hope you can too! One thing that was hard for me was that (and still is sometimes) I’m doing all this work in therapy (yay me) and get frustrated when H just isn’t. Like he’s got ish to work out too and doesn’t and that gets frustrating for me. But I have to tell myself he has to come to it on his own. 

That's so incredibly frustrating, I'm sorry.  H actually started therapy before I did and is definitely working on himself - so that's good.  

@mrsconn23 in the sense that just because wife has these thoughts or "can" tell him anything that doesn't mean she should.  H has had issues the last year or so bottling things up and then just word vomiting a bunch of stuff that comes out really hurtful and it's definitely not ok. I personally think he's really struggling with exactly what you wrote - that we're not the same people we were 12 years ago when we met, we don't have the exact same goals and life is a lot different than we maybe thought it would be.  Life isn't all about sex and vacations and going out with friends.    We're working on it. 

I hope I'm not oversharing.  This stuff is just touching a nerve for sure and I don't like to vent about my relationship to local friends.  I feel like that's not fair. 

I could have written this all. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

Casadena said:

I agree with both @missJeanLouise and @charlotte989875 that these issues seem fixable to me for a lot of the same reasons.  Glad you're both in a better place and I'm hopeful H and I can get on the road to that soon as well. 

I hope you can too! One thing that was hard for me was that (and still is sometimes) I’m doing all this work in therapy (yay me) and get frustrated when H just isn’t. Like he’s got ish to work out too and doesn’t and that gets frustrating for me. But I have to tell myself he has to come to it on his own. 

Dude, yes.  I'm in the same spot too.  DH is super supportive of me being in therapy and I'm always like, "Bro, it could help you too!" Especially his shit with his dad.