Wedding Woes

I don't know if you should insert yourself here.

Dear Prudence, 

My mom is estranged from her mom and five younger siblings. We rarely saw them when I was growing up, even though they live just across town. My mom implied my grandmother hated her because she resembled my grandfather so much (my grandparents separated a long time ago). I assumed my aunts and uncles avoided my mother due to their loyalty to my grandmother.

My mom never said much about her family, except that her mother was very mean-spirited, and I was always curious about them. I sometimes Google my aunts and uncles. Imagine my surprise this past summer when I found what I believed to be my grandmother on a funeral home website. I immediately called the funeral home and gave the operator the names of my aunts and uncles to verify next-of-kin, which they were.

My grandmother passed away almost two years ago, and none of my aunts and uncles called my mom to let her know. She was 92. They have been estranged for over 40 years, and I don’t think they’ve seen each other in over 10 years. Should I tell my mom that my grandmother is no longer here?

—Opened the Google Pandora’s Box

Re: I don't know if you should insert yourself here.

  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence, 

    My mom is estranged from her mom and five younger siblings. We rarely saw them when I was growing up, even though they live just across town. My mom implied my grandmother hated her because she resembled my grandfather so much (my grandparents separated a long time ago). I assumed my aunts and uncles avoided my mother due to their loyalty to my grandmother.

    My mom never said much about her family, except that her mother was very mean-spirited, and I was always curious about them. I sometimes Google my aunts and uncles. Imagine my surprise this past summer when I found what I believed to be my grandmother on a funeral home website. I immediately called the funeral home and gave the operator the names of my aunts and uncles to verify next-of-kin, which they were.

    My grandmother passed away almost two years ago, and none of my aunts and uncles called my mom to let her know. She was 92. They have been estranged for over 40 years, and I don’t think they’ve seen each other in over 10 years. Should I tell my mom that my grandmother is no longer here?

    —Opened the Google Pandora’s Box

    Mom likely knows that if she's not talking to people then they're not going to tell her what's going on.

    Also, with Grandma passing at 92, this is likely something that Mom suspects already. 
    STARMOON44CharmedPamcharlotte989875
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    NO. Leave it alone. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ask yourself: what good will it do? What’s the intent?

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Nope.

    Also, it sound like you're really dancing around the bigger issue. You don't understand why or don't like that your mom is estranged from her biological family. Tough shit. Not everything is your business, and you don't get to decide that from her. No good is going to come of opening this can of worms. 
  • I'm going out on a weird limb here, but I'm going to say maybe.

    Maybe LW could bring it up to the mom about looking up stuff - instead of telling her, lead her to the information?
    LW could say they're curious about relatives they don't know, and for informational purposes.
  • Telling your mom? Nope stay out of that. She knows how to Google just like you did. 

    If you want to connect with your relatives, reach out, or see if they are open to connecting? That’s all on you but don’t involve your mom. She has made it clear what she wants (or rather doesn’t) out of a relationship with her family of origin. 
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