Wedding Woes

Oh HELL no! DTMF(s)A!

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend and his 18-year-old son live with me in a house my boyfriend and I rent from my parents. My parents have already told me that I will be receiving this house in their will. The 18-year-old has been in high school since January. My boyfriend and I had already discussed that his son would have to be working full time or going to post-secondary school and begin paying a small rental fee to continue to live with us once his schooling was done. He graduated last week at the end of May. He very rarely leaves his room or this house, except to see friends and has never held a part-time job for more than a couple weeks. He quite literally plays games in his room all day and night and does not help around the house or yard at all. In fact, most days I am cleaning up after him, doing his dishes, and I’m also still expected to cook for him and his girlfriend as well.

My boyfriend gets upset and enraged if I even bring up the subject of us trying to maybe more than a little forcefully encourage his son to find work and let him know he cannot continue to game day and night and sponge off of us. I pay all bills and get reimbursed, never on time, by my boyfriend for his portion of the bills. I’m not allowed to ever have an opinion or conversation with my boyfriend’s son letting him know he needs to get a job, but they are both living in what I feel is my house, as I pay for more of our bills and it’s my parents’ house. I’m starting to resent both of them and feel this might be a deal breaker. Am I being too harsh? I’m never allowed to discuss this as it just starts a fight so I feel trapped like a prisoner with no voice in my own home. What do I do?

— Voiceless in My Own Home

Re: Oh HELL no! DTMF(s)A!

  • Kick them all out
    charlotte989875banana468kerbohlMesmrEwe
  • Kick them out, no question.  No one here respects you and will continue to treat you like garbage because you're letting them. 
    charlotte989875short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • Kick them out. Not being “allowed” to have a conversation with him is controlling. Tell them to leave, like yesterday. 
    short+sassyMesmrEwe
  • Show them that the doormat is outside the house and they no longer have keys.  Stop being told how things will be when it's not mentally of financially smart for you. 
    charlotte989875STARMOON44MesmrEwe
  • One of my friends needed to have this "tough love" conversation with her stepdaughter after she graduated.  Also never helped around the house.  Also went through p/t jobs like kleenex.  Though at least her H was 100% on board and was also part of the conversation.  Boundaries had also been set throughout high school, so none of that conversation was a surprise.  The stepdaughter moved in with her b/f and did get a f/t job that she's kept.  But the house is the b/f's mother's house and they don't pay any rent.  So she still spends most of her money on clothes/make-up/food delivery and has nothing to show for it at the end of the month, even though her expenses are so minimal.

    My point being, IT WORKS.  If she hadn't been forced to do otherwise, my friend's daughter would have spent all day sleeping and all night in her room playing video games.

    I would normally give a lot of potential solutions/discussions the LW could have with their b/f and the son (together).  But she lost me at the b/f getting upset and enraged, if she even voices an opinion.  AND he pays his share...only his share, not his and his sons share...late.  Why is the LW even with this guy.  They both sound like heavy, useless weights on her shoulder.  Break up and tell them to move on.

    If she's not ready to break up with the b/f yet, then at the very least she should tell him that his son needs to find his own place or the dad/son can go find a place together.  Because she's tired of cooking, cleaning, and paying for everything for HIS son.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm so glad DH was not down for fuckery from the kiddo post-HS.  We didn't kick him out, but there were expectations and we both stood firm on them.  We would not be married if he thought it was OK for an able-bodied adult to live in our house rent free, WITH A GF, and hole up in their room being a mooch. 

    If the kid were going to school in the fall or something, I think that's a different conversation.  I'd still be pretty salty about an extra person (GF) and the fact that the kid wants to spend an entire summer loafing.   But the BF not even wanting to have a conversation, not paying his fair share, paying late, and going to 'enraged' when LW brings it up is 100%, do not pass go, do not collect $200, GTFO yesterday MFer's.  

    LW want better for yourself.  Please. 
    banana468charlotte989875levioosa
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I am on team dump him.  This is ridiculous.

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