Wedding Woes

Let it go, she doesn't want to be your friend anymore

Dear Prudence,

“Jane” and I have been friends for almost 20 years, the longest I’ve ever kept a friendship going. We have a number of interests in common, but our core values do tend to be different. I’m a bleeding-heart liberal, pansexual, polyamorous woman; and she’s conservative, traditionally Christian, and straight. I valued her friendship because of these differences, and because we could discuss them respectfully. And because she’s a compassionate person, who can accept people who disagree with her.

Or, so I thought. I recently got an email from her saying that we should part ways as friends because our core values are too far apart. She even gave examples that include some hurtful assumptions on her part—I have no idea what I could have said that makes her think I’m against free speech—as well as some that make me wonder if she ever really knew me. I sent her a reply telling her that I don’t like it but she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do, and that I hope she has a good life. But the more I think about it, the more I want to talk to her about it. This is all complicated by the fact that she suffers from manic-depression, and this coming out of the blue makes me worry that she’s having a meltdown. I have no way of getting in touch with her family or I’d give them a heads-up to check on her and leave it at that. Do I try to contact her to ask if she’s okay? Do I try to have a discussion and salvage a relationship I think is worth saving? Or do I just process the loss and let it go?

Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Let it go, she doesn't want to be your friend anymore

  • Let it go. She doesn’t want to be your friend. 
  • She told you what she wanted, believe her.  If something else was going on and she changes her mind, she'll reach out and you can decide then.
  • As hard as it is and sometimes as unfair as it seems, you can't make someone want to stay or be friends with you.

    But the LW needs to respect their friend's boundaries.  The friend can get back in touch, if she was just going through a bad time.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Maybe she is in the middle of a depressive state or maybe she's helping to assemble a legal team for the guy living in a Florida club and only wants to associate with those who are like her.  Let it go. 
  • Wow. I’ve “dropped” friends in the past… but not formally like that. Am I the only one who found it weird she outright said “lets just not be friends anymore” instead of just letting it fall?

    not that I’m saying ghosting is the RIGHT thing to do.  Kudos to friend for ending it properly- but it just seems to be what happens latley.  Friendships fade.

  • Wow. I’ve “dropped” friends in the past… but not formally like that. Am I the only one who found it weird she outright said “lets just not be friends anymore” instead of just letting it fall?

    not that I’m saying ghosting is the RIGHT thing to do.  Kudos to friend for ending it properly- but it just seems to be what happens latley.  Friendships fade.
    I've done both. But breaking up was a specific situation where someone kept reaching out to hang out and it would have been weird to just not respond or blow them off. 
  • Let it go. Move on. 

    And yes, I have before told a friend that our friendship was over. But this was after I tried to gracefully let it die on it's own. She caused a huge scene at my wedding. I was fine to let it go, not speak about it and let the friendship fizzle, but she kept pressing my hand. I finally had to tell her that I was not interested in being her friend anymore. And this was after about 16 years of friendship. 
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