Wedding Woes

Classic: Don't marry him and insurance is his problem.

My boyfriend and I (same-sex relationship) have been together a few years. Last spring he lost his job and decided to go back to school. I added him onto my health insurance, which required an affidavit saying that we were in a long-term, committed relationship and were denied the ability to legally marry to qualify for spousal benefits. In that affidavit there was a clause that stated if marriage became a legal option we would have to get married within six months to keep the benefits. In October marriage equality reached our state and I asked him when he wanted to start planning our wedding. He said he wasn’t sure he still wanted to, which was a complete surprise to me. He said he loves me and doesn’t want our relationship to change, but he’s not ready to legalize our relationship. I don’t want to force him into anything, but now we have this deadline of either getting married or losing his insurance. Any suggestions?

Re: Classic: Don't marry him and insurance is his problem.

  • Suggestion: Tell him that you are either getting married or he's getting a job with benefits.  

    Reality: DTMFA.
  • I see two issues here.

    The LW is hurt their SO isn't sure about marrying them.  That's a series of discussions between them.  Maybe it's a dealbreaker now.  Maybe it isn't, but could be later.  That's up to the LW for them to decide.

    The deadline is his problem and he's the one who needs to figure it out.  Though no one should get married, just for medical benefits.  Since this is a "Classic" Prudie, there's no way to tell if this was pre or post the ACA.  But the ACA has been around for a long time, so I suspect it's "post".  I assume he is still a student and not earning much of an income.  He could get one of those policies for free or cheap.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Did you have a conversation about marriage when you signed that affidavit, or did you just assume that he was ready for marriage? If it's the latter, I can't say BF is necessarily TA here. A lot of people signed those types of things without really taking it super seriously. If there's no conversation, I'm not sure I would take that form as an engagement. 

    Sounds like it's time for the dreaded "where is this going" conversation. You need to figure out whether marriage is on the table in this relationship and what you are willing to accept in terms of a timeline. Also, his insurance is not your problem. He can pay for his own or deal with being uninsured. 
  • Also when you go back to school they offer you coverage through the college so…

  • DTMFA...  

    At minimum - why wait 6mo to take him off the insurance, the agreement with the employer is that the insurance is conditional, the BF isn't agreeing to those conditions, there's a simple answer committed long-term relationship or not...
  • entonboy1979entonboy1979 member
    First Comment
    edited June 6
    That's a tough situation to be in. It must have been quite a shock when your boyfriend expressed hesitancy about getting married after marriage equality became legal. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with him to understand his concerns and feelings. In the meantime, you could explore other insurance options to see if there's any flexibility regarding the spousal benefits. I recently found some great portland insurance services through a recommendation, so you might want to check them out. Hang in there, and I hope everything works out for you both!
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