Dear Prudence,
I am a woman in my mid-30s who recently reentered the dating scene again after a long time (career changes, deaths of family and friends, a years-long injury, and a big move kept me very busy). I met and became friendly with a guy three years older than me last year. After a few months of chatting as friends, he asked me out, and I rejected him because I thought of us as just friends (and I was seeing someone else). He asked again two months later, and I accepted, just to try something different. Since then, we’ve gotten pretty serious, and I am extremely happy with him. He makes me feel wonderful, he’s attentive and kind, we’re on the same page on most things, and he is definitely marriage material. He’s open and honest, and he doesn’t like to play games. We’re also totally in sync in bed.
My issue is that this man is a 10, and I am, at best, a 4? 5? He’s tall and muscular with piercing blue eyes and a dazzling smile. I see the looks people give us when we go out: “HE’S with HER?!” I’ve never been particularly sensitive to what others think about me, but every time we go out, I see that same look—from men, from women, it doesn’t matter. They all look like they’ve just been electrocuted. The minute he puts his arm around me or holds my hand, the same look of shock appears on people’s faces, and it’s taking a toll on my self-esteem. I’ve definitely seen that look from all of his friends, and I wonder what they’ve said to him privately. His exes were very beautiful.
I know I need to lose some weight, and I’m trying now that my years-long injury is under control and no longer ruining my life. But I don’t care much for makeup beyond mascara, eyeliner, and some eyeshadow. I don’t get super dressed up; I hate skirts and heels, always have. I highlight my hair, and I take care of my hygiene and teeth. I have a nice smile. I wear contacts. I always look tired, ever since I was a kid. I’m plain in my looks, but this guy legitimately turns heads whenever he walks into a room.
I’m smart, talented, successful, and funny, and I know I bring these things to the table for him, but all people see from the outside is our mismatch in the hotness scale. I don’t want to change who I am; I’m usually comfortable in my own skin, until now. And he seems to like (even love) me the way I am. These looks from people don’t seem to affect him. How can I reframe my thought process every time someone looks surprised that this unicorn wants to be with an ugly duckling so that it stops messing with my self-esteem so badly?
— Ugly Duckling